Gay 2004 membership drive gearing up! Volunteers needed!

[Cannikin]

Its that time again, mo's! Its time for us to get out there and convert those straights! Our numbers were at a record high last year and we're hoping to do even better this year!
This year we are armed with all new disinformation to confuse and hide the realities of homosexuality. This years siminars will include:

*Gay sex and the spontaneous generation of disease: Sticking with
the lie.
*Morality Bites: Doing whatever feels good.
*Destruction of marriage: How to bring down society by
exchanging vows with your parter.
*Christina Aguilera's couture: The year in review
*Lesbians and the art of the bi-level haircut

And dont forget, we have the new leaflet ready for printing and distributing to high-schools and boy scout troops called '100 reasons to be gay':

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=111&topic_id=14710

This years bumper stickers are ready and include:

Drop the b@#ch and make the switch!
Its not to late to not be straight!
and
Its a faaabulous day to CHOOSE to be gay!

I wanna hear the sound of high-heels hitting the pavement! Get out there, girlfriend, and get those breeders!!

GO MO!



Sorry everyone...I'm venting my stress through satire. When things get this bad, I have to just sit back and laugh or go mad!








:loveya:

[Booberdawg]

1. I thought you offered toasters or something as an incentive

And don't I get something if I switch? - a free pizza coupon or something? Diet Pepsi discounts?

I don't want to get married anyway. So maybe I'm fine the way I am. Where's the incentive? :shrug:

[vptpt]

5. Toaster OVENS

There's a difference.

[booley]

2. hey, I got another recruit

when do I get my toaster oven?

[radfringe]

3. if I recruit 2

do I get a toaster oven and a coffee pot?

[beyurslf]

38. Coffe? Oh sweetie you get a faaaaabUlous

espresso maker. Every sister needs one.

[Spider Jerusalem]

4. If I convert...

does this mean I'll finally be able to colouir-coordinate and instinctively understand the arcana of interior design? And will I have to start buying Judy Garland and Bette Midler CDs?

[xchrom]

6. judy is a must

unfortunately as far as dressing and interior design go -- if you come late to the party -- you have to undergo training.
we have workshops of various durations to suit your schedule.
after you will be required to appear at a gay night club and present your best version of ''it's raining men'' as your favorite diva.
lesbians do ''one more for the road'' as their favorite male heart throb.
you will be judged on a scale from 1 to 10.
the prize will be a real hair wig or side burns depending on gender.

[Spider Jerusalem]

7. Damn.

And me with this baritone voice. Guess I'll have to take lessons. Some of the queens at one of the local drag clubs could help with that, I guess...

[xchrom]

8. we have 24 hour help lines

and free tweezers for those eyebrows.

[terrya]

9. We will send the Fab 5 from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" to your place

To help you get started. :-)

[xchrom]

10. aren't they organizing regional

fab 5 teams -- seems i got a flyer in the mail about that.

[terrya]

16. Yes, they are.

More info to come!

[beyurslf]

39. Fortunately, YES.

You can choose, however, from Judy, Babs, Bette, Cher, and Madonna depending on your age and likes. (You must LIKE them all but only have to LOVE one.)

Additionally, you will now spend on clothes, accessories, and skin care what you used to spend on rent.

[jmowreader]

44. And Streisand CDs. It's required.

But I absolutely REFUSE to wear mauve!

[ret5hd]

11. What happens if I just tell you I switched...

collect my toaster OVEN , get help w/ fashion tips, etc...then you find out it was all a lie, that i was really a closet hetero?

[thom1102]

12. That's what we like to call Metrosexuals...

Filthy bastards! Screwing with what is otherwise perfectly good Gaydar!

[ret5hd]

14. But I really NEED a toaster oven...

(and fashion tips)

[Andy_Stephenson]

20. Metrosexuals

aren't they closet straights? :eyes:

[beyurslf]

40. Metrosexuals should be rounded up and sent to an island alone

until they learn to like gay sex like the rest of us.

[Le Taz Hot]

13. Ahem! I'm STILL waiting

for official confirmation. I was named an "honorary lesbian" a couple of years ago and nuthin'! No toaster oven, no secret decoder ring and I STILL haven't learned that secret handshake. I just wanna know when my probationary period is over. I feel so used! B-)

[Bronco69]

15. I'm sure they are running a VERY thorough

background check. Give it time. :-)

[xchrom]

17. have you sung ''one more for the road''

dressed as frank sinatra in front miss tina trailer park and celebrity judges? at a bar -- of course.

[Le Taz Hot]

23. No, but

if you hum a few bars . . .

Sorry. It's early.

[thom1102]

19. I will refer the matter to the Commisioner of Lesbian Affairs...

I am sure she will get right on it

[Andy_Stephenson]

18. I have my Cha Cha heels on and

await my marching orders.

[Bertha Venation]

21. oh, no, no, no, no . . .

Please kill "lesbians & the bi-level haircut" -- Dude Cannikin, there are far more mullets on men in certain regions of the U.S. than there are on lesbians anywhere.

