Are All Of Your Children Loved Equally? And What Does That Mean?

[AutumnMist]

I had a off base conversation with my Mom tonight. She made sure to stress that while she was raising us she loved us all the same. We were all "equal" in her eyes. And that none of us got special treatment. I am a mother and I find it strange to have to make everyone equal. I mean I have a son and a daughter. Vast difference in age and they both have qualities that I love. Are they the same? Umm...no. They are who they are. And I find that their individual qualities makes them each a beautiful and real person. Why the guilt? Why cant we as parents just say that there are some things I love about you and some things I think you should work on? Either way I will love you...but you are who you are. And that is what I love. Just a strange thing that we need to make sure that no child ever feels left behind in the family spiral. If we didn't have the whole mind set "all of us are equal", wouldn't that allow each person to grow and become who they are meant to be? Just a thought as a mother and a daughter. I have been on both sides of the fence. Just looking for some input. Hope the point makes sense.

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. I believe the usage of the term "equally" is more the sense of "similar"

and not "congruent".

I don't understand your beef about this - perhaps you are trying to pin an untenable and nonexistent mathematical epistemology to her words.

[AutumnMist]

4. Not Mathematics. LOL

My point was not a beef. I have dealt with who I am and who my parents are a very long time ago. My point was the vague blanket statement of acceptance. I don't think its bad to praise any child for a specific or passionate calling. We (my siblings and I) found the one thing that we loved and went with it in our lives and career. Why the need to make it all one thing? I just don't get my Mother explaining why she accepted us all in the same way. We did different things and we had different dreams. My parents stayed the course and just said do it. No matter what finish it. So we did. And I thank them for that. But when it comes to the specifics they are both uncomfortable. Why? I know we all have dreams as kids and parents. But when do we just say "you did good for who YOU are". And make that a good thing. To be an individual and not a collective whole? This isn't a poor me and my family thread. I get along great with all of them. My point was as a parent today with my kids and the parent that my mother was expected to be in her time...well thats changed. My Mom cannot say get off your ass and be the person you should be. Its be the person thats acceptable? In Society? Well I am not always ok with that. Why cant we just be ourselves. And encourage that in our own children while guiding them? Why the walls and the vague explanations?

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. I think you are very, very confused.

You want your mother to love you for very specific things that you have done ("I love you because you excelled in medical school and are now a great, world-famous surgeon following your dream and you dress well and you have good hygiene and you always show up on time"); your mother, however, is willing to love you simply for being you.

You, then, bellyache - you say - because you want unconditional and non-specific-based love from your parent and deride her for loving you (plural) all the same even though you (plural) all have wonderful things that you've achieved that you should be loved for.

Maybe this isn't how you feel - but your post is so utterly confusing, that is what it feels like to read it.

It seems to me that your mother was wonderful - she gave you all permission to be the people you were called to be, and she loves you all equally, totally non-dependant on what you have done or achieved or failed to achieve.

I don't understand why you have a beef with this.

Quite seriously, you seem (as I read it) like a seriously self-absorbed whinger who has no idea what you really want so you strike out and insult those who has been supportive and loving because they didn't "do enough, goddamit!". But, absolutely, my impression could be fueled solely by your intensely confusing posts.

[AutumnMist]

11. No I am Not Confused

I know what I am worth regardless of what comes from the home front. My mother (which is more or less the point PLEASE read the post) isn't capable of seeing us outside of what they wanted in most ways. Did she love us? Yes. Did my father? Yes. My point was that neither one of them feel comfortable with being specific as to why we were good as people. Or that we have done good by our own beliefs. I don't think I stated that my parents had unconditional love for what we did growing up. I just stated that they (plural) expected us to grow up under one umbrella of life choices. And that we (plural) meaning my siblings and I have taken different paths in spite of that one choice and one path thinking. So therefore its hard for me to believe, in spite of that thinking, that we are not loved in an unspoken way as individuals. And as a mother it was a thought of what I would like to pass down to my daughter. That it isn't just what you do in terms of money or a job. But who YOU were as a person along the way. And why I said or did the things I did. Not because it was the right thing to do. Or even the PC thing to say. But because I saw individuals in the mix of what was expected. I think you are confused about the point. We can all shine in our own light. We can have support. We can have family. But that doesn't mean that we are all the same. Nor are we all confused about what we want. It just means we ask questions. And I would like my daughter to do the same thing. I am not going to tell her its great thats shes a doctor because she makes great money if she wants to be an artist. And I certainly wouldn't tell her brother that he was a great person for making money if he was a lawyer and wanted to be a musician. Thats a SPECIFIC thing, about specific dreams for my children. Because they are their own people. And I don't have to say "I loved you all the same...no matter what". Because it was the right thing to do. I want them to be their own people. And what I will tell them is yes do it, but do it for you. Not for the money. Not for the fame. But because you believed in it. And if that confuses you? Well sorry. Its to late for me (not plural) to explain it.

