Who could use a laugh right now?

[BikeWriter]

I've been down so long it looks like up to me. #### depression! #### PTSD! I'll post some favorite jokes. Who will help?


This joke is one of my all time favorites.
A crusty old U.S. Army Sargeant found himself at a gala
event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies
in attendance, one of whom approached the Sargeant for
conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sir, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Are you this way all the time, or is something
bothering you?"

"No," the Sargeant said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and
said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sargeant's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a little-- relax and
enjoy yourself."

The Sargeant just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had
sex?"

The Sargeant looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, that's the hang-up-- you need to chill out
and quit taking everything so seriously. I mean, no sex
since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sargeant, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130
now."

[BikeWriter]

1. Could we post over 1,000 funny jokes in one thread? I say "Hell, yeah!"

Muldoon was drunk as Cooter Brown again. He was face down on his favorite bar when he awoke to see a nun walking through, It was Sister Mary Kathryn, a wee elderly nun from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception.
She’d been in the lounge to pick up a donation for an orphanage from the manager. Muldoon jumps up, he slams the little old nun against the wall and when she falls unconscious to the floor he stomps her unmercifully!
Muldoon stands up tall and proud and he says to the nun, “You’re not so effin’ tough now, are you, Batman?”

[Bunny]

2. Hee hee!

That's a good one. So, you've been feeling down? You've had a rough year, and the last few days here have been pretty rugged too. Here's a hug :hug: and thanks for the joke. I'd post one myself, but it's 0521, and I'm not quite awake yet! :hi:

[BikeWriter]

4. Thank you. Look one up later and post it. Here's another:

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

[BikeWriter]

3. I challenge you, Lounge Lizards! :-)

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else."

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"

[wildhorses]

5. never have been able to resist a GOOD challenge:

There is the Pope, a 10 year old boy, George Bush, an accountant and a
lawyer on a plane and only 4 parachutes on board when all of a sudden
the engins die and the plane starts to go down. The accountant says, "the
world runs around money so I have to live" He jumps out of the plane. The
lawyer stands up next and says" The world needs law and order so I must
live as well" He jumps out of the plane. George Bush stands up and says"
I’m the president of the USA and the most important person in the world, I
can’t die" He jumps out of the plane as well. The Pope says to the little
boy, " You take the last parachute and live I’ve done my job in this world."
The little bay responds and says" Acually there are two parachutes left
George Bush just grabbed my school bag.

[BikeWriter]

7. AHA! There are some rghteous DUers! Here's another: :-)

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged.

Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

[hfojvt]

95. Where's the pilot? Isn't there a pilot?

Or is Bush flying the plane?

The version I heard about 20 years ago had the Queen of England, the Pope, Henry Kissinger, and a hippie. The pilot takes the first chute and then the Queen before Kissinger declares that he must live because he is the smartest man in the world. As the Pope tries to convince the hippie to stay on the plane, the hippie says "It's cool man, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

Sorry, I'm just a little uptight since I have not even come close to sex since 1962. I don't get this whole military time thing either, but Omega Minimo says "there's no Thomas Kinkade joke funnier than Thomas Kinkade"
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=364&topic_id=2240655&mesg_id=2240936

I could also quote from "Men who hate women and the women who hate them: the masochistic art of dating" which defines "contradict" as "to assist one's spouse or date in the telling of a story or joke."

[BikeWriter]

102. Live Life Like a Dog

IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER You would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

[BikeWriter]

C'mon, D Uers, K&R the thread. The other groups could use a laugh!

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '05!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '63."

[BikeWriter]

19. Super Market

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind remembers back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife, "Christ!" he says, "Are you that stripper at my bachelor party I (censored) on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and (censored) with cucumbers?"
"No" she coldly replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"

[Heidi]

6. My favorite:

(You've heard this one before, BikeWriter. :* )


What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do?

He lays awake at night wondering if there's really a
dog.

[BikeWriter]

8. Thanks, HeidiDear! That one's a classic! Here's another!

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

[Kutjara]

23. That's like the dyslexic diabolist...

...who mistakenly sold his soul to Santa.

[Heidi]

33. .

:spray: :rofl:

:yourock:

[BikeWriter]

75. I have to post this old classic.

A string went into a bar & asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Don't you see that sign? We don't serve strings in here."

The string went into a second bar & asked for a beer. He got the same response from the bartender & was thrown out of this bar.

The string proceeded to unravel the top part of his head until it was all fuzzy. The string then went into a third bar. The bartender said, "Aren't you a string?"

The string said, "I'm afraid not."

[hfojvt]

96. a theologian was arguing with a philosopher

He said "a philosopher is like a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat that isn't there" and the philosopher retorts "Ah, but the theologian claims to have found it."

[BikeWriter]

103. A man was leaving a 7-1...

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."

[wildhorses]

9. here, have another:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna
re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been
screwed for the previous four years. Cognitive characteristics of
individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders,
delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive
dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced
xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for your own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive
disease, which originated only a few years ago from a bush found in
Texas, has spread throughout the country.

[BikeWriter]

11. There ya go, good one! Adopted

Here's another favorite I ran across. I edit it slightly to the way I prefer it.
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along it to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along it, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these pathetic proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told Junior he was adopted?"

[BikeWriter]

10. Here's another... A word of inspiration...

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "A**hole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[wildhorses]

13. how do you catch a unique rabbit?

unique up on it:P

[BikeWriter]

15. Oh, yeah! That's a favorite! Here's another:

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention . . . the assembly line for the automobile . . . changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven that you want."
Ford thinks a minute, then says, "I want to hang out with God himself."
So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, " you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous -
- Just to name a few"
"Hmmmm. . ." replies God. "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

In no time, the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, " It may be that my invention is flawed.
But according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[VeggieTart]

114. how do you catch a tame rabbit?

the tame way!

[BikeWriter]

12. Only 9,000 + to go, here's another...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into hisoffice alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly; make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
... She replied; "He said you're going to die..."

[BikeWriter]

14. Grampa's getting married!

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told
him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why,
you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the
way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very
active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still
goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week
during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather
when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60
years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is
your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and
surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the
patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is
getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years, why on earth would your grandfather
want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted
to?"

[BikeWriter]

16. This is one of my favorites.

This is one of my favorites. It has suprise, irony, and humor.

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have intercourse with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

[wildhorses]

18. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It:P

[BikeWriter]

20. There ya go, Here's one:

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop-clop-clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

[BikeWriter]

17. Nursing home

An elderly lady was placed in a nursing home by her adult daughter. One day one of the nurses put the woman in a chair by a window thinking she might like to get some sun and watch the outside view. As the nurse glanced over from time-to-time to make certain the woman was alright, she noticed the patient was starting to slowly lean to the left. After watching her lean more and more for awhile, the nurse walked over and straightened the patient in her chair.

Awhile later the nurse noticed the elderly patient was starting to lean toward the right side. After awhile of this the nurse walked over and once more straightened the patient.

A short time later the daughter of the woman came to visit. She asked her mother how she was doing in the nursing home.

"Oh, the food's good, the nurses are nice to me, and there seems to be plenty to do around here."

"That's wonderful, Mother," the daughter exclaims, happily.

"There's only one problem I'm having," the elderly mother states.

"What's that, Mom?"

"This one nurse won't let me #### when I need to."

[wildhorses]

21. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path:P

[BikeWriter]

25. Thank you, that's a good one. Here's one:

This joke is a superb one.
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly Rowdy bar for possible violations of the Driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try His keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, He started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, Read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[BikeWriter]

22. The Construction Crew...

There was a family that lived in a nice house by an empty lot. The family had a little 5 year old girl. The little girl was lonely. There were no kids her age to play with nearby and she did not have any siblings. Her mom would always tell her one day a friend will just show up.
Then one day a construction crew showed up at the empty lot next door and began building a new house. The little girl went out each morning to greet the construction workers. They all soon fell in love with the sweet little girl. They even gave her little odd jobs to do to make her feel important.

When Friday came around the men lined up to get their pay envelopes. Imagine the little girl's surprise when she saw there was one with her name on it. She opened up the envelope and inside there was a check for $2.00. She was so excited she ran home to show her mom her very first paycheck. Her mom showed her delight at the girl's happiness and told her she would take her to the bank to cash her very first paycheck.

While at the bank, the little girl told her story, so excited she was nearly breathless as she told the teller how she came to get her first check.

The bank teller was very impressed. "What a very helpful little girl you are. Will you be working at the construction site next week, too?"

She beamed and said "I will if those useless #### at Home Depot ever get off their lazy A$$ and get us that ####ing dry wall we've been waiting for all week!"

[wildhorses]

24. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It:P

[BikeWriter]

29. Hee hee hee! Here's another classic...

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."

[sarge43]

26. My favorite sergeant yuk

It was Boss and Buddy Night at the NCO club, so this sergeant takes her lieutenant boss to the club for some rounds.

After tossing back a few, lieutenant has to use the latrine. After doing her thing, she's at the sink washing her hands. A sergeant comes out of one of the stalls and heads for the door.

Lieutenant calls out, "Excuse me Sergeant, but at OTS we're taught to wash our hands after using the toilet."

Sergeant stops and answers, "Yes ma'am, so I've heard, but you see, at the NCO Academy we're taught how to take a leak without getting our hands wet."

[BikeWriter]

27. Dumping Whisky...

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of alcohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as think as you might drink.
I fool so feeblish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you silly sit! ...

[wildhorses]

28. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam! :P

[BikeWriter]

31. Ha ha ha ha! This joke speaks for itself!

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

[NMMNG]

30. One evening a cabbie picks up a nun

The nun gives him an address and the cabbie begins driving. They engage in small-talk for several minutes and then there is a lull.

Suddenly the cabbie tells the nun he has a confession to make. The nun tells him, "Go ahead my son".

"I went to Catholic school as a boy and had crushes on a number of the nuns there. I've always wanted to kiss a nun. Do you think that's sinful?"

"Why, not at all." The nun replied. "In fact, if you'd like you can kiss me."

The cabbie is amazed and immediately pulls the cab over. He turns to the nun and receives the most intense, passionate kiss he has ever experienced in his entire life. Afterward he resumes driving the nun to her destination. A few moments later, however, he breaks down crying.


"What is it my son?", asks the nun.

"I'm afraid I've deceived you. I'm not actually Catholic and never went to Catholic school. I'm actually a Lutheran." said the cabbie.

"That's ok my son," came the reply, "I'm not really a nun. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."

[BikeWriter]

32. Oh, yeah, and here's one for you. :-)

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash.

He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...it's Kylie Minogue.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says,
"The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."

Kylie replies:
"What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" So off they set.

After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm ####!!

[NMMNG]

35. LOL

:P

[BikeWriter]

41. Here's another.:

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow said. “Just look at you… You have no legs!”

The old gentleman smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed?”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”


The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[NMMNG]

112. Heh heh

No doubt they'll have a happy marriage. :evilgrin:

[Kutjara]

36. I like that one. It reminds me of...

...the one about the shipwrecked guy on the desert island whose only companion is a camel. After several months of isolation, the camel begins to look pretty attractive, so the guy decides to...erm...pursue romantic relations with the animal. The problem is, everytime he gets close enough to the camel, the beast gets up and moves away. Weeks pass and the shipwreck survivor is no closer to consummating the relationship when he sees a raft floating past his island. He swims out and discovers a beautiful woman on the raft, barely alive. He nurses the woman back to health and, when she finally regains consciousness, she is so grateful she offers to do anything he wants. "Great," says our hero, "hold this feckin' camel still for me."

[BikeWriter]

38. *Smirk!* A parrot one...

There was once a fine stage magician whose main gig was to work cruise ships. On this particular cruise, the captain of the ship liked to watch the daily shows with his passengers. He was a burly, rough sailor, with a colorful pet parrot perched on his shoulder. Night after night, the captain and his parrot would come see the magic show.
After enough shows, the clever parrot began to catch on to the magician's act, and started heckling him from the captain's shoulder. "It's in his sleeve!" the parrot would cry out, or "It's under the table, I saw it!" Night after night, the parrot would frustrate the magician by giving away his secrets.
One fateful night, the ship crashed into a submerged iceberg. The ship eventually capsized and sunk to the briny deep of the ocean floor. The magician wondrously survived. He woke up to find himself sprawled across a large piece of flotsam that had torn from the ship... and at the other end of the plank was perched the captain's parrot.
The two of them stayed at opposite ends of their makeshift raft, staring at each other coldly, menacingly, and without speaking. This went on for two days. Three days. Four days. And finally, after four days had passed of this silent, angry regard, the parrot ruffled his feathers, shrugged his wings, and said, "I give up. So where'd you hide the ship?"

[BikeWriter]

34. Her story, his story.

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately.

We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny. I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something I did or something else. I ask him, and he says no its not me. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me.

I don't know what that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to talk about it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep.

Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.

I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS STORY:

Horrible day at work. Tired. Got laid though!

[wildhorses]

39. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's:P

[BikeWriter]

42. A Groaner! Take this:

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

[wildhorses]

43. ha! that's a good one...backatcha with this:

Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you.
We
have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're
swinging on
the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing
baseball
caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the
stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones
all
over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing.

"The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel.
Heaven is
home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call
the
Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute."
The
Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're
having
down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on
something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm
back.
Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are
you
having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold
on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
"I'm
sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out
the
fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!!

