I hate celibacy HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!

[Deja Q]

And if this keeps up, I'll have to go on a diet too! Damn comfort food is no substitute for loving companionship. :P

[WindRavenX]

1. you have the power to be happy

You need to believe it. You don't HAVE to be alone, HP.

[Deja Q]

5. I don't?

How come people can't stand talking with me? How come I can't think of things to say? How come I can't do naturally what other people don't even realize they take for granted? (And verbal communication is a world different from written communication...)

Trust me. I'm an emotional and social cripple. It's sheer luck I've survived as long as I have. And that's what keeps me going. Hope.

[WindRavenX]

6. because you're setting yourself up to fail

By believing that no one can "stand" to talk to you, you will act it out. Trust me. How come you can't be socially active with apparent ease?

Let me tell you-- I was the same way. Coming through an alcoholic family will do that to you. But after a lot of therapy, I realized I was in control of how I acted. I acted like I was WORTH being talked to, that I was WORTH being known.

None of your posts project that and people pick that up.

[Deja Q]

9. I'm bookmarking your response...

:hug:

[WindRavenX]

10. I WANT to see you happy

Because EVERONE deserves to be happy.

Do you believe that you genuinely deserve to be happy?

[Deja Q]

19. Thank you.

Yes, I do believe I want to be happy. Then reality steps in. I pretend people don't gawk or make vile comments with their putrid friends giggling next to them, but it happens.

[datasuspect]

37. when people reach out to you

reach back

[LoZoccolo]

38. I kinda gotta second WindRavenX.

I used to wonder about positive thinking vs. negative thinking, thinking that there wasn't much to it other than it keeps you from giving up and gives you some motivation, but after my pretty reasonable shrink told me it actually works, I put more credibility into it.

Then this girl at work told me about this study that this guy did where people divided up into people who considered themselves lucky and people who considered themselves unlucky. They were told to find out how many pictures were in a newspaper they were given. The people who considered themselves unlucky generally took a couple minutes to count them all, but the "lucky" people tended to find the message early in the newspaper that told them that they could stop because there were X number of pictures and they didn't need to count. I don't think of this as magic so much as when you think you can't do something your mind stops paying attention to opportunities. I found it on the web after that but can't find it now...but there you have it.

[LoZoccolo]

39. Found it!

HTML conversion of the PDF:
http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:trwOV7J6BMAJ:www.psy.herts.ac.uk/wiseman/papers/The%2520Luck%2520Factor.pdf+%22the+luck+factor%22+study+newspaper&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=1

original PDF:
http://www.psy.herts.ac.uk/wiseman/papers/The%20Luck%20Factor.pdf

[JVS]

2. It's about time someone had the courage to speak out against the...

national crisis of people not putting out. FUCK for AMERICA, people!

[ThomCat]

51. Well Said!

:P

[knowbody0]

3. me too, Hypno Toad

My last lover gave me the gift that keeps on giving (incurable STD) and I am celibate by my own choice for three and a half years now.

It sucks.

You seem like such a fun guy, I cannot believe you have trouble finding a partner. This is the first time in my life I have been alone since I was 16.

[Deja Q]

7. Written vs verbal. Trust me. You wouldn't be surprised.

:D

I'm sorry the bastard gave you a STD. He should be jailed; it's disgusting people don't take proper precations, care, or letting the other person know. :hug:

[knowbody0]

11. in my spare time I fantacize about

removing his eyeballs and stuffing them up his ass.

I have a knowing that you're going to meet your soul mate really soon my friend. You're really a cute guy with such an innocent boy face. Have faith.

[xmas74]

4. We're in the same boat.

I just don't have time to mess w/ a relationship right now.

[dorktv]

8. *marries you* There

[khashka]

12. I hate it too.... and I chose it!

I'm giving it another week. At which point, if I have not reached some profound spiritual awakening.... well... then I'm putting on my "Let's Fuck For Freedom" T -shirt and going on the prowl.


So don't go on a diet! I like you just the way you are. No point in my going into predator mode if there's no decent prey around :)


Khash.

[In_The_Wind]

13. I hate it too but you'd better sit down before you read this:

Sex isn't everything.
:shrug:

[Deja Q]

14. How would I know, I never get to do it?

:rofl:


It's not everything... but it offers levels of togetherness, happiness, companionship, that can't be accomplished by a collection of DVDs and songs on an iPod. (though maybe if I was more outgoing in general, I'd not have to worry about being a wallflower...)

[In_The_Wind]

15. I can have the togetherness, happiness and companionship.

but making love is history x( unless I want a different person in my life
if you really knew me you'd understand what a difficult adjustment this is

[SammyWinstonJack]

28. I agree and I am married.

Or maybe I agree because I am married :yoiks:

[ThomCat]

52. "Sex is like air.

It's only important if you're not getting any."

I always loved that quote. It's still true.

[mduffy31]

16. Tell me about

Being celibate really does suck....especially if it isn't your choice.

