Bad menstruation advice needed please (making a list for a friend)

[uppityperson]

Looking for advice like "wear tight white pants on those special days". And trying to keep it clean, so to speak, for a bit please. Thanks.

[mentalsolstice]

1. Best time of the month to wear your thong to the beach eom

[uppityperson]

2. thank you, that is a good one. You can play tennis when you menstrate

even if you couldn't before, the ads said so.

[siouxsiecreamcheese]

3. use just a tampon

on those extra heavy flow days :D

[uppityperson]

5. I had a theory when I was a young 'un from watching tv ads

You could swim when you had your period, so something about being in water stopped the bleeding so I would sit in the bath for hours (and therefor not bleed), then hop out, dry off and sit on the toilet waiting for the bleeding to start again.

[blonndee]

8. I thought that about being in water too!

:silly: I've never admitted that to anyone before! :rofl:

[zanne]

46. You mean that's not true? nt

[Radio_Lady]

66. I wish I could use the few tampons I have left since 1998...

Want them? Call me at 1-800-NO-BLEEDS.

I wish I could use them for the only blood I ever see....





(hemorrhoids....you bet... and probably misspelled. Bloody awful!)

[smtpgirl]

61. Whew, THAT'S harsh

[LeftyMom]

4. Now is a good time to watch a sad movie and then pick a fight with your boyfriend.

:)

[uppityperson]

6. How about starting volunteer work at a short-stay animal shelter too?

[LisaM]

7. Eat lots of salty foods

and no fiber. Drink lots of beer.

[Missy Vixen]

9. Give away every bit of chocolate in your house

Also, be sure and get a radically different hair style and color during that time as well.

Julie

[coffeenap]

10. Perfect time for a swim-with-the-sharks vacation, yes? nt

[sarge43]

30. Or if you can't find shark infested waters, a dip in the Amazon

is a good second choice.

[Gormy Cuss]

11. Don't worry dear, they get easier with age. n/t

[sarge43]

12. It's an excellent time to stop smoking.

Your calm, serene disposition will endear you to everyone within a hundred miles.

[PassingFair]

13. Plan your wedding around it!

Who needs consummation?

[SmileyBoy]

14. WHY did I click on this thread???

WHY WHY WHY????????......

[MadMaddie]

15. bwah..haw..haw...you couldn't help yourself!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[sarge43]

16. For the same reason you slow down and stare when passing

a car accident.

[uppityperson]

17. aw come on, it's not that bad. Yet.

[ironflange]

18. I clicked here so I could finally use this emoticon

Sorry, I go away now.

[SmileyBoy]

19. That... Is... Sick...

I LOVE it.:D

[Le Taz Hot]

33. OMG!!!

:rofl: THAT is hysterical!

[Radio_Lady]

62. Oh, the dancing hot dog? Neat reason for double meaning, I guess.

:sarcasm:

[momophile]

20. just whatever you do, don't wash your hair

that's what I heard. you'll get sick if you wash your hair while menstruating.

[mykpart]

24. My mother told me that taking a bath during "that time"

would cause cramps. Oh, yeah, and using more than 3 pads a day was wasteful!

[smtpgirl]

63. Did you give the gift of bad air?

[graywarrior]

21. Go hiking in bear country.

[mykpart]

22. The following is an excerpt from the book "Raging Hormones."

Why Mommy Can't Read

Why not turn precious moments of quality time with your children into learning opportunities? Simply adapt their favorite stories to introduce your little ones to PMS and help them recognize your erratic behavior as natural and fun. Kids will love it when you improvise and turn a familiar tale into a timely fable such as this:


Snow White

Once upon a time, probably last month and most likely next month too, a beautiful Queen asked her mirror, "Who is the fairest of them all?" The mirror answered, "Snow White, because she's kinder and gentler." The Queen, who otherwise would have been merely annoyed, was experiencing premenstrual headaches and sever water weight gain and became enraged, sort of like when Mommy yells for no reason at all.
The paranoid Queen sent Snow White into the forest, knowing that the girl would never find her way back because Snow White had no sense of direction during that time of the month.
After wandering aimlessly, conversing with flora and fauna and strange premenstrual voices, Snow happened upon a quaint cottage. Finding it empty, she made a beeline for the refrigerator and consumed everything that wasn't plastic or glass. Struck by a sudden domestic urge, she compulsively began to tidy up, rearranging the furniture as she went and complaining because nobody was around to help out. Finally exhausted, she lay across seven tiny beds and dreamed of short men who are easily dominated.
Before long, she was rudely awakened by the happy, hearty sound of males who don't have anything better to do than whistle on their way home from work. "Shut up!" she screamed. "I'm here now and your lives are changed forever." The seven cowering dwarfs obediently fell into line and introduced themselves: Cranky, Weepy, Clumsy, Messy, Puffy, Hungry, and Dick. "I think I'm going to feel right at home here," said Snow White.
She lived there with the seven dwarfs until one day she realized her innermost being that something primal was missing in her life - something that Mommy doesn't think you're old enough to learn about yet.
It depressed her so much that she started bingeing on apples and finally got hold of a bad one. She fell into a deathlike coma, just like when Mommy wants to be alone sometimes.
The seven dwarfs returned home that night to discover Snow White sprawled on the floor. Assuming that she was just dealing with a severe hormonal drop, they left her alone until a handsome gynecologist came along on his horse and recognized her symptoms. Being a real prince, he gave her a lift out of the forest and a prescription for progesterone therapy.
They fell in love, of course, and got married, and they all lived reasonable happiness three weeks out of every month until the prince had had enough and took her back to the forest to live with the dwarfs.

THE END


Other Domestic Fables
for Our Time

With a little ingenuity, you can adapt practically any favorite children's book to gently communicate to your little one how Mommy's feeling today. Here are just a few:


Curious George Gets Shot
The Bitch Who Stole Christmas
The Care Bears Burn in Hell
The Little Engine That Didn't Give a Damn
The Incredibly Messy House at Pooh Corner
Sleeping Ugly
Charlotte's Web of Desire
Ask Me a Riddle and I'll Kill You
Free to Be You, but Not Around Me
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Prescription Drugs

A bit long to put on a list, but I just love it!

[Sanity Claws]

23. Great time to enjoy oral sex

[lildreamer316]

28. aka "earning your red wings" n/t

[LibraLiz1973]

65. I just threw up

:rofl:

[struggle4progress]

25. This thread needs some bad advice for guys:

Tell her, "I bet a bunch of guys at work are gonna be happy to hear this."

[GoddessOfGuinness]

26. The Bible says:

If a woman has a discharge, and the discharge from her body is blood, she shall be set apart seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening. Everything that she lies on during her impurity shall be unclean; also everything that she sits on shall be unclean. Whoever touches her bed shall wash his clothes and bathe in water, and be unclean until evening. And whoever touches anything that she sat on shall wash his clothes and bathe in water, and be unclean until evening. If anything is on her bed or on anything on which she sits, when he touches it, he shall be unclean until evening. And if any man lies with her at all, so that her impurity is on him, he shall be unclean seven days; and every bed on which he lies shall be unclean. (Leviticus 15:19-24)

[crispini]

43. Yep, right up there with the shellfish.

And in the same general area as the gay thing, IIRC. :eyes:

[zanne]

48. At least they set time limits.

Isn't it nice to know you'll only be unclean until evening?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

57. But they have to burn everything you've sat upon, or everybody who sits there will be unclean

Of course, they didn't have products like this one back then:


:rofl:

[Radio_Lady]

64. Oh, please, Goddess. I have a daughter who actually BELIEVES all that shit from Leviticus.

I can't fucking stand that passage.

[Jamastiene]

67. In other words, God was giving men fair warning.

When we women have our period, leave us the HELL alone...or ELSE. Muahahahhaha! :P

[philosophie_en_rose]

27. Now is the perfect time to take up gymnastics or cheerleading.

[MnFats]

29. One word: "Carrie"

rent that movie. you'll love it. promise.

[tigereye]

36. aha

:rofl:

never thought about it that way!

[sarge43]

31. Schedule root canal work during this special time

Not only will the dentist prescribe the Thorazine Big Gulp, according to Grandma, any dental work done during Red Week is doomed to failure and you could bleed to death.

:woohoo:

[Anarcho-Socialist]

32. I am so IBTL

[blockhead]

35. kinda funny

the "cat fart" thread got locked.:shrug:

[cwydro]

34. Once you have a baby

you won't have cramps anymore. (A doctor actually told me this in the 1970's)!

[tigereye]

37. well, it is different

at least for me. I just have cramps off and on for a week, instead of in one raging 24 hours period! And no headache!

[cwydro]

39. Well, I'm glad for you at any rate.

But I have friends who said that didn't work for them and some said it got WORSE. I'll never know, lol. But it has FINALLY gotten better as I get older. So that's one good thing.:hi:

[tigereye]

40. I really think it is different for everyone

I will miss it, in a way, when it is finally over.... :hi:

[sarge43]

41. No, you won't miss it.

*Thank God and Greyhound you're gone!*

[tigereye]

42. ah

:rofl:

well, there is something creatively stimulating about it, I think. That's the main reason I think I will miss it.

[sarge43]

44. OK, creative stimulation

Now I remember: Curled up in the fetal position, hugging hot water bottles and heating pads turned up to supernova, giant economy size can of Midol on the bed table, thinking about all the variations of suicide, suddenly realizing mmmm another little 'accident'. Yeah, stimulating. :wow:

[tigereye]

52. mine weren't quite that bad

usually a bunch of tears, and hot tea. But often interesting songs or poetry were written.

Lots of chocolate.

[cwydro]

45. Oh lordie no!

I will NOT miss it one bit:rofl: . But you're right about it being different for everyone, I have one friend who never had cramps and she went through menopause a few years ago with nary a problem.

[qanda]

47. Hey, that actually happened to me

After my second child, I had no more cramps.

[tigereye]

38. plan a visit to a sweat lodge and Native American Sundance!

[jpgray]

50. Hey! My mom does that. Actually was given a Lakota name

[tigereye]

53. no, but if you are menstruating, you aren't allowed in

from what I have read. (I think such things are cool, but apparently not when you are having your period.)

Actually, husband just found out he is 1/4 Native American. So the jokes and commentary have been fast and furious of late.

I love how you aren't one of the guys who flee the scene when menstruation is mentioned, JP. :thumbsup:

[jpgray]

56. I have a good attitude towards menstruation.

:patriot:

[youthere]

49. "this is the time to address all things that have been bothering you, with SO"

[AngryAmish]

51. You should stretch out before you menstrate

That way you won't get cramps.

[Left Is Write]

54. Take to your bed for seven days, refuse to bathe or shower,

and by all means do NOT exercise AT ALL during this delicate time.

[Connonym]

55. worst ever -- "You can't get pregnant during your period" n/t

[uppityperson]

58. Make sure to let everyone in your family know how you are feeling, loudly

and slamming doors is a good way to emphasize a point.

[PassingFair]

59. The female chant in our house:

"What's wrong with YOU?"

"My UTERUS is SPASMING!!!!!!!"

...repeat as necessary

[smtpgirl]

60. Drink lots of coffee without Advil to give you the most

painful menstural cramps of all

[lavenderdiva]

68. Locking