[Rabrrrrrr]

32. I still can't parse what you are writing.

Maybe English isn't your first language, or maybe you just aren't good at it (and that's okay, not everyone is) and that's the communication barrier going on here.

It still seems to me that you parents loved and love you and have said that they do. It also seems to me that for most people having their parents say "I love you!" is enough. But, from what I can gather from your confusing language, you want them to say "I love you because ......" and then insert the good things you have done, e.g., "I love you because you help people, won an award, and show up for work on time" (or whatever the reasons are you are looking for).

Am I getting this correct? Seriously, I'm not trying to put words into your mouth - I'm truly trying to comprehend the language in your posts so that I can understand better what your issue actually is.

[REP]

19. Concur

Isn't getting the reassurance of why she's the most specialist one ever. Instead is hearing is equal in Mommy's eyes. It would be cute(?) if the poster were a child, but since she seems to be well into her 30s ... well ...

edited for typo to please someone very special

[AutumnMist]

20. Lets Discuss As Adults

Sentence Structure: Isn't get the reassurance of why she's the most specialist one ever.

Snotty Translation: Is not getting the reassurance of being the most special one ever. (Most special one ever meaning ever. Of all time. Like you know what I mean) I think you proved that one with your own feelings about yourself with your comments.

Actual english: Is feeling that she wasn't special in the conversation.

My thirty year old not so cute reply? ::wtf:

[REP]

21. Ok

You had a kid at 15 and one 5 years ago. You want praise for ... what exactly.

[AutumnMist]

23. Well if I had a child at 15

it would be that I did it. Point blank. It wouldn't be up to you what my choice was correct? Wouldn't that make you the special one in the opinion? He is my step son. Or does giving birth make you a mother? Did I miss your oh so adult thread on that? And yes, I am proud of him. We are a family. Research it along with your grammar. It will open up wonderful avenues for you.

[REP]

24. Put Down The Pipe, Sweetie

No, I just saw your post about your age and your son - no mention of him not being your biological child. I'm not really that interested in you and your family. Your mother is a saint, though. I understand what she was saying even more now.

Goodnight, and I hope you resolve your anger issues. :hug:

[AutumnMist]

25. Of Course

:eyes: Not interested in my family but just stayed long enough to insult me. Wonderful! You couldn't possibly get it from my post. Unless of course you had stayed in southern California for 26 years with me. But I suppose anger issues are best left to those you piss off. Not to the ones (you)that make the shitty comments. Perfect. And children being biological? That matters to you why? You didn't go into that exactly. As if somehow I am at fault. Like it was misleading. I hope you also resolve your trust issues. I didn't post this thread for you to decide what family was...sweetie. I guess the pipe gets passed.

[Lars39]

14. I have found

that people who have grown up in families where there are 'favorites' have a visceral dislike of that practice, and in varying degrees, are determined to not let it happen when they themselves have children. They probably haven't really pieced together the why's of their parenting, and thus feel uncomfortable talking 'specifics'. ymmv

[AutumnMist]

16. I Really Believe

That this is true. I don't like it. The not talking about honest emotions? It bugs me. We all have our own way of dealing with things. But I choose to just deal with it head on. I have a very open relationship with my 5 year old daughter and my 20 year old son. We discuss so many things. I am ok with that.

[Floogeldy]

2. I am so sorry to read that your family is spiraling.

:hug:

[mad-mommy]

3. love has no measure...it just is...

so if you love your kids, that's all that matters

[Floogeldy]

5. You love your kids, correct?

You would do anything for them. Is this true, mad-mommy?

[mad-mommy]

7. of course

[AutumnMist]

6. That is my point

why measure it? We all have things that make up who we are.

