Ladies, please help...

[the_boxer_]

My ex girlfriend and I broke up last year (in Dec). I work with her and so I see her everyday. (we dated before we got the job). Anyway, at first we were friendly and went out a couple of times as friends. The last few months though, we have not talked to each other. I still love her. It hurts but we are both very stubborn. I miss her and I honestly don't know how she feels about me. I don't know because like I said, we don't talk at all.

My question is this. Should I send her an email and wish her a Merry Christmas and then ask her to lunch sometime?

My objective would be to try and start something up again. I'm not up for rejection though. I really can't get a sign from her. The breakup itself was shitty. She might be holding a very terrible grudge.

Advice please?

[Lisa0825]

1. Do you have any mutual friends you could talk to?

Maybe someone who knows her would give you an honest opinion about whether or not she's still thinking baout you too.

[the_boxer_]

2. No..that's the problem...

I live in a new state...so I don't hang out with anyone who knows her. I did ask her team lead if she hates me a few weeks back. He said that he and her haven't talked in months. He's a cool guy and I don't see any reason not to believe him.

:shrug:

Edit: clarify...we live in the same state...I am new to this state (3 years)

[felonious thunk]

3. What do you have to lose?

You aren't talking anyway, so you plant that seed, and if she's receptive, then cool, you proceed CAREFULLY and maybe can work things out. Although be prepared not to.

Or, if she's not receptive, at least you know and though it'll suck to find that out, you can close the book on it, and move forward. You may actually find that a liberating experience, believe it or not.

[the_boxer_]

8. It's been a year and I'm still not over her...

...I've never felt this way about someone...

????

[felonious thunk]

11. Well, that's because you're still hung up on her

I've been there, and after reading your response below, it sounds to me like you're making the same mistake I once did. You're looking with rose colored glasses back toward something that probably wasn't nearly as good as you think it was. Just because once you lost it, it seemed like you lost everything.

Well, all I can say for my part was that I ended up going back, after nearly a year of pining for all the good old days, and worshipping her in my mind every day. Know what? I'd put her on way too high a pedestal, and she could never match what I'd conjured up in my mind. We unceremoniously broke up again after another couple of months and I doubt either one of us has really thought of the other much since.

[the_boxer_]

12. I would at least like to give it a shot....

I've dated a lot of women (before and sense) and none were like her.

[felonious thunk]

15. And you should try

Just make sure you have reasonable expectations. Don't get yourself too high or too low either way. Don't think of her as the pinnacle of everything you could ever want, because there's no such thing.

[corporatewhore]

4. Send her a REAL card and invite her to lunch

[the_boxer_]

9. Thanks corporatewhore...that does actually sound like a good idea.

[omshanti]

5. oh... I don't know, maybe let her know you're there

I'd say, to email her and wish her a Merry Christmas, and just let her know that you are there for her, and you miss her (but without seeming too desperate).

That way you are not asking her out to lunch directly, and SHE can take the initiative if she wants to get something started again.

[PinkTiger]

6. I think you should not do anything.

My reasoning is, if she were interested, she would let you know. As much as it hurts, you need to move on. If seeing her everyday is a problem, ask to be relocated to a different section or seek another job. You have to get a grip.
ON the other hand, sending her a card would be OK. Don't make a move; just send her a friendly card - and see what happens. If she ignores it, you can be sure you aren't wanted or needed in her life.
The world is full of women waiting for a date. Seek elsewhere!

[the_boxer_]

7. Thanks...

..but I do know that she is very stubborn. You may very well be right that she has moved on. I just don't know if she is just playing stubborn.

Case in point....

Shortly after the break up she would IM me with lame messages that really didn't have to do anything. She did this to try to get a response out of me. One in particular that I could remember was "Do you think I'm fat?" I didn't bite.

So now I'm wondering if she thought I didn't care or wasn't interested. One of the reasons for our breakup is she said that I wassn't very emotional with her and that I didn't like to hold her (I'm a guy who likes my space). She was always upset because we didn't spoon and stuff like that (I know this is a little personal but I just wanted to give you some context).

I'm kicking myself in the ass now because she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I would spoon her 24-7 if she gave the chance now.

??????

[Rainbowreflect]

10. I disagree, she may just be waiting for a sign from you.

Feeling the same way & wondering how you feel.
Please do not let pride and/or fear get stop you from trying. There is nothing more important than love.
My husband was "just a friend" for many years. He saw me through a very bad marriage and listened to me say I would never fall in love again and I would most certainly never marry again. At the time I had no idea that he loved me. He didn't push and he never gave up. I am so grateful he didn't. We have been happily married for more than 12 years and he is still my best friend.

[the_boxer_]

13. I'm glad that worked out for you...

I wish the same would happen to me...or am I just being selfish.

