It's Ole and Lena Joke Time!!!!!!

[XNASA]

Ole and Lena are driving north to Minneapolis for a romantic getaway weekend. While in route, Ole places his right hand on Lena's thigh.

"You can go a little bit further, doncha know.", says Lena suggestively.

So they end up spending the night in Duluth.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

1. Not exactly an Ole and Lena joke but...

Paavo was a veteran of the Russo-Finnish war and had been a member of Finland's elite ski troops, who skied silently through the woods and ambushed the Red Army. (This part of it is historically true.)

On the 60th anniversary of the end of the war, a reporter came to interview Paavo about his memories. He got a good account of all the skirmishes and close calls that Paavo had experienced. The last question was, "What was the first thing you did when you finally got home?"

Paavo blushed and said, "Well, you know, I'd been living away from my wife for an awfully long time. You'd better ask about the second thing I did."

The reporter smiled and nodded understandingly. "All right," he said. "What was the second thing you did?"

"I took off my skis."

[Bunny]

2. I take it Ole and Lena jokes are some sort of Minnesota thing?

n/t

[XNASA]

4. North & South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, the UP........

Anyplace with a concentration of Americans of Scandinavian descent.

That demographic doesn't include myself, me being of Polish/German descent and an Illinoisian to boot, but the Sun-Times ran an article about the Ole and Lena phenomenon yesterday which included several good jokes. I thought I'd share.

[Bunny]

8. My brother just moved back here after 25 years in NoDak.

I'll ask him about Ole and Lena, or maybe I'll just surprise him with some of the best ones posted here! :)

[sybylla]

5. Hugely popular in Wisconsin, too.

Lots of Ole and Lena jokes floating around. Unfortunately I have a horrendous memory for jokes.

[sybylla]

3. Lena and the Teapot

Just got this one from my cousin today.


Ole was fixing the door and he found that he needed a new hinge so he sent
Lena to the hardware store. As she waited at the store for Sven to finish
waiting on a customer, Lena spotted a beautiful teapot on the top shelf.

When Sven finally turned his attention to Lena, she asked how much for the
teapot?

Sven replied "That is silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, tas lotsa money, I can't afford it" Lena exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Ole had asked her to buy and
Sven went to the backroom to find the hinge.

>From the backroom Sven yelled "Lena voud you vanta screw for dah hinge?'

To which Lena replied, "Nah, but I sure will plenty for dat teapot."

[XNASA]

6. Perfect. That joke captures the Ole/Lena thing perfectly.

LMAO!!!!!

[Wickerman]

7. Ole and Sven

Sorry, recieved this yesterday and its as close to Ole and Lena I can find - and, its topical with unemployment and all...

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

[XNASA]

10. Great one!!!

I love these!! "Diesel fitter!!!" BWAHHHHH!!!!!!

[Draven]

9. Ole died

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' "

[Draven]

13. Another one...

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

[trotsky]

11. Ya, shore, you betcha!

So Ole owns a roofing business, and hires Lars to work for him. The first day on the job, Ole looks over at Lars and sees him pick a nail up, look at it, then hammer it in a shingle. Next nail, Lars picks up, looks at it, and throws it away.

Lars keeps doing this, tossing about half the nails away, when Ole finally says, "Hey Lars, whatcha doin' with all dose nails?"

"Well, Ole, I see dese nails here, a lot o' dem got da head on da wrong end!" answers Lars.

"You idiot Lars," shouts Ole, "we save dose for the udder side of da roof!"

[XNASA]

14. Ya. Dot's a good vun.

It was one of the jokes that ran in the Sun-Times yesterday. I was laughing out loud on the train and everyone was staring at me.

LOL!!!

[sybylla]

12. Another from my e-mail joke file - my favorite Ole and Sven joke.

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota.

Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow,and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says "Come over and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens." Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Wisconsin, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

[XNASA]

16. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the best joke I've heard in ages.

I can't stop laughing!!!!!


BWAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've got tears streaming down my face.

[sybylla]

18. Now you know why it's my favorite

I've had it in my file for over a year and it still cracks me up.

[ajacobson]

24. LOL

damn, that's funny!

:thumbsup:

[Richardo]

15. Lena: "Ole, how do they make copper wire?"

Ole: "They have two Norwegians fight over a penny."

[myrna minx]

17. Here's one...

A Norwegian, a Polish man and German man were finishing up the construction on the top floor of the Foshay Tower. At lunch time, the men dangled their legs off a girder and opened their lunch pails.

The Polish man bemoaned that he had Polish sausage for lunch. Day in and day out, Polish sausage was his lunch. He said if he had Polish sausage for lunch the next day, he would leap to his death off the top of the building.

The German man opened up his lunch pail and bemoaned that he had bratwurst for lunch. Day in and day out, bratwurst was his lunch. The German man agreed with the Polish man and he said if he had bratwurst for lunch the next day, he would leap to his death off the top of the building.

The Norwegian man opened up his lunch pail and wailed “peanut butter and yelly!!!” Day in and day out, peanut butter yelly was his lunch. He said if he had peanut butter and yelly for lunch the next day, he too, would leap to his death off the top of the building.

The next day, as predicted, all three had their cursed lunches and they all leapt to their deaths.

At the funeral, the wives of the fallen men were heartbroken. The wife of the Polish man said if she had known he had hated Polish sausage, she would have packed something else. The wife of the German man agreed. She would have packed him a different lunch as well. And Lena said, “I don’t understand, Ole packed his own lunches.”

[mac56]

19. Sven and Ole apply for a job with the phone company.

The company wants to hire two guys to install utility poles. Also applying are two Irish guys, Sean and Mike.

The supervisor sits all four of them down. "Okay," he says, "here's the deal. You two and you two will go out for eight hours and install utility poles. Whichever pair does the most after eight hours gets the job."

Sven and Ole, and Sean and Mike, take off in their respective trucks. After eight and a half hours, Sean and Mike return, dirty and sweaty.

"How'd it go?" asks the supervisor.

"It was hard work," says Sean, "but me and Mike, we installed twenty poles."

Four hours later, Sven and Ole return. The supervisor is beside himself. "You're four hours late," he fumes. "How many poles did you install?"

Sven replies, "Five."

"FIVE?!" sputters the supervisor. "Those two Irish guys put in twenty!"

"Ja," says Ole, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the dirt."

[cade]

20. mouth to mouth

Ollie and Sven were out fishing in a row boat one summer day. A hot day , with the sun shining brightly. Just the two of them in their shorts with a couple of fishing rods.
Sven gets a big strike on the fishing rod and the rod pulls him off the boat and into the water.
Ollie says " Oh my god Sven can't swim " and dives in to save his beloved friend.
Ollie searches for a couple of minutes and finally finds Sven on the bottom motionless. Ollie pulls Sven up and into the boat , seeing Sven isn't breathing, Ollie starts mouth to mouth resuscitation.
" Blow in, pump chest "
" Blow in, pump chest "
" Jesus Sven, your fucking breath is horrible "
" Blow in , pump chest "
" Sven, when did you have time to change into a snowmobile suit ? "

[trotsky]

21. Anudder (a long one - featuring Republicans!)

So Ole's got that roofing business still, and he gets a big contract from a company in da Twin Cities. They're ready for him to start work right away, so he hops in his truck and heads to Minneapolis. Problem is, the worst winter storm in years is brewing. By the time Ole gets halfway there, the road is so icy and the snow is blowing so much that he loses control of his truck and spins into the ditch.

Ole is fine, but his truck is stuck. So he walks back up to the freeway and starts to hitchhike.

After a few minutes, a big fancy Lexus comes by and stops. The window rolls down to show a well-dressed man. Ole asks, "Hello good sir, my truck went in da ditch back dere, and I need a lift. Can ya help me out?"

"That depends," said the man. "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"

"Democrat," replies Ole without hesitation. "Born and raised DFL, dontcha know."

"Sorry," said the man, as he rolled up the window and drove off.

"Unbelievable!" Ole thought to himself.

About 10 minutes later, this happens again! A shiny Cadillac pulls up, Ole asks for a ride, the driver asks his party affiliation, and when Ole says he's a Democrat, the car pulls away.

Ole is extremely upset, he's about to freeze to death, desperate for help, and can't believe how these Republicans have been treating him.

Finally, when Ole just about can't feel his fingers and toes, a hot red Corvette pulls up. Inside is a beautiful woman, with a low-cut blouse and very short skirt. Ole tells her his sob story, and asks for a ride. Sure enough, she asks if Ole is a Democrat or a Republican.

"R-R-R-Republican," Ole chatters, vowing not to let this ride get away.

"Well great," said the woman as she opened the door for him.

A few moments later, Ole began to thaw, and he looked at the woman again, noticing just how low her blouse is cut, and just how short her skirt is.

The woman notices Ole fidgeting, and asks, "Is something wrong?"

"No," Ole replies, "I yust found it interesting that I've only been a Republican for 10 minutes and already I vant to screw someone!"

[XNASA]

22. Ole comes home from work to find out his house had been robbed.

Luckily, he finds Lena unhurt and lying on the couch. She's a little dazed and confused though.

"Tank god you're all right Lena. I vas vorried. Did he get anyting?"

"Ya, he did, Ole. But I'm so sorry. I thought it vas you."

[Jeff in Cincinnati]

23. Two

Lena comes home one day and says to Ole, "Watcha doing?! Dere's a sign outside dat sez 'Boat for Sale.' You ain't got a boat, Ole. All you got is a John Deere tractor and a combine."

"Ya," says Ole, "and dere boat for sale."

XXX

Ole goes on vacation to Norway and is hiking along the top of a particularly steep and rugged fjord when he loses his footing and goes over the side. Ole's able to grab a tree root, but he's dangling two hundred feet above the jagged rocks of the fjord.

"Is dere anybody up dere?" calls Ole.

"It's me," says a deep and resonating voice. "It's the Lord, Ole, and I've come to save you. If you'll just have faith and let go of the root, I'll bear you back to safety."

Ole takes another look down and calls up, "Is dere anybody else up dere?"