Bad Joke Friday

[edbermac]

A spaceship lands on an unknown planet. Two of the occupants get out and try to determine where they are, but they can't see anything as it's nighttime.

After a while one guy walks into some trees and starts feeling them; he tell his companion "We're on Pluto".

The second guy replies "How can you tell we're on Pluto by feeling a tree?"

The first guy replies "Because of the BARK, dummy!"

:rofl:

[Rosco T.]

1. G.R.I.T.S.*

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted nawthern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the Nawth, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Nawthern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swayya," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swayya you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny, indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means! Might never learn, I reckon.

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:

1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day, or after Labor Day

Southern girls always say:

1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:

1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah."
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mama?"
5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's:

1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name:

1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Shugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:

1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"
5. "Sweet Home, Alabama"

Southern girls keep their cities dripping with Southern charm:

1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say)
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S'vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins
7. Nashvul
8. Oh! and that city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:

1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

*G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS. Even the Nawthern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

4. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Just like all over-weight people:
1. Sure can cook. (not true at all, some can't)
2. Sure can sing. (if they are on the choir)
And my personal favorite... 3. "S/he is just big boneded." ( No, they're over-weight)

[BOSSHOG]

2. Guess what I herd?

Sheep!

[AmyDeLune]

3. "Borrowed" from another board...

A cowboy was watching his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new, BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes has a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That 's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.....this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.


Here's another:

A man was driving down a deserted stretch of Texas highway when out of the corner of his eye he notices a sign.

It read:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and so he drives on without a second thought.

Soon he sees another sign, which says: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.

Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.

The door is answered by a little nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and as she walks away tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a similar, long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door.

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign which read:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER