What do you get a man for Christmas who has three months to live

[BOSSHOG]

I don't intend for this to be a downer. My Dad has been fighting cancer for many years. He is 76, has had a good run on this planet but the doctor told us that the drugs are no longer working, that he has about three months left. He is in fairly good spirits considering the drugs he continues to take to relieve the pain. He doesn't have much of an appetite but he loves carmel corn so we keep him well stocked. He is always cold so we keep him stocked in wool socks and loving blankets. He has six horses and we make sure he gets bundled up and gets the chance to go out and feed them. The kitchen window looks out towards their corral so he can watch them.

I don't want to be the Grinch that ruined your Christmas but sharing my Dad with you for his last Christmas helps me out. Thanks.

[BlueEyedSon]

1. Spend as much time as you can with him

even if you're a busy person.

[mac56]

2. Amen to that suggestion.

Sorry to hear it, Bosshog. Sending good thoughts his way, and yours.

[terrya]

3. Oh, BOSSHOG. My Dad died of cancer last May.

And this is the first Christmas without him. It will be a melancholy Christmas.

To answer your question...your Dad already has the best present he could hope for...his loving family.

My prayers are with you and your Dad.

Thank you for sharing,

Terry

[Kamika]

4. women?

That is if he still fancies them

[wryter2000]

5. Something sensual

I don't mean sexual. But something that will make him feel good. Years ago, Doonsbury featured a character who was dying of AIDS. Getting a CD of his favorite music gave him great satisfaction. If he likes classical music, I'd suggest the most sensual opera you can find. Callas' recording of Tosca with Tito Gobbi is a classic. Or, a complete set of Beethoven symphonies. A complete set of Mozart piano concerti. My favorite is Cleveland, with George Szell and Robert Casadseus (not sure of the spelling on the last name). A complete set of Shakespeare sonnets.

Or a DVD of his favorite classic TV shows.

[demnan]

6. You are what he wants for Christmas

Spend as much time as you can with him (sounds like you are). I used to make bread for my father when he was dying of cancer and I knitted him socks when his ankles became too thick to wear commercial ones.

Talk to him and tell him what you are doing in life. If he asks, assure him that you will be all right and so will Mom when he is gone.

A Christmas gift? A nice pair of slippers to keep his feet warm and a warm sweater and hat. It doesn't really matter, but something handmade is nice.

[YNGW]

7. What my brother and I did...

.... was to make a photo album of some of his family members, favorite palces he had visited, things from his years in the Navy during WWII, pics of us as kids and Mom, pics of grandkids. He would take it out and look through it remembering all the wonderful things he got to do and he'd talk about the things he had done. It was good for him, he loved to relive his past and tell all he had seen and done. Sometimes lending a listening ear is the best thing, that is, just being there.

BTW, I'm in NC now but was born in Tupelo. Dad was from New Albany, Mom from Pontotoc.

[prolesunited]

13. I second this suggestion

I think it would be very meaningful and an excellent way to preserve the memories for future generations.

[ronnykmarshall]

8. You're giving him the best gift.

You making his last months as comfortable as possible.

[Robb]

9. Does he have any favorite old movies?

This may sound kind of trite, but the caramel corn made me think of it. If he's got any old faves, find them on DVD and set up a night or two when you can all be together and watch them. Start early enough so you can talk about them afterwards.

Just trying to have a suggestion to go along with my good wishes, and best thoughts for you all!

[hussar]

10. Spend all the time you can with him

Been there, know what you're feeling

All my thoughts

[Sticky]

11. The Gathering

I saw a Christmas movie once where the main character, played by Ed Asner, was dying....for his xmas gift a friend gave him a huge box of fireworks to set off New Years eve. I suppose it was a way to celebrate his life and go out with a bang. It was a very touching scene.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.

[ewagner]

20. Same movie came to mind

If I remember correctly, the original christmas gift was a fly-fishing set, but the son realized that the Dad would never get to use it and substituted a liquor collection. It was a touching movie and one that I had to live out just a few short years later.

Only you can find the most appropriate gift. Maybe something that he enjoys that has no overtones of longevity or of bringing up images of what will be missed.

Aside from that, cherish every moment you can spend with him, for his sake as well as yours.

My thoughts are with you.

[Lars39]

12. Something visual.....maybe a grouping of his favorite photos

of family or places, or horses, for when he's not able to get to the kitchen window? Warm flannel pj's. His favorite music. Time to talk and be together, to remember better times. Hugs to you and yours, BOSSHOG, I know it's not easy. :hug:

[SoCalDem]

14. If he feels up to it, take him somewhere he has always wanted to go

OR to a place where the two of you went before and enjoyed yourselves..

I have a friend who took two months off from work when her sister was dying, and the two of them went on a road trip.. They went to Yellowstone, where their parents had taken them as little girls.. They went to Yosemite, they went to Chicago, New Orleans,Dallas, New York,Williamsburg..

They took tons of pictures, spent all their time together and she has never regretted it.. Her sis died a few weeks after they returned..

