Am I wrong in being very angry?

[xmas74]

It took me months to get my daughter a pair of glasses. Ever since I bought them (she picked out exactly what she wanted)she has left them at school overnight three times now. (She's only had them since Feb 12.) She lies about them being at school and has even on one occasion accused me of having them instead and forgetting that I had them.

I had to forgo other things that were needed. (Glasses for myself would have been nice-mine are 6 years old now. I need some work done-they found a chip from a wisdom tooth that was pulled years ago and it's causing an abcess. The car needs lots of work-you get the picture.) Instead I had to buy her some glasses, some new pants since she'd had a growth spurt and I had to pay for $300 worth of Girl Scout cookies that I was stuck with.

Anyway, she's grounded for a week. No television, no friends, no meetings. She's informed me that I'm horrible and that I should "get over it." (This is a six year old, just for the record.) She has also informed me that my parents said that I should have purchased three or four pairs of glasses for her in case she lost a pair. (This from the same people who superglued my lenses into a pair of frames they found at a garage sale when I was younger because someone punched me and broke my frames. I wore those frames for two years.)

Am I really being that silly? I don't have the money to replace things and she needs to learn a bit of responsibility.

[Nicole]

1. No

I would be angry too.

I would be especially angry with my parents for telling her that!

ETA:

Is there anyway you can sell those cookies? That's a lot of money tied up in cookies.

[xmas74]

2. I've been trying to sell them.

Everyone around here is now "cookied" out.

And they are all Thin Mints.

[Connonym]

5. I've seen people selling them on Ebay

Girl Scout cookies that is. Regarding your daughter, you are absolutely not out of line. Wishing you smoother times.

[xmas74]

9. You're not supposed to.

They gave us that spiel at the council meetings. (I'm a coleader.)

If you are caught doing so they can make you and your child leave the organization permanently. Most of the ones that sell online (no ads or sells online whatsoever, according to national offices) are people who just stocked up and have no affiliation w/ Scouts.

And thank you. I'm tired of being informed that I'm too rough on her. IMO, I'm more lenient than most.

[Arugula Latte]

7. Damn! Thin Mints?!

They should be selling like hotcakes ... or Thin Mints ... :9

[xmas74]

10. No one wants any more cookies.

They probably will in a month or so.

(And I have two and a half cases sitting in a closet right now.)

[ikojo]

3. If you don't set boundaries and limits when

your daughter is SIX, it will be nearly impossible when she is SIXTEEN and expects the newest and coolest car for her birthday.

Sounds like a wee bit of a prima donna you have there.

[xmas74]

11. This all started happening when I could no longer make ends

meet and had to move back home w/ my parents. Rents went up, daycare went up, gas and groceries and utilities went up-but my paycheck didn't.

Once we moved home they became the bosses. In this house I'm at the bottom of the chain of command and it's been encouraged to be so.

She used to do as she was told, knowing that she earned an extra 1/2 hour of television, time baking cookies, having a friend over for dinner, etc. Now, she knows if I say no she can ask my parents and they will give her whatever she wants.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

4. No.

And I'd take away everything else, not just the television. Let her sit on her bed and look at the ceiling. Disrespect is not to be tolerated. And then I'd get my parents on the phone and give them a good talking to about undermining my authority. What the hell? THey would have flipped if someone else had barged in on THEIR parenting, wouldn't they? My god, all this at six years old? You're in for a nightmare unless you stop this now.
Duckie

[xmas74]

13. They use common threats.

They like to say that they will hotline me if I don't do as they think should be done. They also tell people that I was a mistake and that they will do better "with this one."

I put my foot down constantly. They are the ones who tell her not to listen to me.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

14. You live with them don't you?

Holy hell. Is there no place else to go? Because you have got to get away from these people.
Duckie

[xmas74]

16. Rents went up again.

Average two bedroom is now $700 a month and I can't save any money because my check goes to them.

And I won't stay w/ a friend, even though I've had many offers.

[Breeze54]

21. Apply for emergency housing assistance!

Get on the lists!! Apply everywhere! Call your local HUD office!

You need to get under your own roof and away from your parents!

Get a studio!!

[xmas74]

31. No emergency housing in my area.

They cut funding to it-all of it. They used to help but now there is nothing and it's affected the homeless and the abused shelters.

As to HUD/Section 8-the waiting list just went to five years before they will assess your application. Since the list is so long they shut down the offices in a few counties and have combined them a few counties away. I've called and they've informed me that they will not accept any applications.

And the studios will not accept children. (I live in a college town. Quite a few two and three bedrooms won't accept children. They want college or military only.)

