Breaking news: Air Force Denies UFO Crash Report

[bain_sidhe]

For Immediate Release:

AIR FORCE DENIES STORIES OF UFO CRASH

Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Isidis Planitia today. Appearing at a press conference, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke early today when a major stationed at nearby Isidis Planitia Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidents involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris.

Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

(Editor's note: It should be noted that this story is virtually identical to a report circulated in 1997, although the alleged UFO sighting at that time was in the area of Ares Vallis. According to conspiracy theorists, the astounding similarity is merely further proof of the government's ongoing cover-ups of alien landings.)

[RecoveringAsshole]

1. It's a faith-based cover-up

[bain_sidhe]

6. Well, we'll never know now

At a press conference concluded just moments ago, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that the "weather balloon" was destroyed on impact, and denounced as "rumors, lies and innuendo" any reports that the balloon had survived its landing and that the govenment had subsequently dismantled it in a secret underground facility attached to Isidis Planitia Air Force Base.

**edit: it's "its", not "it's"**

[RecoveringAsshole]

7. I say we set up an operation at Gitmo and investigate this!

Call Asscrofft at once!

[bain_sidhe]

8. which Asscrofft?

Asscrofft the Dumber or Asscrofft the Dumberer?

[RecoveringAsshole]

9. Yes

[Droopy]

2. So did we land on Mars again?

I think I heard a story about us sending another probe out that way.

Cute story, btw.

[tbeatty]

3. Europe sent a probe

but it is not talking back as it should be after attempting to land.

[7th_Sephiroth]

4. if this is true

this is why we arent hearing from beagle, keep it quiet in the sci-fi circles

[RecoveringAsshole]

10. It was LIHOP

SHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[MGKrebs]

5. Hehe. Thanks!

[HamstersFromHell]

11. Now they will have no choice...

...but to trace the source of the alien attack and retaliate!

Thank goodness we have Slim Whitman!