How do you say, "You don't have a prayer of a chance with me, so piss off..."

[Maddy McCall]

without exactly saying that?

I'm asking for a guy friend. Really, I swear I am. Here are some details, so that maybe I can get advice for this particular situation, as it relates to the more general question.

He works at a place where he has no co-employees and no supervisors on-site for 99% of the day. It's kind of a place where you do your hours, but you are always on-call. When the call comes in where you are needed, you have to jump and run to go to the scene where you are needed. So visitors often drop by, but most don't stay more than 30 minutes.

A woman has a major crush on him. She has latched on to him with all ten claws, and she won't let him breathe. She's not his type at all (says he, and it's pretty evident to me, as I know him well), but she won't take subtle clues. For the past three weeks, she has literally clung to him.

She shows up uninvited at his place of employment, and sits around all day. If he leaves to go pick up something for lunch, she leaves, but the minute he drives back up, she's pulling in behind him. If he tells her that he's going to have to close up to go home for awhile, she drives circles around the station until she sees his vehicle in the parking lot, and the minute he drives back up, there she is. When she can't find him, she calls him continuously, even though he's NEVER answered a phone call from her.

She takes days off work to sit around and gaze at him, and even brings her sick child to his place of employment, and lets the kid run rampant--in a place where no children should be.

Tonight, he was called to duty, so to speak, as were the other people (including me) who assist. There she was, on scene, as if she was supposed to be there. She walked up to me to strike up a conversation, but I kinda walked away--I figured asking "What the fuck are you doing here?" would be, well, bitchy. She actually thinks--and tells people--that she's in a relationship with this guy. He's made it more than clear (to me, and to the people he works with) that it just ain't so.

He gripes about her when she's not around (which is rarely). He says that he has tried to give cues to her without coming right out and saying "Get the fuck away from me." Tonight, he asked me what I think he should do. He said that her showing up on scene was the final straw and that he's about to tell her to fuck off. (He is one of those genuinely nice guys who it's hard to piss off, but once you exceed his limits, get out of his way.)

A little bit more about the woman: recently divorced. Claims in the most sensational way that a policeman has a crush on her and is stalking her (I call bullshit--the cop and I are very good friends, and there's no way he's stalking this person). She almost brags about being "stalked" by this cop, as if it will make her somehow "belong" in the line of work we do, and also, I think, in a feeble attempt to make my guy friend jealous.

He has done nothing to lead her on. When at site, he does his work, and she sits in a chair chatting about stupid shit on her cell phone, which, from what I've observed, seems to be more for his benefit than for hers...stuff that she thinks will make her appealing to him. He has given her NO attention--there's no reason that she should even feel welcomed when she's around her. He doesn't even talk to her, except to say "uh huh" or "yeah."

So how do you give someone a clue when they seem to be clueless? Is it possible to give someone the ol' heave-ho without being heartless?

[LeftyMom]

1. Restraining order.

She's not going to get it. She's going to make up crazy shit about him like she's doing with the cop. Never let himself be alone with her. If she's going to be around, he needs a witness, a tape recorder, something, because she's the kind who will try to destroy him (or any woman she perceives as a rival) when she finally realizes he's not interested.

[Maddy McCall]

4. Really? Do you think that he needs to go to that length?

The irony of the situation is that one of the cops who would be charged with enforcing the restraining order is the cop she's claiming is stalking her.

How wild is that?

Seriously, LM, you don't think that there are any words that he can say that will make her just go away?

Dang it, I think so, too. There are some other details I didn't post about her that support what you are saying.

I was just hoping, for his sake, that there might be a way out without being utterly heartless. :(

[LeftyMom]

20. Growing up, I had a friend who used to do stuff like this, when we were teens.

She was a wounded person and more than a bit crazy. No amount of blunt words would convince her a guy wasn't interested, just as it took no hint outside her own mind to decide he was. If she hasn't figured out out yet he's not interested, she's not likely to until she must, more than likely when she sees him with another woman. And then she's going to think said woman "stole" "her" man and crazy shit will happen.

He needs to get this information recorded and communicated to trustworthy people before she makes some crazy legal accusation.

Honestly, this woman sounds like she's a penis and a van away from being the villain in a lifetime movie.

[Maddy McCall]

28. Your teen friend of yore is this woman....

Except this woman is FORTY-THREE YEARS OLD.

Copying and saving your post. THANKS, LM. :hi:

[Bucky]

53. "a penis and a van away from being the villain in a lifetime movie"

Iambic pentameter! I think this is most Shakespearean thing I've read on DU. You, madam, should be writing sonnets.

[fudge stripe cookays]

87. She sounds like an "erotomaniac"

The people who make up relationships in their heads about people who don't even know they exist. She could go from kooky to dangerous in a wink, it sounds like.

