Anyone here with a relative in a nursing home? How do you cope?

[hatredisnotavalue]

Went to visit my mother yesterday at the veteran's home. Drove two hours round trip. Spent the hour with her just ripping me a new ahole. She found fault with my life, my business, her grand kids and even begged me to stop coloring my hair. I truly feel I have to stop these visits because I was shaking with anger after I left. At the last of it, she got mad at me because I didn't bring her her eye drops which the doctors told her she couldn't have.
Her last words were don't come back unless you bring me those eye drops.

She lived with us for three years and then had to go to the nursing home after she broke her hip and had a stroke. It was truly impossible for me to take care of her.
That's my rant....please feel to add yours...Peace

[Midlodemocrat]

1. My dad was in a nursing home before he passed away.

He lived with me for a while, but as he got less mobile and more incontinent it became impossible to care for him.

He wasn't angry though. He was always happy to see us. I wonder if maybe your mom might need some anti-depressants? Especially if she wasn't normally like that prior to getting ill?

A lot of the elderly take them because it is tough getting old and having to leave your home and your things and your family.

Consider asking the provider at the facility. It might make a lot of difference.

And, good luck to you. This is a painful time in your life and you need to take care of yourself as well. :hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

2. Thanks!

No my mother has always been this way. It is just so harder now because I am being a whole lot nicer now than when I was a teenager.

[speedoo]

3. I don't have a rant.

My sister was in a nursing home for five years, before she passed. She was a stroke victim, so she was quite passive. But she would have shown gratitude for my visits, if she were able to. Usually, I was able to get her to smile.

So I was lucky.

If you want my thoughts on your situation, let me know. But it might not be what you want to hear.

[bertha katzenengel]

4. I can't imagine how horrible that must be.

For us, it's just been watching our grandmother deteriorate until she can't speak coherently. She is talking, and probably trying to make her thoughts into sentences, but she speaks a gibberish combination of English, German, and words that are misplaced (calling a table a "slick," for example).

Yet her health remains fairly good. It is so god damned perverse.

I am sorry about how your mom has treated you. Best wishes for better things in the future.

[Redstone]

5. I think you have to be a saint to cope with that situation.

I really do.

Redstone

[lost-in-nj]

6. First let me give you

:pals:
My mom was in a nursing home....
I realized we could do the same things here they did there.
The Dr. got hospice involved (THANK YOU ANGELS!!!!)
so she came home to die.....
Strength is what you need. She is probably scared. and so are you.
You are the opposite, you could not take care of her anymore so you put her in a nursing home and near the end I thought the same thing ....
Remember the good times, thats what got us through


lost

[Flaxbee]

7. My mom is in assisted living.

She's stabilized on medicine now, for early Alzheimer's, but before the meds kicked in she was vicious. Some of it is just disappointment with life, that she is older/aging/doesn't feel good, hasn't always had a happy life/marriage, etc. Some of it is age and mental deterioration.

Please remember, if your mom has had a stroke she might have had some brain damage. If the hip break was particularly bad, it could also have affected her personality. And age has a way of stripping away the filters, the politeness if it was ever there, etc. I think we might all get to a point in life where we just don't give a damn, life hasn't been fair, we feel crappy and so we say nasty things.

Can you change topics with her at all? Bring books, magazines, gossipy rags, anything to divert her? I think going to see her is important, but only if you can mentally steel yourself for it. Try not to take it personally, she quite probably is not operating with a full deck. Tough to do when it's your mom tearing into you, but you are mentally all there, she probably isn't, and that if nothing else deserves some leniency. Sometimes Alzheimer's patients really have no idea they're being nasty. Sometimes people with early dementia don't know, either.

You have my sympathy. I know it can be really rough.

[Aristus]

8. My mother's parents are both in a nursing home.

He's 94, she's 87. Both are suffering from senile dementia. His is severe. I rarely see them, except for special occasions. My mother sees them both nearly every day. My grandmother can only recognize me if she is reminded of who I am. Sad. This is a woman who earned a college degree at the age of 54. She worked at the Pentagon for a number of years and won a special award for service when she retired.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

9. My stepfather is in a nursing home with dementia and

a degenerative bone disease, while my mother is in assisted living and has difficulty walking, due to osteoporosis.

My stepfather was a musician all his life, and he can still play the piano better than most people, but he is coherent only about half the time.

My mother will be moving into the assisted living portion of the nursing home where my stepfather, the love of her life, is. She can't drive anymore, which means either taking taxis or prevailing upon my brothers and me to drive her, and getting together is so good for both of them.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. Don't let her walk all over you.

She's like a cantankerous 2 year old right now. It's hard to accept; but that's the gist of the situation.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't feel compassion for her. But when she gets abusive, I think you need to set limits, as you would with a child. The next time she leans in to you, suggest to her that she probably needs a few minutes to get into a more positive frame of mind; then leave the room. If she starts up again after you return, tell her you're going to come back another day when she hopefully feels up to being less hypercritical. If you can tell her when you'll be visiting next, it'd be good. Then leave.

This may be the lousiest advice in the world...but it's what my gut is telling me I would do in your situation.

I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time right now. :hug::hug::hug:

[radwriter0555]

11. Hey, that IS good advice. That's some of the best advice I've ever come

across for adults dealing with abusive elderly parents.

The dialogue and action is well framed, well presented, and very empowering.

It's using the techniques we use on a child that's acting out, but framed for an adult. And it doesn't allow the elder parent the gratification of pushing all the buttons. There is no reward for their negative behavior.

Well done, thanks... I'm impressed.

[Blue Diadem]

14. excellent advice n/t

[philosophie_en_rose]

16. She's not a two-year old. She's an adult, at the end of her life

Your advice about setting limits is good, but it is also important to look for the reasons behind the nagging.

Is she bored? Would it help to learn about activities and ask about them?

Is she lonely? Are there people in the home she could be friends with?

Is she hurt? Doctors can be wrong. Would a second opinion help?

Is she sad/ mad? Maybe she needs someone professional to talk to.

Is she acting like a child? Should I take her comments personally?

Frankly, something repulses me about treating my mother (in any condition) as a child. Even if I were ever her legal guardian, I'd still offer opportunities and do the best I can to advocate for her interests.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

20. Your points are well-taken

She isn't a child. But I've known a number of people who took advantage of their frailty and age (and the respect that is supposed to come with them) for the same reasons that a child would. In such instances, they need to know that their behavior is hurtful and unacceptable. We do not treat most adults this way, because we have no responsibility toward them...we can simply choose to never see them again. While it's important to keep things in perspective, and not take comments too personally, it's also important to stand up for yourself.

At he same time, as you've said, the reasons for acting out should be examined and addressed (just as they should be with a child).

Of course, each individual is different. My grandmother cared for her father until the last few months of his 97 year old life. He developed Alzheimer-like symptoms in his late 70s. She did everything for the man, and he only hurled abuse at her in return. When we kids played checkers with him, he'd cheat. He'd gripe about how my grandmother couldn't do anything right; and he wanted to live with her sister (who would visit him fairly regularly). She finally had to put him in a nursing home because he'd get up in the middle of the night, leave the house, and wander through the neighborhood aimlessly looking for someone from his youth.

My father's mother wanted him to move to Florida to take care of her...an impossible suggestion. He moved her into a nursing home here (the best they could afford), so we could all visit her. But she wasn't happy with that. She started accusing the nurses of abuse, hurling racial epithets at them, and fought with them physically...I witnessed this with my own eyes. She wasn't like this all the time; but when she was it was pure hell on the person caring for her.

A friend of mine who cares for her mother-in-law in her home has had none of these issues. The woman has difficulty remembering people, and sometimes seems to drift from one time period to another; but she's almost always pleasant, unless she's not feeling well.

It all depends...

[Beausoir]

12. I've been there. It's horrible.

Her stroke has affected how her brain works and she probably can't understand that she is being cruel. It hurts a lot to be hurt by your mom. My mom was extremely childish and child like after her stroke. Constant need and negativity.

