Post a punchline, and I'll post the joke

[Orrex]

Rectum? I damn near killed him!

[taterguy]

1. What's this "we" shit white man?

[Orrex]

5. What was the response when the latest Nintendo system failed to pass muster?

[bif]

2. So they don't leave trails like slugs

[azmouse]

3. "Why do you ask, Two-dogs-fu**ing?"

[Orrex]

6. What did the bystander say to the guy who queried a pair of fornicating hounds?

[azmouse]

10. Not even close.

A Native American approached the chief of his tribe and asked him how he came up with all the names for the babies.
"Well", said the chief, "when a child is born to our tribe I step out of my hut first thing in the morning and look around. The first thing I see is what I name the baby. So if I see an eagle soar across the sky I name the baby Eagle-soaring . Why do you ask, Two-dogs-fu**ing?"

[Orrex]

13. Well, no kidding!

:)

Everyone knows the real joke! Where's the fun in that?

[azmouse]

15. awww... I hang my head in shame.

ummm... on second thought, no I don't! LOL :P

But I do love a good joke. I thought maybe you had a million of 'em but only told a thousand at a time!

[krispos42]

74. I heard that one, but with "Broken Condem" as the punchline lol n/t

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

83. There was a Discworld character like that.

A ghost named One-man-bucket, short for "One-man-throwing-a-bucket-of-water-over-two-dogs". Lucky for him, he was the second twin...

[Orrex]

85. That was in Reaper Man, was it not?

Haven't read that one in years...

[Guava Jelly]

4. Thats why I never keep the tooth paste tube next to the Vagisil

:7

[Orrex]

8. "I never know what kind of cavities they're talking about," said my guest.

[Lautremont]

7. And he opened it, and it was ham.

[meegbear]

9. The Aristocrats!

[Orrex]

12. That's cheating!

"I have this act in which the femme fatale totally flashes her brownmillers while performing a nasty Steinem job on her brother's Rehnquist."

"What do you call it?" asked the agent.

[av8rdave]

11. "Well, if you had thought to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

[Orrex]

14. That's a good one--a longtime favorite!

I need to think of a revision. Hmm...

[Sanity Claws]

16. Three

[Orrex]

20. Here's a doozy

As part of his annual "Rome is Burning" celebration, the President invited Brazilio, the famed mentalist, to perform at the Whitehouse. The highlight of the act featured the performer boasting that he could read the President's mind.

"Mr. President," began the magician. "Please think of an even number between two and one million."

"Okay," replied Mr. Bush after several moments of intense concentration.

The mentalist appeared to sink into a trance. "Is your number 42,648?"

"Nope," smirked the Prez.

"How about 823,924?"

"Uh-uh," said Bush.

This went on for the better part of an hour, until the crowd was deeply impressed by Bush's impenetrable mind.

"I give up, Mr. President," said Brazilio in shame. "Please tell us what number you picked."

[Sanity Claws]

46. I laughed

So glad you did not make it into a light bulb joke.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

17. No, it's a zebra.

[Orrex]

39. Ah yes, animal humor!

The churlish man stood admiringly behind the woman at the zoo's display of African wildlife.

"Lady," the jerk said at last, "I gotta tell you that that's one hell of an ass."

Said the woman, "No, it's a zebra."

[AllegroRondo]

18. the bassoon burns longer

[Orrex]

38. Nyuk nyuk nyuk

How can you tell an out of tune bassoon from a Conservative pundit screeching because you set him on fire?

[Bjornsdotter]

19. okay

....spoon Lars? No, it's just my stomach growling.

[datasuspect]

21. the taste

[Orrex]

29. Okay

Rich Little, the octogenarian impressioneer tapped to perform at this year's Whitehouse Narcissism Dinner, surprised the crowd with a remarkably blue performance. But he wasn't nearly as surprising as our esteemed President, who revealed either an unexpectedly ribald sense of humor or culinary predilictions far beyond the wildest imaginings of the beltway.

"Mr. President," asked Rich Little while affecting a Jimmy Stewart drawl. "What do you hate most about diarrhea?"

The President thought for a moment before answering. "The taste."

[Aristus]

22. I'd like to see the joke that goes with this punchline:

"So the conductor shook the concert master warmly by the hand and said: "You're right, sir. There IS nothing quite as Wagnerian as a diminished minor seventh!"

[Orrex]

24. Why, it just so happens that I've got one right here:

On the closing night of the concert season, the concert master and conductor fell into disagreement regarding the relative merits of the orchestra's repertoire and the strength of its playing to date. The two rancorously parted company after the conductor ridiculed and utterly humiliated the concert master.

The orchestra played magnificently that evening, the conductor's baton tracing mad figures in the air while the concert master watched, fuming silently at the rear of the auditorium.

Afterward, at the post-season party, the slightly drunk conductor chanced upon a lovely young woman whom he was able to coax into sharing a heated interlude in the cloak room.

The concert master simply wasn't in the mood for a party and decided to exit early, when he stumbled upon the two in the midst of their tryst.

"What's the meaning of this?" boomed the concert master.

The conductor leapt suddenly to his feet, his baton still tracing mad figures in the air.

"Sir," grated the concert master, "you are fornicating with my wife."

So the conductor shook the concert master warmly by the hand and said: "You're right, sir. There IS nothing quite as Wagnerian as a diminished minor seventh!"

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

23. Here's one

Death by Bunga!

[Decruiter]

80. Alternate punchline for Bunga...

BUT FIRST>>>> THE ARISTOCRATS!!!

(See Martin Mull in "The Aristocrats".)

[sakabatou]

25. Laughing your head off.

[Orrex]

40. What's a euphemism for masturbating while reading this hysterical thread?

haw haw haw!

[sakabatou]

47. Heh

But no. What goes "Hahahaha-" *thunk*?

[Seabiscuit]

26. Punchline to a joke I saw here the other day:

"I would if I had a pussy."

[Orrex]

32. That's easy

Do you have any use for catnip?

I would if I had a pussy.

[Seabiscuit]

60. OK...

but the one I read here was really long, and the punchline came totally unexpectedly.

Oh, and it had nothing to do with puddy tats. :)

[davsand]

27. ...and the CARD!!! Don't forget to read the card!!!!

;)



Laura

[mikeiddy]

28. Go ahead, it's your dog . . .

[Orrex]

36. Hardy har har

So a sexist asshole was walking his dog in the park with his friend, and a beautiful young woman passed them in the near distance.

"Boy," said the asshole, "I'd really like to screw that bitch."

The dutiful friend said "Go ahead, it's your dog..."

[Lethe]

30. He says to the bartender, "Hey I'm a Fungi!"

?????

:)

[racaulk]

63. I...just...can't...resist...

So a mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom says, "Well why not? I'm a fungi!" (read: "fun guy")

:)

[Lethe]

84. you got it!

you win a mushroom!

[Deja Q]

31. Sexual healing

:P

[MrSlayer]

33. A nun with a spear through her head.

[Orrex]

35. What do you call a woman with a bloody bad habit?

[TheBaldyMan]

34. ... that's not my ring that's my wrist-watch

go on, I dare ya :evillol:

[Orrex]

37. A visit to the proctologist

Oscar went into the appointment with a bad attitude, but after several long minutes of probing he really couldn't take it.

"I hate to tell you this, doc," he snarled, "but your goddamn ring is scratching the hell out of my prostate, and your goddamn finger is way too fat."

"Then I've got bad news for you," said the physician. "That's not my ring, that's my wrist-watch."


(edited to add even more funny, if you can believe it!)

[TheBaldyMan]

41. it's a lot cleaner than I remember.

[Orrex]

67. Back for more, eh?

So Oscar returns to the proctologist one week later, having painfully passed the wristwatch that the doctor had left behind, so to speak.

"Hey, doc!" shouted Oscar has he slammed the wayward timepiece down on the table. "You left your goddamn wristwatch in my ass. What the hell do you have to say for yourself?"

The proctologist picked up the watched, looked at it very closely, and shrugged.

"Are you sure it's mine?" the doctor asked. "It's a lot cleaner than I remember."

[two gun sid]

42. You'll have to show me, lady. All japanese cars look alike to me.

[Orrex]

88. The lady of the evening approached a Freeper in a parking lot

"Hi there," she purred. "You look like someone who enjoys engaging in inept and clandestine extramarital fornication. Do you think that you can find my little Nooky-box?"

Said the Freeper, "You'll have to show me, lady. All japanese cars look alike to me."

[SPKrazy]

43. And she came out of the closet!

[leftofthedial]

44. and then she did! -bwaaahahahahaha!-

[chknltl]

45. One shucks between fits, the other......

Are you wearing a big fat dark turban? Is Ed McMahon handing you these answers in sealed envelopes?
Well let's see how you do with the "One shucks between fits, the other....." punchline.
:popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn: :popcorn:

[Orrex]

70. I don't usually work so blue, but...

How do you tell an epileptic corn husker from a hooker with diarrhea?

[chknltl]

82. Yep...(although I use epileptic oyster shucker when I tell it). nt

[Zavulon]

48. How much is a Brazillion?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[LSK]

49. Hey! thats my job!

:popcorn:

[Zavulon]

50. Sorry. Reflex. It won't happen again.

:hide:

[Orrex]

66. You don't know who you're dealing with, Brazillion-joke-wise!!!

That's my favorite DU joke of all--don't make me deploy its many sublime permutations!

But anyway...


"Our mighty coalition is collapsing," sputtered Defense Secretary Gates at the morning staff meeting. "Your string of bad decisions is driving our allies away. Why, just this week your disastrous polices cost us the Poles and the Brazilians."

The esteemed president glanced up from his Froot Loops. "Now, Bob, you know I don't give a hoot about the polls, but how much is a Brazillion?"

[Redstone]

51. "Here comes Bubba, with them two assholes."

Redstone

[Zavulon]

52. "Well then let's take these damn rubbers off."

[Orrex]

69. Hmm...

George and Jeb, of the collegiate Young Republicans, decided to go a little wild and visit a strip club. A concerned friend, upon learning of their plans, advised them to make sure that they used protection.

When they got the club, they say a dozen woman cavorting and writhing on various stages around the room. They also saw an elaborate complementary buffet and decided to eat before sitting down to enjoy the show.

"How do you like the food?" asked George after a few moments.

"I can hardly taste it," said Jeb. "How about you?"

"Me neither," agreed George. "And I can hardly feel my tongue."

Jeb nodded. "Well, then, let's take these damn rubbers off."

[racaulk]

53. So bells start ringing, lights start flashing, and the third nun gets into Heaven.

:evilgrin:

[trof]

54. "...and the butler stuck his dick in the mashed potatos"

H. Allen Smith said that this was the punchline to the funniest joke EVER! Trouble was that nobody could remember the rest of the joke.

PLEASE solve the mystery?

"H. Allen Smith was a well known journalist, author and humorist. The majority of his books were published during the 1940's, 50's and 60's and he was for many years the best selling humorist author in the United States. He is perhaps most well known for writing Low Man on a Totem Pole and Rhubarb, about a cat that inherited a professional baseball team. He was involved in the very first Chili cookoff and also took the unofficial first drink at the end of prohibition (During the 1920's and early 1930's it was not legal to drink alcohol in the United States.). Before becoming an author, H. Allen Smith had a twenty year career as a newspaper man. He interviewed and wrote about many famous people and authored over thirty books including Low Man on a Totem Pole , Life In A Putty Knife Factory , Lost In The Horse Latitudes and Rhubarb. Complete Book List."
http://home.flash.net/~whaugen/smith.htm

[hellbound-liberal]

55. "Well, one is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a dirigible!"

What's the joke?

[Arugula Latte]

56. "Oh, not much. Just sitting around eating Cheetos and watching porn."

[Orrex]

65. Colorful!

"Your penis is the most remarkable shade of orange," noted the urologist. "What have you been doing since your appointment last year?"

"Oh, not much. Just sitting around eating Cheetos and watching porn."

[EstimatedProphet]

57. "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the ointment!"

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

58. "There is still 2 parachutes left, the smart one took my book bag!"

:hi:

[mopinko]

59. and he tapped his finger on his temple, winked

and said- see, kidneys!

[LostInAnomie]

61. Then she said, "I peeled the scabs off."

[racaulk]

64. Hey, I know that joke!

But I won't dare repeat it here. Ewwwwww...... ;)

[LostInAnomie]

68. I don't think DU is even liberal enough for that one.

:evilgrin:

[vixengrl]

62. "Oh, I thought you meant *today*." n/t

:)

[Orrex]

75. Politics

Dick Cheney finally succumbed after his forty-third heart attack. Reeking of sulfur, his blackened soul clawed free of his withered carcass and struggled heavenward until at last, through a monstrous effort of will, the Vice President stood before the Pearly Gates.

"I don't think you're supposed to be here," said St. Peter.

"Give me a chance," said Cheney. "I'm not so bad. On a good day I can even be described as avuncular."

St. Peter sighed. "Well, all right. But first you'll need to list your sins."

"Let's see," said the VP. "I profited from illegal war, I exploited the impoverished, I manipulated energy markets to the benefit of my cronies, I engaged in hypocrisy, my lies led directly to thousands of deaths, and I shattered the careers of decent men and women." Cheney went on for well over an hour. "I deliberately terrified children with my reptilian presence," he said at long last, "and I ate a whole basket of puppies."

"My goodness," St. Peter said. "That's quite a list of sins. How did you accomplish so many sins in one lifetime?"

"Lifetime?" gasped the VP in surprise. "Oh, I thought you meant today."

[vixengrl]

76. I like it!

Better than the joke from which the meagre punchline came! (And more repeatable!)

[mitchum]

71. Well, that's two of us...mine's as big as a house!

[Maddy McCall]

72. "That's how it all got started!"

[MoseyWalker]

73. and that was why he had a long face

?

[Hardrada]

77. They both have handlebars except for the orange.

& No, But the last man who was in there was.

[mykpart]

78. I would, if you won't hit me with that stick!

[bridgit]

79. Hunchback! Hunchback!

[boston bean]

81. he says you have a fish in your vagina and if you have a baby it will be a mackerel. nt

[Lyric]

86. No, mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"!

:rofl:

[Orrex]

87. Poignant!

President Bush was parasailing in the Caribbean when his chute tore in half and he plummeted into the water. Unfortunately, he landed heavily atop some random Liberal who happened to be snorkeling in the vicinity, and both died instantly.

Turns out that the Liberal wasn't a bad fellow but had lately lapsed into a sinful life, and Bush was, well, Bush. So the two ended up standing next to each other in Hell, naked.

"Christ, my ass hurts," said the Liberal. "Those god damned devils shoved a jagged stick way up there."

The President winced. "Was it a big stick?"

"Big enough for them to write NICE GUY on it in big letters, as some kind of sick joke."

"Golly," said the President, taking a peek. "You can only see the Y, it's in so far."

"Shit," said the Liberal. "I never thought that a vacation in Jamaica would lead to this."

The Liberal happened to glance at the Prez's posterior. "Hey, yours has a Y on it, too. I guess that means that, despite our political differences, we're both nice guys after all."

Mr. Bush winced again. "No, mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY!"

[XNASA]

89. SMDOTAFO

[izzybeans]

90. The Aristocrats! :jazz hands:

Don't get the thread locked, now.