Sounds like he definitely need to lay down the law. She sounds like she's cutting into his business and personal time, and the following thing would creep me out like crazy. He needs to do something NOW. I think a restraining order sounds like a good idea.

[sendero]

55. This isn't attraction..

... this is stalking. I agree with you.

[MichiganVote]

102. Agree. Stalking. And...can be dangerous...

[Redstone]

2. Two words: Restraining Order.

And sooner, rather than later.

Redstone

[Maddy McCall]

6. Crap.

I hate that he may end up having to do something like this. I was hoping for some magical turn-off words that would send her packing.

:(

[Redstone]

13. No magic, I'm afraid.

Redstone

[Shakespeare]

21. Second that. And don't wait, either.

The woman's off her rocker.

[KitchenWitch]

3. He needs to be direct and tell her that she has no chance

The time for tact has long since passed. After he is that direct with her, and she still clings, then it is time for the restraining order.

Fatal Attraction anyone?

[Maddy McCall]

11. That's what I think, too.

This is the kind of guy, though, who wouldn't ever intentionally hurt another person's feelings. He is perplexed why she ever stopped at the station the first time, since he didn't know her from Adam before she stopped by (except that she had a mutual friend inquire about him).

How should he say it to her? If he tells that he can't have guests at work, I think she'll start stalking him at home.

I don't know how he can craft a statement to her that will accommodate his personality--he is a person who isn't very assertive, until he's way pissed, and then he's ruthless. He's trying to find that middle road, and I just don't know what that might be.

:(

[KitchenWitch]

16. He just needs to rip the scab off as it were

Tell her that he has no interest in pursuing even a friendship with her, and then be sure that he does nothing to sabotage the no contact thing. In other words, be solid in what he is saying and make sure his actions do not give off any mixed messages.

If she persists, then he needs to file the papers.

[Maddy McCall]

25. I am copying and saving your comment.

I'm going to show him the best ones so that he will have some idea of how to verbalize his disgust with her.

THANK YOU.

:hi:

[KitchenWitch]

27. Anytime my friend!

:hi:

[Ghost in the Machine]

56. Your friend sounds a lot like me... almost too much. It's scarey...

I'm one of the most laid back people you could ever know, but once pushed past a certain point, it's "off with the gloves, and all bets are off" time. There is no inbetween, believe me, I've looked for that road for a long time. I'm either "the nicest guy you could ever want to meet in the world" or "100% purebred, bona fide, certified, undignified asshole".

Yes, your friend should never be alone with this woman. She sounds a little obsessive/compulsive and maybe even psychotic to me, but I'm no expert on that field. I just calls 'em likes I sees 'em. He should have a security camera going at all times when she is at the station. Cover himself at all costs.

[JVS]

5. You need and intervention where everyone involved lets her know she's a douchebag

[Maddy McCall]

15. Won't work.

No one knows her well enough to care. :)

Seriously, she just kind of "appeared" on site one day.

You know, I would be embarrassed to appear so desperate and clingy, especially when everyone who's around is aware that he's not interested at all in her.

But she is clueless.

[JVS]

18. LOL I feel awful for laughing, but the idea of nobody caring enough for an...

intervention is just so dark.

[Maddy McCall]

23. Well, I'm not kidding!

:D

It's a fucked situation. I wish I could go into more detail about the woman's personality, but most people would be put off by her within the first three minutes of meeting her.

[JVS]

7. plan 2: taser

[rug]

8. He doesn't need a restraining order. He needs to be blunt.

He's doing no one a favor by saying uh huh to her and complaining to everyone else instead.

There's nothing wrong with staring her in the face and saying No.

Besides, there's no grounds for a restraining order here.

[wildhorses]

12. be blunt and straight to the point

you have to speak a language that she understands...

[Maddy McCall]

19. I agree.

Any idea of how he should do this? He HAS given her cues that you or I would have picked up on. But he's not been nasty to her.

The guy is completely non-assertive and nonconfrontational, until he's had enough.

[Shakespeare]

24. Disagree. She's STALKING him.

Showing up on scene for his job is so off-the-charts wrong. She hasn't gotten the message by now, she's not going to even if he looks her dead in the eye and says "go away, I never want to see you again."

[Maddy McCall]

31. Speaking of which...

He won't even make eye contact with her. None. I've watched the dynamics of this "thing," and he gives her ZERO cues that he might be interested, and dozens of cues that he's not interested.

He never makes eye contact with her. He never initiates conversation with her. She decided that she was in love with him (says one of her friends to me) EVEN before she met him. She saw him at a banquet one night--she was on serving staff, and she saw him across the room. That was at Christmas. From that moment forward, she's been relentless.

