My beloved friend just found out her husband has only weeks to live. How do I help her?

[Beausoir]

They are only 45.

Malignant Melanoma. Mets to the liver. They tried to cut out part of his liver yesterday. Once they got in, they saw it was a hopeless case and closed him back up again.

This man is a good man. He has helped hundreds of people gain sobriety. He is a kind and gentle soul. And he is going to die. Soon.

What do I do to help? What can I do to help? What can I say?

I was thinking of sending her a journal to write down her thoughts....but that seems pointless.

She knows how much I love her.

I just don't know how to help her.

Please...help me help her.

[Ellen Forradalom]

1. Your presence is your present.

Be there when asked, absent yourself when it seems appropriate.

Many people react to this by making themselves scarce. Simply by being willing to face up to it, you help.

[Beausoir]

2. Beautiful words. You think the way I think.

I am so afraid that I will say the wrong thing.

[Ellen Forradalom]

19. The willingness to walk down that path with her

makes all the difference.

[Shakespeare]

3. For the immediate now, just be there for her. For later....

...why not write down all your favorite memories of times you spent together (with her and her husband, focusing on her husband), and save to give to her at a later time. You'll know when to give it to her.

[Nicole]

4. Ask her

Ask her want she needs from you now & in the days to come.

Just be there for her when she wants you to be, give her space when she doesn't.

[BlueIris]

5. I don't think you have to "do" anything to help; just be a friend.

I think the important part will be your effort to continue to be there for at least the next year or so, as the grieving process unfolds.

[Beausoir]

6. It is the very definition of agony. To lose the love of your life.

I am terrified for her and for him.

I will not leave her....but I want to "fix" this for her. And I know I can't.

[ThomCat]

7. Just be there and be a friend.

And be there for his wife. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

8. Love Her, Listen To Her

ask her how you can help her

what does she need? She needs people to be there not only now, but after he dies and to help her deal with her grief. She needs a friend I'd imagine. I'm sorry this is happening to her. You will find the strength to help her.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

9. Being there is the greatest gift you can give her.

Be strong for her. She may try to stay strong when she is with her husband, but you may be able to give her the opportunity to cry, to get the emotions out, so she can be there as best she can for him.

I like the idea of writing down your memories of times with them.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. A journal is not pointless at all...

It's a lovely thought. Writing those feelings down can help the healing.

Be with her now, to offer your support. Be with her later, when she needs a clear head to help organize services, contact people, handle bills. There are creeps out there who make their living by bilking those who are mourning...Help watch out for her.

Does she have kids?

[Beausoir]

13. I worry about her finances. I know she will lose her house after he dies.

They are decent hard-working good people. He is a carpet-layer. She is a secretary. And once his income is gone, she will lose her home.

Yes, she brought two young kids to the marriage. They are out of the nest now but they are devastated about the loss of their dad.

Life is so fucking brutal.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. Any chance she could take a boarder to help with the cost of the house?

I assume the mortgage isn't yet paid?
Does he belong to a union? Sometimes unions have programs designed to help members and their families in situations like this.
I'm no financial whiz by any stretch; but there are ways of beating what seems like a futile system.

The impending loss of a loved one is devastating, of course. At the same time, I hope the good man's family and friends can set their grief aside to enjoy his company as long as it's there. :hug:

[Dastard Stepchild]

11. The practical things can be wonderful...

If you have the time, offers to run errands such a s shopping and whatnot can be of tremendous help. As can cooking a meal. For some people, cooking for one after so many years of cooking for two can be one of the most painful realizations that your life, as you knew it, has changed dramatically.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

12. Being there, listening, and not being afraid...

...though, I know from personal experience, the fear is the hardest obstacle to overcome when trying to help a person going through losing a loved-one. I think Elizabeth Edwards said it best (I'm paraphrasing here) when she said people are afraid they'll say the wrong thing...but it's okay. The important thing is to be there for her. :hug:

[Beausoir]

14. Elizabeth Edwards is lovely...and she is so right.

I AM afraid of saying the wrong things. I just don't know what the "right" things to say are.

All I keep telling her is...I LOVE YOU.

[nytemare]

15. Being there, and helping with basic needs.

Maybe getting food, helping with things that she doesn't want to have her mind on will help.

It says a lot about you that you are concerned for her. I am sure she will appreciate your kindness.

[BarenakedLady]

17. You sound like a loving, supportive friend

That is about the best you can be for her.

I'm so sorry for your friend and her husband. :hug:

[yewberry]

18. Oh, Beausoir, I'm so sorry.

That's a very hard place to be.

Is he well enough to make any more memories? A trip to a produce market, to a film, or even just to a favorite place might help. Is there a way that you could help make that happen, if he is able?

If appropriate, take a few photos, but don't be obvious. Cook a dinner to share (if he can eat) and be there to enjoy it. If he can't eat, drop off a dish (like a small casserole or a half-pan of lasagna) that she can reheat when she's hungry and too beat to cook.

She knows that you love her and that you'd do anything to help. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything that you can do to change what is happening to them. (And that's what we want, right? To make it all better? It is so hard that we just can't fix these things.)

All you can do is be there and help her make it through the end of this part of her life and the end of her husband's life. She will probably need a lot of love and support to get through this time. Then, she may need time, help, and love to help her transition into the next part of her life, her life without her husband.

I'm so sorry.

Best to both of you,
Rachel