sometimes i wonder if my mother knows me at all.

[prole_for_peace]

after 41 years you would think she would but....

she calls me at work saying that she had bought me some shirts: white, pink and blue. I asked her what she wanted me to do with the pink one (she KNOWS i don't like pink) and she got all huffy. apparently they were on sale for $3 each and those were the only three colors. now i know she is thinking of me but she is always buying me clearance crap that i don't want or need. just because it is on sale is NOT a reason to buy something.

i have recently lost a lot of weight (lipo is the best) and am currently in the process of getting rid of all my larger clothes. at my largest i was an 18. the other day she brings me a sweater material cami that is 22/24. i don't know that the hell i am supposed to do with that especially since i wear a twelve now. that thing would just fall right off. but again it was $3.00 so how could she not get it for me?

and then the stuff she is buying me is always from wal-mart. she also knows how much i loathe wal-mart. i have not shopped there in over 3 years. i think it is a form of passive-aggression for her to keep doing this stuff.

[mzteris]

1. say

thanks, mom - and then donate it to goodwill or something. Use it for a cleaning rag. At $3 that's a bargain.

MAYBE your mom's being passive aggressive - I don't know her so I couldn't really say - BUT - she may just be a ditz trying to be nice......

either way - don't mention it. If she's the former - it's a nice way to piss her off. If it's the latter then - what the hey?

edit typo

[MissB]

2. Mom brings me crap all the time.

I figure one of these days she won't be around to bring me crap, so I smile and say thanks and after she leaves I put it in the Goodwill pile.

[bleedingheart]

10. that is what I do to...

i love her and one day she won't be around and then I will miss the blouses with frilly stuff ...

[movie_girl99]

13. I do the same thing with my mom

she brings me crap that she no longer wants or needs so i say thanks and smile and off it goes in to the charity pile.

[styersc]

3. You're right.

You'd thnk after 41 years your mother would know that you are not the type of person to graciously say thank you for thinking about you.

I know a good way to get back at her. The next time you are shopping and take time out of your day to do something nice for her like get her a couple of blouses, etc- get her a color that she does not look good in. That'll show her.

[jilln]

16. Wow, like your parents NEVER did anything that annoyed you...

You must be the only perfect person on earth.

To the original poster: Maybe if talking to her about it doesn't work, you could wait a few months and then give the stuff back to her, saying you "just found it in your closet" and thought she might like it or something. Maybe then she will "get" it.

[MichiganVote]

4. For nine months she cradles you in her body and delivers you

and you can't say, thanks and donate the crap to Goodwill? What are you, 14???? Get a grip.

[AlCzervik]

5. there are so many womens shelters that could use those clothes, just donate

them and you know what, there are a lot worse things than having a mother that buy you clothes you don't like. my mother died when i was 17 and i would be really happy to have her here now even he she was being passive agressive or she was the biggest pain in the ass on earth.

[prole_for_peace]

6. thanks for all the "kind" words.

i thought i could come here and vent but everyone who doesn't know my mother and our relationship has decided i am a selfish mean child.

she knows that i struggle with having too much stuff too and if she would get me stuff i would actually wear or use from a store that has decent merchandise it would be one thing. but i really think she does it on purpose. it makes me angry how she just blows off my thoughts and feelings about wal-mart, kfc and other places i refuse to do business with. once she brought me lunch from kfc after i had JUST had a conversation with her about their practices. she just blows it all off like it is a phase or something. maybe if she would treat me like an adult who put herself through college and has a great job at which she is very good then i wouldn't revert to a surly teenager. but she doesn't give me any respect. coming over at 9:30 on saturday mornings and letting her self in when she knows i like to sleep in till about 10:30 after working so many hours. and then asking "are you sick" since i am still in bed. or her just walking in without knocking. since i live alone i may not always be dressed appropriately for company or i could be in the shower or using the restroom.

it is just rude

[mzteris]

7. get your locks changed

and DON't give her a key.

Sit down and have a serious grown up talk with her.

I dunno - you two either have a REALLY bad relationship - and she's just "evil" - or she's just 'clueless'.

I'm not saying either way. I'm not there, so I don't know. BUT - either way - it's up to you to change how you behave/react. You can ultimately do nothing about 'her' behaviour - only your own. Who knows?

You can try just letting it go and see what happens.

Or you can set up more strict boundaries that you refuse to let her cross. Refusing in a nice, no-nonsense, non-confrontational way. Sometimes you have to treat older parents like two year olds.

:shrug:

Good luck.

Here's one of these in case you need one: :hug:

[Connonym]

8. without knowing your mom

it's hard to say what her motivations are. I don't know if you can stop her wanting to buy you things (my mom was the same way until she became widowed and had to watch her pennies). Giving the stuff away is the best way to deal with it I think.

Everyone's mom drives them nuts sometimes :hug: It doesn't make you an ingrate, it makes you human.

[Blue Diadem]

11. My suggestion:

Simply say to her "Thanks Mom, but you know I have too much stuff already. How about we donate these to some ladies who really need them."(homeless shelters or similar) Then thank her for thinking about you.

Then talk with her frankly about coming in your home any time she wishes. Maybe she just doesn't get it..but she does need to respect your privacy. I do hope you return the same respect when you go to her house as well.

As a Mom of a grown daughter, I'd never dream of buying her a gift without her knowing exactly what I was buying. Frankly, I usually take her with me so she can try on clothing to make sure it fits. There are no surprise gifts from me..she made that clear to me during her teenage years and my daughters-in-law made it clear to me while they were dating my sons. Some reasons are not only taste in clothing but hard to fit ladies. I never buy gifts for my oldest son's children without first consulting he or his wife. She has particular clothing stores she frequents which we cannot afford, so she and my son will discuss what they think my grandson and granddaughter would like and give me a list of toys to choose from. Believe me, it's easier that way.

[raccoon]

12. She sounds passive-aggressive. And doesn't respect your boundaries.

"coming over at 9:30 on saturday mornings and letting her self in when she knows i like to sleep in till about 10:30 after working so many hours. "

[movie_girl99]

15. OMG you are describing my mom to a tee

occasionally i'll take a mental health day off from work and sit in my pj's all day watching tv. She'll call me a few times at work and then she'll try me at home only to ask me why i'm not at work and won't I get fired? Now, the woman used to work so I know she knows about vacation days. I work for a school district so I get 10 vacation days, 5 personal days & 5 sick days a year to do with as I please. She used to come over on Saturday mornings at the crack of dawn even though I had asked her to wait until 9. Now she still gets there early but will wait in her car until 9. Then she comes in and asks me if I'm sick. I say "no, i just woke up". Then I hear the "well i got up at 4:30 and did laundry and mopped the kitchen". My reply is, "well i didn't go to bed at 7:00pm". Anyway, I don't want to go on because I could for days. I just wanted to sympathize with you and let you know that i have one of those moms too.

[jobycom]

9. Of course she doesn't, but there are three things you need to know about her.

First, she's never going to treat you differently, ever. Two, no matter how much the opposite is really the case, she thinks she is helping you. Three, everyone feels that way about their mom. And a bonus point--your mom probably felt that way about her mom! :)

My mom and dad used to tag-team me. They would come out for a visit, and they would go on a "search" to see what they could fix. They would fix my perfectly running car, so I would have to take it to a mechanic when they left. They would rake up the leaves in my back yard--the ones I was using to mulch the yard. No matter how much I yelled (and I did), they would treat my house and my cars and my stuff like theirs, and there was nothing I could do about it. They thought I was just being ornery when I complained, and that I was making up the stuff about having to pay to get stuff fixed after they screwed it up. "He's just ungrateful" was their standard response, to each other, as though I weren't there. I got more ungrateful with every visit, too! :grr:

And no, I've never grown to appreciate it, and now that my dad has had a stroke and they don't get out here very often, I don't miss it, not one bit! But I miss them coming out, anyway.

Some people have more annoying than normal parents. I sympathize. But I don't anything else to offer.

[liontamer]

14. my mother is the same way

it's like an almost active desire to make you unhappy by wasting her money on things you don't want. My mom just called to say that she bought me tickets to go on a trip with her to vegas for my birthday. I've never wanted to go to vegas, I don't like traveling with her, I'm away at school and she bought me tickets assuming I can just drop everything and fly away on her whim. And when I tried to explain it to her, she said and I quote "but I've always wanted to go to Vegas" :eyes:

There's not much you can do, some people just can never accept that their children are human beings and not little accesories that they popped out. :hug: