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First will be Repo This House! People LOVE to revel in the misery of others, and the spectacle of families being thrown out into the street will draw at least nine or ten share--more than Faux News! The host will dress like Ebenezer Scrooge and read the foreclosure notice to the family in a faux-Dickensian voice. Then a gang of hired thugs will come in to remove all the family's belongings. You'll have crying wives. Despondent husbands. Screaming children. Aquariums being literally thrown out the upstairs window, with the water still in them, to explode on the front walkway. (And yes, this will be on one of Rupert Murdoch's stations.)
Next, we'll be treated to a stream of "how to turn around a repo" shows, where the witty repartee will focus on talking shit about the poor fuckers who couldn't afford to maintain their homes in the year before they were thrown out into the streets. You'll learn about the very cheapest ways to make a house LOOK presentable. "They sell flat white wall paint at Big Lots for $5.99 per gallon. Get about ten gallons of it because it doesn't cover for shit, and put three coats on every wall in the house. Then make sure not to touch it because it comes right off if you try to scrub it."
There will also be The Adventures of Special Financing Agent, the superhero who puts good people caught up in a bad man's mistakes into homes. This loan arranger will come to work at the bank every day dressed in a cape and tights and write 50-year mortgages to put the people who were depicted in Repo This House! back into the houses they were kicked out of.
After America has said "enough!" we will be treated to the ultimate four-hour reality show: Repo This White House! The host of Repo This House! will, the day after Bush loses his impeachment trial, bring his gang of hired thugs to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to remove the squatter who's living there. You'll hear bons mots like a thug holding up Pickles' favorite pantsuit and asking, "how many couches had to die to make this?" They'll bring the people from What Not To Wear with them to ridicule George's favorite presidential-seal cowboy boots. "Geeze, George, I count thirty-two pair. You're not SUPPOSED to just wear them until they quit being shiny then throw them in the back of the closet and buy new. That's what Kiwi is for!" They'll dig through Pickles' makeup case. Holding up a lipstick..."did you get this from your mom?" They'll open a closet, where a big pile of drapery scraps will be lumped on the floor. "So now we know where all your formal gowns come from!" It will be the most-watched television show in history!
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