[Breeze54]

34. HUD does have emergency housing! It's Federal!!

That's not a state thing, it's Federal!!

If you qualify as an emergency situation and you do,
then you get bumped to the top of the list!!

[xmas74]

36. They informed me that I don't qualify.

They said that there are too many others waiting for assistance and that I don't qualify, since I don't fit under the homeless section. (I don't since I have a utility under my name, meaning this now works as a roommate situation.)

I've tried over and over again. They've said they don't have the funds for it. And I don't qualify for state aid either.

[Breeze54]

45. All you have to do

is have your parents write a letter saying
that you and your daughter can no longer live with them!

It's the truth too! ;)

If the people at HUD insist, then go to a shelter!!!

You can apply at every office in MO!!

[Breeze54]

38. Missouri received $20,745,790 !

BUSH ADMINISTRATION ANNOUNCES MORE THAN $20 MILLION IN GRANTS TO HOUSE
AND SERVE THOUSANDS OF HOMELESS INDIVIDUALS AND FAMILIES IN MISSOURI

http://www.hud.gov/local/mo/news/pr2005-12-20a.cfm

WASHINGTON -

Thousands of local programs that house and serve homeless persons- from emergency shelters and transitional housing projects to permanent supportive housing programs-will receive $1.33 billion
in funding through grants announced today by Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson. Included in the funding announced today is $20,745,790 to support 60 local programs throughout Missouri. The funding is expected to provide critically needed assistance to persons
and families living without a home of their own.

"Today, we take another step along the road toward that day when we end chronic homelessness on
our streets," said Jackson. "The funding we announce today will help provide homes and vital services
to those who need them most-persons and families who deserve a place they can call home."

HUD's funding is provided in two ways:

* HUD's Continuum of Care programs provide permanent and transitional housing to homeless persons.

In addition, Continuum grants fund important services including job training, health care,
mental health counseling, substance abuse treatment and child care.

* Emergency Shelter Grants convert buildings into homeless shelters, assist in the operation
of local shelters and fund related social service and homeless prevention programs.

Combined, HUD's Continuum of Care and Emergency Shelter Grant programs will provide critically needed funding to nearly 5,000 local programs in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

For a more detailed local summary of the funding announced today, visit HUD's website.
http://www.hud.gov/offices/cpd/homeless/budget/2005/

[Breeze54]

41. MO - Feb 23, 2007 They just got nearly $1.4 billion in funding!

CSL to receive boost from HUD funding

Blue Springs Examiner, MO - Feb 23, 2007

A local agency will receive a portion of the nearly $1.4 billion in funding
granted Tuesday by the US Department of Housing and Urban Development for ...

http://news.google.com/news/url?sa=t&ct=us/0-0&fp=45e6511ca909dd37&ei=0z3mRYj_M5D8sgGR08XCDA&url=http%3A//www.examiner.net/stories/022307/new_022307012.shtml&cid=0

[xmas74]

46. Blue Springs is a suburb of KC.

Most of that money went to KC, St Louis and the surrounding areas.


Can't argue now-tornado sirens going off!

[xmas74]

44. According to the offices

we're not considered to be homeless.

And according to the local paper last month they still don't have enough money to help everyone. They've reported an increase in homeless residents of our county this last year-triple what it was two years ago.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

22. Wouldn't it be better than dealing with parents who don't give a rat's ass about you?

I mean, what is going on is emotional terrorism. I recognize it because I too have a mother who acts like I'm the dumbest creature on the planet, and wishes I was never born.
Duckie

[xmas74]

37. Most of my friends live out of state.

I can't cross the state line w/o informing her father, according to my crappy court bit. And no one can find him.

If I could afford an attorney I could petition but I can't afford one right now.

[Breeze54]

47. Call Legal Services of Eastern Missouri!

http://www.lsem.org/

Mission Statement
Legal Services of Eastern Missouri is an independent, non-profit organization
that provides high-quality civil legal assistance and equal access to justice
for low-income people in Eastern Missouri.

Offices
St. Louis (Main Office)
4232 Forest Park Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri 63108
Phone: [phone]
Phone: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
> contact us via email
> map & directions

Hannibal Office
801 Broadway
P.O. Box 1276
Hannibal, MO 63401
Phone: [phone]
Phone: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
> map & directions

Union Outreach Office
20 South Church Street
Suite C
Union, MO 63084
Phone: [phone]
Phone: [phone]
Fax: [phone]
> map & directions

They can help with that court order and with housing!

see also:

HOUSING ASSISTANCE

What is the Housing Assistance Program?

The OACAC Housing Assistance Program helps pay rent for low income residents
so that they can live in a house, apartment or mobile home which is decent,
safe, sanitary and affordable.