Her kids were young and they did not understand why Mom took off for a few months, but they are older now, and are very proud of their Mom for wanting to spend as much time with her sister as she could.. She also said that she noticed a change in how her kids treated each other after her adventure.. She sat them all down and reminded them that after she and their Dad are gone, they will only have each other, so they better get to be friends if they could..

Your Dad does not want "things"..he has no use for them.. Time is all he has left, and not much of it, so time with his family is all he really needs or probably wants..

I know how hard it is on all of you, but try to have a good Christmas if you can :hug:

[freestyle]

29. Seconding the trip

Basically, spend as much time as possible and gather around him. If it is possible to gather the whole extended family together for the holidays, that would also be a beautiful gift. About six months before my grandmother died, we had a huge family gathering for Thanksgiving. Those memories will last a lifetime.

[blm]

15. I got my dad his favorite music...

the old standards from the 40s and 50s. He listened to it just about every day till he passed away.

Favorite food is also a help. They get sick of the "doctor sez no" diet. I say indulge them for every smile it gives them.

[Rowdyboy]

16. Sit down with him and a tape recorder

and talk about his childhood. Get him to tell stories. My granddad died in 1978 and I still treasure the tape my mom made of him.

[BOSSHOG]

17. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

You people are wonderful and the suggestions are priceless. Many things are going through my head right now (funeral arrangements, selling the house and the horses, going through his stuff) and I don't want them to. However, your feedback has been totally awesome. You have suggested stuff I would not have thought of. I did not want to post my original message because I thought it selfish but you have taught me better. Thank you all and THE MERRIEST CHRISTMAS TO EVERYBODY.

[radwriter0555]

23. You know, being there as a son to ease his passing into the next world is

a great gift for BOTH of you.

He eased you into this world, and as his son, you will ease him into the next. Very kharmic I think... So few families are allowed those last few moments together on this earth to say goodbye to their nearest and dearest... and it's obvious you've got a real set a values from this man. How lucky are you!!!!?? And how lucky is HE to have this son, this you, to be this kind of man to be there for his last days!? So very cool...

This isn't a downer to me. I think it's all a real rare and precious gift. I know you'll miss him, but he'll still be with you anyway, forever, in everything you ever do. How so very, very fortunate for both of you. Have the BEST christmas holidays EVER!

(((huge hugs)))

[SoCalDem]

25. Since he really loves those horses, how about letting him be the one to

find homes for them.. It might ease his mind to know where they will end up.. My husband and I think about this regarding our cats.. We know that our sons could not take them, and we have considered putting in our will, who we would want to take them, and which ones.. (They are like Survivor...they have alliances..:)..)

Maybe you could advertise them while he's still here and let him interview prospective buyers... It might give him peace of mind to know where they will be.:)

[blm]

27. Same to you, BOSSHOG.

Use it as a time of great joy.

[Skittles]

30. BOSSHOG IS A SWEETIE PIE

YES INDEED.

[grannylib]

18. My dad in same position; we made him a tape of kids, grandkids,

reading some of his favorite Psalms, poetry, playing their band instruments, carols, reminiscences, whatever...

[beyurslf]

19. A collage of pictures of the things and people he loves

so they can be with him all the time. Movies that he loves. Cd of his favorite songs.

Mostly, time with you and his family and friends. Sounds like you're doing that.

[TNDemo]

21. Have people write letters to him.

Let them remember the special things they did together and allow them to say the things they would normally say at his funeral. My mother died last summer and I kept thinking about how much she would have enjoyed her own funeral - seeing all those people and hearing the stories they had to tell. Also the nice music her grandchildren played during the service. You could put the letters into a book for him.

[Padraig18]

22. Make him a 'memory book'

Pictures and clippings, old report cards, letters and postcards, just any old thing that will remind him of how much you love him and how important his life has been for all of you. Enjoy this last Christmas together, and treasure its memory always. :hug:

[kimchi]

24. A memory book will be with him when you can't be.

I made my mom a scrapbook one year for Christmas, concentrating on our family tree and our love for her. My sister said that Mom had looked it again about an hour before she died.

You haven't ruined my Christmas--you've given me a chance to remember my mother in a new way and for that I thank you.

It sounds as though you are taking great care of your father, and your love and attention is the most precious thing you can give. A party, if he's up to it, even just a gathering of family will keep his spirits up.

Something to unwrap on Christmas day, you mean? I'd suggest whatever brings a smile to his face, whether that is horse-related, or a gag gift if he likes those.

Thank you for sharing your Dad with us; he sounds like a fighter. Give him a big hug for me!

[elfin]

26. Do they have a birdfeeder out that window?

If not - then that would be another thing to have there.

In addition to TIME with him - write down the things you love about him, favorite memories etc. so he can read it over and over again while you're not physically with him.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

28. Go to the star registry and name a star after him

I am serious. When someone is at the end of their life, they want to know that they were loved, they mattered and that they won't be forgotten. This would be a great lighthearted way to communicate that without it being too heavy for the holiday.

You and your family will be in my prayers