Punchlines to bad jokes. I'll start: Free ham.

[bif]

[Guava Jelly]

1. See thats how you wave a towel!

:7

[AllegroRondo]

2. the bassoon burns longer

[SKKY]

3. A magician has a cunning array of stunts!

[lildreamer316]

46. Laughed my ass off on that one.

I remember that.

[Xipe Totec]

54. Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

[Hippo_Tron]

115. I've head that punchline minus the magician I think

[Rabrrrrrr]

4. The clown can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to go

[Zhade]

112. I call... bullshit?

No way - is that REALLY a joke?

[Kutjara]

118. I think I remember hearing that on a STNG episode.

You don't hear the rest of the joke, just the punchline as one of the characters enters the range of the conversation.

[Kutjara]

119. self delete

wrong place.

[RetroLounge]

5. A Frayed Knot

RL

[Patiod]

37. Hey! That's mine!

You stole it! What are you, a string?

[lildreamer316]

47. Mine too,

I had to pick another one. Damn.

[RetroLounge]

52. I steal from the best...

:hi:

RL

[InternalDialogue]

6. "I'm not surprised, at those prices."

[PVnRT]

7. If that's my rectal thermometer, where's my wife?

n/t

[HughBeaumont]

8. Only if she jogs on my sofa.

[BikeWriter]

9. No, but the last man who was in there was.

[JackBeck]

10. We're all going to Dallas! We're all going to Dallas!

[philosophie_en_rose]

11. The Aristocrats!

[MrCoffee]

12. Swim for it

[mikeytherat]

13. Liquor? I don't even know her!

mikey_the_rat

[Orsino]

14. "If you can find my keys, we can drive out of here." n/t

[pdx_prog]

15. Ok, but don't put my head in the fence like that

or....

The blonde stood up and said, "I will, just don't hit me in the head like that."

[meegbear]

16. Rectum? Almost killed him!

[hfojvt]

17. How many is a Brazilian?

There I was, sitting in this refrigerator.

[BikeWriter]

18. Madam, 1945 hours was only an hour ago!

[underpants]

19. THIS , is Umgawa

[SteppingRazor]

20. You think I wished for a 10-inch pianist? n/t

[BikeWriter]

21. So the dog asks, "Dimaggio?"

[InternalDialogue]

22. No. We don't even have the boat in the water yet.

[BikeWriter]

23. "If she aint good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for us!"

[slj0101]

24. "No thanks. I had that for lunch."

[BikeWriter]

25. "It makes the kids laugh."

[Connonym]

26. No, with her knife

[Redbear]

27. You just don't know how to tell a joke

[BikeWriter]

28. "No, I said she's fuck'n Goofy!"

[BikeWriter]

29. "Don't tell the boss I talk, he'll have me answering the phones, too."

[mopinko]

30. he points to his head and says- see? kidneys!

i sure wish i could remember the rest of that joke.

[MrCoffee]

31. They both have handlebars, except for the orange.

[lildreamer316]

48. I wanna hear this one.

Please?

[jberryhill]

77. Just a guess

How is a bicycle like an orange.

[ContraBass Black]

32. George Bush!

[Rambis]

33. Because he wanted a hot rod (nm)

x

[datasuspect]

34. "the taste"

[redqueen]

38. love your sig pic!

:hi:

[datasuspect]

39. thanks!

i like your avatar. i always did though. reminds of me of my nephew. we used to watch that cartoon together.

[scarlet_owl]

35. "You were supposed to put the potato in the FRONT".

[leftofthedial]

36. and a busload of nuns!

[Patiod]

40. "I did. And tomorrow I'm taking him to the ballgame!"

[Oeditpus Rex]

41. 'And the elephant got up and opened the window'

[edbermac]

42. George W Bush

A bad joke indeed...x(

[Crabby Appleton]

43. but with a dandelion!

[Blue-Jay]

44. "How do you think THIS shit got started?"

[lildreamer316]

45. Barbtiuate.

Looooooooooove that joke.

[LSK]

49. How many is a brazilian?

[dipsydoodle]

50. It's your turn in the barrell

[Elidor]

51. "I don't know, but if that trucker doesn't show up in the next ten minutes..."

"I'm taking that bald-headed fucker down at the end of the bar.

[madeline_con]

53. "You're not in it for the hunt, are you?" n/t

[NoPasaran]

55. "Twenty bucks, Father. Same as downtown."

[Deja Q]

56. Your ham, my cheese. Care to make a sandwich? Where's the miracle whip?

:rofl:

[rurallib]

57. "where the fugawi?" And then there's

"key-key-key-rist it's cold"

[gmoney]

58. "You can't hear a vitamin." (n/t)

[gmoney]

59. "He had a hat!" (n/t)

[Redbear]

60. Uh, Mr. President ... I believe it's pronounced "keesh"

[ironflange]

61. If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof,

shoot that damn dog quick as hell!

[ironflange]

62. Here's another one

May God bless you, and may He watch over the United States of America.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

63. Would one of you bastards say sumthin?

[Manifestor_of_Light]

64. The viola burns longer

[Manifestor_of_Light]

65. No one cries when you chop up a viola

[KitchenWitch]

66. How many is a brazillion?

[bullwinkle428]

67. "Buddy...you're gonna die!"

reference: the "snake" joke!

[bullwinkle428]

68. "Okay...where's the girl that needs her tooth pulled?"

[badgerpup]

69. "...timing!"*

In a related joke...
"Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Impatient Cow."
"Impatient Co.." "MOOOOOO!
:rofl:




*my late Dad's favorite joke...

[Evoman]

70. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

BADDDDDDD

[blitzen]

71. "Si, senor. We had lunch together."

[Hardrada]

72. Walk that way? If I had to walk that way I'd need talcum powder!

[Jamastiene]

73. Boy, you got a panty on your head.

I don't know why, but I woke up thinking about that line from "Raising Arizona" and could figure out no other way to include it in a post. Actually, I thought it was one of the funniest lines ever in a movie.

[jberryhill]

74. How did you get those tiny little legs apart?

[Jamastiene]

75. Ha ha...

Ever smelled moth balls? I remember that one.

[Jamastiene]

76. Ha ha...

Ever smelled moth balls? I remember that one.

[jberryhill]

78. That's a Knick-nack Patty Whack, Give The Frog A Loan...

...his old man's a Rolling Stone.

[jberryhill]

79. Transporting Gulls Across Staid Lions For Immortal Porpoises

[Duer 157099]

80. And deep!

[Road Scholar]

81. I said a couple of OARS you idiotl!!

[Manifestor_of_Light]

82. "Senor, the bull does not always lose."

[Manifestor_of_Light]

83. The Pickpocket snatches watches.

[hellbound-liberal]

84. We would, but we need the eggs!

n/t

[distantearlywarning]

85. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[AzDar]

86. That's all right, Father O'Brien... we aren't welcome at Safeway anymore, either.

[sarge43]

87. "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco." n/t

[hellbound-liberal]

88. The charges: Making an obscene clone fall.

Here's the joke: A certain university professor has finally perfected the art of cloning and to unveil his most prestigious work he has taken cells from his own body and created a perfect clone of himself.
He calls a press conference. All the top scientist and scientific journalist attend. He describes the extent of his work and at the proper moment he introduces his clone from behind the curtain. The crowd is astonished. He is the mirror image of the professor. He's even dressed the same. The clone comes forward to the podium and the professor allows him to speak for a few minutes. But, quickly the clone becomes abusive and starts spewing obscenities one right after the other. The professor is terribly embarrassed and tries to intervene. But, a fight breaks out between the two which quickly moves off the stand and into the crowd.
The professor starts to get the upper-hand on his clone and in one last knock out punch he sends the clone flying back against the window which breaks. The clone falls ten stories to his death.

The audience is dumbstruck. The police rush in and promptly arrest the professor. The charges: Making an obscene clone fall.

[sarge43]

89. "Professional admiration." n/t

[applegrove]

90. The golf ball!

I think it is a Newhart joke but am not sure. You start by saying..someone was playing golf and drove so hard the golf ball went so high..it never came down.

Then you tell a few more jokes..this time jokes that are actually funny.

An hour later..you tell a joke about a parrot on a plane that flies out a window and comes back to its owner...and what did that parrot have in its mouth when it returned? The golf ball!

[thefool_wa]

91. deleted as repeat

[sarge43]

92. "Jest checkin' fer bees, ma'am" n/t

[alfredo]

93. I'll keep an eye out for you.

[alfredo]

94. You're 21, that's why.

[dipsydoodle]

95. The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to

the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[sarge43]

100. ...

:applause:

[Sparkly]

96. "Tankety-tankety-tank."

[Manifestor_of_Light]

97. Thou shalt not witness bear falsies against thy neighbor.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

98. Barefoot boy with Teak of Chan

[mac56]

99. "Two candy bars and a Pepsi. Why?"

nm

[Hardrada]

103. Or "Fifty cents and a couple of Snickers bars. Why?"

[ironflange]

101. You can only get three fingers into a bowling ball

A good all-purpose joke, that one.

[Gormy Cuss]

102. The koala tea of Mersey is not strained. n/t

[Hardrada]

104. This time you beat the bushes and I'll go shit on the pigeons!

[HCE SuiGeneris]

105. No, that's a wart on my ass.

[ironflange]

106. Pay attention ya damn stupid frog!

This is the last time I show you how to do this!

[Zhade]

107. WOW. Um, careful with that joke...!

(Ironically, my Jewish friend LOVES that one.)

How about:

"Measuring d*cks."

or

"Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool."

[Schema Thing]

108. Benedict? I BROKE it!!

[CactusJock]

109. i don't think I can handle another 68 of those!

[bif]

110. Tonight we drink from the bottle.

[pscot]

111. I'm gonna fry up some ham and eggs, maw

The boy can't keep doin' this on cookies.,

[momophile]

113. "Okay. Where's the bathroom at, a**hole?"

[leftofthedial]

114. F#*k the mailman.

GIve him a dollar.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

116. Euripides pants? Eumenides.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

117. Father Smith, I bet that woman was a lot more enjoyable than my ham sandwich!

[Kutjara]

120. "The good news is that the patient in the next bed wants to buy your slippers."

[oberliner]

121. What's the set-up to the "Free ham" punchline?