Need advice with a difficult problem.

[Alexander]

I haven't posted here for a while - I've been incredibly busy this semester, and haven't had much time. But break just started, and I have plenty of time now.

In September, I started going out with a girl named Meghan. We became a great couple, and naturally everyone told us we were cute together. My life couldn't have been better.

I was aware of an ex-boyfriend of hers whom she was still friends with, a guy named Phil. Phil would pick her up from Arizona State (where I go to school) and bring her down to Tucson every now and then. I met Phil a few times, and let me say I didn't like him or trust him at all. Neither did any of Meghan's friends.

Over Thanksgiving break, she went home to Tucson. I kissed her good-bye while Phil stood about 10 feet away looking on, and went to a reggae concert that night. Apparently, while I was stoned and listening to reggae music, Meghan and Phil were having sex at his place.

Meghan told me this as soon as I got back, and felt guilty and cried pretty much all night long. Now, I try to be a forgiving person, and I really loved this girl, so we tried to work it out. Initially I told her she could never see Phil again, but apparently they've been friends for so long that she didn't think she could do that. I decided that she could still see him (which was probably a bad idea, in retrospect), but that I never wanted to hear about him again.

Well, wouldn't you know it, a couple days later she talks to me and decides that she wants to be alone. She said that "things would probably change" when she got back from break, and that she would probably talk to me a lot on AOL Instant Messenger. My dorm was changed so that I will be living right next door to her next semester, so I told her that we should probably still talk to each other, no matter what we think of each other.

Now, I don't really know what she meant by "change". She hinted that she might want to get back together with me in the future - but I don't know if I want to even consider that. Since she said that she was probably going to mess with Phil again over break, I wouldn't even consider taking her back unless she cut him out of her life completely. But I really don't know what I should do, whether to wait and see what happens, or just forget about her, or seek revenge somehow, or whatever. But this is painful as hell.

Any advice would be appreciated...

[wryter2000]

1. Find someone else

She's grief. Just imagine her and Phil making each other's lives miserable.

[CalebHayes]

40. Yep, There is someone better out there for you!

[Kamika]

2. Ok

The usual.. forget her, dump her, and get a real woman instead.

She will probably dump you so make sure you dump her first

[liberalhistorian]

16. LOL!

Said in your usual blunt manner, Kamika. But you are, indeed, quite correct, and he does need a real woman.

[Razormill]

3. Well..

I don't mean too blunt but generally when people say "I need space" they usually mean "I need as much space between you and I as possible."

Either they're running toward you or running away from you.It almost always comes down to this...Good Luck.

[Bronco69]

4. Forget about her

and move on.

[Nikia]

5. Don't take her back

She is probably confused about her feelings, but you don't need to be hurt the entire time while she figures that out. Date other people, who don't have a need to have sex with their friends. A lot of this immaturity goes on in college but if you want a serious relationship, try to avoid these people.

[BlackVelvetElvis]

21. Don't mess with her

She does sound confused but it isn't worth you getting hurt anymore than you already are. This will probably happen again and the second time around you will feel like a real chump. Don't let her manipulate you! Good luck.

[kalian]

6. My recommendation: its time to move on....

It might be hard taking that step but I think that you need to cut
those moorings and get the heck out of dodge.
You don't need to carry a grudge, but you also should not feel
"obligated" to treat her with respect...its obvious she has none
for you.

As for revenge...not worth it. Just walk away and find yourself
somebody worthy of YOU. Somebody that respects YOU and that you
can respect as well.

PS: Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time...things will
get better.. Hang in there.

[Dookus]

7. Sorry to hear

you're going through this. It sucks.

I went through a similar situation a few years ago - it was devastating. As much as I tried to keep something going with my ex, it was doomed to failure. I just increased and extended my pain.

My best advice is for you to put her out of your life entirely, at least for a good long time. As hard as it is, you have to try to move on. Find other opportunities. Meghan is not the one for you.

Good luck.

[Cheswick2.0]

8. It sucks to be your age

I really mean it. Here are some obvious facts.

1)She wanted to alone so she could have time to mess around with what's his face. After all you are not around and she needs the attention.

2) you have no right to tell her who she can and can't see and how the hell would you know if she cut him out of her life or not? Do you really want to be a cop and follow her around?

3)You have no reason to seek revenge. You don't own her. You are not married right?

4) It is up to you if you want to continue to see her. But if you do expect more of the same. Or you can talk to her and agree to date with no strings attached. See other people at the same time. But refuse the drama....why was she crying all night after she screwed around on you?

