Broke up with GF tonight, now shes going crazy.

[MirrorAshes]

I loved this girl with all my heart, I tried for months to make it work. We were good together, but there were certain parts of her personality that just weren't going to allow our relationship to work. We were on the brink of moving in together and I realized that it was now or never to call it quits. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I gritted my teeth and did it. I know I hurt her, and she won't understand, but it had to happen, I was becoming more and more miserable and felt more and more trapped. Now we've been sending texts back and forth with me trying to tell her I'm sorry and her getting progressively more venomous. I treated this girl like a queen and showered her with love, and now she just told me that I am no better than the man who raped her 4 years ago. I know she is upset but I really don't think I can ever forgive her for that. I am a jerk for doing this right before we were going to move in together, but I never said a hateful word to her let alone ever laid a violent hand on her. Its a real shame, what this has come to tonight.

I know this isn't the place for it but I just had to write that out somewhere, and I guess tonight you all are all I've got. She'll never know it, but I did truly love her, and she'll never understand how sorry I am right now. Poor girl, I hope she regrets her words one day.

[Whoa_Nelly]

1. It is a hard thing to do, but maybe this will help

This quote has often given me clearer insight into myself and my choices.

For you, MirrorAshes :hug:


From Carlos Castaneda The Teachings of Don Juan

"A path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself alone, one question. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't it is of no use."

[MirrorAshes]

3. Thank you for that.

I have tried and tried but in my heart there was always something telling me it just wasn't right. Ultimately I know I would not have been happy, or at the very least, I would have always felt like something was just a little bit off. I want true happiness and I hope I will find it. The quote reassures me that I have made the right decision. Thank you :hug:

[Robeson]

2. I hope you both find peace...

...:thumbsup:

[MirrorAshes]

5. Thank you. She just took it back, so that is good.

Tonight is still a very hard night, but at least something that horrible won't stand.

[reyd reid reed]

4. She's hurt and so she's lashing out and trying to hurt you

however she can. It's sad but it's what happens sometimes.

:hug:

She will come to regret the words. And probably sooner rather than later.

[MirrorAshes]

6. Yup. She regrets it already.

I have alot of regret of my own, too, but none that I cannot justify to myself in my heart. I hope she'll be able to say the same tomorrow.

[Haole Girl]

7. That's tough

I'm sad, that you say you truly love her yet couldn't work it out, somehow. It's better now...you know the cliche' ....I won't even finish that sentence.

If I could please give just one piece of advice? Don't take anything she says right now to heart. She is hurt, and lashing out is only natural. I know that may not help right now. Once, after a young man left me for another woman, I told him I never really loved him at all. It was a lie. I never did admit to him that I only said it out of anger.

[applegrove]

8. Oh - that must be such a shock to her system. She thought you were

moving in together and you were the opposite suddenly. That must hurt a great deal. Talk to her. Allow her to call. She is grieving and if she is angry that is understandable. I hope she has a posse of friends. Either way..make yourself available to her as long as she doesn't cross certain lines. Let her grieve and go through the stages. Good for you to do that for your own growth too. You need to get to know yourself too. Last minute jump means you don't have your shit together either. So admit how cruel it must feel to her. Cause the timing was cruel. You are not perfect. Obviously. So admit fully to her that it is all the more cruel because you had made so many plans with her for the future and then changed your mind. That you didn't give her a chance to work on it (counseling). That you did pull the rug out from under her. Be honest about the shock and suddeness. Life is cruel. She's trying to figure that one out. Sounds like you are helping her as much as you can.

May you both learn from this time of loss and upheaval.

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. Oh, yeah, MirrorAshes is the REAL *CRIMINAL* in this case,

doing all that harm to her, pulling out the rug, being cruel, the timing was cruel, he "changed his mind", blah blah blah.

Yeah, all the guilt belongs to him for having the maturity to know the relationship wasn't working, and for having gthe courage to end it sooner instead of later. :eyes:

[applegrove]

12. I'm just saying he should take responsibility for whatever he can in

this. Otherwise known as setting boundaries. Seems like she needs some help with this and the more clearly he can set boundaries and take responsibility for everything he can...the easier and quicker it will be for her to move to the next stage of grieving.

