I need some advice about my daughter and her boyfriend.

[elocs]

She is 15 and lives with her Mom and stepdad in Chicago and I am 275 miles away in Wisconsin. My daughter is 5'10" and is mature for her age and comes across as being older than 15. She just turned 15 last month and the problem is that her boyfriend just turned 18. I had a talk with her when she was 13 about this exact problem to let her know that if she ever got into even a dating situation with a boy who was 18 and she was underage that it could be a legal problem even if what they were doing was innocent.

Her Mom has met this young man and is impressed with him and he has even told her that there would be no sex until my daughter was 18. I can give him credit for talking about it because when I was that age the last thing I wanted to talk with any girl's parents about was the potential for having sex with their daughter. The problem is that her Mom thinks that the embers between them are burning and that they might be fooling around to some point (surprise, surprise). The next problem is that her stepdad is adamant that if this boy even touches my daughter that it is rape, and 90% of everybody would agree with him, and that he would report it. The law would probably look at it as rape, but in the same way that the definition of assault is unlawful touching, I don't think that most people would consider it to be rape any more than they would consider unlawful touching to be assault. I am realistic and my goal for my daughter is to put off her becoming sexually active for as long as possible, especially with a boy who is now a legal adult and could suffer severe consequences for the relationship such as having to register for the rest of his life as a sexual offender. It is a fine line being treaded here, but I do not want her stepdad to be the one to initiate that kind of action. Since her Mom is the one there and dealing with it, the responsibility should be hers and the stepdad should back her up.

Here is the potential biggest problem. The boy is Muslim and is from Jordan. The potential bad things that could happen to him if my daughter's stepdad reports him for even touching her would make having to register as a sexual offender seem like kid's stuff. He could be deported or even simply disappear and nobody would know what happened to him. Of course I do not want my daughter to be having sex with an 18 year old when she is just 15, but I don't want to see this kid's life be destroyed over what teenagers will do. It's not like he is 25 and she is 15 or that he is 18 and she is just 12 or 13. The bad things that could happen to this kid over what would be consensual are incredible and my daughter would have to live with that knowledge for the rest of her life. But her stepdad is absolutely convinced that he is right and that is my concern is that he will set the wheels into motion that may destroy and alter lives for no serious reason despite what her Mom and I may want to see done. This is a dilemma without an easy or simple answer.

[Omphaloskepsis]

1. I would send the boyfriend a link to this thread.

Telling him (and your daughter) what you just wrote is about all you can do.. Good luck.

[mzteris]

2. lotsa issues here.

If I were the Mom - I'd be setting VERY FIRM controls on their interaction. No car dating. No dating anyway, IMHO - No being ALONE/unsupervised - you know? Make sure you know exactly where she is and who she is with at all times. But that's just me.

What about the boy's parents? Though I'm not sure they'd even want him dating her, period. But can they be enlised to help ensure that they don't have a chance to exercise bad judgement?

It's very difficult to "reason with" a 15 yo - or an 18 yo for that matter. Especially when hormones get involved.

Good luck.

[elocs]

4. The boy's parents are divorced.

The mother lives in Jordan and the father lives in the Chicago area and evidently he does not speak much English, so communication would be difficult.
Considering the current attitude there is in this country concerning Muslims, like I wrote, if this kid is reported he could be deported or just disappear. So there is more involved than simply teenage hormones. I have also told her Mom that the older kids get to be, the more responsible they are for their own choices and behaviors. Short of being under house arrest, there is no way to absolutely control my daughter's actions when she is away from home. This situation would not be easy under ordinary circumstances, but that this young man is a Muslim makes the potential consequences far, far worse.

[eyesroll]

3. The age of consent in Illinois is 17.

Further, most states won't prosecute when there's only a few years' difference. (Ask an IL attorney or social worker if there are "romeo and juliet" laws there -- I couldn't find anything in a cursory search.

Her stepdad sounds like an ass.

[elocs]

6. Her stepdad can be an ass.

He does not appreciate that if he initiates action on his own no matter what her Mom wants that it could really mess up their family. May daughter does have an older brother who is 17 and has a different father and is in the Army now. When her Mom talked with me this morning she was concerned about an "alpha dog" situation going on that the stepdad had with her son. Later this morning I was watching Montel and the show was about the polygamists in Utah and about their many wives and numerous children. It was said that when the boys in the family get to be teens and the other younger girls start to look at them as being cute, that the father (who rules like God) will pack the boy a bag and drive him hundreds of miles away and leave him on his own. This is done because the father wants to be the "alpha dog" and does not want any competition. I had this on as I was writing my original post and when I heard this it was like my face was slapped. I don't know what to think, but her Mom did raise the point about the "alpha dog". So this may be more complicated than it appears.

[cally]

57. This raises so many red flags

I know it's complicated, but it sounds like the stepdad has control issues. Your focus must be on your daughter and, if possible, the 17 year old boy. I would talk to your daughter very frankly. I disagree that they don't think and can't make sane choices. Let her know your concerns and what will happen to the boyfriend if it proceeds to a sexual relationship. Let her know that you won't be able to protect either one of them from the consequences even though you would try. Then, have the same conversation with the boy and send a letter to the boy's dad. He can get someone to translate it.

If you are able and willing, it would be wonderful to offer a safe haven to the 17 year old brother of your daughter. He sounds like he needs a way out from an abusive situation.

[elocs]

60. The 17 year old brother is now in Army boot camp.

He wanted out of the house. He is a smallish kid and since the stepdad was bigger he felt free to get physical and manhandle the brother. Even though he was not my son, I had problems with that. When it happened a year or so ago when Mom was gone my daughter was so frightened that she almost called the cops and that really would have caused trouble. It is not right to put a kid in a position where she does not know what to do because she is afraid of causing trouble.

[Ariana Celeste]

62. Sounds a lot like 2 of my step-dad's.

They were also alcoholics.

[Blue Diadem]

5. I agree with the above poster..let the boy know and

definitely let your daughter read what you wrote.

I understand your concern for him..as well as your daughter.

[johnnie]

7. Here is what I found concerning statutory rape in Illinois

Aggravated sexual assault for sexual penetration by an offender under age 17 with a victim under age 9.

Predatory criminal sexual assault of a child for sexual penetration by an offender age 17 or older and a victim under 13.

Criminal sexual abuse is sexual penetration with (1) an offender under age 17 and a victim between ages 9 and 17 or (2) a victim between ages 13 and 17 and an offender less than five years older.

Aggravated criminal sexual abuse is sexual penetration with a victim between age 13 and 17 by an offender at least five years older.

http://www.cga.ct.gov/2003/olrdata/jud/rpt/2003-R-0376.htm

It looks like the step-dad might be wrong. I would check that out.

As for the rest of it, I am not a parent and it wouldn't be right of me to think I would know any better. I know it must be hard being a parent at these times in the kids age. Good luck.

[elocs]

14. Thanks for the info.

Ironically, it would appear that the boyfriend turning 18 did not mean much since the age of consent in Illinois is 17. In other words, when he was 17 and she was 15 there would still legally be a problem since he would be at the age of consent and she would not. If held strictly legal this sure would seem to be a problem in high schools in Illinois.

[Deep13]

8. Tell the mother's husband to keep out of it.

He is not her father. This is an issue for you, the mother and the daughter and her boyfriend. The step-father is not her parent.

[Karenca]

12. Ditto,.........eom

[Divameow77]

15. That's not fair

we don't know the step-dad or how much he has been involved in raising her. A step-parent can still be a parent, even if he does kind of sound like an ass.

[fizzgig]

9. the best i can find with a quick google search

is that under illinois law it is considered statutory rape only if a 14 or 15 y/o engages in any sexual activity with someone more than 5 years older than them.

but i absolutely agree that you need to call a social worker or similar person in illinois to get a more definate answer

[skygazer]

10. These are such tough situations

And they're the places where these hard and fast laws don't tend to work very well. I mean, kids date in a range of ages and you almost always reach a point where one of them (usually the girl) is under age and the boy is of age.

I understand the purpose of the laws but I also think that parents should have more say in whether or not to apply them. Not that I approve of kids having rampant sex before marriage but it's stupid to act like it doesn't happen.

My daughter became pregnant as a teen and the state prosecuted her boyfriend for statutory rape and sent him to prison for 3 years. I had no say whatsoever in it - as a matter of fact, the very nasty DA spoke of prosecuting ME for child endangerment because I "allowed" them to have sex! I'd like to see him keep two determined young adults from having sex!

Now, this kid wanted to marry my daughter and take responsibility for the baby (not that I really think it was a marriage that would work - or that I'd even have approved of on those grounds), but to me it made more sense for him to take some responsibility financially than to have him locked up and either I support my daughter and child or the state do so.

Sorry, this offers no solutions to you and I'm afraid I have none. The system in place is not really based on reality as far as I'm concerned and yours is complicated by distance and the presence of the step-father. All I can offer is my best wishes....

[Ariana Celeste]

11. Very complicated.

And it sounds to me.... based on my teen years and my less than perfect relationship with my mom.... that if mom doesn't make it clear to step-dad to stay out, and step-dad does something, it could potentially ruin daughter's relationship with mom- and she is at an age where she really needs to trust that mom cares about her, and there needs to be trust between them. If I were you, I would talk to mom about the potential problems that could arise between her and daughter if she doesn't put a stop to step-dad's actions- this is not step-dad's place at all.

I could be wrong- this is just based on my experience- but despite the fact my mom and I get along now, the way she ignored my brother and I and let her boyfriends rule the household really fucked up the relationships between my mom and I, and my mom and my brother (who also was competing to be the alpha male). It took a lot of counseling before my mom was able to say to her SO, "These are MY kids, and I will raise them how I see fit."

Like you said... this won't be easy... good luck. :hug:

[elocs]

13. I have told her Mom that the stepdad needs to butt out.

He is not her father and it is not up to him to initiate action when her Mom who is there is on top of the problem as much as she can be. His job should be to simply support her decision and to back her up, but I am afraid that he is so assure of his being right and that he knows best that he will do as he pleases. Ultimately, one of my biggest concerns about a potential negative outcome to the stepdad reporting the kid is that my daughter might actually blame her Mom, who is the one who is in her corner and is trying to look out for her best interests. Once the stepdad sets the legal wheels in motion I don't see them being stopped, especially since the kid is a Muslim.

[Shakespeare]

31. Please, please, please don't do that.

I'm the stepparent of a teenage girl, and I'm constantly getting mixed messages of "I really want your input/your authority is really important" and "butt the hell out." The stepfather is in a very, very tough situation--especially if he's the primary caregiver (along with the mother). He's got a lot of responsibility--and burden--since your daughter is living there full-time. His job is MORE than to just "back her up." I agree that he shouldn't be too hasty in calling the authorities, but at least he seems to be looking out for your daughter's best interests.

[lizziegrace]

34. I agree but

when it comes down to it, all he can give is his input. The ultimate decision rests with the girl's parents.

[Shakespeare]

39. If she's living under his roof, then I disagree.

The three of them (parents and stepparent) should find a way to work together without insulting or excluding anyone. It's challenging, but not impossible.

[lizziegrace]

47. I'm living this from the other side

My ex remarried. I value his wife's input, but will decide with my daughter's father how best to handle a situation. She is not my daughter's mother and I don't expect her to behave like one.

This is sticky. There are no easy answers just as there are no absolutes in how things should be handled.

[Shakespeare]

50. Yeah, it is sticky.

And I think the stepparent's in the toughest position, because it IS such a fine line to walk. When to give input, when to stay silent--it's extraordinarily difficult, and mostly because that line moves all the time.

[lizziegrace]

51. Nothing like a moving target

:(

[wildhorses]

52. Thank you for pointing this out, Shakespeare

have fun and keep up the good fight cos its getting deep in here...

[elocs]

46. Please read what I wrote in post #6.

The stepdad is mostly concerned that he is right and that is more important than the possible affect his actions might have on the family as well as on the life of this young man. My daughter will always be my daughter and she will always be her Mom's daughter. If that marriage broke up it is unlikely that my daughter would hear from him much anymore. Since her brother went to boot camp at 17 last month he has told her Mom that he can't wait until she is gone too so they can have time together. He seems more concerned about being the Alpha Dog, and those are Mom's words.

[wildhorses]

38. I think you are being very shitty towards a man that is

in a blended family situation. I don't agree with what he says but, I do think he has a right to his opinion. This is a volatile situation on all accounts...

[Ariana Celeste]

41. He has a right to an opinion, sure

But if Mom likes the boyfriend and Mom doesn't have a problem with the relationship- that is her daughter, and the step-dad needs to respect her opinion, because ultimately, the daughter is *her* responsibility.

[elocs]

44. But you don't know everything I know, do you? n/m

[wildhorses]

45. no, I don't and with this post I am outta here

do you really want advice or are you just getting your jollies??

[elocs]

59. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that the way it came across written down.

[wildhorses]

16. okay...flame away...but, I agree with the step-father

sometimes you just have to take a black and white view of the world and I think this is a fine example of one of those incidences. There is WAY too much going on here!!

KISS=Keep It Simple Stupid

and this is one of those cases where everyone is stupid as in stupid full of raw emotion...

This MAN would stay away from my daughter PERIOD end of story end of discussion.

Do you not wonder WHY he is dating your daughter??? Sorry, but, I am very cynical and your story has red flags ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!

[prolesunited]

17. So, tell us

Why is he dating the daughter and point out the red flags.

At this age, they are probably at the same level of emotional maturity. It's not like the guy is 25 or something.

So, what is all the WAY too much and red flags ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!?

What about a senior in high school that turns 18 and is dating a classmate?

[wildhorses]

28. please see my post # 27 in this thread.

I hate it that the law puts the cut off point at 18 but, there it is...now this boy needs to understand the ramifications...

[Katina]

21. no flaming

but really, in high school, the kids range in age from 14 years old to 18 years old..and sometimes older. The majority of kids who graduate from HS are 18 at graduation, so I think you need to take a step back.

Teenagers will do as they want, regardless. The best you can do is talk to her mom, make sure that your daughter has the right birth control AND that she insists on him having condoms. In addition, she should have the vaccination that will prevent the HPV virus as soon as it becomes available.

This is a difficult situation for both you & your ex, but your daughter is of primary concern. You and her mom should be up front and honest about your feelings. Talking about sex with your teen can be really uncomfortable...for them more than you, but it is your responsibility to do it....and finally, I would make sure that your daughter knows exactly what her step father thinks.

[wildhorses]

29. I dated a 19 yo when I was 14 and a 23 yo Vietnam vet when I

was 15. No sex with either of them but, heavy petting. Back then the laws were not as strict NOW look what this boy faces. would you want this on your conscious if God forbid he DISPPEARED??

please see my post # 27 in this thread...

[Katina]

33. I saw your post and I maintain my position

as the mother of two. My son was 18 with a 15-16 year old girlfriend. My daughter was 16 with an 18 year old boyfriend. I know they were having sex in their respective relationships. I talked to my son directly about it. I told him about the consequences of her being "jail bait." He knew them AND he also used protection, as did his girlfriend. As for my daughter, I took her to the GYN for a checkup to make sure everything was OK and had her put on the pill. I also talked to her about using additional protection (condoms) to prevent STDs.
I am a realist. Short of locking your teens up, you cannot realistically forbid them from seeing anyone of doing/trying anything. The best you can do is to give your teen the facts and the tools they need to protect themselves.
IMVHO, it is important for eloc to present a united front with his ex on the relationship. They should both talk to their daughter about the pros & cons of her relationship with this boy AND the possible consequences. Finally, the stepdad should be told that his only role is to support the mom's & eloc's position.

[wildhorses]

Finally, the stepdad should be told that his only role

is to support the mom's & eloc's position.


Sorry but, that sounds like the beginnings of a divorce to me

Round here we call it throwing the old tomato.

I realize that short of locking them up there is no control however there are alternatives that would hinder their time together and I would be for looking into them...

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

23. So...

it was OK when he was seventeen, but now that he just turned eighteen he's a MAN and therefore totally inappropriate?

Doesn't that seem a bit silly to you?

[wildhorses]

30. Yes, it seems silly to me. I did not make the law but, HE is the

one who needs to understand what difference this past birthday did for him...

please see my post #27 in this thread...

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

32. But according to other posters...

it wouldn't be against the law since they're only three years apart.

[wildhorses]

40. oh, so now if you post on DU you are enacting laws??

They may wish it was not the law and they may wish to change the law but, right now the way it stands this man/boy is facing serious problems for actions that he may not be the only one fully responsible for. The law will say that at fifteen the daughter is NOT of age to give consent therefore HE as an ADULT is FULLY repsonsible and therfore RAPE...


maybe I misunderstand the law:shrug:

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

42. ?

According to them, and it sounds about right, that there needs to be a five year difference in order for it to be statuatory rape. So a fifeteen year old can have sex with an 18 year old, but not a 21 year old.

:shrug:

[wildhorses]

48. ok, fine line we are walking here....

and it is why lawyers make a living...

wonder what the boy's parents think about all of this :shrug:

and oh yeah I am outta here...

this is not fun and it is NOT my problem and it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS and evidently there is more to the story...

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

49. lawyers?

Well, it's either legal or it isn't. It's not like a civil case.

But your original argument was that it's illegal. If it turns out it's not illegal, what's your argument?

[wildhorses]

53. god forbid that lawyers ever get involved in this situation

for ALL concerned but, is anybody really SURE what the law is in this paticular "case"? IF its legal then why is the stepfather of his position?

god...grant me the strength to stay outta this thread...

DO NOT CLICK ON THIS THREAD!!! WILDHORSES so sayeth GOD

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

54. I'm really not sure what you're getting at.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that it's legal.

What should the persons involved do?

[wildhorses]

56. do you really care what I think?? but, if it is legal then why is the

step-father so upset? There is more going on here that elocs is NOT telling us...

have you read this whole thread?

please, pm me if you want to continue this discussion with me cos I swear I am outta here!!

this is NOT why I come to the Lounge...

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

58. Well, wildhorses...

There's the argument that teenagers should have sex because it's illegal.

And then there's the argument that teenagers shouldn't have sex because it's immoral.

Why so defensive?

[wildhorses]

61. you really think that is ALL that is going on in this thread?

frankly...I am an anarchist...so that is what I think about the law

as for morals I have mine but, everyone is entitled to have theirs, too

and sorry I really don't know why this thread is getting under my skin.

I guess because I can see everyone's side and am trying to think of a solution that everyone can agree on.

why should I care??

[elocs]

64. Thanks for posting.

Even if I do not agree with what you say or others you did care enough to post and I asked for opinions. I knew I might not agree with all of what was written, but I also knew there was no way that everybody could know the entire story. Also, you are reading my opinion and my point of view. I am not saying that the stepdad is wrong in his opinion, my assertion is that he should not jump ahead of us and start the wheels turning on something he cannot stop because that is how the government works.

[wildhorses]

66. I agree with you that the stepfather should hold his horses

I wonder what the boy's father thinks of all this?

I wonder if the boy's father is aware of the law in your area?

I wonder if your wife's marriage is in jeopardy?

I wonder if anyone can understand the fact that kids are kids but, your spouse is your spouse.
Your kids are supposed to Leave the nest,,,however a marriage is THE nest?

there are too many unknown variables in this equation for anyone to really give an intelligent comment...

I wish the best for ALL concerned

and that also means the boy's mother....

[MissMillie]

18. It's going to be terribly difficult for you to control any of this

it would be even if you were living nearby.

This is my suggestion.

1) Make sure the kids KNOW that this is how the stepdad feels. They may even want to take a very simple precaution, namely, making sure they are NEVER alone. (Quite frankly, a 15 year old girl has no business being alone with anyone who might remotely be considered a romantic interest, but that's just my two cents.)

2) Make sure that young man KNOWS that he could be deported should there be even a hint of impropriety. If he really cares about your daughter, and wants to stick around, he will not be defensive about such a discussion.

[idgiehkt]

22. wow.

"Quite frankly, a 15 year old girl has no business being alone with anyone who might remotely be considered a romantic interest, but that's just my two cents."

Boy, I was. I was alone with my boyfriend a fair amount then. We actually lost our virginity at sixteen. I think if the kids want to be alone together they will find a way, even if it means things like lying and cutting class, etc.

I don't know if these kinds are old enough to comprehend the consequences of what may happen if they consumate their relationship. I think it needs to be assumed that this is the case and they need to be protected as much as possible. I think the human brain is probably hard-wired to have the urge to copulate override all logic and reason, especially at that young an age. If this were not true, the human race probably would have died out along time ago. It sounds like these kids need all the help they can get. At the same time it sounds like the step-dad may not really understand that laws about statutory rape vary greatly from state to state and also as to the situation. Alot of times the age difference between the two is taken into account, sometimes it has to be around 5 years difference. Someone needs to check out the laws and find out what the truth is before giving the stepdad all this power.

It may be a blessing that this kid is muslim in that he may have been raised with tighter views on sexual activity. I'd hate to see his life ruined over this. Of course any damage done to him at this point will permanently affect the relationship of the daughter to the mother and step-dad. The mother needs to dial this guy back, and how, before he drives a wedge between her and her daugther.

[MissMillie]

24. I guess... "wow" but hear me out

If they really want to spend time together because they enjoy each other's company, then they can go on "group" dates with out couples, and when he comes to visit at her home, they can stay in an open area of the house where other people are also present.

They still get to spend time together and no one will question what they're doing because whatever they're doing, they'll be right out for all to see.

I'm one of those rare individuals who waited until I was 18 to have sex. I can't say the same about my son, and yes, he has a younger girlfriend and it drives me nuts. I'm more concerned about it than the girl's mom is. (I have asked her time and time again not to let her daughter come to my house unless the mother has actually spoken with me, but still I come home from work and find her there.)

I'd hate to see this kid's life ruined too, but it may not be anything you can control. Certainly, this kid has some control over the situation. He can absolutely refuse to be w/ your daughter unless someone else is present. That is his best protection.

[wildhorses]

27. I think MissMillie has stated some of what I am trying to say.

Every one has RIGHTS in this story and trying to protect everyone is my main concern. Sorry, he does not win points with me for talking about not having sex until she is 18. Bullshit!! I don't believe him or any other 18 yo. I did not make the lwas but, the fact is that at age 18 he is considered a MAN ....sorry but, facts are facts.

I do know that where there is a will there is a way.

I would try to make it so that my daughter no longer had the time nor the inclination to date this paticular 18 yo man/boy.

I wish everyone concerned the best in this all to sticky situation.

[prolesunited]

19. Questions

At what age do you think is right for your daughter to have sex? What age were you the first time (and all the other moralizing posters, for that matter)?

Do you think the fact that the teen is Muslim enter into the stepdad's reaction? How does he, your ex, you feel about that?

[nini]

20. would he feel the same if the boy was 16?

Is it that she might be sexually active or that the guy is older? If it's just the sexual activity, he may be able break them up but she may find someone her age she feels the same about.

In other words - is he going to throw every boy in jail she may lose control with?

It sucks to think our kids are sexually active before we think they're ready, but it makes more sense to realize they are human and will do these things. The best all of you can do is educate her about being safe if she does.

Throwing every guy in jail is not really the answer - she needs to learn how to control things and be responsible if she chooses to take the step.

Good luck

[bleedingheart]

25. who will take care of the grandchild?

that is the way I look at it...

everyone talks a great talk but there is reality....

The fire and passion of youth and the desire of "forbidden" fruit typically wins.

Young man goes to jail for statutory and possibly deported.

Young girl may end up preggers and then....who takes care of that baby...

I say....he needs to stay away and find someone his own age to date...if it is true love then a few years of separation won't mean a thing at this age...

[pitohui]

26. clearly your daughter has got to quit the boy

it's impossible to be boyfriend and girlfriend at that age without even touching, that might work if they were 86 and 97 -- not w. teen-agers, and in theory, at least in some states, even feeling a boob is a sex crime if the girl is under-age (in my state it is, i see upthread it's unclear whether this is true in your state -- find out you need to know exactly how much harm this busybody stepdad can do)

since the step-father is determined to destroy the boy's life if they have any "improper touching," i don't see what option she has but to quit the boy, if she loves him, she cannot put him in such peril by dating him or even being alone with him

it stinks that our society gives jealous dads/step-dads such power to blight young lives but unfortunately our society is what it is

[wildhorses]

55. good luck getting anyone to understand what you are trying to

say here but, thanks for saying it!!:hi:

[elocs]

35. My daughter and her boyfriend met in high school.

Since the age of consent in Illinois is 17, then a guy who is a senior and is 17 would risk a statutory rape charge if he dated a girl who was a junior and 16 because that is the law and she would be unable to give consent at 16. My daughter and her boyfriend met in high school. She is 5'10" and in no way looks or acts like she is 15, so emotionally and maturity wise they are much closer in age than their actual calendar age. They do not date like older kids might but are either at her home or at youth group functions. Her Mom likes this guy and says he is very respectful. The stepdad is not prejudiced as far as I know about the kid being a Muslim, but he is always sure that what he thinks and decides is absolutely right. He said he would report the kid if he even touched my daughter, which could be simply holding hands. The point is that is not his decision to make since Mom is actively involved. The stepdad needs to back up Mom because if he steps out on his own there is a very real risk that he will fracture his family needlessly.

I talked with my daughter today after school and explained everything carefully and what the possible ramifications and consequences might be and she said she understood. The older kids get, the more responsible they are for their own choices and decisions. My daughter is not going to be kept under house arrest and so she must be trusted to make the right decisions. This is a Romeo and Juliet relationship in that there is nothing forced or coerced about it. My daughter's Mom likes this kid and I trust her decision. With teenagers you always run a risk when you try and keep to young people apart that in reality you will draw them closer. I want my daughter to delay having sex for as long as she can, but we all know there are lots of opportunities no matter how careful a parent may be. She has had and will continue to have the proper parameters on her dating situation and there is no reason to mess up her life or the young man's life just so her stepdad can prove he is right and can cause it to be done because he might find his actions to have unintended consequences.

[Katina]

37. you did the right thing

talking to your daughter and being up front & honest. I strongly suggest you talk to her mom about birth control and protection.

[wildhorses]

43. elocs, let me MAKE sure I understand you...

are you saying step parents have NO rights??

[grasswire]

36. what are the long-term intentions?

The poster who asked about the raising of any baby brings up an important point. Is this boy a U.S. citizen? Babies born to American women and Middle Eastern men sometimes disappear overseas and the women have an extremely difficult time trying to maintain rights to the child.

Do they intent to marry some day? Have children? Is non-U.S. citizenship involved?

That's one concern.

Here's another: it almost sounds to me as if the step-father either has an issue with the ethnicity or religion of the boy OR as if he has some sort of latent interest in the daughter himself.

I know that's a terrible assertion to make. And I hope to God neither of those are the case. But from a distance, those concerns do pop up in my mind.

[elocs]

63. There may be no long term intentions.

You know how teenagers are. This thing may fizzle out on its own in a few months. But if an effort is made to push two kids apart who have otherwise been well-behaved the result might be to push them closer together. After all, he is not 25 and she 15, nor is he 18 and she 13. Last year they were both in the same high school. Her Mom is going to have a private talk with the young man and will talk with his father if necessary.

[Blue Diadem]

67. I think you've handled it well

and it sounds like your daughter's Mom will be handling it well too.

My youngest son and his soon to be wife were in your daughter's & her boyfriend's shoes..some 9 years ago. Sometimes young love relationships do last and kids don't always end up making mistakes just because they're young. I think the important thing is to talk to them frankly and openly.

[Fleshdancer]

65. I dated an 18yr old from Spain when I was 15

The situation is oddly similar given the age and the fact that my boyfriend was from a different country. I didn't have sex with him until we were dating for about a year (I was 16) and it was a beautiful experience. There is no doubt in my mind that he loved me and respected me and he certainly didn't pressure me into anything. It was the best way to lose my virginity and I if I had to go back, I wouldn't change a thing. Then again, I didn't have a stepfather who threatened to scream rape and I didn't have to worry about my first love getting arrested and deported.

But back to your situation. The boyfriend has stated that he will not have sex with his girlfriend, her stepfather has already decided the consequences, mom already suspects the embers are burning but has anyone actually talked to the daughter about this? So many people are making decisions and assumptions about her sexuality and it would be a short sighted if no one included her in these conversations.

My advice: If you want her to make smart, adult decisions then everyone has to treat her like an adult. She's at that weird stage where she's not exactly a kid but she still needs help putting things in perspective. Talk to her.

[elocs]

68. I spoke to my daughter specifically about the sex aspect this afternoon.

This is a case where distance is an advantage since I am not so closely involved and have always been honest with my daughter she listens to me. At least I hope she does. I told her Mom that when she talks to the young man to not only emphasize the possible negative consequences to him that would be more severe than another kid from this country, but also to remind him that he gave his word and that it is a point of honor for him to keep it. The boys lives with his father who as I understand it does not speak much English and his mother is still in Jordan. This could be worse in a way from the sex aspect inasmuch as my daughter could be dating a boy who is her own age and whose goal is to have sex with her and nobody would think as much of it since he would be a nice American boy her own age.