[liberalhistorian]

15. I disagree that he doesn't have the right to tell her

who to be friends with if he's going to be seriously involved with her. He can say something to the effect that if you want to be with me, you can't also be with __________.

She's showing a tremendous lack of respect and caring for him. Anyone who remains friends with an ex while involved with someone else is just asking for trouble, and I've found that out the hard way. It's not fair to the person you're involved with at all, and it's very disrespectful to them and their feelings. Even if there really isn't anything going on, there's still that connection and it's always going to bother the current boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. That's going to cause resentment, and then the other person will say things like "what's the matter, don't you trust me", "we're just friends now and I enjoy being with him/her so just stop it", "there's no reason for you to feel this way, there's nothing going on" (when that isn't really the point, anyway!) etc., etc., and then the resentment will be hidden because you don't want to piss the person off despite how you really feel, and then you'll resent having to keep your feelings to yourself and the fact that whoever you're involved with doesn't seem to care about your feelings in that respect, and the resentment and jealousy will build until it'll just explode in one huge relationship-altering argument. Been there, done that.

You need to just forget this girl, as painful and difficult as it will be. Believe me, I know it's easy for me to say this since I'm not the one that has to deal with it, but you will be much better off in the long run. It's obvious that this guy still has a hold on her, and that will cause nothing but problems. You deserve much better than that, you deserve someone who'll treat you with the respect and caring it's obvious you treat others with.

[Cheswick2.0]

18. he doesn't because they are not married and even then...not

that is controling jelous behavior that never works in an adult relationship. No one has that right.

What he has a right to do is say, I don't trust you, goodbye. All he has a right to do is control his own behavior and decide if she is or is not good for him....not to control hers.

[Sequoia]

9. Cut your losses

or you'll keep getting your heart broke. He's pretty mean to keep messing with her and I'm sure she's confused and needs time away from the both of you. It seems she can't let go of him as he has a hold on her but you don't need the worry. Be her friend, but don't expect more as long as he's around. He has no respect and is very selfish. If she didn't have you he probably wouldn't come around. There are many men in this world who bristle at the very idea their ex is seeing someone else. He sounds like a real creep and maybe you should confront him. If you want to stay with her and love her like you say she really must cut him out of her life because he will find a way to get her to be with him. Once you are out of her life he'll be gone too I'll wager. Lots of luck and try to have a happy holiday because having a broken heart wears you down.

[liberalhistorian]

17. I disagree that he should still be friends

with her, that would be very hard for him feeling the way he does about her and it wouldn't be fair to him. She would probably just be using him, anyway.

Whatever he does, he should NOT let her come crawling back around once this guy drops her after seeing that you're no longer together, and you're right, that's exactly what he'll do.

[Cheswick2.0]

19. she is responsible for her own behavior

the ex boyfriend is simply getting laid.

[SoCalDem]

10. FIND SOMEONE NEW...This will NOT work out

If she was "your girlfriend", why on earth would she even see (as in DATE) this other guy?? And then she had sex with him??? That's the ultimate.. She was not "your" girlfriend, Alexnader.. YOU though she was, and she pretended to be, but she had feelings for the "guy who was not there".. She apparently took every opportunity to be with him whenever she could, and the big pay off is.. where has HE been during her absence?? She might have gotten more than a romp in the hay with him, if you get my drift..

Once people cheat, you can never forget it.. You are not married with kids, so there is no reason to even TRY.. There are lots of unattached girls out there...stay away from the ones who have "feelings" for the ex-..

[Kenneth ken]

11. $.02

worth of advice.

Move forward with your life. She is the past. There is no reason to be bitter toward her; so no need to "seek revenge"

She dealt with you pretty honestly, that's the most you can expect from any realtionship.

You definitely should not "take her back" - in part, because you want to control her, by making her "cut him out of her life completely"

Close this part of your life off, and mark it over. Whatever good memories, and learning experiences you can take away from it, count those as a plus. This is what is meant by the old saying "better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Take the pluses and apply them as needed in the future. The learning, so you don't make the same mistakes again. The good memories, to give you some comfort in the bleak moments of your life.

[Character Assassin]

12. Ok, you'll need some Glad bags, a chainsaw and a mop.

Kidding.

It'll be much easier when you kick her sorry ass to the curb. Cut your losses, ditch her.

[Red State Rebel]

30. Reminds me of the old saying...If you love something...

let it go, if it comes back it is yours,
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it!!

