How do I tell my best friend that she's a "decent guy repellent,"

[LaraMN]

because she radiates insecurity?
She's smart, accomplished, beautiful, funny, (and wholly liberal), but she sells herself SO short. She can't understand why she can't find a decent partner, but when she meets a seemingly compatible guy, I literally WATCH her turn introverted and awkward. It's awful. How do you help someone else gain confidence in themself? She's such a prize, she shouldn't feel so crappy about herself.

[SPKrazy]

1. Don't Know If You Can

she's got to find a reason to want to feel better about herself.

It sounds like it obviously isn't a reason thing and is an emotional thing as the confidence in oneself thing always is.

You can tell her that she needs to figure it out, but surely she realizes that there's a problem.

Maybe point out that the only common thread in all of her failed relationships is her?

Maybe that's too harsh a way to say it, but the truth is that we all create our own reality and the one she is creating is one of a beautiful liberal woman, who is insecure and awkward.

No one can fix her, she'll have to find her own fix and that is hard to watch sometimes.

:pals:

[LaraMN]

4. I know- you're probably right.

I just hate to see her bummed, and I know her to be such a fabulous person that I want her to recognize all she is, as well.

[SPKrazy]

15. Recognize Her For All She Is Then

love her, be her friend, let her do what she has to do, encourage her, but that's all that you can do I think.

:hi:

[liontamer]

2. i don't think calling her a decent guy repellent will make her feel better about herself

Just try telling her about her good qualities, and remind her of them often. In front of seemingly compatible guys if necessary

[LaraMN]

3. Her words, pretty much.

I would otherwise not say that!

I'm trying to pump her up, but I don't think she believes anything I say about her.

[liontamer]

7. she probably doesn't

there's not too much you can do but be supportive and repetitive :hug:

[leftofthedial]

5. give he my number

I'll set her straight

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

6. This is not so difficult

IF she can see it from a certain perspective. For example what quality do women, generally, say they prefer in a man? It's almost always CONFIDENCE! :)
No matter what else is going on if a person (in this case your friend) can project CONFIDENCE she will ATTRACT people to her.
See if you can get her to 'fake it till she makes it'. Sounds trite, works wonderfully! Ignore the self destructive negative thoughts and ACT the part. If she meets even a small success that is a building block.
Of course, I should state in the interest of full disclosure, I have yet to follow my own good advice......... :)

[idgiehkt]

39. lol

sometimes like flies to shit...If you ever watch "Elimidate" the guy always picks the most 'confident' skank out of the lot, for sure.

the fact is that 'confidence' or 'charisma' or whatever has very little to do with what a person is like on the inside, how faithful they are, how moral they are, how empathetic and compassionate they are. Although it can be a very distracting and enticing feature, all that glitters most assuredly is not gold. I've known quite a few very confident assholes in my life. I think this girl maybe needs to try dating sites, or volunteer work, or some other form of meeting people where the emphasis is less on all that facade b.s. that people have to pull off on dates. Somewhere out there, I'm sure there is an introverted man that will be incredibly grateful to have her. The secret is not to waste time on the ones that can't appreciate her finer qualities, or the ones that just pretend to for an ulterior purpose. What is tough is making those distinctions.

[idgiehkt]

8. I'm hoping

that since she's all these things
"smart, accomplished, beautiful, funny, (and wholly liberal)"

somewhere out there there is a man who is intelligent enough to see all that and look past her shyness. Shyness can be a good thing, it's a shame that more people don't appreciate it for what it is instead of thinking of it as a flaw; in this day and age it is very much an asset. I'd appreciate shyness in a partner any day, if it is in fact real and not part of a line they are selling to make themselves more appealing or appear innocent in a way that they really are not.

[NC_Nurse]

9. Therapy.

She may not even realize she's doing what you describe, but there are reasons she is.

Somebody wasn't okay with her intelligence and beauty when she was young. Trust me, she may not know
it, but that's probably it.

Tell her what you've noticed. She may not even know she's putting out that vibe. I found that therapy was really
helpful.

[EstimatedProphet]

10. That's tough

After being a decent woman repellent, I know what she's going through.

You have to really be comfortable with yourself. That's more than job one, that's JOB ONLY. Nothing else will ever work if you're not. But you already know this. So, she needs to find out why she's not comfortable with herself.

Spend some time with her talking about her feelings. Help her explore her motivations, if she'll let you. If she is calling herself this, then she's potentially open to exploring her feelings, if it is done in a comfortable and positive way. Maybe with a few probing questions she'll see what it is that keeps her from accepting herself.

[leeroysphitz]

11. When she meets the right guy and the chemistry is there then things

will just "click" and that awkwardness and introversion either disappears quickly or never manifests at all.

I met my first and second wives this way.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. Some people are simply hard to match

I've found that when I'm with the right person, I don't have to even try to be sociable or clever. I just AM.

Unfortunately, the right person seems to come around with about the same frequency as comets.

[BlueIris]

13. Wait, the insecurity is turning *away* the men?

In what universe? Most of them flock to it like tigers upon antelope. 'S less intimidating for the poor chaps. I'm convinced that your friend just hasn't met the right "'decent' guy."

P.S. If you want to keep her as your best friend, maybe you should stop focusing on whether she can become more confident (which it sounds like she is, when she's not around men) for the express purpose of landing a male partner. WTF? She's...your best friend, not a pet. Also, this isn't "Sex and the City" (and even on that atrocious show, the female "friends" didn't look down on each other for being single, or lacking "confidence."). Seriously, if my best friend cared, let alone tried to "fix" a supposed decent guy repelling problem, I'd go get a new one and never look back.

[Xithras]

14. She said "decent" guy.

Most decent guys aren't interested in insecure women. Creeps, on the other hand, prey on them and manipulate their insecurities in order to gain control over them or use them.

[idgiehkt]

18. that is very true, in some respects.

about the creeps, that is. But not all decent guys are 'secure' and confident themselves. There are a lot of guys out there that are truly shy and humble and may be looking for a more introverted partner. She might have better luck finding a guy on the internet, with the caveat that it be a dating site and that she make him jump through some hoops before committing even a little of her heart to him.

[Deja Q]

21. Sorry, that's another stereotype. People in bars and even my counselor have said to me that

insecurity turns people off.

However, insecurity DOES intrigue vermin such as robbers, rapists, and killers... I can think of two instances where I'm lucky to be alive -- and have my car.

Nor do I venture into downtown Minneapolis anymore.

[Pierre.Suave]

16. I am no expert, but...

I'd say she just needs to find the right guy to love and accept her the way she is, and not any other way...

Whoever said that this insecurity probably stems from something in her childhood is probably right, and I would guess it is her dad. It is sad really, Dads play such a big role in the upbringing of little girls.

She needs a very nice guy to love her, hug her, and tell her she is beautiful/smart/funny/and that she is loved/ etc.. every day for the rest of her life, but she also needs to get past whatever is in her past so she can be her own person and not rely on anyone else.

[alarimer]

17. shyness is not just lack of confidence

This society does not know how to deal with shy people. It is almost like it's unAmerican to be shy. It can be crippling in social situations. For myself, I literally have NO idea what to say. Nothing, not one word comes to mind. I feel like a freak and they think I am a freak too. So, never a second date here, decent guy or not. So I have no idea what advice to give except to say that "Be more confident" "Buck up" and that sort of thing isn't really all that helpful.

Introverted people are introverted by nature and I am not sure they should be expected to change to suit the world around them. I am in favor of "be yourself". I have gotten to the point where I just don't give a damn what sort of impression I make. I have no expectations of ever seeing the person again. Sometimes that makes it easier to relax. Oh and (except on a coffee date) I usually have a beer or two, not enough to get drunk but enough to relax a little.

[LaraMN]

35. The thing is- she's NOT shy or introverted around most people.

She just won't even attempt to talk to anyone she finds intriguing; she's too self-deprecating. If she's forced to interact with someone she's interested in, she behaves so awkwardly that it's difficult for the object of her attraction to get a sense of what she's *really* like. I keep telling her how great she is, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I think she's just got to internalize the belief, and learn to "fake it" when she feels so insecure. That's obviously much easier said than done. I just don't know what to tell her, anymore.

[suzbaby]

43. I know exactly what you mean.

I'm a shy, introverted person. I often find myself scouring my brain for SOMETHING to say - I think part of the reason I do this is because of the way shy people are often treated. Have you ever noticed that shyness is the one and only personality trait that people feel free to comment on? I get things said to me like, "Gee you're quiet," or "You should talk more". I can't tell you how irriating it is. No one does this for other personality traits. When's the last time you heard, "Gee you talk a lot."

I finally have had to accept that being shy is part of my personality and it is NOT a shortcoming.

[wildhorses]

19. i would think a truly decent guy would appreciate a little

shyness and humility

are you sure they are decent guys:shrug:


not to be flip but, decent guys are a rare commodity these days.

how old is she?

[SPKrazy]

29. =+=

you are probably making a wonderful point there WH

rare guys are a decent commodity

or something like that right?

:shrug:

[wildhorses]

32. it is just that most guys don't look past the surface as

evidenced by george clooney-pamela anderson item:wtf:

[SPKrazy]

34. Clooney Pamela Anderson

of course the standard can go both ways

I don't understand Anderson's attraction, well I could have maybe at one time. She has become such a commodity so to speak and really I don't think ever that attractive, but she did make Baywatch so she must be hot, right?

I think one has to look past the surface except for eye candy or you end up with a short lived relationship that has nothing after the neurotransmitters become adjusted back to normal. I think that goes both ways, but women tend to choose differently than men, you are right.

:shrug: :hi:

[Deja Q]

20. Tell me after you tell her. I sound like her male equivalent...

Except I've more reasons to feel like I'm not a prize. :)

[The Traveler]

22. Drag her ass to a martial arts class.

Me, I'm a big beliver in female empowerment. Nothing empowers women like the ability to kick ass, take names, and rip off a complex form in under a minute. Six months of Kempo or Shaolin Do Kung Fu or any other rigorous art will do marvels for her self esteem.

This sounds silly but it isn't. The social dynamics of the proper school are designed to bring forth from each the best expression of their personal power. Training the body assists in rewiring the mind. And, it is fantastic exercise.

The odds are, also, she will meet someone cool who can appreciate her ... a side benefit, not to be advertised to her.

I have pushed several outstanding women with similar problems into martial arts schools, and the results have always been amazing.

[alarimer]

23. That might be a good place to meet people too

I never thought of it myself- maybe I should. People always say that you should join clubs to meet people. In my experience it is mostly women who do a lot of volunteer work so I don't know if that would be the way to go for a woman to meet men. But I would imagine that in martial arts, the opposite would be true. Me, I am taking up kayaking and maybe learning to fish. That ought to reel em in. LOL

[The Traveler]

24. That sounds like fun!

Never could roll the boat worth a damn myself ... but I got pretty good with a canoe.

[alarimer]

28. I have a sit-on top

No rolling necessary. If it tips over, you just fall out!

[The Traveler]

30. There are advantages to that ...

I got stuck in one once, upside down, pressed against a rock, couldn't roll.

It sucked.

But then I got my foot loose ...

:)

[mduffy31]

25. Send her my way

I mean who wouldn't want a professional educated guy, cause I can't find anyone.

[philosophie_en_rose]

26. If she doesn't feel she's good enough, maybe she doesn't understand how anyone is interested in her?

and maybe is suspicious of them. . .

[Lydia Leftcoast]

27. And it occurred to me that perhaps she can't read the signals of the

shy guys who are attracted to her.

I was in that situation once in my youth. I had an incredible crush on a guy who lived in my dorm, and he seemed ambivalent about me. It wasn't until years later that a mutual friend told me that the object of my affections had also had an incredible crush on me and had not known what to do about it. :banghead:

[TheBaldyMan]

31. a decent guy will stick around long enough to find out how cool she is

she might have known you a long time and is just so shy she needs time to feel comfortable enough around someone to act naturally.

[LaraMN]

36. That's what I'm hoping. I'm just sad for her.

If she was content with being single it wouldn't be an issue, but I know she's lonely and wants to meet someone. She's SO damn great, I just wish she could meet someone who'd appreciate her and see what a one-in-a-million kind of woman she is. I love her to death and I want her to be happy.

[BikeWriter]

33. I wouldn't know. I've never hung out with that type of woman.

[JVS]

37. As I've heard on DU before "Be confident, stupid"

if she's insecure it's because she has issues. She's not ready yet. She needs to work on her issues.

[struggle4progress]

38. Maybe she just needs a shtick. A pulltoy, say:

http://gallerycrafts.com.nyud.net:8090/products/toy/toy%20images/pull/helocopter_otc127.jpg

Guys, of course, will be irresistably drawn to the helicopter, so she's just got to work out a first gags:

Him: Why are you pulling a helicopter?
Her: It's a really common psychology class experiment.
Him: So you're taking psych ...
Her: What!? Pay $20,000 a year to pull around a pull toy? Hell, no!

[rockymountaindem]

40. I've got the same problem

In that there's this girl I really, really like who is exactly as you describe. I could be Mr. Romance and it'd just bounce right off her. I'm pretty sure that if she ever figured out how much I care for her, she'd never talk to me again. She's *that* afraid of guys. I'm one of three dudes she's friends with. It's a bad scene for sure.

[LaraMN]

41. If she's anything like my friend,

maybe it would be easier for her to date someone she's well-acquainted with (such as yourself,) than a person who doesn't know her well. I wouldn't give up hope if you really like her!

[rockymountaindem]

42. Well, I hardly ever see her anyway

We go to school in different states. Well, different countries actually, if you count Canada :)