A Craigslist Best of. Fucking die laughing.

graywarrior

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Sat Mar-03-07 10:02 PM
Original message

A Craigslist Best of. Fucking die laughing.

Alright, so here's the situation. I have two cats. Cheese is the bastard child, Moo is the morbidly obese cow-like mom to Cheese. I hate these cats. I loathe them with every fiber of my being. It is their sole purpose in life, upon waking up in the morning, to find ways to Piss Me Off. (Actually, to be fair, Cheese is the worst. Moo doesn't do much more than lay around alternatively sleeping and showing people her impressive belly.) They chew on my favorite plants, regardless of how enthusiastically I show them their "cat grass", or the decoy plants I leave around the house that I've decided I can sacrifice for their chewing desires. They choose to chew just the plants I particularly like. They kick cat litter out of their two covered, impeccably well-maintained litter boxes like they're getting paid for each grain of litter that I have to sweep up. They chew food - only the best for my little angels - only to spit it out on the floor, play with it for a few minutes, until it's left a nice snail trail on my freshly mopped kitchen floor. They leave certain pieces out, where I might not see them until I step on them with sockfeet. This morning, Cheese put holes all over the front of my favorite Frank Zappa t-shirt.

But mostly, it's their lips that piss me off. The sound their stupid little cat lips make when they drink their stupid cat water. Here's the thing. They refuse to actually drink water out of a bowl. When we adopted these wretched beasts, we were given a "perpetual water bowl" with a little water-cooler kind of thing. It was electric, it created a current, and it seemed just a little over the top for cats. So when I was trying to clean it out one day, I noticed mold - and for whatever reason (I was clearly not thinking straight) I decided my kitties simply could not drink MOLD. This was UNHEALTHY. It might HURT THEM! So I tossed the water dish.

Since then, these animals have met every style water dish by taking a few little sips, just enough to keep themselves from dying of dehydration, and then flipping the bowl upside down. It doesn't matter how much water is in it. I can put 3mm of water on the bottom of the bowl, they'll still flip the thing. Then it gets taken away. They are only allowed to have water supervised. Unfortunately, they don't much care about my rage and will still flip the bowl even while I am watching. They try to sneak into the bathroom to sip water wherever they can. Our sink isn't the quickest draining sink, and I'd really rather they not sip water that has leftover toothpaste or soap in it, as this seems to produce mass amounts of thoroughly disgusting cat vomit (guess who cleans that up??).

This morning, the kitchen floor was covered in water. They decided to try to get into the remarkably heavy water pitcher that always sits on the counter. Mind you, there was perfectly fine water in a ceramic bowl inside a heavy bottomed dutch oven. This water was apparently not up to par for these felines.

I don't want to spend $40 on ANYTHING for these smug douchebags. My daughter adores the cats, so I can't get rid of them. She also expects me to love them as much as she does, so I can't actively tell them how much they suck (except for a few well-placed hisses of "YOU SUCK" whenever my daughter is out of earshot).
I spend much of my time glaring at them, hoping they can sense my hatred. I don't want to give in to them by purchasing their extra special water bowl with a current and a reservoir. But I will, if it means I don't have to mop up their soupy mess every morning (cat litter that's been kicked onto the floor + chewed up and spit out food + water = revolting). I was just hoping that someone might have one they no longer need or want. I will pay you up to $15 for it. For the love of god, I just want the water situation to END. I am starting to hear their stupid little smacking cat lips in my sleep.