I know I wasn't the best boyfriend but I just want another shot. Believe me, this last year I've reflected a lot on how I could have been better.

[areschild]

14. A similar thing happened with me.

My current husband was my best friend, always there when I needed someone, never pushed, never tried to change me into something I wasn't, etc. We've been together now since 1976.

[the_boxer_]

16. You all's stories make me wanna....

Cry...and I'm supposedly not an "emotional" guy....lol...

I'm glad things worked out for you. That's great. :-)

[Rainbowreflect]

17. Please reach out to her.

If you don't you will always wonder "what if". The worst that will happen is you will know it's really over and it will be easier to move on, when you are ready.
I think there is nothing sadder than a person who didn't go after what they really wanted because they were afraid of being hurt.

[toddzilla]

18. she could be writing on a message board

about the exact same thing you are.. you never know!

[the_boxer_]

19. It's possible...but she's really not political...

However, she's a republican. I did encourage her to vote for her first democrat though...:D

[the_boxer_]

20. Actually that reminds me...

The last time we went out as friends we ended up getting in an argument over politics. I think she thinks I'm some wacked out commie now that hates America.

[Shanty Oilish]

21. Email? Send flowers!

With a brief note about how wrong you were.

[the_boxer_]

22. Wouldn't that seem out of place?

Like we haven't talked for all these months and now I'm coming back with my tail tucked between my legs?

I mean if it doesn't seem that way, I'd just go up to her and ask flat out that I'd like to start something again.


Arrrrrrrrggggggggg....now I have no clue...

[Missy Vixen]

23. Here's the deal

>Like we haven't talked for all these months and now I'm coming back with my tail tucked between my legs?<

Do you want to convince her that you've changed, or do you want her to think that this is the same old thing?

Send the flowers. You don't have to buy out the floral shop. Something small, beautiful and tasteful will work just fine. (DO NOT send a dozen red roses, for instance.)

Wait a few days (unless she calls you and tells you to get lost,) and send her a card. A few days after that, call her and invite her to lunch. If lunch goes well, send her another card. The week after that, send something she likes -- some chocolate, a book she'd enjoy, or a card for free latte or chai tea. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. You want her to know that you are thinking of her.

If you're going to win her back, you'll have to tuck the tail between your legs and let her know that you are not the same guy, and you won't make the same mistake again.

WOO HER. If you truly want her, you'll do the work, and it doesn't have to cost everything you have.

Julie
whose husband is still wooing her, eleven years later

[the_boxer_]

25. Thanks Julie...

I just don't want to look like an obsessed freak....

I mean just coming out of the cold and sending flowers and then asking her to dinner?

I don't mean to be argumentative and I very much appreciate your suggestions, I guess I'm just scared that coming on too strong will scare her off.

Maybe I should just send a card and then let it go from there?

[Missy Vixen]

27. Women like to be a bit pursued

>I mean just coming out of the cold and sending flowers and then asking her to dinner?<

Send the flowers first. It's a nice surprise. I would hazard a guess that most women (unless they were allergic,) are thrilled to get flowers. She will know something's up, but you want her to get that idea.

>I don't mean to be argumentative and I very much appreciate your suggestions, I guess I'm just scared that coming on too strong will scare her off.<

Coming on too strong is asking her to marry you, or telling her that you're in love with her.

You're sending something nice, then you're asking for a lunch date. Pretty innocent. If she doesn't want the attention, she'll let you know pretty quickly.

I hope it all goes well! Remember, this is all about her. She needs to know that you really care, and that you think she's special enough to make the extra effort.

Julie

[the_boxer_]

30. Thanks...

:hi:

[jpgray]

24. Here's what I would do--ask her out all macho-like

and then cry like a little boy when she rejects you.

It's within your means, right?

:)

edit: Whoops, I'm not a lady. Pretend my post doesn't exist.

[the_boxer_]

26. LOL....

...well..

at least it brought me a laugh

Thanks. :-)

[never cry wolf]

28. One thing is for sure

If you do NOTHING, nothing will happen. When you look back in life the things people regret most are things they did NOT do.

If your objective is to start up with her again, it ain't gonna happen sittin on your duff. If you try and get rejected then at least you have closure, right now all you have is a mind fuck bouncing between doubt and hope.

Better than an email or real card, send her a long stemmed rose, let her know that your time together was important and meaningful to you and you are grateful to have known her, lets have lunch for old times sake at least.

my 2 cents

[the_boxer_]

29. Thank you....

And thank everyone here for the suggestions.

I will have to ponder and I'll definitely do something by Monday. I'm leaving for Boston on Tuesday and will not be back until the following Monday so may be she can contemplate it until I get back...