And he's done NOTHING to encourage her, and lots to discourage her. You and I would have understood the situation, were we her, a LONG time ago.

It's quite sick.

[hippywife]

52. If he can't confront her directly

how about bringing her friend into it to help ease her off? Sounds like there are a lot of connections between people in this situation and that many of them know each other. There must be someone who can sit her down and explain the situation without hurting her more than will be necessary. That could definitely lead to more drastic action on her part...if she gets it in a way that is very hurtful or embarrasing.

[philosophie_en_rose]

71. Maybe she believes that they are friends.

Imagine you have a friend that you hang out with. Maybe you have inappropriate boundaries, but how are you to know how someone feels about you - unless they say so.

[Maddy McCall]

73. She's telling people that she is in love with him and that they are dating.

To her, I guess, dating means sitting at the station watching a guy who never talks to you work. That's the extent of their relationship.

No friendly banter. No conversation. No reciprocity.

She thinks that they are an item.

[jus_the_facts]

9. Sounds like he needs to get a restrainin' order....

....or just tell her to fuck off since she is clueless! :D :hi:

[Maddy McCall]

32. Yeah, I'm of the "fuck off" school.

It's worked well for me in the past, with a couple of exceptions. Thank god for guy friends bigger than the guys I told to fuck off. :P


:hi:

[Mojambo]

10. I agree with LeftyMom

This could get really bad after he finally tells her to get lost (and he will need to do that)

The description sounds like a stalker. There's no telling what she might do.

He should take steps to protect himself starting immediately.

[Maddy McCall]

33. I'm going to print out this thread....

and take it to the station tonight. I'm going to hand it to him and tell him to read it when he's alone. (I have no doubt that she'll be there when I stop by.)

[SeattleGirl]

14. I recommend a restraining order, also. He is being stalked, no

question about it. This is a situation that could get out of hand in a second, so it's best to put a stop to it right now.

I've been the victim of stalking, and while my situation didn't go as far as your friends' has, it was still very scary and unsettling.

[Maddy McCall]

34. I just don't think that he sees her as dangerous.

But, while she's not physically threatening, her stalking crap about our cop friend should have been a huge red flag to him.

[SeattleGirl]

45. Your friend sounds like a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt her.

But sometimes, we have to go against our better nature, in order to ensure our wellbeing.

[Maddy McCall]

48. I know that. You are right.

I'm going to the station now.

I asked him the other day, "You don't think that she'll follow us to calls, do you?"

Lo and behold, there she was tonight, five minutes behind us when we got on scene. And the work that's being done is dangerous. I don't know what even went through her mind that she thought that she should follow us to the scene, where her very presence not only is unwelcomed, but also presents an additional hazard to those of us who were trying to do a very dangerous job.

I am quick coming to the conclusion that she's nuts. The more I talk this out with DUers tonight, the more I am thinking that he's going to have to be rudely, crudely direct with her to make her go away.

:(

[fudge stripe cookays]

89. Has anyone just flat out told her...

"You need to go home"..especially at calls?

All he needs to say is "Go home. Leave me alone." If she continues to push this, he knows what to do.

[Kali]

17. documentation of nuttiness, "fuck-off", restraining order

in that order.

[JVS]

22. right

[Maddy McCall]

36. Yeah, I think that you are right.

He's got witnesses. Like I said, she's there all the time and people stop by throughout the day.

People are making fun of her because they know that she's being a nuissance to him. I've just never encountered that type of desperation.

I'm the kind of person who does the "fuck off" thing quite quickly. I have a personal space issue, and when someone gets in my space, I push back quite assymetrically. He's soooo not like me--he's a kitten of a person--again, until he's pushed way too far, and then he is explosive.

[lizziegrace]

26. Maddy, the others are right

He should not be alone with her and when he tells her to go away and not come back, there should be at least one witness. He also needs to tell her if she comes back, he'll get a restraining order.

I've lived a situation like this and the other individual was bi-polar and very, very unpredictable. It took threats of legal action to make it stop and go away.

:(

[SPKrazy]

30. I Think You've Got It!

witnesses
documentation
restraining order if it is that serious
etc.


BTW

like your new avvie and sig line!

Go George (and lizziegrace)

[lizziegrace]

35. Thanks!

We share the same birthday (not the same birth year...)

:)

[SPKrazy]

39. ...

I remembered that

and we share the same birth year! you're just older than me! :rofl:

[lizziegrace]

41. I'll never live that down

will I?

;)

[SPKrazy]

46. Nah

It's just how I remember


After this many years, a month or two doesn't make any difference anyway ;)

:rofl: I'm sorry I couldn't resist that last one

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

37. Well, some rumours have circulated about mental instability....

about her.

Do you think that this could be related to bi-polar disorder? I kinda think that she might be, from the behavior I've seen.

I think I'm going to drive back to the station in a few minutes to have a talk with him.

[KitchenWitch]

38. I would not rule BPD out (bipolar disorder)

Either that or it could be Borderline Personality Disorder.

But I am no shrink.

[lizziegrace]

40. Hard to say

bi-polar, narcissistic, sociopath...

He needs to very careful.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

43. The Label Is Less Important Than The Behavior

a diagnosis is mostly for communication and categorization of disease

symptoms are more important for looking at risk

[jpgray]

29. Ultimatum

That simple. No need to involve police unless that is uneffective. Some people are incapable of picking up on seemingly obvious social cues, and spelling everything out clearly is a good first step to see if a restraining order is necessary.

[Maddy McCall]

42. I agree....

but at what point does it become obvious that a restraining order is necessary?

If she continues to drive around the station? If she continues to stop at the station? If she tries to contact him in any way?

I don't think she's going to stop, even if he makes it crystal clear to her. I really really hope she does, though.

He really wants nothing to do with her. He's told me that she's driving him crazy, because he can't get his work done because of her presence.

Ok...how would you say this to her? I'm not well versed in civil fuck-offs. That's the advice I need now.

Thanks, jp.

[KitchenWitch]

44. He needs to tell her for sure that he is not getting his work done

Which is jeopardizing his employment.

[jpgray]

47. That's tough to say--the "I'm very flattered" route is out

Because the target of the behavior doesn't want anything to do with her and shouldn't give her false hope. Being completely honest is good. Something like:

"I'm sorry that you seem so interested in me, because I don't wish to have you as a friend. Please do not attempt to see me again; it's very upsetting to me."

Sounds assholish, but a restraining order is worse than the truth in this case. If the truth doesn't work, then...

[Maddy McCall]

49. THANK YOU.

I'm going to the station now.

I'll report back, if he's there and she's there.

If not, I'll report back tomorrow, as I'm sure he will be there, and she'll be there at some point during the day.

Thanks, jp. Thanks, DUers.

:yourock:

[AlCzervik]

50. exactly because if he doesn't say the bit about not even wanting to be friends

that leaves the door open for her mentally, she'll think she still has a chance at some point.

[jpgray]

51. Yep. Harsh, but with some stalker-types you can't leave any doubt

Even with the admittedly kind intention of sparing their feelings.

[Dude_CalmDown]

54. This actually happens to me a lot - a fucking lot

Of course the one girl I'd do anything for will never have any interest in me (yeah - my life). Anyway it's always a girl that you happened to be nice to one time just because you happen to be a nice guy. She's usually either the friend of the one you're actually after or someone you struck up a conversation with while having a smoke and took your random chat as hitting on her. They never take any subtle hint. Nothing. They'll come to your work at lunch and you can ignore them the entire time and they will not take the hint. You don't call them back - you don't even know how they got your number but they always happen to show up at the bar you're at and have no problem with the fact that you told them you're just going to stay in that night. Subtle clues do not work. The only thing to do is to go against your natural instincts of trying to break it easy to them and just corner them with reality.

What he needs to do:

The next time she shows up he needs to tell her: "While I'm very flattered that you seem to have taken such an interest with me I must be honest with you and tell you that I have no interest in you. I'm sorry to so blunt but I really don't want to lead you on in any way. So please just leave me alone."

That's it. She's most likely going to pretend that he's reading too much into what she just assumed was a friendship (yeah right) but so what - let her get her last words in. She might show up 1 or 2 more times to try and pull off the whole "I just like hanging out here and being your friend" bit but she won't be around much longer. It sucks sometimes and you feel like an asshole but letting her build this fantasy much longer is much more cruel than just giving it to her straight.

[Maddy McCall]

61. You know this girl?

LOL. Your description is spot on.

I am going to tell him to be clear that he has no interest in ANY kind of relationship with her, not even friendship...to be very clear to her about that.

I missed him at the station awhile ago. He used to hang out down there until ten or eleven o'clock. Now he goes home at six or seven because of her constant presence.

I'm going to give him a print out of this thread tomorrow. Thank you so much for your advice.

[mopinko]

57. he should be honest and upfront. no nonsense.

ya know, way back, i was stuck on a guy who, i still believe, cared about me, but couldn't deal with it. it went on and on, and i was an idiot. in the end, he finally said, look, go away. know what i said? thank you. that is all you had to do. i am glad you did. take care.
so, he should give it a firm try. it is a kindness to her, also.

[Maddy McCall]

62. Thanks for this, mopinko.

It takes a lot to admit that you've been there. I just don't see you being as clueless as this woman is.

:hug:

[mopinko]

64. well, it was a long time ago.

i was freshly divorced, too. but, he shornuf did things to make me think he was interested, if you know what i mean.

edited to add, he also did plenty of things to let me know that he was not interested. but all of them were ambiguous and cowardly.

[Maddy McCall]

67. This woman is freshly divorced, too.

But the guy hasn't even pretended to like her. It's crazy.

[AWESOM-O]

58. Show him this:

[Maddy McCall]

63. Only thing is...

in this case, it never began. :D

Cool poster...I've got a couple other guy friends who need that print on their living room wall. :D

[Left Is Write]

59. It's time to be heartless. She is harrassing him at best, stalking him at worst.

She drives circles around his place of business, waiting for him to show up? I had a stalker who did the same. And he just kept escalating and escalating, as this woman will undoubtedly do.

He needs to stop worrying about sparing her feelings. He needs to be blunt. If that doesn't work, go with the restraining order suggestion.

[Maddy McCall]

66. Yeah, I have been through it, too, LiW...

but I had no problem articulating my sentiments to the stalker.

This guy, well, he's the soft-spoken, silent type who takes a lot from people before he gets angry. He's more considerate of other people's feelings than he is of his own. Because of that, he never has "people problems." He's never the squeaky wheel.

Let me rephrase that...he never has "people problems" until they push him so far that he's backed into a corner--it takes a LOT of abuse before he'll stand up for himself, and when he does, get outta his way.

But he's the most loyal, most true-blue friend you could ever want to have. When he asked me for advice on how to make it clear to her, I told him to let me think about it, to give me a day, but to please not verbally demolish her until AFTER we talk again.

Anyway, yeah, I agree that stalkers seldom get a clue. I just can't imagine the mentality--can't imagine grabbing and holding on to something that someone doesn't want to give me...can't imagine being somewhere where no one wants me to be, where it's obvious that I've become a laughing stock.

It's a terrible situation. :(

[Left Is Write]

60. Also, you might suggest he rent and view "Play Misty For Me."

[Maddy McCall]

68. Eeek!

I ought to take it to the station tomorrow and say, "Hey, let's all watch a movie!" She'll be there, no doubt.

:D

[wildhorses]

65. why not say it just like you said it here?

"You don't have a prayer of a chance with me, so piss off..." i really doubt this guy's sincerity. i think secretly he is getting a kick out of all the attention:shrug:

[Maddy McCall]

70. Nah, I can tell you that this guy is not liking the attention.

Truth be told, there's another woman who's interested in him--she stops by the station occasionally, and they chit chat for a few minutes. He likes her attention--the difference is, he reciprocates.

The psycho woman's attention is not something any sane person would enjoy. And he's most definitely sane. If he enjoyed it, he wouldn't have discussed it at length with me tonight. He wouldn't be looking for advice on how to get her to leave him alone.

[philosophie_en_rose]

69. By saying nothing, he is leading her on. He knows she is clueless.

He needs to be blunt. "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work. I don't think we can be friends, and I need you to stop contacting me." If that doesn't work, he may need to get a protection order or something.

Maybe this woman is just lonely, so I think your friend should show some compassion. It's not a personal judgment that he is not interested in her. It's just true. But he should be assertive and clear about his intentions.

Otherwise, he knows that she is clueless about his passive rejections, and he is knowingly exacerbating the situation.


On Edit: I didn't realize that this was just a random person that showed up and not someone that he knew. In this case, this is creepy stalking and not a friendship gone wrong. But he stills needs to take that first step and tell her that she needs to give up. It must be really upsetting to him. If he feels guilty, ask him to keep in mind that cutting her off is the nicest possible thing to do. It is not healthy for her (or her kid) either.

[Maddy McCall]

72. See, that's where I disagree. I think that we are all responsible for our own actions.

The problem isn't his behavior; as I've said several times in this thread, he's done nothing to suggest to her that he's in any way even remotely interested in her.

I really don't see how he's to blame.

I do think you're right, though, that he's going to have to be clear. Not what would be clear to people like you and me, but what would be clear to her.

It's sad.

[tinfoilinfor2005]

74. He could tell her he's gay and has no interest in her.

The word gay doesn't necessarily mean homosexual, so he wouldn't be necessarily lying.

[Maddy McCall]

77. Well, I don't think it'd phase her.

I've seen people infatuated with others. But I've never seen anyone abandon all of their self-respect and pride to publicly latch on to someone like this person has.

I honestly don't think it'd phase her. Indeed, I think that it'd encourage her. She'd probably say, "It's nothing we can't work through."

:)

[struggle4progress]

75. How about escalated comments, with witnesses?

At the workplace: "This is my place of business. You don't have legitimate business here. Please leave."

On the phone: Pick up the phone after letting someone see the number from caller ID and say simply "Please do not call me again." If another call comes in, put a block on it. This will cost money but might help with the court order.

If followed: "Please do not follow me again."

Next, calm calls to the police: "I asked her not to show up where I work but she continues to show up." "I asked her not to call but she calls." "I asked her not to follow me but she follows me." Original police reaction may not be terribly helpful -- in which case he should simply keep a record of the calls and ask the police to keep a record because he thinks he's gonna need a court order. In smaller jurisdictions, friendly police may be willing to talk to the woman -- "Hey, why doncha just leave the guy alone?"

[Maddy McCall]

79. All excellent advice.

I'm so glad I asked DUers for advice.

I'm going to tell him to make sure that some of the other guys are there when he tells her. Hell, me being a woman, it might be best if I'm there (though I'd REALLY love to hear about it AFTER the fact).

[Lydia Leftcoast]

76. My stalker kept stalking as long as I "tried to be nice"

I finally had to tell him to stop bothering me--in front of his roommates. I hadn't wanted to humiliate him, but I couldn't take it anymore.

My suggestion is to try the "fuck off" approach first, and if that doesn't work, a restraining order.

[Maddy McCall]

78. Yeah, I think doing it in front of people is going to be necessary.

I hope that that will be embarrassing enough for her that she'll get the message.

[rockymountaindem]

80. Dig a moat around the office and install a drawbridge

Seriously, this woman sounds like a creepy stalker.

[liontamer]

81. erotomaniac

There's a mental disorder where people think they're in a relationship when they're not. She might needs help. A restraining order might be necessary.

[Kali]

82. So what happened?

[Shakespeare]

84. Kick for Maddy.

I've been dying to know, too.

[Maddy McCall]

86. I was out of town yesterday during the day...

drove by the station on the way home last night, and no one was there, which is usual as it was kinda late.

I'm going by this afternoon--when she should be there. I'm going to ask him to come outside so that I can talk to him.

Thanks for asking. I promise to keep y'all updated on this.

:hi:

[texas1928]

83. Everybody in the office needs to tell her that, hey only employees allowed.

So you can not be here.

Be blunt, it may hurt her feelings but he does not want her around anyways.

[idgiehkt]

88. Duh.

Reading this thread is a riot.

I mean, Maddy goes to great length to describe this woman as a psycho and then asks people for advice as if the man in question is capable of putting a stop to it. Either he had ulterior motives in the first place he's not being clean about because he's embarassed now, and playing Mr. Innocent, or he really didn't give her any encouragement. Either way, a personal attempt to affect her behavior is probably gonna inspire retaliation. If they have cameras onsite, he needs to have management pull the tapes, look at them and ban her from the site. Insurance purposes could probably be reason enough, especially with a kid running around. It is such a simple, simple solution and it's kind of funny to me how long and drawn out this thread has become, or that there even needed to be a thread on DU for the man to figure out management needs to be involved.
His reticense to do anything about it makes me very suspicious though. Maybe she has dirt on him. Maybe he is not telling the whole truth. Wouldn't be the first time someone covered their behind by misrepresenting a situation like this when they dug themselves in deeper than they should have...in fact that is a pretty common occurence. It sounds to me like he is afraid to piss her off. Wonder why?

[Maddy McCall]

91. You've got quiet an imagination.

I described things as they are. Did you not read my responses?

What would make you think that he's afraid to piss her off? He's NOT afraid to piss her off--he's just the kind of guy that doesn't piss people off. Kind-hearted, generous, non-aggressive.

Your post sounds like you are projecting something from your past on my situation. The things you've said about my friend simply aren't true.

[idgiehkt]

93. Possibly.

Projection is human nature. People do it all the time. What sprung to my mind immediately upon reading this was a situation I witnessed as a teen wherein a young girl and guy had some sort of involvement at a party one night. As time progressed the young girl started showing up where we were working, along with friends. Although I wasn't involved with either faction, the boy's friends or her friends, I did notice that it seemed to be getting nasty and complicated. At first the guy claimed innocense but what had apparently happened, which he admitted to me later, is that the girl had gotten really drunk and he had slept with her. I suppose some would use the terminology 'taken advantage of' but not having been witness to the situation, I wouldn't. His denial of any involvement with her initially allowed the situation to escalate and caused friends of his to take false stands on his behalf that they were later embarassed by. I think everyone learned a hard lesson in the end.

Since watching that situation escalate and seeing the damage that can be done when adults get involved in the affairs of others I have always remembered that it is always possible I am not being told the whole story. In fact, it's probable, so I try to take human nature for what it is, wish people Godspeed and stay out of it. I would especially advise you to do so if you really think that the woman is unstable. You could very easily make yourself a target, legally or otherwise, and it isn't worth it. The man's superiors at work need to handle it, that way it will be done on a professional level, one that she can't take personally. And perhaps they need to expand that and make it clear she is to stay completely away from him, off locations scenes as well. For whatever reason he can't or won't handle it, and it behooves the company to get it taken care of. If she's truly unstable, though, it makes me question why he would want you to put yourself in harm's way over it. It would seem like he wouldn't want you to fight his battles in a way that might possibly put you at risk as well...a man should really handle his own affairs instead of hiding behind female friends.

[Maddy McCall]

94. When a guy (or gal) friend asks me for help or advice, I listen.

he wouldn't want you to fight his battles...a man should really handle his own affairs instead of hiding behind female friends.


You are so far off-base with your assessment. Really, I do think you are projecting another situation on this one.

Where did you pick up that he's asking me to "fight his battles?" How does asking for advice equate to that?

Is something going on with you that you feel like you should bring that into this thread and bend this situation to fit one that you might be involved in?

I really am confused about what your motive is to make me into some woman avenger when I've not in any way intimated that that's my role--desired or otherwise.

Perplexing.

[idgiehkt]

95. It alarmed me

when you said you asked the woman "what the f*ck are you doing here" at the scene. Please get legal advice on this, what you are doing is completely unwise. Regarding other situations, feel free to tell me, since it seems like you are dying to. You won't be the first, lol.

[Maddy McCall]

96. You do have reading comprehension problems.

I didn't say that to her.

Maybe if you'd take the time to actually read what I wrote without projecting your own situation on this, you'd see it differently.

Don't need a lawyer, but thanks for the advice.

[idgiehkt]

97. my own situation?

I'm 38 years old. I've seen quite a bit in my time and one thing I can attest to is that matters of the heart are always complicated and it is best to stay out of them where it concerns other adults. I don't think you need an attorney at this point but if you get involved in the situation with your friend instead of letting him and his superiors at work handle it, you might end up needing one. I don't have a 'situation' as you call it although I did get a chuckle sunday night from a pm from a friend of mine alluding to a 'soap opera' going on between myself and someone I have actually had no contact with for weeks. So your thread probably did touch a nerve with me. I'm dumbfounded people want to keep themselves so concerned with my affairs, to the point that you, someone I considered a nice person until recently, are having such a strong reaction here in this thread and alluding to things I can't fathom how you would even know about.

[Maddy McCall]

98. You're pinning things on me that just aren't so.

I didn't say what you said I said. I didn't act as some "protector" as you have somehow painted me up to be.

Therefore, it seems to me that you must be dealing with some situation yourself in which circumstances may be similar, and you're taking it out on me, as if you are equating me to someone else. And equating my friend to someone else.

Good luck with whatever you're dealing with.

[idgiehkt]

103. lol

"I didn't say what you said I said."

I can't think about this any more. I'm laughing out loud. If I can't make sense of the first sentence, I can't go any further. I know you didn't say that to be funny, but I'm can't quit laughing.

I'm not taking it out on you...I just really, really think you need to not involve yourself with this woman. It's a bad scene, and he needs an authority figure to put it to her to stay away. I chimed in here because I don't think the advice given so far was very good. Probably a mistake.

I'm not really dealing with anything, but it appears others are dealing with me, lol. Thanks, I'll probably need that luck.

[texas1928]

107. Okay you two...

Don't make me come over there.

[Maddy McCall]

111. How big's your paddle?

:spank:

You just MIGHT be encouraging me to keep it up. :D

[texas1928]

112. I use my hand.

You know that good flesh on flesh...
:blush:

[idgiehkt]

113. I'm done.

I got a fit of the giggles and that ruined everything.

:rofl:

[Madspirit]

85. Stalking

She sounds like she needs some help badly. I would call the police and just apprise them of the situation so it would be on record. Then if she gets even nuttier, they would know.
Stalkers are very dangerous.
Madspirit

[MissMillie]

90. If he's afraid of hurting her feelings he could always lie

and tell her he just got engaged to someone else.


but I think blunt is better.

[Evoman]

92. Tell him to say this:

"Omg I just realized how much I love you. I love you so much that I would die without you. I need you like the stars need the sky. I love you so much..my soul yearns for you. Lets get married and have babies. I mean..like right now."

And watch her run! HA.

[trof]

99. Could he show up with a date somewhere she will be?

Even if it's a 'beard'?

[Maddy McCall]

109. I think that she'd "forgive" that.

He's got another gal friend who's a riot to be around...she showed up at the station and sat in his lap and said, for the other woman's benefit, "Jeff is MY guy. Everyone else better leave him alone."

The woman mumbled some excuse about having to run an errand. As soon as the other woman left, she showed back up at the station as if nothing had happened. And stayed four more hours.

Maybe we just need to put a big "NO VISITORS AT ALL" sign on the station. But it'd cut out the visits we get from cool friends--like the nutty friend who sat in his lap. :D

[trof]

119. Psychotic. Is she a groupie?

I think I know the surroundings you're talking about.
Guys in uniform.
That kinda stuff.
Nothing seems to work with her.
How about hiring a hitman?
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, Agent Mike.
:scared:

[Maddy McCall]

123. Yep...

that's the surroundings.

Except he's the only guy in uniform there throughout the day. He's the only person on-staff who's there all day. So there's not a supervisor around to tell her to leave.

And, as you probably know, it's a taxpayer funded facility. So it's hard to block people from visiting, since their taxes fund the place.

[gardenista]

100. It concerns me that you're so concerned with someone else's social life

if it's really a problem, he should ask his CO to order her out of the place, particularly with an unruly kid causing who knows what kind of chaos.

You want my advice? Stay out of it.

[trof]

101. It concerns me that you're concerned about her concern.

I'm CONCERNED.
;-)

[Maddy McCall]

105. .

:thumbsup:

[gardenista]

106. Oh no! This could go on forever!

:P

[Maddy McCall]

104. Thanks for your advice.

The guy is a friend of mine from childhood. He came to me for advice. Maybe you don't help your friends when they ask you to, even if that help is only giving advice when they ask for it. I do, though. That's one of the beautiful things about friendship.

[gardenista]

108. Something sounds very strange about this situation.

It's good that you're friends and you want to support him. But it's probably best handled by him, or by his boss, not you.

That's all I'm sayin'.

[Maddy McCall]

110. I have no desire to handle it.

I will give a friend advice when he asks for it, though.

[pokerfan]

114. I got about halfway through

and was already saying restraining order.

Tell him to rent "Play Misty For Me."

[SOteric]

115. The "Civil 'Fuck Off'"

"You are very probably a decent woman who most certainly deserves to be adored and cared about. I don't feel that way about you, and I'm not going to. Every minute you spend here waiting for me is a waste of my time, of your time, and of the man whose likely out there somewhere lonely and searching for a woman just like you."

Tone is everything. Civil involves a gentle tone. "Fuck Off" demands a firm and somewhat frosty one. With a little practice one can manage all three at once.

[Maddy McCall]

116. That, m'dear, is a work of art.

I always tend toward the "fuck off" advice. I'm not much of a wordsmith. But what you have written, well, that's a work of art.

If we have a call tonight, I'll tell him this. Thank you.

[trof]

120. I second that emotion.

Yes mam.

[lizziegrace]

117. Wow...

:applause:

[Q3JR4]

125. I like it...

I probably would have added something along the lines of, "I'd rather have my eyeballs pecked out then spend any more time in your presence..."

Then again I'm a heartless bastard when it comes to this kind of thing.

:evilgrin:

[XemaSab]

118. Maybe you should talk to her

and just float the idea that he isn't interested in her and see how she reacts. :shrug:

[yellowdogmi]

121. Two words and a link.

http://www.rejectionhotline.com/

[mtnester]

122. Maddy, as someone who HAS been stalked

and nearly killed by being choked in the gutter of a curb by my stalker, he either gets a restraining order or has some type of upper management order her off premis....permanently.

It is much harder on a public street or incident, I know, however, place of employment is easy.

Tell him to take all the steps advised by everyone in this thread re: stalkers. If he won't, then there really is something else going on.

DOCUMENT everything...every minute thing. Seriously. PM me if you like.

[crim son]

124. Call me stupid but I don't find this situation to be either crazy

or alarming or anything other than sad. Have you not all come across a situation like this in your life? And how many times has the woman turned out to be a psycho-stalker-freak? Not that often. The woman, or man as is sometimes the case, needs to be told clearly and unambiguously that her attention is unwanted, period. Give the poor girl the benefit of the doubt before you get a restraining order. And do make use of co-workers to help keep the woman out of the workplace, if need be, once she has been informed that her presence there is undesirable. Some people see what isn't there but it doesn't make them dangerous. I think your friend has tried too hard to be civil and the time has come where he must be brave.

edited for poor wording. there is probably more

[Hosnon]

126. Meet me at Hal and Mal's in 20 minutes and I'll explain...

You got first, third, fifth and seventh rounds.

(When are the Jackson DUers going to hang out?) :hi: :dunce:

[Maddy McCall]

127. Tell ya what...

You buy first, second, and third rounds, and then everything after that will come out of my pocket...cuz I won't care at that point. :D

I don't know when we should meet up--we ought to think about this Spring sometime.

:hi: