Is 21 old enough to live on your own?

[Blue_Roses]

See, I think so, but my spouse's sister--who just broke up with her live-in boyfriend--seems to think she needs to come stay with us since she can't afford their apartment alone. Her boyfriend is moving back home to his mama:eyes: She doesn't want to move back home to her mama, so she has asked to stay with us. My spouse told her okay and now she has gone out and bought herself a new bed :wtf: She can't afford her apartment, but she can go buy herself a new bed? Well, needless to say, this didn't go over well with me today and I have been brewing all day. We are suppose to have a "talk" with her this weekend on limitations regarding her "stay," which you can bet won't be too long.

I'm trying not to come off as the "bad" person here, but it's useless. I'm sure I'll be branded with it by the end of the weekend.


:crazy:

[QMPMom]

1. Yikes. Those decisions are not made unilaterally. One MUST

talk to the spouse and be in agreement.

And no, 21 is not too young to live on your own.

[Blue_Roses]

7. We just moved here 5 months ago from another state

with my spouse's job and my two children already share a bedroom. We live in a two bedroom apartment, so where the hell is this stupid bed going? What audacity:eyes: I've been so mad all day. My spouse is out of town now and he wants me to wait to talk to her with him in person:mad:

[HCE SuiGeneris]

2. I was out at 18 and making the most money of

my life by 21. I've regressed since -- but I'm much happier in my profession. :evilgrin:

[Left Is Write]

3. I hope so. I did it!

Your spouse should not have okayed a house guest without talking to you. That should have been a joint decision.

[HCE SuiGeneris]

5. agreed -- set a time limit and help her set a plan

to achieve her goals if the living arrangement is uncomfortable to you.

[Blue_Roses]

10. I agree.

:eyes:

[The Traveler]

4. I survived it. (n/t)

[madeline_con]

6. Charge rent.

word up.............

[Left Is Write]

11. I definitely agree!

[Crabby Appleton]

27. yep, charge rent

[texanwitch]

8. I was living on my own at 19,

Nothing like having to pay rent to make you grow up.

[Blue_Roses]

12. Yep, and I think that's the problem here.

She doesn't want to live on her own.

[Left Is Write]

45. I loved living on my own when I was 19. I had roommates at 18...

and it was awful. I could spend hours telling bad roommate stories.

At nineteen, I had an apartment all to myself. When I came home from work, the place was just as I left it. I didn't have to wonder if I'd be able to have my after-work glass of wine or if someone else had drunk it all up. I could watch whatever I wanted to on television or listen to whatever music I wanted. I could come and go as I pleased without worrying about the needs or concerns of others. I loved it.

[Blue_Roses]

50. I know, me too

and I sure am missing those days of being single and living alone more than one will ever know right about now:cry:

[Redstone]

9. Christ, I was living on my own at 16. Yes, 21 is old enough.

Redstone

[Withywindle]

13. I did it for the first time at 17.

It was a total disaster, I had no money. Lived most of the summer without electricity.

Guess what? I didn't die. And I grew up a lot.

[mark414]

14. i'm 21 and i've been doing it for nearly 5 years

you guys are nice to let her stay in the first place

[dysfunctional press]

15. it depends on the person and the situation.

lots of people have roomates at that age, to help with the expenses. i did. and i didn't. and i survived.

[reyd reid reed]

16. Hell, I was seventeen when I moved out to my own apartment...

My oldest son was 18 (of course that was before the Great Chitty-Chitty Bang-BOOM incident). Twenty-one? Hell yeah, that's old enough.

It won't last long. Set down ground rules that she's not going to like...like no sleepovers. No late-night company. No parties. No coming home drunk. They're all perfectly reasonable conditions...and stick to them. She'll be pissed off and looking for either her own place or her own roommate before summer.

[mykpart]

17. If she can't afford her apartment,

she needs to get one she can afford. If she was grown enough to have a live-in boyfriend, she should be grown enough to live alone. Or get a roommate.

[Nicole]

18. 21 is plenty old enough

I was going on my 4th year living alone by then.

Your spouse should NOT have agreed to this without talking it over with you first. I understand your anger, I would be mad too. Just don't direct that anger at the wrong person. While your sister-in-law sounds immature, she did obtain permission from your wife.

[crim son]

19. I was out of the house, though not supporting myself, at 16.

I returned for monthlong stints thereafter, until I married. It really depends on the person and their level of independence/common good sense.

