Have you ever finally felt close enough to someone

[idgiehkt]

to tell them something really personal, and then when you did it changed the nature of the relationship for the negative, unexpectedly? Like you thought they could handle it, and instead it changed their opinion of you?

:cry: :cry: :cry:

Am I the only one that has ever made this stupid mistake?

How do you know when to disclose stuff and when to keep it inside?

[Nicole]

1. Yes

I avoid it now by not disclosing anything too personal.

[idgiehkt]

2. thank you for your answer

Apparently I have learned the hard, very hard way this time. So good to see you, Nicole. :hi:

[Nicole]

5. It's a hard lesson to learn

I said I don't disclose anything too personal now, that's not entirely true. I should have said I don't disclose anything too personal until I'm close enough to the person that we are sharing a bed. More than once.



Good to see you too idgie. :hi:

[idgiehkt]

6. Sigh

I suppose that's a good policy. I hate witholding stuff from people but I am not going through this again, ever.

[Nicole]

13. Hugs

I hate witholding stuff too. I used to be an open book. But like you, I never want to go through that again, ever. So I keep my mouth shut most of the time & I avoid the pic threads like the plague. Except for the legs one. :rofl:


:hug:

[idgiehkt]

15. I saw that and it made me chuckle

And I have never forgotten your warning to me when I first came around and you have been right in so many ways and I cannot thank you enough, and I just thank the powers that be that we exchanged pm's before I did anything stupid.

[SPKrazy]

44. I Like The Legs One!

especially the Nicole legs and feet and shoes special

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

42. That Can Make Sense

it also keeps people at a distance

but, over time, you get to know people better, they can become people you can trust.

:hug:

[unsavedtrash]

3. coming out has been like that for me.

Hopefully your friend will come around. It is so hard to trust but don't give up.

[idgiehkt]

8. I'm sorry

When I came out I was full of fire and brimstone and didn't care. Now that I consider myself bi really don't bother disclosing much about myself to anyone anymore, unless it's on a public message board where the whole world can see it, lol. :shrug:

[barb162]

4. It happens to everyone I bet.

Maybe if you feel vulnerable right now about this last experience, let the other person go first the next time.

[idgiehkt]

9. you are right.

I've been blessed thus far. It's late in life for me to feel totally fucked over by someone else's reaction. Guess my number came up. :shrug:

[zanne]

23. I have a need to disclose to people I've grown close to.

When I'm getting close to someone, I have a need to tell them ALL about me. No doubt, it puts some people off, but if they stay, they're real keepers. It lets me know if someone is really my friend.

[idgiehkt]

36. that is how I am

only because I was feeling comfortable enough.

Hell, I don't know why I'm complaining, really, I guess I'm due for a disappointment, it's been a long time.

[jpgray]

7. What sort of information? As a male, I know the Junior High school variety

The sweaty-palm-creased note left on the object of admiration's desk ten mintues before the last bell. :D

edit: And yes, I was able to restrain myself in junior high from such behavior. My combination of insecurity and vanity was good for some things.

[idgiehkt]

10. grown-up stuff.

I am pretty reticent about stuff across the board. Have I posted a picture here? No. Have I pm'd any pictures to anyone? No. I mean, I'm private. So I was really, really comfortable. Error in judgment. :(

[Elidor]

11. It's one way to find out who your real friends are

The ones who respond negatively, you don't need anyway. The ones who deal with it like true friends are worth sorting through some chaff to find. We all do this.

[idgiehkt]

14. good to know

because this is a first time for me. Thanks, you are right about true friendship.

[orleans]

12. both a friend of mine and myself have done that (not with each other--

maybe that's why we're still friends after over 30 years)

but we've talked about this and we refer to it as feeling as if we've been emotionally raped. whatever the rationale was when we coined the term for ourselves (where you're left feeling empty, exposed, dirty, filled with regret)

this was also in situations where we would reveal something so terribly important and personal and the other person could have given a shit (by responding coldly, mockingly, etc)

if i'm understanding you right then i would say that a lot of people probably have done it, and some of us--in a moment of trust--still do. (and continue to live to regret it)

[idgiehkt]

16. that would be the feeling, yes

So I misjudged. Onward and fucking upward, I guess, is the motto. Perhaps this was just a test run and I'll know from here on out to keep it to myself, until a point in the relationship at which it won't matter anymore. Thanks for your very thoughtful post, you are a great listener (reader?).

[orleans]

17. you're welcome. n/t

[jgraz]

18. Disclosure does not equal intimacy

You can be intimate with someone without needing to disclose all your secrets from the past. It's not a betrayal of trust to keep your past private. I've been on the receiving end of information that I wish the person hadn't disclosed, and it's tough on both parties.

By the way, don't beat yourself up with this "stupid mistake" stuff. EVERYBODY does this at one point or another. The fact that you're self aware and thinking about it means that you'll likely learn more from the experience than most people.

good luck!

[idgiehkt]

31. Thanks

"I've been on the receiving end of information that I wish the person hadn't disclosed, and it's tough on both parties."