[zanne]

13. I know what you're saying, applegrove.

She's the one who's really hurting. She was led to believe certain things and then her world was turned upside down. When people are hurt this way, sometimes they try to regain dignity and self-worth by lashing out. I'm not saying it's right, but some understanding of the situation from both sides is needed here.

[applegrove]

16. Thanks. Wasn't meant to be a scolding. There worlds are apart from

each other right now..and they both have to build a new one. So the sooner she is separated from him in a very real way..the better for her. And to do that..there need to be boundaries which he as the less hurting party can do more effectively. Then they can move apart and she can but him where he belongs in her world.. perhaps as an immature asshole..if that is what she gets to .. or perhaps as a saint if he really treated her great.

[MirrorAshes]

19. I am certainly not free from blame

I don't believe it was cruel of me to do what I had to do, I never intended to hurt her or screw her over, but I do know that the timing made it worse. I tried to tell her I was sorry in a million different ways and let her know how much I regretted the timing. I'm going to try to send her some money just so she'll have a bit of a cushion for making new plans-- I did pull the rug out from under her and I want to make it as painless as I can, though no amount of money will ever really make up for it.

I just hope she lands on her feet. She's dealt with alot of pain in her life and it kills me that I am, in her words, "just another person to let her down". She was miserable before she met me and being with me didn't seem to make it much better. I just hope that now she can try to find happiness on her own, so that one day she can actually have a healthy relationship.

[applegrove]

22. Yup. You have definitely left her. A healthy relationship could very

well be her next one. You don't know. Just keep with the boundaries and being honest. Buy her a book on trauma (Trauma & Recover is a great one). So she can follow the stages. Tell her to get online at a site that talks relationships..and she will find people in the exact same relationship mixup as she is. And they will lift her up or kick her in the pants when she needs it (Sometimes one needs both at the very same time). Discussion forums are like that. You could buy her three months of "the web" as a leg up. And be very wary of disrupting her network of friends. If you share friends..that is hard to do..but manageable.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. Stop playing her game - you don't need to respond instantly

to every venomous attack.

She's repsonsible for her own behavior, not you. You have no guilt in this situation, IMO.

And you would have been much more of a jerk to wait until AFTER you'd moved in together to break up with her. A jerk waits until it's "easy", instead of doing it when it should be done. Kudos to you on your courage AND on your maturity to realize the relationship wasn't working and for stopping it before it went worse. You are to be congratulated.

In time, she'll see that; or, if she doesn't, who cares? Be glad you are rid of her.

[NewWaveChick1981]

10. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

:hug: I know the pain of a breakup, and it's awful. It will take a while for both of you to get past the pain, and you need to allow yourself time to grieve. Please know I empathize with you completely. Vent here all you want. :hug: :pals:

[Guava Jelly]

14. It took a lot of courage to do what you did

I don't know if i would have had the balls.
Your x is hurting bad right now.And I think part of you still loves her!
I hope you both find peace.And someday can be friends again

[buddhamama]

15. you're not a jerk

for doing this right before you were going to move into togther. the jerky thing would have been to move in with her, knowing in your heart you were miserable and not totally commited (that would have been extremely jerky!!!! ).

i am sorry for what you're going through. :hug:

[Floogeldy]

17. Looks like she proved that you made the correct decision.

Best that it happened now instead of after moving in together.

[crim son]

18. She sounds like she's hurting.

She didn't mean what she said, and only wanted to hurt you as you hurt her. You'll never forgive her? No offense, but both of you will be better off apart, IMHO. Actual love means forgiveness.

[MirrorAshes]

20. She took it back, and I do forgive her for saying it

and I let her know my door will always be open.

[crim son]

21. I'm glad, MirrorAshes.

I've had to do some major accepting and forgiving lately, and it saddened me to think you had closed the door on compassion. With good luck you will both move on to something that will bring you joy. -Lisa

[SlavesandBulldozers]

23. tell her the best way to get over somebody

is to get on top of another.

ok. don't. maybe wait a week or two then say it. and that goes for you too.

in all seriousness though you did the right thing by not allowing the move-in thing to happen, then it gets difficult - and oh so ugly.