[fujiyama]

20. Of course

If a person has the means of supporting him or herself, I don't see why they can't.

Mainly, it forces a person into budgeting money for various expenses (rent, food, gas/transportation, cable, phone, utilities, etc).

It sounds like in your sister-in-law's case, she can't. Affording a new bed, doesn't necessarily mean she has steady income. I'd give her a break (as long as she is at least studying and/or working/actively looking for a job and helps out around the house).

OTOH, if she doesn't have a job, try to help her find one. That way you don't come off looking mean.

[emmajane67]

21. I was living independently at 17.

I can understand her coming to stay while she gets over the demise of the relationship and perhaps looks for a houseshare (is that what you guys call it?).

I can understand her not wanting to live completely alone, especially if she is having a hard time emotionally etc. but she should be looking for independent accommodations for the future.

It would be very nice of you to support her in her time of need but perhaps some tough love is required, outline that you expect her to be making her way toward different accommodation as soon as possible. It might be tough but 21 is MORE than old enough to deal with it and she will certainly become a better person for it.

Having lived a 16 hours drive (including a 4 hours ferry ride) from any family at age 17 certainly helped me a lot and whilst it certainly wasn't a picnic at times I am a lot stronger and more independent for it.

[jobycom]

22. I started to say "yes, obviously," but I started thinking.

When I was 21 I got married and lived with my spouse. I doubt I could have afforded to live on my own for a while. Even with my spouse, I "borrowed" money from my parents to make it. Without that extra money, I would have lived, but not as well. I wouldn't have been able to finish my degree, for instance.

I think most people need and receive more help than they realize at that age, or younger, though many people manage to do it without moving back in with a relative. I doubt my parents thought I was paying my own way when I called and asked for money from time to time. I've known other people who swear they lived on their own at about that age, even though they drove a car their parents bought, and in one case, lived in a house their parents provided the down payment for (this couple really angered me, too--they used to rail on about people on welfare and people who couldn't work for a living, all the while saving a few hundred dollars a month because of the money their parents had just given them).

As for moving back in with you and your spouse, I have a couple of thoughts. Your spouse will not thank you for railing against his/her sister, even if you are right. While it is your decision, too, and while you don't want this to become permanent, you won't win by constantly expressing your view on the matter. That's just reality, right or wrong. Your spouse's sister is family, as much as if not more than you (depending on how long you've been married) in your spouse's opinion. I would say your best tactic is to make your opinion known, and then do everything you can to make this as easy for your spouse and sister-in-law as possible. Your spouse doesn't need the stress of choosing between families, and no matter how it turns out, you will ultimately lose if you fight spouse on this. Side with your spouse, whichever way he or she (I should have checked your profile before I started writing!) is thinking at the moment, and be very nice to the sister-in-law in the meantime. Your spouse needs your support, and if you don't provide it, it will shape your future relationship. And even if you are in agreement on this, be nice to your sister-in-law, and let your spouse handle issuing the ultimatums--unless he or she asks you to do it, of course. It might create some friction for you for a while, but it will smooth friction in the long run. I assume you want your marriage to last indefinitely, and not be done in a couple of years, so understand that in five years, you will have to still be friends with your sister-in-law. Keep in mind that when you start fighting with your spouse (of course it will happen at some point), and he or she needs advice and friendship, he or she will turn to family--meaning sister. You don't want the sister to hate you at that point.

And any way it goes, you don't want your spouse to be more stressed out feeling he or she has to fight you as well as sister.

Just the advice of an older man who made a hell of a lot of mistakes with the in-laws. :)

[Blue_Roses]

37. First of all, my spouse (male) have been married

for 10 years. We have two small children and we just moved from another state into a much SMALLER apartment. There is NO room to spare unless she wants to sleep on the washer and dryer.

Second of all, where I come from, once you get married, the spouse comes first. His sister is his half sister if that makes any difference. (which doesn't to me, but lets get some perspective here) She's a spoiled brat and should have had the common courtesy to tell me she wanted to move in rather than hide behind her half-brother---not to mention the audacity of buying a fucking bed:eyes:

Thirdly, her, HER mother and father live not too far from us. They have a larger place and would welcome her there. She doesn't want to live there, however I did talk to the mother this morning.

Last and surely not least, my spouse did not talk to me first about this. My first priority is my spouse and my children--as most. If he can't even put us before his sister then he needs to move the fuck on, 'cause rest assure, I definitely will if this continues.

As you might notice in my demeanor today, I've already had words with him, his mother, my mother and now this, so my patience is paper thin with people who are emotional bullies (not saying you are--just venting). I appreciate your thoughts and I'm sure if you knew ALL of the scenario here, you wouldn't want me to make any mistakes with this--not that it matters, 'cause it looks as if I'm dammed if I do and dammed if don't.

My feelings from last night and today are like, well...night and day. Victim no more.

[jobycom]

41. "Damned if you do and damned if you don't" was kind of my point

Since you can't win either way, don't make it worse, was what I was getting at. This situation will end, sooner or later, and be just a bad memory one day. Don't make the effects linger beyond what they have to.

And I would point out that the fact that your spouse made this decision without consulting you means he does place his sister high on his list of priorities, half sister or not. I wouldn't dare to answer without knowing either of you whether that means he places her higher than you, or more likely, whether he trusts that you will understand how important this is to him and therefore trust his decision. It could also mean he takes you for granted, of course. If that's the case, your argument is not over his sister but over his attitude towards you, and maybe that's how you should address it.

Just my thoughts. I'm always wrong, so I'm sure I am this time, too. :) I've been in your situation, and I've been in his (in general terms). Both are losing situations.

[Blue_Roses]

51. "It could also mean he takes you for granted"

BINGO! I always give in even when I know in my gut I shouldn't. This time I'm not and yes, we had MANY words this morning. He said he's sorry at least 10 times today, but we'll see how true those words are very soon.:)

There's so much more to the dynamics of his dysfunctional family. This has just opened the can of "crazy" so I"m sure there will be more to come. My decision will be how much more am I willing to take.

[NewJeffCT]

23. In most cases, yes. But, not always

However, that is not always the case that one can live on their own at 21, as it depends on their maturity level. My ex-wife wasn't ready to live on her own at 25... I can only imagine how she was at 21.

Her mom used to pick up after her at home, and I think she just figured her clothes got magically washed, dryed & folded when she moved in with me after we got married. She didn't even look for a job for a few months after getting married, while I was working 60, 70 and even 80 hours a week and still doing almost all the housework!

[Blue_Roses]

38. Now 25, come on...

some like there was serious enabling going on.

[NewJeffCT]

43. not exactly

we had a lot of discussions about it to no avail on my part, but I finally got sick of living in a pig sty and started cleaning... you can't force somebody to listen to you or do the housework or live within a budget if they never had to do those things before.

If somebody lives at home, you can't tell about things like living within a budget or doing housework... and before marriage, it was seemingly non-stop sex that kind of blinded me to other things.

I'm not saying I was a perfect husband by any means.

[Jimbo S]

24. Is this cleared with the landlord?

Two bedroom apartment, so I assume a lease exists. Is it in the contract about who can live there?

[Goblinmonger]

25. I was married at 21

Can't believe that is almost 20 years ago (which means I need to plan something big for this summer's anniversary).

[LibDemAlways]

26. I was married at 20, so I'd say

yes, 21 is certainly old enough to live on your own. However, it has more to do with a person's maturity than chronological age. There are 40 year olds who aren't capable of living on their own and 18 year olds who do just fine.

[LostinVA]

28. Do NOT let her move in

Help her find a roommate so she can stay in her own apartment.

Seriously. Do NOT do this.

[Blue_Roses]

39. While I definitely agree with you,

what it is that makes you say this? Sounds like you've experienced something similar. Nice to hear someone in my corner for a change:)

[LostinVA]

42. I have experienced something similar

And, I have friends who have done exactly what your SIL wants to do.

It will cause friction between you, your family, and her -- there's NO WAY for the dynamic not to change. Plus, the whole privacy thing. Especially since you're living in such a small place right now. It's not fair to your kids, especially.

Also, once she moves in, that's it. She'l;l always have an excuse for not moving out. Look at what she did with the bed. You can buy a twin mattress and bed rails for $50. I didn't even have a real bed for years after I graduated from college,m so that I could pay my bills.

She WILL overstep boundaries, she will take advantage of you.

If she was adult enough to live with her BF, she's adult enough to shoulder some responsibility and get a roommate. Y'all can give her a hand her and there, but you shouldn't support her. That's what you SHOULD do: help her, but not carry her. She'd not in school, she has a job, she handled it when it was her and her BF, so...

I'm telling you, this will soooooo not end well.

IF you're stuck in this situation, charge her rent, tell her what she is and isn't supposed to do (chores, etc.), and give her a FIRM deadline to be out. Say, three months to get an apartment and a roommate. BE FIRM WITH THIS.

Good luck!

(And, your husband really overstepped, but you know that already!)

[Phillycat]

29. I moved out when I was 16...

but of course you're not really looking for opinions about that. You're looking for us to agree that your spouse should have talked to you first. Which he should have. But it's family, and there's probably not a lot you can do about it for now, so I suggest not letting it make you furious, because that is a lot of needless stress. Good luck. And charge rent.

[Omphaloskepsis]

30. I walked out of the house at fifteen with a black garbage bag full of clothes.

I moved in with my sister when I was 25.. It was a good relationship, I helped her clean the house everyday and she and her husband gave me cheap rent. I did live in the garage. Hey, It was a roof. And it helped me get back in school.

How much was the bed? I can go grab one for 99$.. That is a bit different from first and last + security.. If you get my drift.

[MissMillie]

31. For some people, yes

But why did your spouse say "OK" to her w/o checking w/ you first? :wtf:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

32. Absolutely.

[BluePatriot]

33. *shrug* Depends on finances and maturity

I moved out at 21 after college, after getting my first job and socking away $$$ for a few months. A lot of people get the itch for freedom sooner than they are ready. Also, a decent, safe apt., even a 1 bedroom, can be hard to afford even with 2 entry level jobs. Luckily I was able to stay with my parents and save some cash. It doesn't seem like she has (or wants) that opportunity but if you provide it to her she may be able to get a good, fresh start. Or she will be a sponge...it all depends. Who knows...maybe you could charge her "rent" and set some or all of it back to give to her when she moves out without her knowing. Like forced savings, hehe. Also, if you have to kick her out, it can be with some money, at least. ("Here's your last 3 mos rent, now go!!!")

*YMMV: the rent thing could turn her into a tenant or something on accident, with all the laws that apply, so do a bit of research first on this idea.

[Dukkha]

34. considering you can be sent to Iraq at 18

no it's definitely not too young

[JackBeck]

35. 21 is plenty old.

Can't she find/get a roommate? What about craigslist? I was in this situation with a very good friend and I finally ended-up kindly telling her that she had three months to find a place. She found a place within a couple of weeks. And we still remained friends.

[Evoman]

36. Is she going to school? If not, I can't see why anybody should be living with mommy (or family).

If shes going to school, which is expensive, I'd say "give her a break", but otherwise...

My mom is barely doing better than I am, and I'm a grad student. I would never EVER move in with her.

[Blue_Roses]

40. No, she's not going to school and she does have a job

:eyes: Go figure...

[mongo]

44. I've been on my own since age 17

But it also depends on where you are living at - some places are just too expensive to live.

But Yikes! Your spouse decided that without asking you?

[JVS]

46. yes

[pitohui]

47. i was on my own at 18

this is not even your child, if she is this dependent, she needs to be back home w. her own mother, not manipulating your spouse behind your back, that's quite unacceptable to me that such a decision would be made unilaterally about my household w.out my input

i don't mind being branded a "bad" person if it's my house too, your spouse did wrong by not getting your agreement first, this is your home, it is not an area of compromise, if BOTH spouses don't agree than the third party does not get to live there

period end of sentence

your spouse made a big mistake and owes you big time frankly

[Rosemary2205]

48. I feel SOO bad for you.

You have just entered an alternate universe known as inlaw hell. Once her stuff is in your house you and your husband have both LOST. There is positively no way to get out of this without hard feelings and a ruined relationship. His family will pick sides and everyone loses.

This is going to get very VERY ugly.

She should not have asked this of you and it was a mistake to agree regardless of the instinct to help loved ones. Now, no matter what you do to get your home back in the future, it will be twisted to be hurtful and mean.

I really hope I am wrong but I can't tell you how many times I've seen situations like this go really REALLY ugly for an entire extended family.

[Blue_Roses]

49. thank-you for your kind thoughts

I know, it is hell! I so enjoyed living in another state 6 hours away:cry:

[sinkingfeeling]

52. Hope so. I was out at 18. Married and a mother and divorced by 21!

[flamingyouth]

53. Yes - I did.

This sounds like an unpleasant situation all around. I wish you luck here - sounds like you and your spouse need to lay some serious ground rules here, and maybe you need to lay some with him as well (like... don't let people move in without your permission!).