[pitohui]

10. why measure it? because guess what your kids aint stupid

if people want to kid themselves that nobody knew that they had a favorite then fine, but that's all they are doing is kidding THEMSELVES

the child knows, the other siblings know, the other parent knows, everybody in the entire town knows

do you know what's it like to have your DAD apologize because your mom had a favorite and it wasn't you?

do you know what's it like to have the favorite sibling herself apologize?

i do and if you have a favorite child, THEY DO TOO, so stop kidding yourself

there wasn't one minute, one second, one heartbeat of my life that i was ever fooled -- and i am a high functioning autistic with an hfa's social skills

your kids know

don't pretend it ain't measured because it is

if you can't love me, fine, but don't ALSO insult my intelligence and sensitivity

[AutumnMist]

12. This Wasn't About My Kids

or myself as a mother. I do know about most of the things you listed. That was my point. When can we just be ourselves? And not have to do this with the favorites? Or the equals? I think its bullshit! It happens. That was my point about "we all loved you in an equal way". Its not true.

[pitohui]

17. agreed that is my point!!! thank you

my point about "we all loved you in an equal way". Its not true.

that's exactly what i said, maybe not as well

parents pick favorites and FUCK THEM for picking favorites

they don't all love you in an equal way, they love the pretty one more than the others

it's life

we just get on with it

[pitohui]

9. your mom loved another child better than you

so she was justifying

you didn't catch a clue train so i should prob. STFU

but since you asked it's fairly hard to resist

obviously you have the idea you do -- If we didn't have the whole mind set "all of us are equal", wouldn't that allow each person to grow and become who they are meant to be? -- because you are completely self involved and think you are the favorite child

some of us don't have that luxury

you would be more than you are if you were the favorite child and got more resources, and so would i, so would millions

[AutumnMist]

13. Ok

Look. So its a bad thing. To think that we could be who we are meant to be? Without judgment? As a woman? As a man? As a person? Because you think I am favored? Nope...sorry....I don't buy into that. I think I can be who I am meant to be because I get up every damn day and make it happen. The pecking order in my family hasn't existed since I was 18. I am now 35. So please refrain from the whole I am the center of the universe thing. I am not taken care of. And I haven't been since June 1989. You do the math. The luxury of thinking that someone else cant hold me down? Thats a luxury? Regardless of sex or financial background...I have become my own person.

[pitohui]

15. but not enough your own person not to wonder about it

i'm not the favorite either so i feel for you but you wouldn't have posted this if you weren't screwed up for a parent's favoritism toward another child

[AutumnMist]

18. No

I mean really NO! If I didn't say anything about it? It would make me ok with it? I just think my parents aren't being truthful. End of story. I don't think I hung the moon, I don't cry myself to sleep at night. It really was a commentary about the conversation. Just a phone conversation with my own mother that made me think about being a mother in a different light. Yes, we all have rejection. We all have acceptance. Who doesn't? We all feel the sting of loss and joy of being on top. Both are fleeting. Like the thread I suppose. Good-night!

[AlienGirl]

22. I love my children uniquely and specially

Each of them is so perfectly *himself*, and the qualities I cherish in each are different. My elder son has a towering intellect, is full of compassion, and never gives up on anything. My younger son is sparklingly happy, has a soaring imagination, and has self-mastry beyond his years. I love the way my older son is always looking for more information and trying to figure out the next step, and I love how my younger son can make himself content and create endless stories about his "guys."

There is not one favorite here; there are two.

Tucker

[AutumnMist]

26. Thank You!

Thats really what I was thinking as well. :)

[Skittles]

27. I bet parents love equally but don't LIKE equally

huge difference there :)

[ScreamingMeemie]

29. Good point Skittles....

My kids "pick up the slack" for each other. Nobody cleans up a bedroom like my son... Nobody smiles quite so exuberantly as my daughter. My son is the sober neatnik... My daughter, the sloppy spirit. I wouldn't trade either of them, but at times one over the other can make my day. :D

[ScreamingMeemie]

28. My children are loved...well loved, cherished even...

by me, at the same time.

[YankeyMCC]

30. Yes

I only have one ;)

[LaurenG]

31. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world

Loving our kids is easy it's raising them to feel loved and validated that is hard.

I loved both of my children but one of them was much easier to get along with as they got older.

Since mine are grown now it's easy to say I should have done this or that, hindsight and all. Some kids are just more difficult and there in lies the rub.

I think I would have spent more time showing my kids how to be and let a lot of the normal kid things go without making such a big deal out of them.

There is nothing more powerful than love and teaching our kids that they are worthy of it may well change our world.