Where Does the OACAC Housing Assistance Program Provide Services?

The Housing Assistance Program helps people in Barry, Christian, Dade, Dallas,
Lawrence, Polk, Stone, Taney, Webster and Greene Counties
(Excluding the City of Springfield).

http://www.oacac-caa.org/ha/

[xmas74]

49. Those do not affect my county.

I'm in Central and, as of right now, there is no funding.

I've been told that there is funding for other counties and that you could move to this county w/ assistance from another county but


another tornado warning.

[Breeze54]

58. Call them anyway and get a reference!

You never know! Be persistant!
Remember? The squeaky wheel gets the oil! ;)

I hope you didn't have any tornadoes and that you're safe today!
That's a really scary feeling! Yikes!!

[crim son]

6. Nope, my kid would be grounded the same way.

If s/he hasn't got an innate understanding of the value of your money and the value of the glasses, it's your job to teach her. You're doing the right thing.

[xmas74]

15. I told her how much they cost.

Then I showed her my glasses, all scratched up and bent. She said that my parents said to get her another pair-it didn't matter.

I'm still putting my foot down and tomorrow morning we're going to school to search for the glasses. If she's late for class she'll have to apologize to her teacher and explain why she was late.

If I had done that even once I would have been in alot more trouble than what she's getting.

[Breeze54]

8. You have more problems than eyeglasses!!

"She's informed me that I'm horrible and that I should "get over it."
(This is a six year old, just for the record.)"

NO six year old would talk to me like that especially my own kid!!

What are you thinking???? :wow:

Read her the riot act and straighten her little ass up!

She is probably being teased about them. Talk to the teacher.
Get her a pretty chain to hang them around her neck or something like that.

She's SIX!!! Not sixteen!! Wake up!

If she's acting like that at six?? You have way bigger problems headed your way!

Stop that behavior --- ASAP or she will always be running your life!!

[xmas74]

18. I know she didn't come up w/ it on her own.

She was quoting someone, probably my mother. That is exactly what my mother would say. My daughter is just the parrot.

Until I can afford to leave this area the situation will stay like this. We've tried therapy and the therapist stated that my parents needed to attend too, since most of the problems occur whenever they get involved. I just don't have the money right now.

[Breeze54]

26. At six, she's old enough

to be straightened out, that saying that to you is wrong!

You should sit down with your parents and have a meeting and set the ground rules!

#1. Teaching my daughter to disrespect me is WRONG!

Can you minimize the time she's there?

Get her in an After-School programs?

The boys and girls' club? Friends? Neighbors?

[xmas74]

33. They see her in the morning.

They get her ready for school while I'm still at work. (I work all night).

The rest of the time is with me. It's just that hour or so daily is all it takes for them to convince her that I'm the devil.

And their behavior comes from a long-standing battle reaching back to my own childhood. I'd thought they were over it-guess not.

[Madspirit]

12. No

You're not being silly at all. At six they really don't get the "sacrifice" part but still, she is old enough to keep track of her glasses. You have a lot on your plate. Don't give yourself a hard time.

I leave you with a cliche...<g> This too will pass.
Lee

[xmas74]

20. Thank you.

[NashVegas]

17. Not At All

What's important is how you express the anger. By all means make sure she understands you are angry, just don't go laying a guilt trip on her about finances and make her think she's some kind of bad seed.

By all means remove the privileges - you can't watch tv if you can't see it, can you?

As for your parents, invite them to buy her a back-up pair if they think she should have one.

[Madspirit]

19. Agree

Tell the grandparents to not undermine you.
Lee

[NashVegas]

24. I Hadn't Seen the Earlier Reply

That she's living with her parents. You gotta be careful if you're going to piss in that pot. Which is not to say you let them get away with crap, so I edited my post.

[xmas74]

25. They already know I'm pissed.

They also told me to "get over it."

(Interesting how that was exactly what my daughter told me.)

And I'll never make her feel like a bad seed type. I already take the blame for things that I don't have to just so she doesn't feel as bad. (Example: she wants to know why her dad won't see her. I always tell her that it's because he's mad at me. It's actually because he doesn't want to be a father)

I never want her to feel bad but I don't want her to be spoiled to no end.

[mzteris]

29. ooo -

Don't play the martyr. She'll blame you for everything.

I'm not saying you should "blame him" or her - or anything but it certainly ISN"T your fault that he's an @sshole.

Tell her that Dad's having some problems right now. That he does love her but that due to circumstances he just can't see her until things 'get better'. She doesn't have to know right now that it may NEVER get better. She'll figure it out on her own.