[Deja Q]

17. Not by choice,

but I'm going to work on confidence and act as if I am worth it. ;) I learned that a few minutes ago...

[mduffy31]

24. eaiser said than done mah-boy

[NewWaveChick1981]

18. Celibate? What's that?

:P Seriously, you need a hug. :hug: Saw a (gay) friend of mine this weekend who has not had a relationship in nine years, due in part to his commitment to taking care of his mother as she runs the course of Alzheimer's. :( Although your situations are different, you both suffer from the same loneliness. And my heart goes out to you. :hug: :pals:

I can help you with the diet thing---just PM me if you want. :)

[JVS]

22. And to think that I had always looked to you as an example of the beauty..

of chaste virtuousity, an unspoiled flower of beauty uncorrupted by the ways of decaying flesh. This deeply saddens me! :cry:

[billyskank]

34. Not cool.

The proper response to someone who never gets laid is not "how much sex I have." Not unless you want to be hurtful, that is.

[Phillycat]

42. IAWTC

:thumbsup:

[Critters2]

20. Comprendo

I sympathize, and, because I don't have a ready solution--I empathize. At least in Iowa, I had a social life that didn't include sex. Here, I'm just bored and lonely.

I hate Illinois. I love DU.

[lost-in-nj]

21. I don't understand

you are a good looking guy with a smile that will light up a room.
Remember that next time you get tongue tied..
You ARE worthy :hi:

If you have a passion or a hobby maybe you should join a group or go to night school and meet people
with your same interests.

I would meet you if I wasn't married!

lost

[elocs]

23. I've been celibate for 12 years now. It's not so bad.

The first 10 years were tough, but then its clear sailing (just kidding). I have a gorgeous 15 year old daughter and some of my best friends are women, but I always hated dating and all of the games involved. I realize that I am socially lazy and have had no desire to invest the effort required for a relationship and I was never into casual sex. Plus there are far too many STDs now. I am 54 now and so any women I would look at to date would likely have exes and lots of other baggage. Ironically, I find many, many more kinds and types of women attractive now than I did when I was in my 20s and looking for 10s. But I can appreciate them without having to be involved with them. I may be alone, but I am not lonely and I am content with my life and its simplicity and its lack of aggravation (except for the political aggravation I get from reading DU). So I am satisfied with my life and my choice of celibacy is no problem.

For those who might think that I am an undateable troll, that is not the case. I am a college graduate who is intelligent and well spoken, who is sensitive, polite, and considerate and know how to treat a woman. When I was still in the game I was a romantic, but now I am retired and will stay that way. Finally, I am 5'9" and 180 pounds, still have my hair which is still mostly dark and am at least considered to be a nice looking man. Actually, when I was in college in the early 70s and had longer hair and wore wire rim glasses, I was told by complete strangers how much I looked like John Lennon and it happened quite a few times. Absolutely finally, I am straight and everything still works (otherwise it would be, so what's the big deal?).

[Roon]

47. No doubt!!

I have been celibate for about 6 months now. I feel the same about dating and casual sex. Even though I am already HIV+, I don't want to end up co-infected with hepatitis or something. Being celibate actually makes me feel in control of myself as I am not a slave to getting my wick wet, like so many other gay guys....

[begin_within]

25. Grow a goatee. Spit on the sidewalk. Act disinterested in everyone. And I

guarantee you will have them fighting over you.

[Deja Q]

26. Do I have to do all three?

I act disinterested. I don't look good with a goatee. And I don't spit on sidewalks.

[begin_within]

30. Yes you do.

[kwassa]

27. and wear a wedding ring.

[zanne]

45. Wear an eyepatch.

When somebody asks you what happened (and they will), tell them you don't want to talk about it.

[Redstone]

29. Then get some nookie. That's the cure for celibacy, yes?

Redstone

[New Earth]

31. me too

:cry:

[radwriter0555]

32. This isn't celibacy, this is not getting laid. There is a difference.

To be celibate means you choose to abstain from intimate sexual activity and of course the relationships that go along with it.

Windraven is right. We choose how we interact with people. I get slammed and dissed every single day of my life and I still get out there and roll with it. If people can't be bothered to realize what a really great human I am in spite of my wierdness and independence, then it's their loss. I'm happy in my skin. I don't need human approval for my existence.

[Courtesy Flush]

50. Good for you

I try to take the same approach. Being "happy in my skin" is the hard part.

[Evoman]

33. Getting laid is easy.

I'm sure I could give you some advice if you need it. It also wouldn't hurt to get some reading material about seduction...or look up tips on the internet (and avoid any websites that advise you to be "nice" or "yourself"...they are usually full of shit).

I've got to admit, I'm not particularly good looking, but I haven't had any problems getting laid since I was 19. I've read this cool book recently..it was pretty good in a general way. It talks about seduction from a historical perspective...I think it was called, "The Art of Seduction". Its got a purple cover.

On edit: You have to find some hobby or activity that gives you confidence. Without confidence, your dead in the water socially. Trying hitting the gym, or take a martial art...it may take awhile, but you need to build up your confidence slowly but surely.

[crim son]

44. That's true.

It's not celibacy I hate, it's the loneliness and feeling unloved/unattractive and all that self-pitying stuff.

[billyskank]

35. As radwriter said, our problem is that we are NOT celibate.

To wit, we are not getting any but we want to. :(

[buddhamama]

43. oh sweetie,

i don't understand why you are not attached...you're truly a lovely person.


:hug: :pals: :hug:

[sofa king]

36. Hypno, you've got it all at your fingertips already.

You just don't know it. Others above have counseled confidence and I concur, but there may be a back-door way to gaining that confidence.

See, you're a Democrat. Whereas lots of other dudes are just bullshitting, we really do give a damn about women and the quality of their lives. We care about lots of different things. We're usually pretty curious about those things we don't know and don't understand. We can empathize. We have passion, and compassion. Our political bent stems from certain moral certitudes from which we will not back away--and that is a type of confidence.

So... maybe the trick for both you and me is to skip the "I'm real confident about myself" crap and just go back to doing what we do best, which is caring about others and wondering what makes them tick. Next time you see that pretty girl, try putting the screwing part in the back of your mind and instead just try to get to know more about her. Solicit opinions, don't be too judgmental, and find common ground. Chances are, you're already excellent at doing such things, because you're a Democrat.

"Giving a damn" is confidence. It's the confidence in your ability to know right from wrong and good from bad, to feel outrage, and triumph, and everything in between. So go out there, be a good Democrat, and maybe the nookie will find you! Or us, as the case happens to be.

[LoZoccolo]

41. Women?

:D

[Deja Q]

55. Of course I care about women!

And not just "care to do them" either.

I totally hear ya; and after talking with a friend a few weeks ago, I will make a real effort to instigate conversations and be more inquisitive about them. Or at least try; being an Aspie, it's hard to do at times. But that's not meant to be used as an excuse; it's something to overcome. And that's the goal OF being human; to overcome your handicaps.

[crim son]

40. Oh, I just love it.

I'm starting to believe I'll never do it again & considering how it leads to grief, that may be a good thing.

[redqueen]

46. I dunno... I'm kinda gettin used to it.

The actual celibacy itself is less depressing than the lack of any kind of intimacy at all.

[Critters2]

48. Ya know what's worse than celibacy?

Celibacy in Chicago. BTDT.

[Courtesy Flush]

49. Look for a socially crippled girl

Somewhere out there is a girl who thinks nobody wants her, and she comminucates very poorly too (maybe that's why you missed her). She's a square peg, and so are you.

Maybe you're only interested in the same women all the other guys are interested in. That'll get you nowhere.

I'm a bit of a square peg myself, so I know what I'm talking about. Your original post sounds like I could have written it myself, only I lucked out and met someone early on in my life. I honestly grew up thinking I'd be single and celibate all my life. If it can happen for a short, handicapped guy like me, you've got nothing to worry about.

BTW: you didn't say how old you are. If you're 18 and bitching about celebacy, you're just impatient. If you're 25, get out there and look for that square peg!

[Courtesy Flush]

53. There's a country music lyric that applies here

There's a song I like that says "Some girls don't like boys like me. Ah, but some girls do."

That really hits home with me. I'm delighted that there is one woman who loves me. All the others can find me repulsive, for all I care. If you say "there aren't a lot of women who'd want me", ask yourself just how many you need.

Keep us updated on this.

[ThomCat]

54. I went a few years without.

I'm mentioned it here before. I got horrible, vicious reactions from people when I tried to flirt with guys. They would look at my cane or my crutches and basically laugh at me. I was told that nobody would want me because I was broken. I was told that I should look some someone old and decrepid who would feel lucky to get someone as young as me. etc.

I gave up. Friends of mine prodded me into being social and flirtatious again. I'm very lucky to have those friends.

It's a numbers game. You have to meet enough people, talk regularly with enough people, and keep trying with enough people to eventually click with someone.

Some people are lucky and get an endless number of opportunities. Anyone who isn't physically perfect has a much harder time. Anyone who also isn't outgoing only makes it that much more difficult.

:hug:

[kwassa]

58. True dat.

It is a numbers game. A wise friend of mine had a method that I admired. He loved to go country western dancing. His rule was this: He would ask women to dance with him until he was rejected five times in a row. He never reached five. Ever. He found some really great ladies.

[BreweryYardRat]

56. I'm in the same boat.

Pity we aren't attracted to each other.

[hotforteacher]

57. Hypnotoad, dahhhling...

Come and cross the river and I will chat with you for hours. I teach elements of speech. Please don't mind that I drink gallons of coffee and chainsmoke and get really animated!


:pals: