So, what did you do to get rid of your feelings for someone?

[begin_within]

I know, the cliche answer is always "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone." And in fact I did get under someone 2 nights ago. But that doesn't really have any real impact on my feelings for someone else.

This is regarding a person I have known for about 2 1/2 months and I have talked to about 8 times. I want to get closer, but they seem perfectly content with just keeping it at an "acquaintance" level. I don't feel any need to ask directly, I can tell by their lack of action or initiative that they don't want to spend any significant time with me.

What works? To just get rid of your feelings for someone, so that it doesn't affect you emotionally? So that, even if you see that person and talk to them, it won't affect you and build up those feelings again? Is there something I can do to just "purge" it? What worked for you in the past?

[Deja Q]

1. Time

That's all there is in the end.

Time and distractions.

[shanti]

13. that's it

only time, sometimes a LONG time!

[Deja Q]

31. SOmetimes the effects will linger permanently. But,

as with regret, it is imperative these feelings are not given the power.

It's an easy enough a trap to fall into. For anybody, regardless of social handicap. But all the feelings of regret and unrequited love can do is lower self-esteem and exponentially increase said handicap.

[skygazer]

2. Gotta agree with Hypno Toad

Time. But you can supplement that with some mind power. It really is amazing what the mind can accomplish when you work at it. I don't mean trying to tell yourself that those feelings aren't real, but you can choose a mindset that says, okay it's not going to happen so I'm not going to dwell on it. It does help - instead of having your mind saying, gee, I wish.... it's saying, okay I accept it. Which you may not, at least at first. But it gets easier to.

Does that make any sense at all?

[begin_within]

14. Yes, of course, thoughts create feelings - they are connected in the mind.

Thanks

[BarenakedLady]

3. ...

Good question. I'd like to know that answer as well.

[ContraBass Black]

4. I grew up.

[cwydro]

5. I sure don't know

but if you find out...clue me in....:shrug:

[CTyankee]

6. Art always saves you.

Emily Dickinson wrote some very affective lines about love that was never returned. And boy, did it ever hurt!

There is music that abounds in this feeling. Everything from opera to Sinatra.

Immerse yourself in the greatest art you can find. It will always save you. Trust me.

[begin_within]

16. Thanks

[MoseyWalker]

7. Can't, and shouldn't, be done

if one spent time with someone who caused beautiful feelings and thoughts, that should always be remembered. Some have problems with letting the past go because that is the way it is looked at in this society. The past.

The past is nothing, and the future is nothing. They don't exist.

The present exists, and will present new challenges and hopes and loves.

[RetroLounge]

8. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."

This NEVER works...

and if it someone special, why get over them?

Accept the gifts that were, and move on...

RL

[EFerrari]

32. My take would be something like that. See if you can focus

on the feelings you enjoyed and use thoughtfulness to filter the others. I think this way of dealing can become a habit if practiced enough.

[RetroLounge]

40. Sounds a bit like LovingKindness

:hi:

RL

[AlCzervik]

9. never heard that cliche before and may i add--thats a stupid one

time is about the only cure and for everybody it's different.

[Crazy Dave]

10. Once the past, always the past. There's no future in the past.

And you can't see the future if you're always looking behind. Everybody's different I know and there's never a one size fits all type of advice you can give. I've never worried about getting rid of feelings or forgetting someone since I've been out of my teens. When someone says it's over or there's no interest, so be it. What's worrying about it or being upset going to change? But that's just me. I'm happy when I'm with someone and I'm equally as happy when I'm not.

[begin_within]

17. Thank you

[reyd reid reed]

11. Beats the hell outta me...

I tried distance...only marginally effective unless you can make it complete and total -- and that doesn't stop your mind or your heart. Not completely.

Let me know when you find out.

[Zavulon]

12. This is cynical and borders on cruel, but it works.

First, think of a previous crush, the more serious the better, that is someone who you have no feelings for now. Concentrate on why the flame died down, especially if it was a series of faults with the other person.

Next, start finding fault with everything your current object of desire does. Not out loud, mind you, but concentrate on these things, no matter how minor - typos in e-mail, grammar mistakes in speech, shitty perfume or cologne, that ridiculously expensive stupid fucking cup of coffee the person drinks (or that stupid mug the person uses), that annoying bookbag or screensaver, the chickenscratch handwriting, any petty little bullshit will do.

Third, think of someone you loathe (yes, I know you said "doesn't affect you emotionally," but bear with me). There's got to be someone who fits that category, even if you have to go straight to the White House to find him. Think of how the things you've singled out would piss you off if you saw them from someone you detest.

The key things to remember is that while you're doing this, surround yourself with friends, do a little retail therapy if it's within your means, for fuck's sake don't drink, and when you're alone outside of work occupy your mind with something else - learn or get better at chess, buy and watch that DVD set you've always wanted, pick up a new hobby (stamps, golf, whatever floats your boat), and if there's a comedy TV show or movie you really love, make sure it's handy if you're alone at home and start to think about this person.

I've used this method a few times, it works as long as you break off and occupy yourself in a different way if you feel yourself starting to get mad. The first time is always the toughest, but if you have to use it a second or third time you'll be amazed at how well it works.

Good luck.

[idgiehkt]

18. what if you don't want to find fault with 'em?

LOL.

I just think of the previous crush, which is what I am doing now, which is the one I thought I couldn't live without. I thought I was gonna die...a married man who was the head of the program I was in. He started inviting me back to his office, called my cell phone a couple of times// so I dropped out. I had a 4.0 in that too but there was no way I was going down that stupid road, especially not at my age. At the time I thought I couldn't live without him and I thought he was 'the one' but being from a certain culture and very traditional I knew there was no way in hell I would ever be anything but a mistress...I got as far away from it as I could and eventually it flamed out. Now I don't have those feelings anymore but at the time I thought they were gonna drive me nuts. I guess my point is that everyone I've ever had a serious crush on is someone that I thought I couldn't live without, someone I thought was 'the one' and I just had to have them. I only got a few of them, and some I'd been better off without. But the most recent 'had to have' one prior to this one helps me put this one in perspective. A little bit.

[Zavulon]

26. Well, if you don't want to find fault, then

I'm out of advice. Your story (thanks for sharing, BTW), is a testiment to "time heals all wounds," but I've found that such advice - even though we both know it's perfectly sound, and in fact was the first response in this thread - rarely makes people feel better at the time it's spoken. I was just presenting another option.

You really made the right call, BTW. Good for you. I know a few women who could have used judgement as sound as yours.

[Ivan Sputnik]

15. Make a list of all the things you DON'T like

about the person, no matter how trivial. Memorize it and repeat it to yourself whenever you start thinking about him/her.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

19. Its all about time. You can't rush it.

Eventually whether you want to or not, you have to move on. You would be missing out on so much if you stayed stuck on the past.

[flvegan]

20. Find a hottie to lust over, preferably in a Lounge pic thread.

I kid. It's all about the time, my friend.

[begin_within]

21. Anyone in particular?

[flvegan]

22. One that suits your fancy.

The last pic thread was started by that egomaniac/jackass, flvegan.

Oh, uh...hmmm. Nevermind.

[begin_within]

24. flvegan's not an egomaniac/jackass at all. He's very modest and he lets

his assets speak for themselves.

[flvegan]

25. His assets?

What do you have to say about his assets?

He's so pathetic, he actually has a measuring tape on his desk. I can see it from here. Yeah, buddy...go ahead and measure those arms again. He's a freak, but he's our freak, huh?

[Dangerously Amused]

28. Correction: He's MY freak now.

I bought him earlier today. And don't you go 'round talkin smack about my freak now, you hear me boy?


I should just kick your ass right now.


Hmph.





Edited to add, his assest are divine!


:9

[flvegan]

30. And yet, you haven't used him.

He's probably terribly disappointed...

[Dangerously Amused]

35. I'm letting him save some energy up.

I intend to get my money's worth.



Every. Last. Dime.



Ooohhh yeah.

[flvegan]

39. Come.

And get it.

[begin_within]

34. I'm going to do a documentary film on his assets.

It's a good thing I live 3,000 miles away from him, or else I would be spending all my waking hours measuring, mapping and documenting every inch of him.

[kwassa]

23. Distance

Like time, distance is something else that helps separate.

There are times when I have been very attracted to a person, and they have not been attracted back. There is literally nothing that can be done about that; it is an all or nothing proposition. If I am bothered by my personal feelings in that situation, all I can do is to leave it, because it is I that is bothered, not the other person. This is good for my own mental health.

[Dangerously Amused]

27. Took off my rose-colored glasses,

...spent a lot of time getting honest with myself, swallowed some bitter truths about him AND about me... and realized that, although I am by no means perfect... I deserved better; Finally understood that when he walked away fate wasn't being cruel, but actually being kind. Even though it didn't seem that way at the time. Because fate wasn't going to let me "settle."

[Redstone]

29. DA, m'dear, you discovered a strong truth there.

Never, EVER sell yourself short.

Promise me that you'll not forget that, will you?

Redstone

[Dangerously Amused]

33. I won't forget it. But even if I do

I'll have you to remind me, won't I?


You're the best.








How are things my friend?

[EFerrari]

38. That's a really hard calculation to make. I mean, unless

you're attracted to a long criminal record or something equally as obvious. Guys that collect dead animals or women who keep kids locked up in the basement. Well, maybe not *that* obvious. lol

Or, it is for me, anyway. How do you begin to know if you're "selling yourself short"? I really don't know.

[Generic Brad]

36. Grow old

Once those hormone levels die down, your obsession will fade away. That's a crappy answer, don't you think?

[EFerrari]

37. Is it true?! My mom is 75 and still one of the "youngest" people

I know. She falls in love at least twice a week. :)

[prozacnation]

41. My sob story

My first love turned out to be gay, which wouldn't have been a problem if I were a man. Of course that realization didn't come to him until after we had sex (and he had sex with a lot of other women). I loved him so deeply that I can't describe it in words to you. I didn't think I would ever get over him or get past the feeling of loss. I spent a few years loving him and having him in my life as a "friend". It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I wrote sad poems and played horrible love songs that made me cry even more. Eventually I realized that he would always be gay and I would never be the love of his life. That was damn hard to do, trust me.

I tried some of the things you are doing to get past it but it didn't work. What did work was time. Easy to say, hard to live thru.
I took it day by day and that's my best advice to you. Find other things to take your mind off of this person. Spend time with friends, develop a new interest. Avoid the person until you feel comfortable being around him/her.

It's been a very long time since my first love was in my life. I went on to have other loves and I'm now married with three children. Once in a long while "he" crosses my mind and it's okay. He will always be someone I used to love but that's it. I appreciate that life lessons he taught me, even if he doesn't know it. Plus because of him, I have a lot of crappy poems that I can take out and get a good laugh from reading.

You deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them. I wish you well and I hope that you heal soon.

[vickitulsa]

51. This is the response I relate best to --

although I liked some of the others as well!

I only had one really significant unrequited love in my life, and I was young then, 23 I think. He was also someone I worked for, a chemical engineer whose mind I adored along with everything else about him.

Or so I thought.

Weird thing was, he didn't hesitate to be blunt and let me know my affection for him wasn't mutual -- "not that way, anyway." So I knew early on that things were going nowhere between us if I wanted romance in addition to friendship.

Problem was, I so enjoyed being around him, and that feeling WAS mutual! We not only worked together, we had lunch together and spent a lot of off-work time together as well, doing things we both liked to do. So much in common. To this day I believe his only real obstacle to loving me MAY HAVE BEEN an 10 extra pounds I had then that he complained about.

That alone ought to have told me SOMETHING about him that wasn't quite right.

What I learned from spending all that time with him -- he was the guy who took that "horsewoman" pic of me I posted here recently, and we often wandered around Tulsa and its surrounds while he looked for good photographic subjects -- was that being WITH him so much was what was killing me.

At first I thought if I was only around him at work, I would be okay. That proved not to be true. I stopped doing things with him apart from work, but then being around him at work started being rough on me, too. :argh: I began to face the fact that I was just rubbing salt in my wounds.

Finally, in desperation and because I was really STUCK in a bad place because of my feelings for this guy, I quit my job, had a yard sale and sold everything I owned, took the money I got from that and headed out to get a ride with my thumb to California where my cousin lived. No real plans, though, just had to keep moving for awhile.

My first stop along the way was in another part of Oklahoma where my former boss and dear friend who was a psychologist lived. He knew me better than anyone, and I was afraid I might be getting suicidal. When I told him my plans, he said I was doing exactly the right thing!

I'll never forget what he told me:

"You can't run away from yourself, but you can put yourself into new situations, a new environment, and you will inevitably find yourself drawn into new relationships with new people. Before you know it, you won't even be thinking about that guy or harming yourself at all."

He was so right!

And yes, that was a drastic situation, but the same sort of tactic, accordingly reduced in scale to fit the situation, worked for me forever after whenever I'd fall for someone who didn't feel the same way about me.

By the time I turned 40, if I started to fall for someone who clearly didn't return those feelings, I found I could switch from romance to regular friendship almost in a flash -- with no further complications! What a relief and a treat THAT has been in my life.

Hope some of this might help ya. :) :hug:

[Heidi]

42. Time, and taking care of _yourself_. (nt)

[Oeditpus Rex]

43. I drank a lot

I don't recommend this. Doesn't work. And you become a drunk.

[XemaSab]

44. Tell me when you find out

:(

[kskiska]

45. Unrequited Love

The only love that lasts a lifetime.

[zonkers]

46. Love stinks but be happy you can muster these feelings. I think

just posting here is a good step towards moving on. Also, time is your best friend in cases like this. And yeah, getting laid is not the answer though it is awful nice.

Now I don't know the particulars but maybe if you knew her longer, you might not be idealizing her, you know, sort of letting your mind fill in the blanks for what you don't know about her, At least, that's what I tend to do.

My advice, STAY IN THE GAME. Life is short. Just be the best guy you can be in every way, for yourself and who knows, she or some other super nice girl will surely notice. :)

[Joe Bacon]

47. I looked at the credit card bills she left.

Got rid of those feelings REAL FAST...

[pointblank]

48. Bob

I feel your pain, I've been there.

But if I can interject some comedy into this thread for a moment...

You should take this guy's seminar:




I mean he really tells it like it is and teaches you how to stuff your "fat fucking sausage" into one of your so called "lady friends"

:rofl:

To anyone who knows what I am saying:

Cmon, you have to admit thats's a funny reference.

To anyone who hasn't seen the movie "Magnolia" http://imdb.com/title/tt0175880/ .....Check it out...its great. (even if Tom Cruise is in it)



Oh, and Bob...Good Luck. Like I said, I've been there and it is difficult. My only advice is that you can't force anything. If its meant to be and you give it your best, it will happen.

peace.

Steve

[K8-EEE]

49. 2-1/2 Months, Seen Them 8 Times?

Well maybe it's not time for you to get over them yet! I knew my husband for over a year (at work) before he finally asked me out. He was getting over somebody at the time so I was just a one-of-the-guys good-listener type friend for a LOOOOOONG time. Gradually he stopped pining after this other woman, in fact he became kind of disillusioned with her, when that happened he started thinking of me in a romantic way. And now we've been married 20 years!

So you might be giving up too easily....I'm just sayin. Maybe the person just isn't in the place to start something right now.

[Dem2theMax]

50. Here's a hard way to deal with it.

After six years of loving someone in a way I never thought possible, it was over. The pain I experienced was almost more than I could bear. And I realized that I could never go through that again. So I made a deal with myself. Told self that that was it. No more. Turned my heart into stone and I've been pain free for eight years and counting. Was lonely at first. Now I cherish the fact that I am free and don't ever have to go through that pain again.

Told you it was hard.

[treestar]

52. You can't. You just have to deal with it. Time will eventually take care

of it. In the meantime, using other people is unkind.