I've thought of a way to get out of Maine (two degrees was our high temp today)

[crim son]

I need to cyber-date somebody who lives in Oregon, preferably Ashland; or else in southwestern Washington State. Or parts of California or anywhere in any country where "cold" is zero degrees celsius. Will this work? Any suggestions e.g. pretend I don't come with three kids - send photoshopped pics of my head with Angelina Jolie's body instead of my own - claim to have great wealth...?? It's too cold and lonely here :scared:

On edit: Now I have to go into my frigid kitchen (no insulation on the outer wall, WTF?) and make something to eat. How I suffer....

[SPKrazy]

1. Is It Warm Anywhere In The US Today?

I'd go for south of the border somewhere

go for the Caymans

or somewhere even farther south

[crim son]

2. That's not the worst idea

but if I go too far south I can't grow peaches and that'd be a crime.

[SPKrazy]

4. Rio Grande Valley!

That's where you can go and grow lots of things!

You grow them, I'll help you get them shipped (I have connections right now in the shipping industry, may not have them soon, nah, money is money!)

:hi:

[crim son]

9. That sounds sweet.

In this vision however, I'm not actually working but growing for personal consumption. Cash; I need cash AND warmth.

[SPKrazy]

16. Okay

you have field hands growing for cash

you have a big garden in the valley

:shrug:

then you have cash and garden

cash and garden

and cash and garden

and a way to get your cash crops out and shipped

and a garden

and cash

did I say cash? and a garden?

[crim son]

20. Throw in a facelift and you've got a deal.

Off to cook now. :rofl:

[SPKrazy]

21. Lobster Whatever?

facelift included

[XemaSab]

57. Nope....

too cold and rainy to go do field work today. The high was 44, I think. :scared:

[crim son]

61. If you're shivering at 44 degrees then you'd die up here.

Forty-four degrees. *snort*

[XemaSab]

62. I'm a Californian!

There are people here from LA who put on a coat and scarf when the temperature hits 70! :o

[crim son]

65. I don't find it warm until it's at least seventy degrees.

I grew up on the west coast, in Vancouver and then in Oregon. I'm currently negotiating to go live with a mike_c in Humboldt, CA. Keep your fingers crossed!

[XemaSab]

67. He's a good guy

His lab is the center of all goodness at the school he teaches at. :D

[crim son]

76. Sigh. Negotiations have fallen through.

Something to do with feminine freshness...

[Blue_In_AK]

84. It's pretty warm up here...

20 degrees right now which feels like kind of a heat wave after the zeros.

[BarenakedLady]

3. Heeeeyyyyyy

I'll give you cold and lonely....:scared:

You are not allowed to go on cyber-dates without me tagging along as the ugly friend you need to set up. Just tell them that I have a really good sense of humor.

:rofl:

[crim son]

5. Good gawd, you are not my "ugly friend" and in fact I'm going

to send pictures of you instead of me... a "Cyrano" scenario, if you will. He will fall in love with my voice and written word (because you ain't allowed to make a peep!) and when we meet, I pretend I've had extensive cosmetic surgery :) Thanks, my dear friend!

[SPKrazy]

6. (sneaks in)

and nice legs!

:hug:

and you aren't ugly by any stretch!

[taterguy]

7. Do you have any idea?

How many men dream of having a cyber menage-a-trois with you and Crimson?

[BarenakedLady]

10. Oh no...

Do tell... :) Crim son and I will be very happy to entertain that notion. We will need applications (notarized) and a full physical exam.

:evilgrin:

[crim son]

13. I saw this comment, and thought I'd let you handle it.

:*

[BarenakedLady]

15. I will consider all applications...

You, of course, will have final approval. :)

[crim son]

19. I have this feeling we won't disagree on too many of them.

:rofl:

[Hugin]

27. Well, here's my application!

http://www.spillyerbeans.com/datingapplication.htm

Warning: If you complete this form it could be used against you in future arguments, at poker games, if you decide to run for office, and if worse comes to worse you’ll find it posted on the world wide web for all your friends, family, and co-workers to see.


First Name:_________Prag_____________________ Last Name:________Alias_____________

Address:_____BALMY _HOT__TROPICAL_LOCATION___________ Phone Number:_____4 shorts on party line_____

Age:_Yes__

(please attach copy of birth certificate to application)

Weight:_Yes___ Height:_Yes__

(not what you put on your driver’s license)


1). How many times a week do you bathe/shower?