The point is, DON'T BE THE WHIPPING BOY! It doesn't help anyone - especially you and your relationship with your daughter.

(sorry if I sound preachy. I don't mean to - but BTDT, ya know, and got the tshirt to prove it. :) )

[xmas74]

35. I know.

I just feel bad. She's never known her father-never. Other kids in her class talk about their fathers all the time. I feel bad and I do get punished for it often.

(I guess it's better than my parents telling her that he lives in another country and doesn't have access to a phone. I don't believe in an outright lie.)

[mzteris]

42. then why the hell does it matter if you

"leave the state"??????? Doesn't sound like he gives a rats patootie.

Move woman, move!

Tell her the truth. You don't KNOW where he is and you don't KNOW why he hasn't called. Tough, yeah, but the TRUTH and easier to deal with in the long run.

Look - I'm sorry - I know I'm sounding all bossy and sh*t - but this sounds like a bad situation that is bound to get worse unless you get into a different environment asap. The longer you 'live at home' the more you're going to 'lose your daughter'. Undoing the damage they're doing will be damn near impossible if you stay too long - especially at *this* age.

Many kids these days don't have dads or have absentee dads or have multiple dads - it really shouldn't be that big of a deal unless you're in a really small town. Talk to the teacher and the school guidance counselor about it, too. They can - and should - be of help in this situation (absentee dad.)

In addition to having been a single mom, I'm also an adoptive mom and have been a foster mom - so I've dealt with some 'situations' in my time.

[xmas74]

50. Because then I'm in violation of a court order.

He pulled that a few years ago. A relative stated that I had considered it. (A cousin of mine is his friend.) He called me and informed me that if I did move he'd inform the courts.

I used to dispatch-I've entered the warrants into the system. In this area, they will issue for violation.

And I'm in a smaller military town. Very conservative and she's heard about how it's wrong not to have a mom and a dad from a classmate.

[NashVegas]

30. You have My Sympathies

Very tough on the dad thing. I think you should try to find a way to be more honest without assigning blame to anyone - and without trying to rationalize too much.

It sounds like you're going to have one very screwed-up kid on your hands. Family counseling might not be a bad idea, if you can get help from Social Services.

[xmas74]

39. They took away any assistance from Social Services

about a year ago. I almost had the money to buy a cheap trailer when they did this. The only assistance we received was medical insurance and now I have to pay it on my own-to the tune of $265 a month.

Missouri went from being very good about health care and assistance to being one of the worst in the US in a little over a years' time.

[mzteris]

23. first of all -

deep breath.

Second of all: MOVE!!!!!!


It sounds like the biggest problem is your parents. Have you tried talking to them? Remind them that YOU are her Mother, they are NOT her parents.

I know what it's like to be a single mom without a lot of $$ and a whole lotta responsibility - but it IS doable. Tough, hell yeah - but - it sounds to me like you really need to get out of there and to a place of your own.

Set some boundaries - for your daughter - AND your parents.

:hug:

edit html

[xmas74]

28. I have to move out of this town to do so.

Rents are way too high here. We moved back here because this is one of the top school districts in the state.

I'd move sooner but I give them my check and they give me some gas money. If I'm lucky I can make the gas last longer and keep a few dollars in my pocket to buy a Coke but that doesn't always happen. I had to empty what was left in savings for the glasses and the cookies and beg for the rest.

I have an offer to move out of state but my court order says I can't leave w/o her father's consent. Right now I can't find him and I can't afford an attorney to go in front of a judge for me to ask permission to leave the state.

Eventually, things will work out but for now...it just sucks.

[mzteris]

32. your parents don't sound like very nice people

I'm sorry - but there it is.

Is there some sort of free or reduced cost legal clinic? Contact the court and find out what you can do. Explain that you have a job elsewhere and the ex isn't helping.

Is he paying child support? Is he adhering to the other stipulations of the court order? Visitation, etc? It sounds like he's NOT - so if he's in violation - you may be able to do whatever the hell you need to do (without an expensive attorney). I don't know for sure - these things vary from state to state.

[xmas74]

48. NO child support.

There's an order but he doesn't pay. And Legal Aid won't take family cases-they said they can't handle the caseload.

I still have to go in front of a judge. A coworker did so two years ago. It costs her thousands and her ex simply said that he wanted to begin a relationship w/ the child-she lost the case. Of course, he still doesn't have a relationship.

[MichiganVote]

27. Yes and here's why....

You're stressed. Its clear you have a lot going on and things are hard. Ok. I get that. And for what it's worth, I've been there.

But your child is six. Six year olds do forget things. Especially things that they have yet to develop a sense of value for. Your child is not responsible for cars breaking down and all the rest. The sad fact is you, like most parents, will be replacing the glasses at least twice a year for some reason or another until they are older and can demonstrate more care for the article. Or, they'll simply outgrow the script. Yeah, its about money and money and kids are always trouble. But that's what its all about.

Sorry you're upset. Grounding a six year old for a week may or may not work as a reminder but either way---she'll be under your nose. So how about a plan in which everyday she brings the glasses home, she gets sticker, so many stickers=something she wants. Doesn't have to be expensive. What about talking to her teacher about trying to remind your child to put the glasses in her bag, on her nose, etc. How about even a heart to heart about things being really hard for you right now and how much you need her to help you by remembering the glasses.

You may not appreciate my view, ....but you did ask. Again, sorry you're having so much trouble.

[xmas74]

51. Stickers don't work w/ her anymore.

I'll ground her but I bet my parents will take her out this weekend. (I'm scheduled for doubles as of this time.)

Her main problem is the mouthiness in which she finally informed me of where her glasses were and the next action when I grounded her: she called my parents at work as soon as I was in the shower.

I'm tired of the mouth and I'm tired of the attitude problems. If it were just plain forgetfullness that would be different.

[barb162]

40. you're being a good parent

The child needs to learn responsibility and that's what you're teaching her

[SPKrazy]

43. $300 Girl Scout Cookies?

didn't she sell them?

I'd make her get out and sell the danged things

:shrug:

No I don't think you are being silly, you are teaching her to be responsible

[xmas74]

52. she sold them

but we had a few people refuse to pay for them (no money, no cookies) and a couple of military who were restationed inbetween the time of order and time of delivery. And even though it's not our fault we're still responsible for the cookies. The cookies are not her fault.

She sold over $1000 in cookies this year.

[Generic Brad]

53. She's a kid. What does she know?

I'll back you up if you need a stern looking old guy in your corner.

[Danger Mouse]

54. It's tough to teach six year olds some responsibility.

But she'll come around.

[Floogeldy]

55. Not wrong for being angry.

Just don't act out of anger. Think. After all, she is only six. ;)

[huskerlaw]

56. Re: legal assistance

Have you tried contacting the law schools near you? Many of them (if not all) will have a civil clinic, where law students take on cases such as yours for free.

I was involved in the civil clinic when I was in law school and we did a case nearly identical to yours (the mom wanted to move, couldn't find the dad anywhere, needed his permission, etc.) We found the guy, changed the court order, and the mom and kid left the state within a few months.

Anyway, check out any law schools within driving distance. It might take a while (since you'll be dealing with relatively clueless law students and there's often a list of people who want assistance), but it's worth a shot.

[Fleshdancer]

57. My daughter is six years old too....

Abby doesn't have to wear glasses yet but knowing who her parents are, it's only a matter of time before she needs them.

If I were you, I would do the following:

1. Talk to the grandparents and let them know that the next time they tell your child that she should have something you have not paid for, you will tell her that she should ask them to pay provide it as a gift then. Their comments are ridiculous and they need to be called on it. At the very least, they need to know what glasses cost these days.

2. I'll probably get yelled at for this, but it is my belief that this is the perfect age for kids to learn what consequences of their actions really means. I also think that "punishment" should not just be about taking away luxuries, but adding extra things that, in the long run, will actually benefit them.

For example, Abby didn't have any progress on her last report card and she's still struggling with her reading scores. Because of this, she is not allowed to watch any TV until she hands me a report card with better grades AND she has to read to me every week day. She was upset at first, but now she's reading more on her own, she discovered Junie B books which she adores, she's paying better attention during school and she has less attitude overall.

3. Do your best to let go of you anger. While she needs to know that she can no longer lie when she forgets her glasses (which she can't help needing), she is only 6 and she will forget her glasses again. The point is to remind her why it is important for her to own up to her mistakes, why lying or blaming others is wrong, and that telling her parents to "get over it" is disrespectful and therefore completely unacceptable. Take the emotion out of it though. As you already know, her needs will almost always come first and she has no understanding of family finances. Your parents, on the other hand, know better so if you're going to be angry at someone, take it out on them. ;)

[MissHoneychurch]

59. There is said enough about that topic already

for me to add that anything else. Yes, you are allowed to be angry. You know my position to the whole situation. I really wish I could help you.

:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

60. I'll buy some of those cookies. PM me.

[MissMillie]

61. what about one of those strings that attach to the glasses

so that they hand around your neck when you're not wearing them on your nose?

Maybe that's the solution to the problem.

You may even find some in some bright, cool, hip colors.