My best advice is to take care of yourself. It's harder than it sounds. Like GOG said...set limits. When the abuse starts, excuse yourself for 5 minutes, go get a cup of coffee, read the paper, etc. Then go back. Try again.

Remember....it is NOT your fault she is old and sick and in a nursing home. Don't EVER feel that you are to blame. You are not. It's just the way life goes. You are NOT the enemy. You just happen to be the closest person she can lash out at.

[Blue Diadem]

13. ((((((hatredisnotavalue)))))) I understand,

:hug:

My Mom's last coherent statement to me was "You know that I haven't liked you for a very long time". She didn't finish her sentence because I burst into tears..telling her I already knew that. Geesh..I'd known it my entire life. (Long story..short version: it had to do with my older/only sister having downs syndrome and me being born "normal" and "intelligent" and why couldn't I have had less intelligence and my sister be given it etc. When sis died, Mom asked why it couldn't have been me)

I suspect that she had come to realize that I and my youngest son were the only ones who came to visit and make sure she was being taken care of properly. I'd quit my job when the nursing home screwed up and overdosed her. My brother refused to move her and he had power of attorney.

My son and I visited her daily. My son was 16 at the time and suddenly began to stick around the house to drive me everyday because I'd start to shake when visiting time got close. He used to tell me he didn't want me to go through that alone.

So I do understand..

[philosophie_en_rose]

15. Some thoughts.

In many cases, nursing homes leave nothing to do all day than think about other people's lives. If she had more to do, perhaps the focus would be on herself, rather than you. Even with a busted hip, she deserves to have a life of her own. Perhaps you could look into programs at the nursing home that she'd enjoy.

Remember that her comments are not about you. And, you get to go about your life in any way you like. She's alone and stuck in a home. She may be depressed or bored or in pain. All of those things are not excuses for picking on you, but they may be reasons to not take her comments personally.

Some suggested responses: "Let's not talk about that, Mom." "What can we do to make things better here?" "Sorry mom, the doctor has to get the eyedrops - but if you're eyes hurt, let's talk to him/ her about it." If she tells you not to come back without eyedrops, that doesn't mean that she hates you. It could just mean that eyes really, really hurt.

I don't think it's right for your mother to nag you, but there may be ways to assert some boundaries without cutting your mother out of your life.

[spinbaby]

17. I have a grandmother in a nursing home

The vists are, thankfully, nothing like yours. She's near 100 now, and has an active mind trapped in a failing body. When she does complain, it's mainly about being bored because she can't really see or hear or go anywhere by herself. She hates being old. Her roommate is over 100 and is very near death. She sleeps most of the time now, but when you do catch her awake, she has the most glorious smile.

[Samurai_Writer]

18. I have to deal with elderly in nursing homes weekly

I'm a personal caregiver, and some of my patients are in nursing homes or assisted living centers. Most of my patients are nice and easy to take care of, but there are a few that are mean and nasty. And usually, it is because not only are they in pain and bored, but they have always had an unpleasant personality (from what their relatives tell me).

It is much harder when it is your parent being mean and nasty to you. When I get these patients, I just agree with them. No matter what it is. Usually, that shuts them up, because they WANT you to argue with them.

Also, you do have to set limits with them. They are very much like children in some respects. For example, you can still give them a choice, but used close-ended questions like "Do you want to stay here and complain, or would you like to go to dinner now (or out for a walk, or to an activity, etc)?" If they don't answer you and keep complaining, you just respond, "Oh, then you want to stay here and complain. OK." All said in a very calm and caring tone, of course. Believe me, they will get the point quickly.

[zonkers]

19. Bring her they eyedrops.

Hang in there. Love her in spite of her nasty self. She'll be gone soon sooner than you think. And yeah, take care of yourself.

[hatredisnotavalue]

21. WOW I wish I had the time to respond to each of your suggestions

and good thoughts individually. But I've got tears in my eyes right now because you guys took the time to respond to my post. I love DU and I love being a democrat. And I love you guys for taking the time to post on this thread.

Lesson learned, there is no way I am visiting her again alone. I am taking her out of her room to the lounge or the garden where other people are around and I am definitely bringing the dog.