I'd never thought of it like that but I guess so. Wow, live and learn. I've just always felt like a liar if I didn't tell people stuff. It feels funy to withold stuff but I guess it's necessary.

[BarenakedLady]

19. Yes

I'm sorry that it happened to you. :hug:

[idgiehkt]

33. thanks BNL

onward and upward, eh?

:hug:

[BarenakedLady]

38. Yup

Live and learn? I guess. Accept and move on (which is very, very hard and painful). :hug:

[SPKrazy]

43. ...

Sucks don't it!

:hug:

[buddhamama]

20. i haven't experienced it myself

i am extremely private though, and keep my personal life- past and present- just that, personal.

it can take me years before i feel comfortable enough with someone to open up and expose myself, to completely trust them.

i have been fortunate thus far to have trusted in the right people.

i am sorry you have experienced it.
you must have felt comfortable with this person to open and expose yourself in this manner, and they must have given you a reason to believe you could trust them, in that sense they have betrayed the trust you placed in them. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[idgiehkt]

27. Thanks Buddhamama

I think I just deluded myself
Wouldn't be the first time.

[Deep13]

21. Depends what it is.

If it is something subjective it is one thing, but if it is something like a criminal record or a disease, he or she needs to know about it or else that person will feel deceived.

[idgiehkt]

28. lol, I've never had a criminal record or a disease either one

I walk a narrow path.

[Deep13]

39. Well, that's good.

Don't know what could be that shocking to reveal, then.

"I'm a cat person." Alert the authorities!

"I enjoy '80s hair bands." My God, why?!

"Sometimes I drink milk right from the bottle." The horror! The horror!

[Haole Girl]

22. Yes, that has happened to me...

...it's very painful...very painful. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[idgiehkt]

34. moreso

because I feel judged. Unfairly. And I don't like the feeling of being looked down upon. And I want to DO something to FIX it. But there is nothing to be done, and anything I did would probably make it worse. Good to know people here understand. :hug: back.

[SPKrazy]

46. ...

When receive criticism, look in the mirror and ask yourself, in what ways could this be true?

If you find there is truth, change it.

If you find nothing there that resembles what has been said, then figure it is about the other person's own shit, and not about yours.

You don't have to FIX anything. You can't make people love you. They can't make you love them.

You are loveable, and are loved by people, and some people can't love.

did that make any sense?

I've wrestled with this one for many years. Recently as well.

:hug: :loveya:

[crispini]

24. Interesting. No, I can't say I've had that happen to me,

and now I'm wondering why. I mean, BESIDES the "I'm liking you, but WHOOPS, you're not liking me" conversations, which I have had, but I don't think you mean.

In a lot of ways it's because I'm very open-book. What you see is what you get: a very artistic, liberal, openminded, creative type. I don't pretend to be anything but what I am, and I don't even START to get close to people who don't have some idea about the general parameters of my life. If people don't like who I am, well, fuck 'em, let's not even go down that road.

But I'm also a big believer in "the right information at the right time," for example if I give someone a "hint" about "behaviour X" and they don't respond favorably, then I don't go any further down that road. I also don't believe in un-necessary disclosures; like when I was 21 it seemed dreadfully important to have a "full relationship history" on someone I was dating at some point. That no longer seems important to me AT ALL, and I don't quite know why. :shrug:

[idgiehkt]

35. yep

on your last point, I agree. Now, lol.

[FedUpWithIt All]

25. ...

:hug: I'm sorry about what your going through.

This hasn't happened to me here yet...at least not that i have noticed. But it has happened to me off here a few times. I have never been good at changing myself and my openness for self preservation and to be honest, i don't really want to. If someone treats me different because they have learned a little bit more about me or because i have shared something with them...they are not WORTH me changing myself. They are someone who did not really care about the REAL me. It does not have to be quiet whispered things that cause someone to behave like this, it can happen about things clearly out in the open. It is just that the whispered things hurt more, it was a gift given and not appreciated.

I am ok with who i am, the good the bad and the learning. Even if some do not accept all the parts that make up me there are others who will. And more importantly...value and cherish them.

If you shared something and the one you shared with behaved differently toward you...could not accept you for who you are, the fault lies with them idgiehkt. They expect something for themselves (Acceptance and the right to be an individual)that they are unwilling to give to others. The fault does not lie with you simply and honestly being yourself. Being less open may protect you from hurt...just be careful the cost (possible mistrust of others and fear of intimacy)does not become so great as to out weigh the protections sought.

:hug: I think your great if it is any consolation. ;)

[idgiehkt]

29. thanks Fed

"They are someone who did not really care about the REAL me."

I guess so. Better to find out the sooner, I guess. Thanks so much for your kind words.

[SPKrazy]

45. ...

So true my friend...

If people can't handle the real you, then it's about them and not you.

It is important to have boundaries, but when you've been sharing things back and forth and suddenly someone freaks out about (after saying that they couldn't be freaked out by anything)

Had it happen here.

Then, it's about them.

Period.

End of story.

In my opinion.

