I just had to give my sis-in-law hell

[VelmaD]

Ok. I have to get this off my chest. She's been driving me nuts all week with her clothes with the rebel flag on them. I didn't say anything to keep the peace. But she used the "n" word just now in the car and I went off. I told her I would ask her nicely not to use it in front of me because "I want to be able to stay friends and I can't do that if she uses that word in front of me".

*sigh*

Now everyone in the family is giving me looks like there's something wrong with ME. We were having such a nice holiday til now.

Somebody hug me, please.

[Tripper11]

1. Here you go Velma

:grouphug:

[JohnKleeb]

2. You want hug?

Here a hug :hug:
Rebel flag suck

[kixot]

3. Just explain it to her like this

Tell her that you're a n*-lover and that you don't tolerate intolerant people. If she has a problem with n*-lovers she can find another family to have Christmas with. That's what I would do.

oh, and :hug:

Happy Noel.


edited to make the post easier on the eyes

[WillParkinson]

4. <<<<<HUG>>>>>

Hope this one helps.

The hardest part of living in a family is the family.

[Cleita]

5. Wow. You don't have to be friends with her.

You do have to tolerate her.:hug: I would nicely tell her that she has said things that offend you when a quiet moment arises. If she asks you why, then tell her what offends you. Remember you don't have to be friends with her, but family sometimes has to be tolerated.

Don't ever let them think they can run over you like a doormat though.

[Booberdawg]

6. Stand your ground

She has to know she is in the wrong. That is obvious.

I'm glad you came to us for support. There is no excuse for using the word. It's rude and offensive and just plain not necessary. Period.

[NightTrain]

7. That's one of the reasons I avoid my relatives at all costs.

They are racist as hell and proud of it. Their attitude is, and this is a direct quote from one of my relatives, "Hey, somebody's gotta keep the tradition going."

[45th Med]

8. Why is your family trippin? Are they Rebs?

Admittedly, I was born in Alabama but I only time I hear the N word is from my friends who are black folk.

[Sugarbleus]

9. Big bear hugs Velma

(((((:grouphug: )))))

I have to go on a long road trip this January (for a trial in another state) with some extended family members who are extremely right wing and bigoted. EEEK They will be in their vehicle, I will be in mine. My vehicle has a few anti-bush bumper stickers on it that will be very inflammatory to them. God help me.

Standing my ground.....Peace/Noel

[Lisa0825]

10. (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

I had my share of fights with my parents over their racist comments. Neither was the type who would ever intentionally harm a human being, but they saw no problem with telling racist jokes, or perpetuating stereotypes.

Good for you for standing up for your beliefs! It's hard, when family is involved, but your conscious will be better for it.

My mom gave me HELL when I dated a black man about a year before she died. We broke up after a few months, and I am sure she was relievd (I was also living with her at the time to help take care of her, so it was a constant source of friction when he called). Shortly after we broke up, my brother started dating a black woman. At first, mom was pissed. Then she got to know her. She warmed up a bit. They got married after only a few months, but mom seemed OK with it. Then Mom got sicker and went to the hospital. Nicole came to visit a few times on her own. My mom was really touched. I think my mom had a breakthrough before she died after only a week in the hospital, and I am grateful for that. I always knew my mom was a good person at heart, and her racism was something learned, that was hard to break. I am really happy she rejected that sentiment in the end, and came to love her new daughter-in-law for the short time she knew her. My brother's wedding was the last thing my mom left the house for, aside from checking into the hospital.

To close a long story... I am glad you spoke your mind, and maybe someday she'll change. as my mom proves, it's never too late to see the light.

[Cheswick2.0]

11. Wow Velma, that is hard to take

I know how hard it is to stand up to that kind of thing. But as long as you do it kindly but firmly they will respect you. Deep down inside they know their bigotry is wrong.

((((((hugs)))))))

[AnnabelLee]

12. Don't ya just love it

when you bite your tongue & bite your tongue & bite your tongue...then you finally speak out, not in an hysterical way, but you let them know that you don't want to hear it anymore. All of the sudden, you're the bad guy. I sympathize, & applaud you for telling your sister-in-law how you feel.

[cally]

13. (((((hug)))))) for doing the what's correct

I'm sorry everyone else is annoyed at you but you are wonderful to stand up against racism. :hug:

[leftist_rebel1569]

14. One very big hug from me...

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I hope it gets better for ya soon :hi:

[proud patriot]

15. Hugs ... Good for you

:thumbsup:

[eileen from OH]

16. Ya can change yourself, but ya can't change others

so all you can do, realistically, is to avoid anything which gives an approbation, or tacit approval of her behavior.

In other words, don't argue, but DO walk away. Make a statement by your silence. Smiling, friendly, don't take her on, but, when it's most effective - walk away. YOU have to decide what you CAN do and what you CAN'T.

If that sounds like walking away from a fight, so be it. Think about
your "audience" - i.e., your family. Do you want to convince HER, or would you rather persuade the rest of your family?

