Just got this assortment of old-folks jokes ...

[Bozita]

 
Getting old is catching up with us all , so be ready!!!
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!
 
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
 
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way" A few minutes
later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says "She got in the
back-seat by mistake."
_______________
 
FAMILY
 
 
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
 
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
 
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
____________ _________ _________ ________
 
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
 
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
 
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
 
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
 
SUPERSEX
 
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
 
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
________ ________________________
 
ROMANCE
 
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to
bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
 
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
 
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
 
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight! !"
 
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
 
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
 
OLD FRIENDS
 
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
 
SENIOR DRIVING
 
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
 
"It's not just one car," Herman said. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
 
DRIVING
 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
 
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
 
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!
 
 

[graywarrior]

1. OMG, I live in Florida!

:rofl:

[begin_within]

2. This is a true story (it was on News of the Weird)

An elderly Alzheimer's patient assaulted another Alzheimer's patient at a nursing home, and the police were called, but when they arrived, neither one could remember that it happened.

[Bozita]

3. kick