Is anyone taking care of an elderly parent?

[martymar64]

I need a little advice. My sister has been watching out for my mother who is 70 and learning disabled. My mom is healthy and somewhat independent but needs someone to look out for her finances and keep her engaged. My sister has been doing this since our stepdad passed away last year but knows that she can't do it forever. My sis has her own health issues to deal with. We were talking last night and she wants me to move back up to the NW and eventually (within this next year) have my mom move in with me. I've always been the nomadic one in the family and have never really taken much responsibility in family matters, but I think it's time I did. I'm a little nervous about this and could use any advice and/or moral support that you have out there.

[LaurenG]

1. Taking care of others is a big responsibility

but I have been contemplating the same and discussing it with my mother. She came for an extended visit and a trial run last year and we did well. The only thing I noticed is that I had to watch the frustration level as I need quite a bit of quiet time and my mom needs minimal quiet around her.

IMHO, there are no right or wrong answers here, you just have to go with your heart and logic and do what feels right to you.

[martymar64]

3. Thanks

My heart is telling me to go back up north and help her out. My mom is very sweet and I love her very much. I've avoided having to deal with this because my sister stepped up to the plate after my stepdad died. I've had a measure of guilt since then, expecially when I moved so far away to Texas. Fortunately, she's set financially so she won't be a burden in that respect. I've never really felt needed before, and when my sister said she needed me, I felt it's time that I must do this. I have some loose ends to tie up here but I'll be going up really soon. My first task will be getting myself resituated in Seattle, getting a place to live and a job.

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. I take care of my elderly grandmother.

It's very sad, because she is still quite vital, just doesn't believe the doctor when he tells her that she is healthy. The only thing I can say is that remember your mom took care of you as a child and now you're giving back a bit. :hug: It will be tough, but you will receive the gift of some wonderful memories...that will make it worth it. Best of luck!

[martymar64]

4. I see your point

However, my mom is mentally slow, has been since birth. My sister was the one to take care of me growing up and my dad was an alcoholic so it was a chaotic household back then. She is healthy but still needs someone to be around. I have some good memories with her and want to make her last years nice and have some more good memories to come. Thanks for the moral support, I know I'll need it.

[Crazy Dave]

5. My wife and I take care of my mom

She's still healthy and active. Mainly she has been widowed twice and didn't want to re-marry or live the rest of her life alone. I was fortunate to have a large piece of property and was good friends with a builder and we built mom a small house for the same price as a luxury car. She was with us for about a total of five months in our house, before and during the building process. I pay pretty much all of the bills for her as she gives all her retirement money to my younger brother who is an expert at getting her to feel sorry for him and looking for excuses not to work.

Example:

Brother: Mom, I need a new car to look for a job.
Mom: Okay, pick one out and I'll make the payments for you.
Brother: Goes out and gets a Lexus SUV

I say, Oh mother and @#!/* brother :banghead:

[martymar64]

6. Thanks Dave!

I will have to get an apartment for both of us and her cat, but I won't mind living with her. She's very sweet, but naive and childlike. I will have to take on managing her money so she won't fall prey to swindlers that are out there. She will believe pretty much anything that someone tells her. I've never been that responsible myself, but it's high time I grew up and took responsibility.

[Crazy Dave]

7. Good morning and thank you martymar64...

...for being a good son for your mom too. The money issue is very important. I'm thinking we're pretty close in age and that our parents were in the Ward and June Cleaver generation where the wife wasn't allowed to look at the check book, was given an allowance every week to buy groceries and to run the house. That's just the way it was back then and my step-dad was even more old school than my dad. Mom never had her own checking account until about seven years ago and since that time has even been a victim of ID theft.

[hippywife]

8. I work with the elderly and

have contact with their families. I also helped take care of my grandparents for about 10 years. Even tho they are sweet and you love them dearly, too much togetherness can be a bad thing for you both. It can lead to major burn-out and guilt/hurt feelings on both parts.

Make sure that you get an occassional respite. Take time to do things just for you and by yourself with or without friends. In other words, arrange time to have some fun and a break from your responsibilities.

There are retirement centers (not nursing homes) that offer respite care. They have a room or rooms they set aside for this purpose. Respite care offers a place for your mom to stay just like a hotel but for one daily price includes her meals, monitoring and medication distribution by a nursing staff, and inclusion/encouragement to join in activities with the permanent residents.

Check the places in your area offering respite stays and compare what they offer. If you find a really good one, it's a great way to get away for a weekend or a week while making sure that mom is cared for and enjoying socializing with others her age, which is important.

Also look into adult day centers or senior centers where she can spend afternoons playing cards, doing crafts, learning new things, etc. which will also allow her interaction with her senior peers.

Hope that helps! :hi:

[xchrom]

9. my father is dying -- and now it's my full time job

to care for him.

and my mother --

he is 95{on oct 4} and she is 96.

while she is perfectly healthy -- he is unable to walk, feed him self, or any thing else.

i don't think he'll make it til christmas -- but who knows.

i do have hospice -- so an hour a day i have an aide and twice a week a visit from a nurse.

[zanne]

16. I empathize with you, xchrom

Caring for a loved one in a hospice situation takes a special kind of person. I went through it with my mom, who died last spring. I know that it's got to be taking everything you've got to get through each day. Please know that my thoughts are with you and feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[xchrom]

17. thank you zanne.

that was very sweet.

[Arugula Latte]

10. I'd say listen to your gut ...

because I'd imagine you'd regret it if you didn't go help. However, that is easier said than done. My dad died a few years ago. My mother is healthy and vital in her mid-70s, but I'm well aware things can change rapidly. My sister lives near her, but I worry that it would be unfair for her to take on all of the care if that becomes necessary. On the other hand, my life is here now ... Moving, etc., would be incredibly hard for me and my family. I hope I don't have to make that choice.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

11. I have been taking care of my Mom...

essentially by myself for 20+ years now. She has no siblings/cousins, and my dad has been out of the picture since I was 2. I have one sister who we have not seen in 20 years and another sister who has lived on the other side of the country for 30. I am the youngest daughter, so I was the one left with the responsibility. Taking care of her hasn't been too hard for most of that time, but she is now 73 and the past five years have been one health crisis after another, requiring great amounts of time away from work. I am also becoming more and more responsible for the upkeep of her home.

A few years ago, after my Mom's 4th surgery in 2 years, I called my sister and told her it was time she stepped up to the plate and helped out, that I could no longer do this by myself. I am dealing with my own health issues that has made it more difficult to handle the stress of doing it all. Thankfully, she heard me and, even though she lives in Texas, has helped out considerably when Mom has had problems. I still do 75% of what needs doing, but having someone to step in when things get to be too much helps me handle the 75% better.

I cannot say this enough: Help your sister out.

If you two can manage caring for your Mom as a tag team, it will become easier for you both in the long run. I would sit down with her and work out a plan that creates a balanced responsibility for your Mom's care. No one can or should do it all by themselves, or burn out is inevitable.

Taking care of a parent, especially one who has physical or mental issues, is not easy -- it can be emotionally and physically draining. Caring for yourself during that time is paramount. Do whatever you need to to get the help and support you need -- make sure you have fun, friends, and quiet time to recharge.

Kudos on stepping up to the plate to help your sister and Mom.

[noonwitch]

12. My mom will go to a home if she's ever unable to care for herself

She told us to put her in one when the day comes, not to burden ourselves with her care. Of course, my mom is borderline and a martyr, so she really means the exact opposite of what she said, and wants us to take care of her.

I always tell my sister before Mom comes to visit, "If she gets out of hand, there's 3 words for her-Henry Ford Village".

I would take my dad in if necessary, though, and my grandpa, too.

[reyd reid reed]

13. I took care of my grandmother for six years

when it became apparent it was that or a nursing home. It's not easy...it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done (she had dementia) but, in the end, I'm glad that I did. It's given me a peace of mind and the assurance that there isn't much that I can't handle.

It takes strength. It takes patience. It takes love. And it's worth it.

Good luck.

:hug:

[Samurai_Writer]

14. Have you thought about home health care?

If your mother has medical insurance, many policies will pay for home health care. It's not just related to giving her medical treatment -- private caregivers will do housework, drive her to appointments, run errands for her, and keep her company. I am a caregiver and many of my patients are elderly. It's a great help to the children of these patients because it gives them a break from being the sole caregiver. You might want to look into it. Good luck!

[martymar64]

15. Thank you everyone for the support and advice

I've just gone back to work as of today and now I can start saving up my money to move back to the NW. It's been difficult emotionally for me to finally grow up at 42, but I've committed to go help and I won't back out. I owe so much to my sister for basically raising me as a child when she was merely one herself. The revelation of this has changed my whole perespective on her and my family as a whole. I now just want to make my mom's remaining years on this planet happy. I appreciate all of the moral support everyone here has given me. I'll keep you all posted as things develop.