Air Traffic Control Humour

[Parche]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f..ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: " Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and th us had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

***************************************************************************************************** < BR>One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." !
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[KitchenWitch]

1. *snerk*

:spray:

:rofl:

[libnnc]

2. Add another one

My SO is a controller at Charlotte. A couple of months ago she meant to tell a pilot to turn to heading blah, blah (I forgot exactly how she told the story) but instead it came out "Turn to heading____ for spanking." :rofl:

[Little Wing]

3. good stuff

thanks for the :)

[trof]

4. OK, Lufthansa:

Taxiing out at JFK.

"Lufthansa 800, you're cleared for take-off."
"Lufthansa 800, roger."

The airplane doesn't move.

"Lufthansa 800, Kennedy tower, I say again, cleared for take-off."
"Roger tower. Standby. Ve haf a passencher count problem."
"Lufthansa, I need you to take-off or get out of the way. What's the trouble?"
"Our passenger manifest shows two more passenchers than ve get in the head count. Ve must resolf dis problem before ve take off."

After a few seconds, an unidentified voice comes on the frequency.
"Check the ovens."
:evilgrin:

[wildhorses]

5. ground control to major tom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jldQ7Z-LawQ

Ground control to major tom
Ground control to major tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

Ground control to major tom
Commencing countdown, engines on
Check ignition and may gods love be with you

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,
Four, three, two, one, liftoff

This is ground control to major tom
Youve really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now its time to leave the capsule if you dare

This is major tom to ground control
Im stepping through the door
And Im floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet earth is blue
And theres nothing I can do

Though Im past one hundred thousand miles
Im feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell me wife I love her very much she knows

Ground control to major tom
Your circuits dead, theres something wrong
Can you hear me, major tom?
Can you hear me, major tom?
Can you hear me, major tom?
Can you....

Here am I floating round my tin can
Far above the moon
Planet earth is blue
And theres nothing I can do.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

6. Back when they still had telegraphs...

I remember watching two telegraph workers have a short conversation with each other with literal "beeps." They then both bust up laughing. I guess all professions have their jokes.

[Cannikin]

7. That was hilarious. That was better than the maintenance request/response ones.

[mainegreen]

8. "Because you lost the bloody war!"

"Don't mention the war!"
:rofl:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. I like this one:

Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."

Captain (after quickly scanning the annunciator panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."

Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."

Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."

Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."

[pokerfan]

10. LOL (1944 but I didn't land)

Along the same lines:

Aviation Aphorisms

Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back - then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!

Everyone already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.

Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

[barb162]

11. These are really funny. And glad I am not flying any time soon