[BikeWriter]

44. Uh huh, well, take this!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[hfojvt]

97. the devil was having some problems with an old Minnesota farmer

No matter how hot he made it, the farmer would just smile and say 'this is nothing compared to making hay in the Minnesota sun and humidity. Plus there are no mosquitos.' Desperate to make this guy suffer, the Devil decided to try making it cold since he could handle the heat. So he dropped the temperature down to ten below zero. He went back to see the farmer and the old guy was dancing and shouting and laughing. The devil asked him 'Why are you so happy?' and the Minnesotan looked at the ice and replied 'the Vikings just won the Superbowl.'

[BikeWriter]

98. New meds for women

New meds for women
Damitol
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing
the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.

Peptobimbo
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves
flirting.

Dumerol
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing
enjoyment of country western music.

Flipitor
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers

Antiboyotics
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades,
freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

Menicillin
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked
now?"

Buyagra
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency
and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying
frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

JackAsspirin
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

Antitalksident
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear,
I have a headache," syndrome.

Ragamat
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of
doing it herself.

[BikeWriter]

37. "All of you sons of bitches"

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue. "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Random_Australian]

40. Back in the days of explorers and untouched tribes, there was a

ship that was wrecked near the shores of a tribe of cannibals!

Soon the captain was washed ashore, but all alone. He woke, kissed his cross and the sea shore for his safe landing, looked up and WOAH! There was the entire tribe there, a circle of warriors around him, and in front of him in magnificent dress was the Chief of the tribe himself!

The Captain takes a long look at the crowd, and says "O Lord, I'm done for".

A booming voice calls out from the sky, saying "No! Not yet! Quick, grab that spear! Now, stab it into the heart of the chief!"

Quickly, the captain obeys.

The circle of warriors stare at him in utter disbelief.

The Captain then says "Ok, now what?"

The Voice replies, with enormous satisfaction... "Now you are done for!"


:)

Edit: spe;;ing.

[BikeWriter]

45. A murtherin' big shillelagh!

Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."

[BikeWriter]

46. What do I look like?

The house needed repairs badly so one day the wife asked her hubbie,"will you fix the front door?"
Hubbie refused saying,"What do I look like
a carpenter?"
The next day she asked,"Will you fix the
dishwasher?" Again hubbie declined saying,
"What do I look like, a dishwasher repair-
man?"
The third day the wife asked,"Will you fix
the kitchen sink?" Hubbie again refused saying," What do Ilook like, a plumber?"
The fallowing day,hubbie came home to find
the front door fixed and both the dish-
washer and kitchen sink working perfectly.
The hubbie asked his wife how she did it,
"Oh, I offered the man next door a choice
of cake or sex if he'd repair everything."
"Well, what did he take?" asked the hubbie
To which the wife replied, "What do I look
like, a baker?"

[BikeWriter]

47. Just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce
children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the
east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a
farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively
took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one
you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can
hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other
girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you
can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if
things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect,
just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed
right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery
he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human
you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a
thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

[BikeWriter]

48. A ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey...

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a Politician!"

[BikeWriter]

49. Here's another Irish joke.

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed to be a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, I'll wager, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was-leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

[Kutjara]

50. A major think tank received a grant to study...

...male sexuality. Specifically, they were tasked with finding out why the head of the male penis has a larger circumference than the rest of the organ. In order to get a definitive answer, they commissioned researchers from Harvard, Stanford and Texas A&M to perform independent studies.

Six months later, the Harvard group produced their 300 page report, together with a bill for $2 million, stating that the penis is shaped as it is "for the woman's pleasure."

A month later, the Stanford team produced their 400 page report, together with a bill for $3 million, stating that the penis is shaped as it is "for the man's pleasure."

Utterly baffled, the think tank awaited the final report, from Texas A&M. It duly arrived, with a bill for $4.95. On a single PostIt note was scrawled, "It's so your hand don't slip off."

[BikeWriter]

52. Then there's this one...

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
"Oh really, hmm, I didn't know that." Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"
"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to
his buddies. "Your right, he is unshakable!"
The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"
"Yeah, that's what your two buddies were trying to tell me."

[Kutjara]

54. Which reminds me of this one.

A man and woman are making love in a public park in Paris. A passerby sees them and says to himself, "Mon Dieu, isn't it wonderful? It is springtime in Paris and love is in the air. There is nothing more wonderful than...eh...wait a moment...What!?!...Oh my God, that's the most disgusting...!"

He runs off and grabs a policeman, who, upon seeing the couple, turns to the passerby and says, "What is the matter with you? Are you not French? Can't you see that it is merely a couple making love. After all, it is springtime in Paris and love is in the air. There is nothing more wonderful than...eh...wait a moment...What!?!...Oh my God! That's the most disgusting...!"

The policeman walks over to the couple and raps the man sharply on the back with his truncheon. The man looks up, puzzled for a moment, then says, "Don't worry! She's not dead. She's English."

[BikeWriter]

56. Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV

Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese deliveryman is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling: "you sign, you sign".
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting: "you sign, you sign".
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods.
Mandela loses his temper and yells: "look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong name".

Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks: "You not Nissan Maindealer?

[Kutjara]

57. OMG, that's a howler.

I'm going to have to lie down after that.

[BikeWriter]

60. Check this one out. A Chinese couple gets married...

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring; "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -- jus anyting you want, you say. What you want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly!) for her request.

"I want... 69." she eventually replies shyly with a smile.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a puzzled tone he asks... "Why you want Beef with Broccoli?"

[Kutjara]

61. ROFL. OK, here's a really awful one.

The virgin newlyweds are about to go to bed on their wedding night. The groom has stripped down to his pants, when the bride notices odd scarring on his feet. "What's that, darling?" she asks. "Oh," he replies, "I had toelio when I was a child." "Don't you mean 'polio?'" she enquires. "No, toelio. It's a rare condition."

The groom removes his pants, and the bride immediately notices discolored blotches on his legs. "What's that, darling?" she asks. "Oh, I had kneasles when I was a child," he responds "My love, surely you mean 'measles?'" the bride insists. "No, kneasles. Another very rare condition, I'm afraid."

Finally, the husband removes his boxers and his new wife says, "I see you had smallcox as well."

[BikeWriter]

63. You know you're Italian when ...

You know you're Italian when ...
. . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you Really, Really know you're Italian when:
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal.
You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
You've called someone a "mamaluke."
And you understand "bada bing"
And to add insult to injury ...

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.

[VeggieTart]

116. following on that theme...

A man marries a woman he thinks is innocent. It's the wedding night, and they're undressing, and he points to his--ahem--unit, and asks his new bride, "Do you know what this is?"
She says, "It's a wee-wee."
"No, dear," he says, "it's a cock."
"No, it's a wee-wee."
"Honey, it's a cock."
"Uh-huh, wee-wee."
"Look, honey, we're married now, so you can call it a cock."
"It can't be a cock. I've seen plenty of cocks, and that is a wee-wee."

[BikeWriter]

51. Here's a Jewish joke...

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the
corner and hang a left? There's a big bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.
"Great!" says buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

[BikeWriter]

53. The Top 8 Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes

The Top 8 Worst Fortune Cookie Fortunes
8. "What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for
you, tubby?"
7. "Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."

6. "Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and
nobody gets hurt."

5. "Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."

4. "Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly
consume chef's bodily fluids."

3. "Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make
good busboy. Ask waitress for application."

2. "Your strength lies in your continued belief that what
you just ate was indeed duck."

1. "Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find
ways to stir soup."

[av8rdave]

55. Two seven year olds are lying on gurnies...

in the surgery waiting area. One of the kids asks the other, "what are you here for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out," the other replied. "And I'm scared to death. I've never been through anything like this before."

The first child says, "Hey, don't worry about it. I had that done last year. They knock you out, you don't feel a thing, and when you wake up you can have all the jello and ice cream you want. It's really a good deal."

"Thanks," says the other child. "I feel a lot better. What are you here for?"

"I'm here for a circumcision," says the first kid.

"Dude, I don't know how to tell you this. I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[BikeWriter]

59. A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel...

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.

To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby there was no food, so they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...

Now, look again... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

[av8rdave]

58. One more to add to the count...

An Air Force pilot, Navy pilot and Marine pilot were all flying a joint exercise, when they all ran out of fuel and had to eject. All three wound up being captured by the cannibals on a remote island.

The chief spoke to the Air Force pilot first: "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that we are going to boil you alive in that big pot of water over there. It's a slow, horrible death. The good news is that our tribe will eat your meat to make us stronger and healthier. We'll use your bones for our fine weapons and tools. And we'll stretch your skin over wooden frames to make our fine canoes. Do you have a last wish?"

The pilot obviously wanted no part of being boiled alive, so he asked for a piece of rope, which he strangled himself with.