Still throwing rocks, packed arm in ice ROFL

:hug: :loveya:

[miss_american_pie]

26. Yes

It's particularly bad when it's a family member. I'm sorry it happened to you. :hug:

[idgiehkt]

30. thanks

glad to see you around, been missing you. :hug:

[Lyric]

32. There are some secrets that can only be accepted

by someone who loves you unconditionally, and has made a lasting commitment to you.

I learned that the hard way too, but thankfully I have someone now who knows all of my deepest secrets and loves me even more because I trusted her enough to tell her.

[idgiehkt]

37. that sounds wonderful

I am really happy for you. I realized something this morning as I was thinking about all this, that every relationship I've ever had where the other person was crazy about me from the jump was a decent, relatively sane relationship, and the people were good and moral people; even to this day I feel they are good and moral people and I was lucky to have them in my life for the time I did. But every time I've been in a situation where I thought the other person was lukewarm and I felt like I had to chase them and jump up and down waving my arms to get them just to notice me (exactly three times in my life) ended up being a totally fucked up situation that I regretted down to the chronology of seconds out of my life that I wasted even thinking about them. And the ones where I knew the person wanted me completely, I would have been able to disclose anything without fear.

I'm glad you have finally found unconditional love. It is rare. I wish I'd figured this out a lot sooner in my life. I just hope it's not to late for me and that God had at least one more good, loving person lined up for me when the time is right.

[crispini]

40. OMG.... Been there, done that, got the shirt.

I am so NEVER, EVER EVER getting into any kind of relationship again where I feel like I am chasing somebody. I used to feel like, "Oh, well, I'm a liberated woman, it's a new era, you can chase if you want, and hey, he's maybe shy, or maybe he's sort of socially awkward, or he just needs encouraging, or he's been burned and needs the healing love of a good woman." Uh, NO. The ones that come together and are RIGHT are the ones where they do some of the work too, where they pick up on your signals and it's like dancing together or something, you know, it's just clicky-clicky. Not the ones where you really like the other person BUT that person is forever a bit aloof, and you're always feeling like you have to WORK for it.

Oh, but... big disclaimer... I did have one guy that chased the heck out of me and he turned out to be Possessive Stalker Boy, so it's not ALWAYS true, but luckily he gave himself away early and I was able to get out of it fairly easily. I mean, you KNOW there's no point when they get unreasonably jealous when you go out to lunch with your male coworkers. That's just ridiculous.

[idgiehkt]

49. excuse me, waiter, can we have this bronzed and hung on the wall?

So incredibly right on the money. The feminism stuff does make it a little confusing. My only hesistancy is that some men who are on the autism spectrum do not pick up signals and are otherwise socially awkward. They can be brilliant 50 different other ways, but sometimes have trouble in the dept. of romance. They are also not turned off by assertiveness in women and will respond to it differently than a so-called 'NT' (neuro-typical) male. So there is that caveat. Thanks for stating that so eloquently.

[buddhamama]

48. interested how, romantically?

i was speaking of relationships in general when i posted up-thread, and for whatever assumed you were close to this person already.

i am fortunate to have a few friends in my life who love me unconditionally, and i them.
i have had S.O.s, too. (it is why we are friends to this day)

it is wrong however, to blame someone for not feeling for you what you feel for them,
or manipulating them emotionally. if you told them whatever it is you told simply because you trusted in them and wanted to share intimate knowledge of yourself, that's one thing.

but if told this thing thinking it would change the nature of their feelings for you, that's wrong.

people are free to feel what they want. love is nothing if not given freely.
it is unfair to place expectations on others or to manipulate them into feeling something for you. this is most certainly true of romantic feelings/relationships.

[idgiehkt]

50. good points to ponder, Buddhamama

"it is unfair to place expectations on others or to manipulate them into feeling something for you".

I'm not sure I understand how it is possible to manipulate someone into feeling something. I guess I don't want to know, truthfully. I am finding dealing with disclosure about the past hard enough to deal with.

[SPKrazy]

41. ...

Yeah

been there

done that

sucks

don't know, set boundaries, take it slow, ask them if it's okay to disclose things

Still even doing those things, sometimes people freak out and it's about them and not you Idg.

:hug:

[idgiehkt]

51. I just feel like I'm lying

I just have to change.

[crim son]

47. I'm an open book almost always.

I am certain that it prompts some people to keep their distance from me but it's the only way I know how to be. :shrug:

[idgiehkt]

52. I know

And I appreciate that. That is why we clicked so well and I think that that is why I feel so close to you. I am the same way, but it doesn't always have a positive outcome.

[BarenakedLady]

53. I wish I could hide my feelings

I wish they came with an on/off switch. Or if I could fake it, it would make my life so much easier.

[Broken_Hero]

54. yes,

I've done that 4 times, felt really dumb afterwards, but it was a gamble sharing that sort of feeling/emotion, but after time...I think I did the right thing, at the moment.

[Call Me Wesley]

55. Locking.

Per the OP's request.

Call Me Wesley
DU Moderator