"I feel your pain...because I piloted those planes!"

[Ignacio Upton]

"You see, I'm the Clenis, and I have a confession to make: I piloted those planes on 9/11!

"I piloted all four of them simoultaneously with my clenal magic, while Hillary, Saddam, Osama, Ted Kennedy, and Al Gore helped me subdue the passengers.

"I mesmerized NORAAD piolts with my clenal magic so they wouldn't shoot any of the planes down.

"I scared Cheney into his undisclosed location. My wrath is just enormous!

"I terrified Bush into sitting in that classroom for seven minutes with my sheer massive intellect.

"I single-handidly built up Al Qaida while propping up the Free Masons and the Trilateral Commission. I'm a triple threat with regards to conspiracy theories.

"I sent those black helicopters after Hillary's senate opponent, KT McFarland, and I funded Jack Abramoff.

"I encouraged teen oral sex, nuclear proliferation, the filming of Godfather III and Gigli, Hurricane Katrina, and Foley's sex-capades.

"I caused all of this, because, damnit, I PI-LOT-ED those planes!

"...But at least I'm no chimp!"