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PRESIDENT BUSH'S WEEKLY DISPATCH TO THE PINKO HORDES AT DEMOCRAT UNDERGROUND
Dispatch #2, Week of January 4, 2004
Transcribed, through dictation, by Fenris
PRESIDENT BUSH: There's been a lot of hoo-ha in the media the last week or so about Mad Cow and whatnot, and I think that as this country's first certified cattle-drivin', ranch-hand President, I ought to put some of the vegan media's lies to pasture. I know a lot of so-called allies of the United States have decided to stop importing our spinal-tissue fed beef because of one lousy news story, but lemme tell you folks, I've been around cattle all of my non-coked-up life, so you can trust me when I tell you that the Japanfolk's fears are totally unfounded. The fact is, folks, that Mad Cow disease can't hurt you. Hell, it's in the name -- Mad Cow. See, if them boys at Oxford thought it was dangerous to homo sappy-ans, they'd have called it Mad Man disease. See? Can't argue with the logic of the English. They found the stuff and I defy you to find a single person in England suffering because of Mad Cow.
Not counting people that are already dead.
Now, I know you've probably heard a load of bullflop from those Darwin-worshiping liberals who call themselves "scientists" about how Mad Cow is dangerous and we should stop feeding cows the ground up remains of other cows and blah, blah, blah. Lemme tell you folks, not only is it safe to feed cows Bovine Corpse Chow, but in a nationwide taste test, 9 out of 10 cows preferred their own remains to hay.
The tenth cow had Mad Cow Disease, but were he able to comprehend the test, he would've given the thumbs up to cannibalism.
And if God didn't want all of His creatures to dine within their species, He'd have made us a lot less tastier, I'll tell you what! Who among us hasn't tasted the sweat of a lover and thought to ourselves, "Hmm, I wonder what she'd taste like marinated in a vinaigrette and grilled?" God knows I have.
I'm sure you're all well-aware that a good deal of the beef that is mechanically stripped is on the low end of the beef market and therefore, the cheapest. So, automatically, our cash-strapped public school system seized an opportunity to tighten their school lunch budget by taking the quality down twelve notches. Before y'all all freak out and start asking me to think of the children, I ask you this: Why are you a Communist? Taxes are high enough as it is; why do you want to turn America into some socialist worker's paradise? If you're that concerned about the health and welfare of the child you wouldn't be sending them to public school, which, starting next year, will require a firearm license to attend. So what if your child is getting pieces of spine and brain in their Sloppy Joe? They ain't complainin', so you shouldn't either.
But just in case, you son or daughter will be required to sign a waiver with every meal served throughout our nation's public schools. The last thing we need is a bunch of parents with vegetables for children telling us we owe them for their loss. I got tax breaks to give, people.
Now, just in case you namby-pamby Whine-o-crats have any lingering doubts about the safety of American beef, yours truly is going to demonstrate just how disease-free and healthy USDA prime is. By feeding it to my dog. No, not Barney, the other one that I don't like that much, you know, Laura's dog. Yep, starting tomorrow, ol' Spot's gonna be on a strict diet of pure beef. Sausage for breakfast. Ground chuck for lunch. A steak for dinner. And a full day's supply of bovine spinal fluid to quench his thirst. Maybe then you'll realize that if beef is safe enough to be fed to a dog I don't particularly like, then it's safe enough for your sorry ass to eat.
Now where's my goddamn chicken sammich?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
President of the United States
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