My next Poem for the Creative Writing Class I am taking....

[WCGreen]

Your pillow is nothing
but piles and piles
of dust mite
shit

He sneared down
at baby sister sitting
looking at him with
innocent indifference
pillow in hand
sucking thumb
wisps of linen fine
auburn hair atop
pony tail like
flopping
with each pucker

You were adopted
he added
just because

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I like it!

Is this perhaps autobiographical?

And there's one word that you might want to correct........sneared is really sneered.......

The feeling of chilhood jealousy is well captured here!

:hi:

[WCGreen]

10. No, it's not autobigraphical...

WE had no idea what dust mites were back then...

[idgiehkt]

2. I really like this:

sucking thumb
wisps of linen fine
auburn hair atop
pony tail like
flopping
with each pucker

I can see it. It's like a twisted version of Peanuts, did you really treat your sister this way?

[WCGreen]

8. No, my brother did...

[Bucky]

3. I'm curious about the removal of the word "the" from modern poetry

It often seems to throw off the natural rhythm of the language and, for me anyway, draw attention away from the imagery.

I do feel that moment, but the phrase "dust mite shit" seems a little too flip for the rest of the poem's mood.

[Redstone]

6. I agree with your assessment.

Redstone

[WCGreen]

9. It was part of the assignment...

Write poem with out punctuation....

[Evergreen Emerald]

4. very nice

[Redstone]

5. Ah, my friend? May I point out that the word is "sneered," not

"sneared?"

Just trying to be helpful.

Redstone

[WCGreen]

7. Yes....

I stand corrected....

[LiberalHeart]

11. Advice from a creative writing professor...

Years ago I wrote poetry with lines about as long as yours. My professor insisted that I write longer lines because I would then see my work improve. He was right.

When you have an hour or so with nothing else to do, maybe you'd enjoy giving it a try.

[miss_american_pie]

12. I like it

:thumbsup: