What's your second favorite Onion headline?

[wickerwoman]

The first one being, obviously:
"Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Over" after Bush's selection.

Mine is:
"America Asks for One Week Break to Get It's Shit Together"

[_testify_]

1. Drugs win Drug War.

And the opinion piece titled, "You're going to LOVE my balls!"

[ChickMagic]

2. This is my first one

Holy Fucking Shit! I think that's the first time I laughed after 9/11.

[MountainLaurel]

5. Same here

And as someone who watched the smoke rise from the Pentagon that day from the roof of my office building, I can tell you that phrase was heard frequently on 9/11.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

3. Holy Fucking Shit! Man Walks On Fucking Moon!

Which is, of course, what the real headlines should have read July 21, 1969.

[mduffy31]

8. Damn you beat me too it

Another one is from one of the columns entitled: Where the Fuck is Dian with my Fair Trade Coffee? It goes and makes fun of libs, which I loved because it was so true of a lot of libs.

[bif]

4. Clinton to introduce vowels to Bosnia!

[dolo amber]

6. "Special Olympics T-Ball Tee Throws Perfect Game"

:rofl:

[Zavulon]

39. As long as crude humor is acceptable, my favorite was

the one about the kids in Africa enjoying their "World Champion Seattle Seahawks" t-shirts after this last Super Bowl, but I wouldn't have posted it unless you had posted yours. Both are cruel humor, but I think both are very funny.

[MorningGlow]

7. "God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule

Also from the brilliant Sept. 11 issue.

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

[Tyler Durden]

9. OH THANK YOU!

That one is my #1.

[MorningGlow]

13. You're welcome!

I never forgot that one--I remember laughing and crying at the same time while I was reading it.

Tough to find, though--I love the Onion but their search is for shit--I tried to find it on their site using the keywords "God" and "kill" and nothing came up. Had to use Google. But I'm glad it finally came up.

[Sugar Smack]

10. "Somebody Should do something about all the Problems"

http://journals.democraticunderground.com/Sugar%20Smack/157

:rofl:

[jane_pippin]

11. "Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic 'Wad Accord'"

:rofl:

[meegbear]

12. ...

"Allen Funt Let President Kennedy In On Hilarious 'Cuban Missile Crisis' Prank"

[Shakespeare]

14. National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue

My favorite Onion story EVER:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29205

[MrCoffee]

20. I've been looking for this damn story for a month now. THANKS!!!

[Shakespeare]

35. You're welcome!

But don't thank me, thank google. :7

[Phillycat]

37. This is absolutely brilliant.

I am dying over here.

<i>"The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we've got to get on up, and stay on the scene, like a sex machine," said Brick House Majority Leader James Brown (G-GA), one of getting on up's most vocal supporters. "Say it loud: Only when we have gotten up offa that thing will we, as a nation, finally get back on the good foot."</i> :rofl:

[RedStateShame]

15. All Y'All Urged to Go Fuck Yo'Selves

That is followed by "Merle Haggard Haggard."

[Rob H.]

16. Don't Run Away, I'm Not the Flesh Eating Kind of Zombie

By Solomon Grocks, Non-Flesh-Eating Zombie

Excerpt:

Please, please come back. I just want to, I don't know, have tea or something. I couldn't actually drink it, because it'd run down the sides of my mandible as soon as I poured it into my mouth, but it'd be so nice just to clumsily paw at the cup with my skeletal hands. We could maybe play basketball, as long as you didn't pass me the ball too fast, causing my ribcage to collapse into dust and spilling my rotting entrails onto the ground in front of me.

Or we could just sit somewhere and talk. We don't even have to sit all that close to each other, okay? If it'd make you more comfortable, I could sit a good distance away and just glare at you with my piercing, lidless eyes.

How can I go on, walking the moonlit countryside every night, endlessly searching for that which I can never have? How can I accept this piteous, eternal fate when no one, no matter how nice I act, will be my friend?

The tortures of the damned!

My all-time favorite is Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon. Some of the 'sidebar' headlines are hilarious, too.

"Trophy Wife Mounted"

"Worthless Dog Can't Talk, Drive, Solve Crimes"

"Ramen Master Defeated By New Kung-Pao Style"

"Backstreet Boys Become Backstreet Men In Backstreet Ritual"

"Cheap Garbage Disposal Can't Handle Femur"

[Deep13]

17. "Free-thinking Cat Shits Outside the Box."

Surgeon General Reports: Americans Have Gigantic Fat Asses.

KFC Robbed at Spork-Point.

[Patiod]

32. Cat General Declares War on String Unwinnable

Another cat favorite!

[AngryAmish]

18. Why Do These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

[Deep13]

19. Area Man Has Amazing Ass

[northzax]

21. Christ kills two, injures seven in abortion clinic attack

Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack

November 25, 1998 | Issue 34•17

HUNTSVILLE, AL–Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic Tuesday.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28817

or, of course, the classic "World's largest metaphos hits iceberg, sinks"

[electricmonk]

22. Rain at Woodstock Results in Slightly Dirtier Hippies

Or "God Kills Oral Roberts for Fundraising Shortfall"

Really too many to chose from.

[Lautremont]

23. "Pier 1 Issues Formal Apology For Rattan Death March"

That cracks me up every time.

[Nye Bevan]

24. Smithsonian Institute Respectfully Declines Sofa from "Charles in Charge"

[Saphire]

25. Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self

[Saphire]

26. Funyuns still outselling Responsibilityuns.

[MrCoffee]

27. Spaghetti-Os Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28022

[Dukkha]

28. "Jerry Falwell: Is that guy a dick or what?"

that says it all

[myrna minx]

29. From News in Brief: William Kristol Orders Two Whoppers Jr.

:rofl:

This one isn't hilarious for the headline, but it cracks me up.

Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation With Common-Law Wife

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27996

[Deep13]

30. Bush To Clean National Parks by Removing Oil.

[Patiod]

31. Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her

From which my SO and I have actually extracted one of our core principals of existence....

The article discusses someone who has a neighbor come in and feed & water her cats while she's gone, she asks the neighbor to "socialize" with them. Neighbor says "I gave them Friskies and checked their water dish, but didn't hang out with them. And did the cats give a sh#t? No, they did not. Why? Because they're cats."

Shortly afterwards, we were at a party, and in walks an atrocious person that we can't stand, who starts bellowing drunkenly. SO looks at me and said "and do the cats give a sh#t?" and I said, without hesitating: "no, they do not" and he said "why?" and I said "because they're cats".

"Because they're cats" has become our own little personal zen pathway to enlightenment and to Not Flipping Out When Someone Does Something Characteristic and Expected and Intrinsic to their Very Being, However Appalling.

Sorry for the digression.....

[Deep13]

33. You plus me plus baby minus me makes two.

[Deep13]

34. Bush still getting Clinton's mail.

[Deep13]

36. hamster thrown from remote controlled truck

[Trigger Hippie]

38. My Fave:

Clinton Feels Nation's Pain, Breasts

:rofl:

[swag]

40. "Area Bassist Fellated"

[asthmaticeog]

41. Ah! That's a big fave of mine, too.

No one rocked like the Dead Taybacks.

[Deep13]

42. Clinton signs Americans with no abilities act.

[av8rdave]

43. Bill Gates to patent 0s, 1s

[gizmonic]

44. "Woman unsure what to do, bakes flag cake"

Also "Jerry Falwell. Is this guy a dick or what?"

Just a couple of my favorites