BTW, Canny, whyever are you so stressed? It's not as if we're told our marriages aren't marriages. It's not as if we're told we seek destruction of all that is good in the world. It's not as if we're beaten and murdered for something we neither chose nor could change. . . . oh. Yes it is.

Well, that's different then.

Never mind.

[Cannikin]

28. I've got to give you that one, Bertha

I'm from Arkansas so I can definately back up that mullet claim! hehe

[blondeatlast]

22. Sometimes I think I have the heart of a gay man, but I'm a

straight happily married woman. Is there help out there for me?

I mean, I love "Queer Eye" (but not "Will and Grace"--retch :puke:)
Judy, the Weather Girls, decorating, dressing to the 9s, Cole Porter, and show tunes. I can do a mean Ros Russell in "Gypsy."

The first step is admitting I need help, I know, but I'm not entirely sure I do?! Is there hope for me? Where, exactly, do I belong???

BTW, I want a KitchenAid mixer, dammit. You can't have me until I get one (and the counter space as well)!

Spiritual guidance, please . . .

Great post, btw. ROFLMAO!

edit: pathetic typing

edit: ditto, dammit!

[thom1102]

26. "BTW, I want a KitchenAid mixer, dammit..."

I must have been an especially good homo this year, because under the tree this year santa left me a 5 quart, Artesian, KitchenAid mixer, Onyx Black to match the jars on my ample countertop :evilgrin:.

Not to mention the first season of Smallville on DVD with HOT-TIE Tom Welling, shirtless and helpless on the cover... rrrrrreow! And tickets to see Avenue Q. Santa must have a thing for me or something!

[blondeatlast]

27. So I didn't get a KA because I'm straight? That's it--I'm with you. BUT,

can I be a queer guy--I just can't see myself in a mullet singing "one For the Road."

I can see myself singing "It's Raining Men" in 4 inch heels and a spangled DG ensem.

Sheesh--my hubby is in for a big surprise.

I'm coming out--

As a GAY MAN.

[jmowreader]

45. You know you can mix grout in that thing, right?

We have one at my printing company. Printer's ink is the consistency of peanut butter, so when we make a custom color we throw the ingredients in a Kitchen Aid mixer, turn it on and come back in fifteen minutes to a bowl of perfectly blended ink.

I have one at home, but my wife has promised to kill me if I mix concrete in it.

[beyurslf]

41. You're going to have to work your ass off to get a

kitchenaid. Those pink caddy's don't come easy in mary kay and we aren't all about giving out the big stuff either.

[blondeatlast]

42. Oh, dear.

[Padraig18]

24. Is there a prize for the most conversions?

Do we get a pink Cadillac, like the Mary Kay peopledo, or a date with Leo D, or something? :P

[Bertha Venation]

25. I'll give you a prize if you can convert a friend of mine

she's in a miserable marriage and I think she'd have soooo much fun as a lesbian....

(Just in case anyone thinks I'm serious, I'm not. Don't flame me.)

But Paddy, I'll give you a prize just for being you if you ever visit Washington, DC: a free stay at Pushovers' Bed & Breakfast. :7

[Padraig18]

29. Hehe!

Thank you for the invitation; if I am ever there, I shall accept, with pleasure. :)

[Bertha Venation]

30. Excellent!

Glad to hear it.

[Skittles]

32. I WISH I WAS A LESBIAN, BERTHA

OH INDEED I DO. My track record with men is freaking PITIFUL. So far, all efforts to convert me have been unsuccessful. And I spent four years in the military! :7

[Bertha Venation]

34. Well, Skittles, if you're ever in the DC area...

... stop on by. I'll hook you up w/ my friend Dana. She already has four platinum toaster ovens!

[Skittles]

31. THEY TRAVEL IN PAIRS

there is always a gay duo showing up on my doorstep, waxing on about the benefits of the homosexual lifestyle and offering me toasters and savings bonds as incentives. YES INDEED.

[cosmicdot]

33. ergo, code talk a friend of mine used when spotting such pairs ...

"dos mas" - "two more"

he liked to have fun speaking Spanish .... we'd be here or there, and 'a pair' would be spotted ... and, a simple "dos mas" said it all ...

`````````````````````````

[blondeatlast]

35. Didn't know you lived in my neighborhood! They have left

a pink, glittering path to my door. Also one dripping with hair tonic and axle grease.

I love this thread!

[blondeatlast]

36. And they dress better than the Mormons.

Better free literature, too!

[Cannikin]

37. Oh my...

I just read my post and now that its daylight and I'm sober (I did it at 3am...and I have an Arkansas public education) I see all of my spelling errors!
I'm glad everyone is enjoying it!:crazy:

[TrogL]

43. Does any of this actually work?

certainly didn't for me. I pursued a guy all the way through high school and .... nothing ... absolutely nothing.

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

[Selwynn]

46. What is Morality Bites: doing whatever feels good actually about?

Is the argument really what anything that feels good is ok? I'm sure I'm being dumb here and missing the point.