Seems to me that you have a lot to gain from being the "grownup" and that you can make her look like a complete idiot, by your "wise" silence.

eileen from OH

[Aristus]

17. Hug from me always, sweetie.

((((((((((VelmaD))))))))))

[Bundbuster]

18. Declare a NO - BULLSHIT zone

About a month ago at the driving range a freeper/xenophobe starting spewing about unpatriotic critics of shrub's war, and I went off ballistic on him. He's a big County Repuke party chairman, an attorney who should know better, and carries around Ann Coulter handouts in his car. I told him that it's "educated" people like him who've knowingly infected my country with fear, hate, racism, and class warfare. Told him (among other things)about the "fighting words" law which says that he has no right to invade my privacy zone, questioning my patriotism or loyalty unless he wants a golf club wrapped around his neck. Just like all classic neocon bullies, once his shit is called out he's a slithering coward, and about 20 people who'd stopped hitting balls during my rage watched him slink away without a word.

I've declared a no-bullshit zone around my space, and let me tell you it feels good and right when you do it.

[Santaclaus]

19. You'll never hear Santa say this otherwise but.....Fuck her

I don't know what her problem is, but I'm giving her some coal!

[FloridaJudy]

20. Virtual hug winging its way to you...

:hug:

I also lost it today; a colleague kept ranting about how GLBT people were "sinful and unnatural", and I'd finally had enough. I rounded on her with "Look, I'm a tree-hugging, gun-confiscating, gay-loving liberal. Do you have a *problem* with that?" She's also the one who earlier told me that "God doesn't want the races to mix", to which I answered "Fine. Just don't expect to be invited to my family reunions..."

Sheesh. Where do these people get the idea that everyone else should share their bigotry?

Repeat hugs as needed.

:hug:

[SuffragetteSal]

21. There is nothing wrong with you

only the so called lady your brother chose to marry. Good god almighty! F#(((K em. That is just awful you have to put u< with crap like that. I have told people I have had to work with that used the 'n' word plain and simple "I find that kind of talk offensive"! "Don't do it around me again!". Most people with any manners at all will apologize for being so insensitive.[br />
Hugs, hugs, big bear hugs to you VelmaD. :)

[wanderingbear]

22. Welcome to the left..This is a framiliar experiance.

[Dookus]

23. (((HUG)))

People here are too nice - must be the whole xmas spirit thing. I would tell her ONCE that that word is unacceptable. If I heard her use it again, she'd be out of my life. End of story.

If the family questioned me, I'd tell them the truth - life's too short to spend it with racists. And if THEY didn't like it, I'd tell them to go to hell, too.

[VelmaD]

24. Thank you to everyone...

who responded with hugs and advice. I wasn't able to get back online last night and let you know what happened. (My net access is really spotty while I'm at the parents' house.)

Anyway, she and I talked about it last night. She tried to pull the crap on me about how it didn't have anything to do with him being black - that it was about how he behaved (beating up her friend's little girl). She said she would have called him that no matter what race he was and I called "bullshit" on her. Brought up how people are always saying that but somehow it's still just black people that actually get called that name. :eyes:

She tried that whole "I have lots of black friends" thing too, which is admittedly true. So I brought up that she would NEVER call one of them the "N" word. And well, that person she used it about has friends and family too - how does she think they feel abou it. Got a long, thoughtful look.

Finally I asked her to think about the people she hears who use that word a lot - what does she think they sound like. They sound like ignorant racist idiots and if she doesn't think of herself that way and doesn't want to be percieved that way then she might want to NOT use that word.

Again, thanks everyone for the love. :grouphug: I was feeling really down about this place after Will got run off and now I remember again why I come here. :-) Love you all. Happy holidays.

[bearfan454]

27. Will got run off ?

What happened ?

[VelmaD]

28. Long story...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=132&topic_id=20423

I was apoplectic. IfI ever get my hands on the person who contacted his boss I cannot guarantee that I will be a good human being. :evilgrin:

Happy Holidays to you though and to all of clan bearfan. :-)

[Padraig18]

25. Hugs from Chicago!

Lucky she didn't say it around my Granny: my uncle said it once, and she slapped him for it (and he was about 40-something, at the time).

[bearfan454]

26. Big hug from me VelmaD.

Merry Christmas.

[gator_in_Ontario]

29. Here's a BIG hug...

from someone who has walked in your shoes. Pray for her in her ignorance *S*

[SOteric]

30. Oh no!

Another :hug: for your collection.

You're the best, VelmaD. It's all about what you know is right.

[LanternWaste]

31. Try this....

Try this...it may be a tad disengenuous, but I've found it effective with friends of mine who act the same way:

"We are in a war right now AND today is Christmas. This day, of all days and these times, of all times, should be where we put away our petty squabblings and interpretations and come together as a ONE free people, celebrating our freedoms without advertising those things which divide us.

No soldier in Iraq is wearing a Confederate armpatch on his uniform, he is wearing an American flag. There are no Ni**er's fighting for our freedoms in Iraq, there are only soldiers fighting and dying for you and for me, not for The South."

O-kay, I'm the first to admit that I wanted to barf when I used that line last night, but it worked and the evening was saved. :)

[VelmaD]

34. Thank you

That was wonderful. :hug:

[Skittles]

32. UGH

YOU SHOULD KICK HER ASS. When my car was in the shop, a coworker gave me a ride to work. He yelled "F***ING N******" at some schmuck who cut him off in traffic. My heart about stopped, I was beside myself. Absolutely freaking shocking. I certainly let him know what I thought of such ugliness. It makes you feel sick Velma, right? It sure did me.

[FDRrocks]

33. Is your brother a bigot?

Or how the hell does he put up with that?