Help! Our friends 27 year old gay son wants to "hang" with us....How can

[Rowdyboy]

"kindly" discourage him? Here's the situation: I'm 52, my partner is 57 and the kid is 27, the son of friends of ours. He's forced by finances to return to his parents home in our small town where he knows NO ONE else (though we're only 20 miles from where he previously lived). Because he knows we're gay, he apparently expects to hang out with us on a regular basis, at least thats what he suggested when he called and wanted to stop by today. I said it was a bad time. From my limited experience, I think he wants to be taken care of.

He's cute, very self-centered, bi-polar, on disability and we have absolutely nothing in common with him. He's apparently expecting us to be his refuge from living with mom and dad since we live only a few blocks away and we really hate the idea. We're very private people and thrive on our time alone together. The kid's parents are friends of ours (not close friends but VERY nice people). Naturally, the son despises them and talks disrespectfully about them in our presence. At heart, he's a good kid, just screwed up, self-centered and boring (the little politics he's talked have been basically liberal, non-voter).

My guy and I enjoy sitting around at night, casually talking or watching Olberman, etc and thrive on our privacy. How do we distance ourselves from this cute though uninteresting young man without being mean? I really love his parents but find him mildly irritating.

Trust me, any serious suggestions are welcomed. He moves in with the folks Monday and we DREAD it already.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Rowdyboy.........

Ouch, that is a tough one!

I don't really have any suggestions, though......

Just wanted to wish you both luck!

The only thing I can think of is to discourage him......and be consistent about it........

If he comes over unannounced, tell him that you're busy, and close the door........

:scared:


:hug:

[Rowdyboy]

4. Thanks for the hug, I need it tonight....

I feel sorry for the kid and don't want to be rude but there is nothing in common except our sexuality.

[Nicole]

2. Just be busy when he calls or stops by

If he doesn't take the hint, then let him know what you told us. Let him know how much you value your privacy & alone time. Tell him that your age difference leaves little room for common interests. If that doesn't work, go back to being busy when he calls or stops by.

Good luck!

[Rowdyboy]

5. Would it be rude to suggest that we'd like him to come over ONE night

a week and make it a date. Say he comes over Wednesday for the evening, dinner and conversation? We don't dislike the kid, there's just nothing in common.

[Nicole]

11. Not at all rude

It's beyond generous given that you don't have anything in common.

Hopefully he will make new friends soon & lose interest in you. :)

[Floogeldy]

3. You and your partner do not have to justify or explain yourselves.

Just draw the line and say, "No." You guys don't owe anybody anything like that.

You have nothing to feel guilty about if you do that. It is your house and your life. It is not your responsibility.

It is okay to make a decision without having to please someone else.

Just my thoughts.

[Rowdyboy]

Your thoughts are totally right. I just feel sorry for the kid. But, I'm

afraid he could wind up being a major irritant and hurt our friendship with his parents.

Michael and I are both natural "enablers". We're not very assertive and both HATE confrontation. In this case, we have no choice.

[merh]

6. Put him to work...

How are your windows?

Have you got some shoes that need shining?

What about the lawn?

I betcha you have some grout that could use some scubing.

:evilgrin: You get the idea! :evilgrin:


Good luck to you! :hug:

[Rowdyboy]

7. Thats not a half-bad idea, my friend....Peter is VERY lazy and we work all

the time so, when he comes over, we can start a project and put him to work. I'll bet he's gone within 20 minutes. You just may have hit on the perfect solution! Make it clear that he's expected to work if he comes over and he'll steer clear.

My dear Merh, you have flashes of brilliance! :hug:

Hope life is treating you well!

[merh]

Heh, the way you described him, it just sounds that he

is not the "project" type of guy. Just think of the fall cleaning you can accomplish until he realizes that it is not a fluke, it is what you and your man like to do. ;)

Glad I could help and thanks for the good hopes! :hug:

You now can relax and get some rest, I promise, it will be okay, this and other things eating at you tonight. :pals: :hug:

[Rowdyboy]

15. Yeah, you saw my other thread....I'm a little shakey tonight and my guy

is gone so I'm just a little depressed. It will be okay, especially once I'm back with him tomorrow night.

Things really will be alright. And your virtual hugs are the closest thing I can get tonight. Thanks, my friend. Tomorrow, I'm going to drive 3 hours to get a real one, in person, from my better half. Until then, you've helped keep me sane. Thanks.

[merh]

25. like you said

I have my moments ;)


glad I could help, ask him to give you a hug from me, just a little more than the cyber hugs from here. :hug:

take good care and have a great tonight! :hug:

[Flaxbee]

9. yeah, you could always say you had some stuff to do

around the house (repaint it, or windows, or whatever) and he's more than welcome but you'll be busy. Say you'll order a pizza, and let him decide. If he sticks around and becomes helpful, well, then you'll have to deal with that ;-)

I don't think it's bad at all to invite him over once or twice a month for dinner, or a movie, or whatever - very structured times. You can be a resource if he needs it, but not a crash-pad... he sounds like he might need some help/guidance and you can do that if you wish without being taken advantage of.

If you decide you can help him out a bit - you could always look at it as charity, helping a young adult - just make sure it is super structured so that there is a beginning time, and an end time, and that he knows he is not invited over except during those times, unless there's an emergency or something.

You could always just tell him you are both very busy, but would help him if he ever needed it, wanted advice, etc. But you can't be his second home.

[Rowdyboy]

16. That would be ideal....a couple of times a month for dinner and a movie...

We're not very forceful people buit we're going to have to be.

[pitohui]

8. i'm a bitch but...

when bipolar friend comes to call, i don't answer the doorbell, and i don't pick up the phone, in my humble experience, you have to avoid the person long enough that they latch onto somebody else to make miserable

i don't think this is about gay or straight, this is about not allowing a psychic vampire to attach himself to you, been there, done that, got the tee shirt!

you are not obligated to be an unpaid shrink to this needy person

besides, give him some motivation to get out there and find friends of his own age

on reading the thread, i also like merh's idea of putting him to work if you MUST socialize with him for whatever reason, you could even try that first before opting for the total avoidance and just never being at home when he rings the bell (your door does have one of those peepholes right? -- or get one of those little cameras that can come up on your computer so you don't have to be all obvious and peek out the front window to see who it is before you don't answer the door)

[Rowdyboy]

17. You certainly told me what I WANT to hear.....I'd love to ignore him but

he's gonna push and its really hard for me to be rude.

"You are not obligated to be an unpaid shrink to this needy person

besides, give him some motivation to get out there and find friends of his own age"

Actually, I think you've hit upon the problem. We owe him nothing, and his time would be better spent elsewhere among people closer to his age. Just wish it was an easy point to explain.

[Placebo]

10. Umm, just always "be busy" when he wants to meet...

it won't take him long to get the hint. Unless he's totally dense. Which, after your description, it sounds like he might be.

[Rowdyboy]

18. He's dense with a capitol D. Why else would he continue to diss his folks

when he knows we really like them.

[Evoman]

12. Why does he dislike his parents so much?

If they are your friends, they must be okay with the gay thing, right? The best way, in my opinion, of getting rid of your problem is to simply associate yourself with unpleasant experiences...when he comes over, make him uncomfortable. Put him to work. Make it "not fun". Talk nothing but politics, if he hates it. Bore the fuck out of him...put on the absolutely worst shows you can on tv, and then start knitting (if you don't know how, pretend lol).

Whatever happens, keep us updated my friend. I want to know what happens!

[pitohui]

13. because he's dependent on them, from the sound of it

i'm just guessing but that's my take from the original post

[Rowdyboy]

20. You pretty much have the essense of the problem

[Rowdyboy]

19. Some great ideas. I'd thought about inviting him over WITH his parents..

They're very okay with homsexuality. Very warm and loving people who give him unconditional support while he treats them shittily. I really think that putting him to work is the answer, that and lots of political talk/shows. Non-stop Olberman/Stewart/Colbert etc will either make him human or drive him off.

[begin_within]

14. He's looking at you guys as "substitute parents." Don't become that to him

It's his parents' job to be his parents. Make them be that to him. If you want to socialize with him, have him come over once a month at most. Or, take him to social events, where he is likely to meet other people his own age.

[Rowdyboy]

21. That probably good advice.....Once a month is about what I'd like....

But I still feel some guilt. I remember being 27 and clueless. That siad, I don't want to experience any part of it again.

[begin_within]

22. You haven't done anything to feel any guilt for. Maybe you guys could

point him in the right direction towards developing a social life of his own. But it sounds like he wants you guys to be his babysitters. If he was to stay with you guys all the time and not develop an independent social life, that would be pretty sad. I see your role as maybe a type of guidance counselor that he could check in with occasionally, but not the be all and end all of his entire social life. But whatever you decide your role is, maybe you need to explain to him what your role is and what it isn't.

[Evoman]

23. Dude...I'm 27!

I can't believe someone would be so dense at that age. DAMN. Lol...when I first read your thread, I didn't catch the age..I thought he was some 19 year old kid. I can't believe that someone that age would be so dependant. I've been completely independant since I was about 19, I love politics, and I like to think I'm not clueless. Wow.

[fujiyama]

24. He sounds like a he needs a support group of some sort

for people around his own age.

I'm 25 myself and I'd find it rather awkward being around people my parents' age for extended socializing. And for you, it sounds like it's more than just the age difference.

He sounds like he needs something to keep him busy. Is he in school? Working? Doesn't he have friends through those areas? I would imagine it's difficult being gay in MS, but either way, I don't think having the same sexual orientation is enough to stay friends.