[LauraT28]

13. Headcase

She's a headcase, hung up on her ex... do yourself a favor and break it off with her. I know how painful it will be, but in the long run you will save yourself worse heartache, and you will find someone that will truly be into you, and not using you for her own selfish reasons. YOU deserve better. SHE deserves HIM.

:)

Laura

[KissMyAsscroft]

14. Cut her, she FUCKED ANOTHER GUY.

Sorry to scream obscenities, but would you have done that to her?

You already know the answer, you just have to muster up the courage. If you go back to her she will play you again.

Grab a hottie with a naughty body, and throw out the trash.

Girls like this are all about ATTENTION. They need it like a crackhead needs crack.

Tell her to go phuck phil.

[Name removed]

20. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

22. Don't mourn over someone who treated you like shit by following an

impulse with absolutely no regard for your feelings.

The whole "may be interested in the future" thing is just to string you along in case it doesn't turn out.

Move on..NOW!

[jpgray]

24. See, I don't always buy the impulse thing

Some girls enjoy jerking guys around. It's sort of self-validating to treat somebody like crap and have them still come back to you. Hell, us guys do it to women all the time. :)

But man or woman, when you get jerked around, jettison the jerk.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

25. Possibly the case here

Either way...someone treats me poorly..I now celebrate their loss. Anything short is masochistic.

[jpgray]

23. Not difficult--dump her, she's jerking you around

The ol' waterworks don't mean a thing with some girls. Phil's loving this because he can screw her and not date her, she's loving this because in a weird way it shows how great she is--you still want to be with her after she crapped all over you. The only one not loving this is you. So get the hell out of the situation. Don't be friends with her--what a waste of time.

[NashVegas]

26. Headcase

You're (or were) her boyfriend, not her psychiatrist.

I think you were out of line to tell her she couldn't see the guy. Telling her she wouldn't be in your bed while she was, otoh, would have been more diplomatic - as long as you have the discipline to pull it off. She needs to make up her mind.

[VOX]

27. Sorry about this, Alexander. If you and she had an agreement...

or an understanding to be a committed couple (but I don't hear you saying this), then you have a right to be pissed for having her break that trust by going off with Phil.

If there was no commitment, then it sounds like she's just confused, which is perfectly natural for her age.

That said, "confused" women are TROUBLE. Your sanity will be put to the test, as you'll never know what to expect -- hot/cold, cold/hot, etc. Trust me, I've been there. Walk away like it's a three-alarm fire.

Save your psyche and play the field a bit. There are a lot of really cool girls looking for a guy who will treat them decently and with respect. And they'll be happy to reciprocate.

Hang in there --

[Djinn]

29. at the risk of being flamed

I don't think bonking someone else HAS to be the end - but that said it does sound like maybe she did it because she wanted to leave but couldn't quite bring herself to do it - the "space" and "change" stuff gives it away a bit.

However telling someone that their boyf/girlf isn't good for them is a bit pointless - they need to see it themselves, I'm pretty sure you know the score - that's why you've posted - but the actual emotional distancing isn't easy

All the best with whatever you decide and don't let it sour your opinions of the opposite sex - too many people equate one bad partner with the deviousness of the entire gender. Take it easy

[Landlord]

28. Advice

Stop the dope and drop the woman.

[Nay]

31. I gotta agree with everyone here, Alex.

This poor girl needs to be cut loose. She will only cause you pain.

[Rowdyboy]

32. It's good to hear from you again, Alexander

Last September you were pretty down and I'm glad to hear you adjusted so well. Sorry this girl didn't work out but you're so very young that you don't need to be worried about long-term commitment anyway. Who knows what may happen in the future?

Anyway, glad you're doing well.

[sistersofmercy]

33. Move on

She obviously doesn't know what she wants but it's not your job to help her find that. Move on and make room for someone who will treat and respect you the way you deserve.
I wouldn't be to surprised if things don't quite work out for her with Phil either. But don't take her back, she'll just do it again sometime in the future.

[populistmom]

34. At this stage of your life, move on...

These years for you are about getting experience to find the kind of person that is right for you. Even if things were good when the two of you were alone, she still had this other guy she obviously had feelings for that she couldn't let go of. It's one thing to be friends with an ex by calling them once in a blue moon, but these two had more. Probably this guy was jerking her around and she was hoping he'd want to get together with her again. I don't know, but no one deserves the treatment you received and if she's cheating at this early point in your relationship when things are supposed to be still new and exciting, it's not going to get better.

Feel sad for awhile, then move on.

[BlueJazz]

35. Good Grief...Alexander

I mean this with all kindness:

Start being a self-respecting human being

and quit being a God-Damn Doormat!

:)

[never cry wolf]

36. For what it's worth

from someone who made alot of mistakes and is still paying for them. It's not necessarily over for ever, but you must assume the additude that it is. it will surely never be the same.

Move along and keep telling yourself it is her loss, and her mistake. Have a ball, meet other women and bring em back to your room. Not for revenge but just so that she knows you are a fun guy to be around and have moved along. Stay cordial since she will be next door, you could even ask her for some advice.

In all likelyhood you are better off without her so don't sweat it. if it was truly meant to be it will be, only time will tell.

[Nlighten1]

37. Move on

Plenty of girls in college. Make them sign a pre-date agreement that there are no ex-boyfriends just hanging about waiting for you to fall in love with her so they can come between you two.

[mitchum]

38. Cut her loose...

she's not the only girl in the world (you may want to remind her of this simple fact) She sounds like a user.

[Skittles]

39. she is a twisted sister

let her go and do not seek revenge; just let her go.

[peacebuzzard]

41. Sounds like you are licked.....

and blown away by this chick. It also sounds like a co-dependent situation and you haven't hit bottom yet. I recognize the story. Been there. Hurts like hell. Sorry. Thats why I only allow four legged critters in my life now. It is alot simpler.

[angee_is_mad]

42. Fatal Attraction

It sounds like you are more emotionally involve in the relationship then she is. Phil will always be there between you two, especially if every time she goes home she hooks up with him.

If she wants to get back with you, show her the door. Take it from a WOMAN, " a good man is hard to find" and you sound great so you shouldn't have a problem finding someone who would respect you enough not to have flings with old boyfriends or anyone else.

If you start to see someone else be ready for your ex to go fatal attraction on you and your new girlfriend. It would really screw up her mind seeing you happy with someone else. She probably figured you would never go anywhere, no matter what she did to you.

[CandyCrim21]

43. Whew.....

Thought I was the only one with luck like that. Well, babe to be honest with you it doesn't sound to me like she has moved on from this guy. As bad as it hurts to even think about I think the best thing for you to do is to move on. If you guys remain friends, eventually maybe you'll work something out but for now, go out, have fun, meet girls. Boost your self esteem anyway you can. You won't be sorry you did it. I promise! Hope that helps out a little bit.

[dolgoruky]

44. Cognitive Dissonance

My advice would be to read a bit of Festinger. As he explained, humans like harmony in their ideas and beliefs. When there is dissonance between what we believe and reality, we feel discomfort or even pain, so we try to remove the dissonance by making irrational connections between the two. In your case, you believe there is something of value between you and this girl. The reality is she is boning some asshole behind your back. Thus, you are experiencing cognitive dissonance. You try to harmonise this dissonance by interposing the totally irrational belief that she will change her behaviour and suddenly become a faithful and loyal girlfriend. Unfortunately, from what you have told us, this is unlikely to happen. My advice would be to lose the idea that there is anything between you, regaining your cognitive harmony. This is easier said than done, but it will be a far less traumatic experience than you imagine.

In my experience, you only really start to have stable relationships after you're 30. That's part of the fun of being young. Enjoy it while it lasts. Believe me, it's over much too soon.

[Alexander]

45. I am also guilty of cheating.

It was about 3 years ago, and I didn't have sex, but it was with an ex-girlfriend, and my girlfriend kept me.

So I'm a bit hesitant to condemn Meghan so quickly. I still might, but it won't be such an easy decision.

[SoCalDem]

46. Sex IS a big deal... You MUST be able to trust your partner

Alexander... you can DIE from someone else's behavior.. You are young and just starting down this road, but PLEASE do consider the long term consequences.. If this girl "really" was your girlfriend, she would be all over YOU , and not going back to some "ex" boyfriend..

No matter what the movies & magazines say, sex is NOT casual anymore.. (It never really was, but the possible diseases were never so deadly, as they are now)..

You are young, and it's heartbreaking to break up with someone, especially near the holidays, but there will be many more girls, and there is some girl out there now, who does not even know you exist.. and she will be THE one.:) Just be open to new people in your life and take your time.. There is NO rush :)

Have a good holiday and consider yourself lucky that you learned , a few months into the relationship, how fickle she was..

[AngryAmish]

47. Wise up buddy

You are in college. There are literally thousands a women around you. Dump this girl and find ten more.

[voice of reason]

48. dump her

and smoke more weed