The chief then spoke to the Navy pilot: "I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that we are going to boil you alive in that big pot of water over there. It's a slow, horrible death. The good news is that our tribe will eat your meat to make us stronger and healthier. We'll use your bones for our fine weapons and tools. And we'll stretch your skin over wooden frames to make our fine canoes. Do you have a last wish?"

He asked for a knife, which he used to cut his own throat. No boiling alive for him!

The chief gave the same speech to the Marine pilot. When he asked if he had a final wish, the Marine looked him in the eye and said, "yeah...do you have a fork?" "A FORK?" the chief exclaimed. "Yes. A fork. That's my final wish."

The chief handed the Marine the fork. The Marine immediately began stabbing himself in the chest over and over, shouting, "#### your damned canoes!"

[BikeWriter]

62. 'MADE IN AMERICA

President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their
power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in
diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and
called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000
condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on
each one."

[BikeWriter]

64. An older Jewish man who needed surgery...

An older Jewish man who needed surgery insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he lay on the operating table about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember ... if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you!"

[BikeWriter]

65. Jewish and Chinese Beginnings

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

[BikeWriter]

66. Italian Love Song

Italian Love Song
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.

[BikeWriter]

67. The Top Least Popular Horror Movies

Least Popular Horror Movies


18> Tapeworm!
17> The Texas Chainsaw Macarena
16> Dorf on Beating Someone to Death With a Golf Club
15> Invasion of the Potty Snatchers
14> Iraqnophobia
13> Mittens Visits the Asthma Ward
12> Mr. Dole Goes to Washington
11> 101 Mutilations
10> Attack of the Receding Hairline
9> The Island of Dr. Perot
8> An American Werewolf in Therapy
7> Winnie The Pooh In Tigger's Stew
6> First Wives Clubbed
5> The Miami Beach Chainsaw Massacre: "That shrub's gotta go!"
4> You're an Axe Murderer, Charlie Brown
3> The Methane Monsters of Fraternity Row
2> April The 15th - Jason's Audit

and the Number 1 Least Popular Horror Movie...
1> She's Wearing White After Labor Day!

[BikeWriter]

68. Top 10 Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"

9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up

8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"

7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap

6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!"

4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform

3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh"

2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

[BikeWriter]

69. Funny Quotes

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
--------------------


You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris
--------------------


I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner
--------------------


I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky
--------------------


I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer
--------------------


I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
--Ed Bluestone
--------------------


The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
--------------------


I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said,"do you want fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
--------------------


The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Himon
--------------------


I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
--Dave Edison
--------------------


If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
--George Gobel
--------------------


Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--Billiam Coronel
--------------------


Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde
--------------------


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown
--------------------


If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry
--------------------


Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
--------------------


Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown
--------------------


Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey
--------------------


My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
--------------------


I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson
--------------------


Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
--------------------


I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
--Lily Tomlin
--------------------


Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
--------------------


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my ....I could be eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
--------------------


What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
--Marilyn Pittman
--------------------


Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin
--------------------


When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
--Robin Williams
--------------------


Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
--Jerry Seinfeld

[BikeWriter]

70. Blonde Jokes

Blonde Jokes


Why won't they hire a Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondees?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

Q: Why do all blondes have a dimple in their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-"I don't know". Hits forehead-"Oh I get it!"

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?"

[av8rdave]

71. Three couples wanted to join this really strict church

They all met with the minister, who told them they would first have to pass a test of devotion before they could join - they would have to abstain from sex for a month.

A month later, the first couple, retirees in their early 70s, came into the minister's office. "How did you do, folks?" he asked. "No problem," said the husband. "We abstained." "Welcome to the church," said the minster. "We'll see you at the service tomorrow."

Later in the day, the second couple, 40-somethings, showed up. When the minister asked how they did, the husband said, "we're really proud of ourselves. That got pretty difficult to go without after a couple of weeks, bit it was important to us, so we abstained." "I'm proud of you too," said the minister. "Welcome to the church, and we'll see you tomorrow."

Around quitting time, the third couple came in. They were newlyweds in their early 20s. The minister asked how it went, and the husband said, "well, we did pretty well for the first couple of weeks. But I have to be honest with you, Pastor. After going without for that long, the missus here bent over to get something out of the freezer. I took one look at that, and I was all over her. I couldn't help it."

The minister said, "you do realize you won't be welcome in our church."

The husband replied "We won't be welcome in Safeway anymore either!"

[wildhorses]

72. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad

Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

:eyes:

[BikeWriter]

74. There was this Christian lady

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

[BikeWriter]

73. in the Garden of Eden

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."


"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

[BikeWriter]

76. A Jewish lawyer was troubled...

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, and cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through the University, cost me a fortune, and then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the Lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did He say?" pressed the Lawyer.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

[BikeWriter]

77. Another Groaner

Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[BikeWriter]

78. A guy is at the pearly gates...

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I get out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

[VelmaD]

79. here ya go

What's brown and sticky?

A stick. :rofl:

And my 7 year old nephew's favorite:
What's green and sits in the corner?

A naughty frog. *snort*

[BikeWriter]

83. Just for that, READ THIS! :-)

Two men were walking their dogs and decided to get a bite to eat. One man had a german shepard and the other had a chihuahua. When they sat down at the restaurant the manager walked over. "Excuse me," he said to the first man. "We do not allow dogs in here." The man replied that the he was blind and that the dog was his seeing-eye dog. The manager then told the other man that there were no dogs allowed, and he too claimed he was blind and that his dog was a seeing-eye dog. "You have a CHIHUAHUA for a seeing-eye dog!!?" the manager asked.

"They gave me a Chihuahua!?!" The man said.

[VelmaD]

84. heeeeee...ok, here's some more

What did zero say to eight?

Nice belt. *snort*

Why do green lights turn red?

You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

[BikeWriter]

86. Just for that...

A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant:
"Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?" The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself,
"Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do for you."
The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus.
"Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few bucks in it for you!"
An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes,
"Great news! You've got an interview tomorrow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
The dog looks puzzled. "What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"

[BikeWriter]

87. Top 25 shortest books

Top 25 shortest books

25. Things I Wouldn't do for Money by Dennis Rodman
24. "Human Rights Advances in China"
23. "The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert"
22. "The Book of Virtue" by Bill Clinton
21. "To all the Men I've Loved Before" Ellen DeGeneres
20. "Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes"
19. "My Plan to Find the Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit - A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the number one World's Shortest Books:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

[BikeWriter]

80. Jesus Is Watching You!

Jesus Is Watching You!


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus. Sic 'em, Jesus!"

[BikeWriter]

81. "This ant will make me rich!"

A man spent thirty years in prison. Most of it was in solitary confinement, and he was going crazy alone in his cell, when he spied an ant crawling on the floor. He began to look forward to the ant's daily visit to his cell, and he would save bread crumbs to feed the ant. He began to talk to the ant and gave it a name.
He was really surprised when the ant began to come to him when he called it by name. He thought he was going crazy when the ant began to talk back to him. He taught the ant to recite the Declaration of Independence. Later, when he was finally paroled, the convict took the ant with him, in a matchbox.
He went to a bar, thinking, "This ant will make me rich!" He took the matchbox out of his pocket and released the ant on the bar. He said, "Bartender, do you see this ant on the bar?"
The bartender, "I'm sorry about that", and squashed the ant with his thumb!

[BikeWriter]

82. "Pull, Buster, pull!"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[BikeWriter]

85. A nightmare

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After dressing, he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.


Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the postman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

[BikeWriter]

88. If They Married ...

If They Married ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to inderstand)

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

[sakabatou]

89. LOL

[BikeWriter]

91. Hee hee hee! I'm glad you like it. Here's one...

TOP 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME


#10- Tweety Bird- You know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble.

#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath covet their neighbors model airplane."

#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news.

#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who did they think they're fooling.

#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful -and thankfully shortlived- idea.

#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment? Let's take a good look at this character; a skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's French.

#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me tell you something...you're no Fred.

#3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it? Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this game.

#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch. I know! Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test from Hanna Barbara, please?

#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.

[sakabatou]

92. Which just goes to show that American cartoons

aren't on par with anime. :D

[BikeWriter]

104. A man follows a woman out of a movie

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"

[BikeWriter]

90. Crossbred Dogs

Crossbred Dogs

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachsunds
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekinese + Lhaso Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that never travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

[BikeWriter]

93. Meat

Meat
Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat.
" "Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact.

" "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the pictue"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

[BikeWriter]

94. A Stress Reliever...

If someone has you stressed out, you might try the following for relief. Take several deep calming breaths. Imagine you are walking across a beautiful meadow. Imagine wildflowers all around. Smell their lovely aroma. There is a brook babbling across the meadow - can you hear it? Walk over to it and look into the cool water. Now imagine you have that person with you & and you have grabbed the back of their neck and shoved them under the icy stream! Let them up for air for a second, then BAM! back under the water - again and again! There, feel better?

[texas1928]

99. How to tell you are a coffee addict.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?” you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

[BikeWriter]

101. A redneck was walking past his neighbor...

A redneck was walking past his neighbor one day with his dog in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
The neighbor asked, "Where you going, boy?"

The man said, "To shoot my dog"

The neighbor said, "Is he mad?"

The man said, "Well he's not too happy about it."

[texas1928]

106. The owner of this drug store walks in to find...

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?" ask the owner

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." Replied the clerk.

"You idiot!" Yelled the owner" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

"Of course you can!" replied the clerk, "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

[BikeWriter]

108. "Why Dogs Are Better than Women"

"Why Dogs Are Better than Women"
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs have ten breasts.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

A dog's parents never visit.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

[texas1928]

110. A man and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee...

A man and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that. Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .............

"HEBREWS"

[sarge43]

113. That's a keeper

If I may, I'd like to add one:

You clean your house even before the dust settles.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

100. Here's a cute one...

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of puppies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

[BikeWriter]

105. This fellow was sitting at the counter

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating
lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled, wearing a suit
with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him was his dog; an
unusually small Mexican Chihuahua. He
was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers, and
he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog. He continued in
silence eating his lunch and when finished stood down from the
counter, paid his bill, and he and his dog walked out of the diner. A
few moments later the small man returns and timidly asks, "Does anyone
in here own a Doberman?" The roughest of the truck drivers rises and
walks over to the little man and says, "Yeah, the Doberman's mine.
What about 'im?" The little guy replies, "I'm afraid, my dog just
killed your dog." The truck driver, bristling, bellows, "How could
YOUR dog possibly have killed MY dog?" The little man responds, "Well,
your dog choked on him."

[GoddessOfGuinness]

107. Haha!

I hope the chihuahua got out ok...

[BikeWriter]

109. The mail carrier had a registered letter...

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."
Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest Domerman he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off your dog before he eats me alive!" The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'come in'?" Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, Sic him, Schultzie!!!"

[texas1928]

111. Can't

An Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer stopped to help a stranded motorcycle rider ...
... standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen.

"Well, pee on it," the Mountie said.

"Can't," replied the rider.

The helpful Mountie unzipped his fly and proceed to pee on the carburetor himself, and the bike soon fired up.

A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.

[Drum]

115. Bush Goes to Hell:

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

I don't know what to do, said the devil. "You are on my list but I dont have a vacant room for you. There are no vacancies, but you definitely have to stay. This is what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'm going to let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who you want to replace." George thought that sounded pretty darn good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the door to the first room. There was Richard Nixon and a large swimming pool. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed, over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," George said, I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room and opened the door. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. Tony was just swinging that sledgehammer, smashing rocks, again and again and again. "No! said George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day!" he explained.

So the devil opened the door to the third room And there was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor on his back, his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked wide apart, spread-eagle. And there was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she did best, over and over and over.George gazed in disbelief, and finally said with a smirk, "Yeah, I can handle this!"

The devil smiled and called out, "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

[Submariner]

117. Submarine Sailor goes to Hell

Sub sailor goes to Hell

Satan welcomes him and says "pick door 1 or 2". Then the intercom calls the Devil off to get something done.

The sub sailor figures what the hell I might as well peek. He goes to #1 door opens it a ways and sees into a Diesel boat, They got a hot run in the tubes, a cold snorkel start going on, depth charges going off all around, Fire balls in maneuvering, chlorine gas in the forward battery 15% hydrogen in the after battery high Co2 everywhere and the Conn is flooding and they are going down fast.

Ugh he thinks closes the door and looks in #2.

To see a nuke boat that has a reactor scram, high radiation, superheated steam leaks, flooding in the torpedo room, torpedoes closing fast, a smokey fire in crews mess and 200 feet past test depth.

Double ugh. Not a good way to spend the rest of forever, he thinks.

Spying a third door he looks in and sees a submarine where beautiful naked Waves do all the work, stand all the watches and offer their bodies to the crewmembers as they want.

Nice he thinks.

The devil returns and says "ok which door 1 or 2?"

The bubblehead says "why not door #3"

Satan says "that’s not for you, that’s the Hell for Waves."

[Submariner]

118. Guy's Rules...

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
e. When your date is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been
severed in a freak threshing accident.

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: You'd
rather stay home and watch Strongest Man reruns.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads. Low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment,she's officially your girlfriend.

16. Only in situations of mortal and/or ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

19. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem -- you didn't see
nothin'.

20. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

21. You must offer heart-felt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,but not both. That's just plain mean.

24. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

25. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

26. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. "Yeah, Baby, Push it!"
b. "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
c. "Another set and we can hit the showers!"
d. "Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?"

27. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

28. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stop watch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

29. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a
manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.

30. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.

31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

32. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.