_X_ None (afraid of being sucked down the drain)

___ 1-3 (when flies mistake me for a pile of shit)

___ 4-6 (high hopes of getting intimate with someone)

___ 7 or more (have every brand of shower gel on the market and not enough days in a week to try them all)


2). Do you leave brown stripes in your underwear?

___ Yes, I believe in conserving toilet paper.

_X_ No, I don’t wear underwear.


3). How often do you wash your bedding?

_X_ Daily (must be a nympho)

___ Once a week (at the carwash)

___ Yearly (when I get my tax refund)

___ Never (haven’t brought a date home in years)


4). What are your shopping habits?

_X_ I prefer shopping at garage sales. (leaves more money to buy my booze with)

___ I prefer shopping at discount stores. (can buy ten times more junk food for less)

___ I prefer shopping at the mall. (great place to check out cute butts)

___ I prefer to shop at all the finer stores (until all the credit cards are maxed out)

___ I don’t pay for anything, I just take it.


5). You are sitting in your recliner watching television and sneeze a juicy one, what do you do?

___ Wipe my nose on my sleeve then give someone a great big hug.

___ Wipe my nose with the remote.

_X_ Yell for someone to bring me a tissue, then hide/stuff it down the chair when I’m done with it.



6). You are cuddling with your sweetheart in bed and feel gas pressure building, what do you do?

___ Excuse myself and make a mad dash to the bathroom.

___ Let it blow and brag about how I made the windows shake.

_X_ Blast the stink bomb then toss the covers over both our heads so we can enjoy the juicy aroma.

___ Let it leak out silently and blame it on the dog.


7). The toilet breaks and needs repaired, what do you do?

___ Get the duct tape out and fix it myself.

_X_ Wait and see if it will miraculously fix itself.

___ Hire someone to fix it.

___ Choose to do nothing and use the gas station’s restroom for the rest of the year.



8.) How do you feel about washing dishes?

___ Love playing in bubbles and beg for people to dirty more dishes.

___ Only when company is coming.

___ Out of the question, I might break a nail.

___ I’m allergic to dish soap.

_X__ I consider dirty dishes to be a work of art and stack them all over the house/apt. as decorations.


9). How do you feel about mowing the lawn and misc. yard work?

___ Can’t wait to get the rider out so I can chase the neighbor’s cat around the yard.

___ Hire a lawn care company.

___ Just set it on fire once a year.

_X__ Do nothing at all, I enjoy living in a jungle.


10). Your dog accidentally takes a dump inside, what do you do?

_X_ Wait a couple days, wrap it up and toss it into the lost & found box at work.

___ Call my mom and have her come clean it up.

___ Ignore it and hope it will go away.

___ Call 911 and tell them I have an emergency.


11). Which best describes your cooking?

___ I must be an excellent cook because everyone I know eats at my house.

___ I burn everything and the dog refuses to eat it.

_X_ I have all the delivery places on speed dial.

___ I don’t cook, I have my own personal chef.


12). You are driving down the highway and notice your ex’s car pulled over with a flat tire,

what do you do?

___ Pull over and grab my old cd player out of the car while they are changing the flat.

___ Drive by and act like I don’t see them.

_X_ Blow the horn and yell out the window “It sucks to be you”.



I hereby attest and verify that the information I have provided in this application is absolutely false and misrepresented. I understand that any honest or true answers could lead to me spending the rest of my life alone.





Signature:_______Prag___________________ Date:___________Today________

[crim son]

34. DENIED!

And I think you know why :P

[Hugin]

35. Whaaaa?

I only lied on every answer except #9... Where I was entirely full of truthiness.

[crim son]

36. Okay then. What is the truthful answer to number six?

Be very careful... there's a lot riding on your response hehe

[Hugin]

38. Hey... I thought you were looking for warmth here.

So, I chose what seemed to be the warmest answer.

Truth be told I'd excuse myself and rush out into the cold cold night air and freeze to
death leaving a substantial estate to some lucky beneficiary.

[crim son]

39. I'm writing this down...

What's yer address?:smoke:

Nah, I don't smoke, but I might start.

[Hugin]

40. Let's see a picture first!

Before we go swapping salutations.

First things first.

[crim son]

42. Here I am, without makeup:

Don't you want me Baby?

[Hugin]

45. Ooo... A hawt redhead, eh?

Rrrow!

Arrrooo!

Hotcha!

Arf!

( :rofl: )

[crim son]

50. Well, I'm not a natural redhead. And I know I need to lose a few pounds.

It's having kids... it does it to you every time (makes you grow a beard) :rofl:

[Hugin]

53. I'm thinking it more an adaptation to the cold...

Not to worry.

I've been wanting one of those power tweezers I keep seeing on those TeeVee Infomercials
anyway.

We'll run you through the full spa treatment... I'm sure you'll clean up just fine!

A new dress... Run a comb through your... uh, locks. A facial (or two) Maybe a visit
to a electrolosis center(or two) and you'll be in the pink again.

[crim son]

56. Oh, it's so exciting!

I love to be pampered! :*

[Hugin]

59. No nit picking, tho!

That is BNL's exclusively.

Can't have everyone going around nit picking! Lemme tell ya!

[crim son]

60. Certainly not.

Maybe she will pick my nits too.

[Hugin]

63. You'd have to check with BNL on that...

I've already sent her all of my personal financial information to process.

Her and the Honorable Sir Mister Doctor Professor Raul Bumbaumbwe Esq. of Nigeria with whom
I have a discreet business deal regarding the Late Half-brother of a Widowed Widower
who was killed ship board by a falling aircraft.

*greedily rubs hands together chuckling*

Uh, where *is* she anyway? Haven't heard a peep since like #17.

[crim son]

64. She is probably feeding the kids etc. It's bedtime for the little ones.

She'll be back!

[Hugin]

66. Yeah, BNL is all responsible like that!

:loveya:

[BarenakedLady]

69. Now what the HELL is going on around here!

*stomps feet* I go away for a little while and look what happens....

I can't trust either of you two. x(

You need to resend the financial information, it must have gotten lost in the mail.

And then you must TOUCH MY MONKEY!!! :(|)

[Hugin]

70. OMG!

Uh, we weren't doing anything... Really! Honest!

Except extolling Lysol Brand Disinfectant's darker side.

:rofl:

As to touching your monkey... Mark a spot, baby! ;)

[BarenakedLady]

71. He giggles when you touch his feet

No really...:7

[Hugin]

72. :lol:

That is just too cute!

I gotta get me some monkey!

[BarenakedLady]

73. He's right here...

Next to me...in bed...come and get 'em. :evilgrin:




;)

[Hugin]

74. LoL... (again)

Why that lil' rascal!

Here I am sleeping in a pile of branches!

;)

[BarenakedLady]

75. I spoil my chimps

No tree top nest of branches here, just warm sheets, blankets and pillows. :) And all the bananas they can eat!

[Hugin]

77. Sounds like a good deal...

:thumbsup:

[crim son]

78. She is, you know.

I love her too :loveya:

[BarenakedLady]

79. Oh don't get all mushy on me...

I'm feeling like a big pile of smoooooshiness and may burst into a rounding rendition of Kumbaya (sp) and cry and then say "I love ya man! No serioushly, I lurve you. hic." and then pass out nekkid in the bathtub...

Now do you really want to see that?





;) :loveya: :hug:

[crim son]

80. ...

you know I do! I would find a pillow, place it under your head and cover you tenderly with a blanket. :loveya: :hug: :loveya:

[BarenakedLady]

81. As only a true friend would do...

...but not without taking a few blackmail appropriate pictures first, right? :rofl:

[crim son]

82. Not for blackmail, just for fun.

Unless I can't find a job.

[BarenakedLady]

83. *snort*

They wouldn't pay the rent.

[BarenakedLady]

68. LoL!

I miss all the fun stuff.

You are too funny monkey man! :rofl:

[Hugin]

8. I'll send back photoshopped pictures of Angelina Jolie's hair on my head...

If you could live with that maybe we could get something going.

:rofl:

[crim son]

12. LOL!

I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to physical appearance so I'm sure there would be no problem there. Hmmm. What do you drive? :P

[Hugin]

18. It's a Ferrari...

wannabe.

I'm not sure. The emblem fell off years ago, along with the rest of the trim.
If you really want to know I can look for it in what's left of the back seat.

;)

[BarenakedLady]

17. .....

Oh no not my monkey man....

:cry:


oooo-oooo-aahhh-ahhh *sniffle*

I'm never picking nits off your back EVAH again!

[Hugin]

24. Awe, I know we have a monogamous...

preening relationship.

I always save the best nits for you!

*sulk*

[crim son]

29. I'm making dinner!

I'm totally interested in trying to figure out what your car is. Nit picking? I'm in!

[Hugin]

31. My application is up at #27.

Still haven't heard back from BNL, tho.

[crim son]

33. She's reviewing it.

We don't accept just anybody. Or did I just say we do?

[crim son]

32. Oh damn. I can't get involved if you've got something going with

BNL. All your nits are hers, prag :hi:

[leftofthedial]

11. Colorado is great

although lately it has been serious winter too.

[crim son]

14. In Colorado I'd be expected to be very outdoorsy and

physically active, though. It ain't gonna happen :)

[leftofthedial]

28. well not all the activity in Colorado

is outdoorsy

[Guava Jelly]

22. it still in the 20's here in kcmo

So I wouldn't be much of a catch :)

[Ptah]

23. .

[crim son]

25. you rascal, you!

okay, cooking now

[Ptah]

41. I'm not sure about peaches, but roses do well here

[crim son]

43. Tea roses!

You are the #1 contender :loveya:

[Ptah]

48. woohoo Cool beans!

:hug:

[hfojvt]

26. Kansas is kinda warm

hint, hint.

But I think our high was only 20 something. Plus I bought a big house on purpose just in case I had a girlfriend with child move in. I have two bedrooms and a bathroom and basement that I really do not use (except for my newish dog who still thinks the basement is a toilet).

But realistically I do not even think there is room for one more person here. I am just too disorgandized, plus I still own about 1/3 of a bookstore.

[crim son]

30. It's a nice thought.

I'm four people, at least to start :) I don't necessarily have to move in... I just need a good reason to leave.

[mike_c]

37. it's about 55 F here on the north coast, clear and sunny....

Night time temps can get down to freezing, but usually not more that a dozen or so times all winter. Plus I have a nice cozy fire. And a hot tub.

Your move.

[crim son]

44. I have a rather painful history with a Mike C.

As long as your middle initial isn't J, let's talk.

[idgiehkt]

46. roflmao

:rofl:

never can be to sure...

[mike_c]

47. LOL-- honey bunch, is that YOU...?

:rofl:

Nope, my middle initial is A.

[crim son]

51. I involuntarily flipped to your profile, just to be sure.

He was booted and you might have been his unnatural resurrection! Humboldt, huh? I had a friend who went to school there... environmental studies or something like that.

[mike_c]

55. ouch, must have been ugly....

The other Mike C. I mean.

If your friend studied environmental biology it was my dept-- if it was in the last ten years he/she likely knows me. We also have an environmental engineering dept.

[bicentennial_baby]

49. you're in Maine?!

Come visit in MA!! :bounce:

[crim son]

52. I have a sister in Walpole and a MIL (for now) in

Westwood and a ex-boss/good friend in Allston. I should come down, shouldn't I? :P :bounce:

[bicentennial_baby]

86. Venture forth to Quincy!

:bounce:

:D

[crim son]

88. I've been to Quincy!

I lived in Boston for three years and I got around, baby! I'll come if you all are nice to me :) :bounce:

[bicentennial_baby]

89. We're nice and,

we live right on the Red Line :D

We like to drink, smoke, watch reality tv, cook like maniacs...Good things :D

[crim son]

92. I used to do maintenance on the Red Line.

Not really. That was my line when I lived in the city and jerks asked me what I did for a living. Scared them away very quickly. I think it would be a party to meet you guys :D

[ashling]

54. We should never have gone to Maine

without an exit strategy! Now look where we are! LOL

[crim son]

58. You have no idea. One of the agreements made upon our engagement

was NO SNOW. Within eighteen months, here I was :(

[graywarrior]

85. Come visit me!!!

Where in Maine are you, anyhow?

[crim son]

87. Bangor!

Beautiful Downtown Bangor! :rofl: I want to visit you! We all need to get together somehow.

[graywarrior]

90. Been there before. Stephen King is in Sarasota for the winter.

Yes, we need to hook up.

[crim son]

91. We will. My life is like yours right now... unsettled.

We would meet and I'd scare you :hug: But we will meet.

[graywarrior]

93. I don't scare easy. I grew up in Lynn Ma.

[crim son]

94. Okay, you can handle me then.

:rofl: I'M SO TOTALLY NORMAL that you won't believe it. Only on DU do I let my angst hang out like dirty underwear on a prominent clothesline.

[graywarrior]

95. Ha ha ha.

I might bring out the worst in you. Look what I've done to REV and Ava.
:rofl:

[crim son]

96. If you did that, I'd thank you.

I'm sick and tired of being good which is why I often screw up on Friday nights. I was discussing this recently with the STBE and he said that he doesn't give compliments easily. (NO SHIT) It made me think, is that why I'm going out dressed up like a hooker every Friday? Probably.

P.S. I don't dress like a hooker.