I don't want my mom's racist boyfriend at my bday fest

[freeplessinseattle]

every year I enjoy a small family gathering a two hour drive away with my grandparents, my mom, and in the last few years, her obnoxious boyfriend/fiance. My dad moved to UT a few years ago after their divorce. anyhow, I don't despise my stepdad-to-be bc of my parents' divorce at all, he is just an obnoxious person in general and over time has revealed himself to be a dittohead. My dad's a dittohead too, sadly enough, Utah's perfect for him, but at least he had the decency not to say offensive things in my presence.

This new member of my family, however, seems to delight in saying atrocious racist slurs and outright advocating violence. I'm not going to share the remarks this time bc they are so awful, but I'm sure you can imagine. Let's just say Coultergeist is too tame for him. My mom used to whisper to him to "be nice", but that only gets him angrier. I have tried talking calmly and reasonably with him, tried just ignoring him, or sighing and changing the subject. I know he is trying to get to me, and have been advised to "just ignore him", but just sitting there quietly while he says all these hateful things feels like an assault, and whether I leave or stay he "wins"-he knows he gets to me and it is a power trip for him to know that I have to sit there and listen in order to "keep the peace".

well, since my birthday is coming up soon (35!) and last year he delighted in using the "N" word 3 times in an hour (referring to the chocolate cake, a dark vitamin pill, and my black cat with the slur), and while I made sure to visit for birthdays the day before or after so I wouldn't have to encounter him, he made sure Thanksgiving and Christmas contained a hearty dose of his vitrol. For my birthday, however, I feel it should be ok for me to ask my mom to leave him at their home-he has no reason to be there for my birthday anyway, I don't visit for his birthday. I anticipate that my mom would be dismayed at me for requesting this, and perceive me as "creating tension" and "putting her in the middle".

So long story short how can I word this request of my mom that won't put her on the defensive (after all, I am criticizing her choice in men, only mothers, not daughers are supposed to do that:) and help her see how inappropiate and intolerable his behavior is to me, and being "the bigger person" doesn't mean I should welcome him to piss on family celebrations?

[Kat45]

1. Why would your mother even be involved with a man like that?

Sorry I don't have an answer to your question, but your description of this man really blew my mind.

[freeplessinseattle]

5. beats me! same thing I always wonder myself

I think she was just vulnerable when he started wooing her, he is a lot like my grandfather (who was in Hitler Youth and was a German soldier during WWII) and maybe now she's financially stuck bc she let herself get screwed in the divorce bc it was "easier".

[mikeytherat]

47. Sounds like your mom's beau needs a PLB - Parking Lot Beating

You and your friends drag him outside and beat the ever-loving sh** out of him.

mikey_the_rat

[freeplessinseattle]

57. actually, he was going on about how he used to do that exact

thing when he was a drunk long-haul truck driver back in the day. That same birthday he was boating about how he used to "kick these gus under their car and told them not to come out until I left". just random people he would pick fights with. I was completely appalled, and having worked at a domestic violence shelter for years my mom knew exactly what I was thinking when I looked at her in alarm. she just claims he has changed, but it sounds like even if he isn't physically violent anymore he is a rage filled person just waiting to explode.

Intervention!!

[Oeditpus Rex]

2. Why try to soften it?

He's a vicious excuse for a man in whose presence you're uncomfortable, and he's not allowed at your celebration.

Remember — no one can make you feel bad without your permission.









Christ. I feel like Ann Landers.

[freeplessinseattle]

7. make it more palatable to her-and a contrast to him

it's complicated, I don't know how to explain it except messed up family dynamics.

[u4ic]

26. Wouldn't you look cute

in her 'do?




:*

[Oeditpus Rex]

28. Yeah

But I'd sound nauseating with that Midwestern twang. :puke:

[Whoa_Nelly]

3. It's your birthday

request away. And if your mom plays the guilt card of putting her in the middle, remind her you wouldn't be asking her if she hadn't allowed him in her life to begin with.

yeah...that sounds harsh. But, it's up to you if you will allow your mom to place you in a position that would make waves in her relationship with him, and more importantly, your relationship with her.

Here's the bottom line:
You can ask. You have no control over your mother's response or her feelings, but you do have control over what you will or will not allow into your life.

So, ask your mom kindly to consider the fact that it's your day, not hers, not his. :hug:

Now, be 35, love your mother, and stand by your boundaries.

[NNadir]

8. That's pretty good advice, I think.

[freeplessinseattle]

12. Thank you, that's what I needed to hear

I guess I still allow myself to get pulled into feeling guilty for "rocking the boat", even tho I know it isn't really what I am doing.

sure wish I could help her see she deserves so much better!

[ganeshji]

53. Tough situation

It doesn't sound like he feels guilty for offending you, in fact, it sounds as if he works pretty hard at it. Why should you feel guilty when you aren't "rocking the boat", merely trying to keep it sailing smoothly? I hope you have a great day no matter what happens.

[fudge stripe cookays]

59. I'm with Nelly.

Good advice!

I had to deal with my mother's boyfriend for years. Thank God he is gone now, but they were tough times. I was not OLD enough to be able to call the shots for my life. You are. DO it! They do not have control over you at your age.

If mom insists on bringing him, tell him she will be welcome without him, but she will not be allowed in if he is accompanying her. It's that easy.

[China_cat]

68. No matter what the occasion

if it's being held on your 'turf'...in your home or at a restaurant you choose and are paying for...you have every right to invoke "my house, my rules" and throw him out if he breaks them. You can let your mom know that if she brings him, this is going to be the way it is and you hope she would understand.

Actually, he sounds a lot like my stepfather's wife. She's so bad that my sisters (half...he's their father) have finally said enough and won't let her in the house. It means they don't get to see their dad very often and they miss him, but they both tell me that their lives are SO much less stressful.

[EFerrari]

14. Right on. You didn't choose him. She is in the middle. n/t

[freeplessinseattle]

18. ooh, great point. n/t

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. Self-delete Accidentally posted the response twice

:hug:

[Poiuyt]

6. That's a tough one

I'd tell her that you love her and hope she comes, but that he's not welcome, explain the reasons why, and stand firm. If she's upset by this, then send her some flowers after or take her to lunch. Try to maintain your bond with her, but be clear that he is not welcome in your life.

Good luck.

[freeplessinseattle]

13. Thank you, I'm glad you understand delicate family dynamics

I know what is right, and my mom knows, but she is conditioned to be amenable to a patriarchial dynamic.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. "Mom, I love you, but

your boyfriend is a pig and I don't want to be in the same county with him, let alone allow him to come to my party and ruin our fun time with his disgusting, bigoted attitude. I hope you will come, but I am specifically NOT inviting him. I don't want him around. Ever."

[freeplessinseattle]

17. and that is what I would love to say

oh believe me, I have written a few similar notes, but think she'd be hurt, and also be easier to brush me off as one of those "angry PC liberals" (she gave my grandfather an O'Reilly book for Xmas!) but maybe it would wake her up.

[EFerrari]

10. Gee, I guess I'd just say, "I AM creating tension and refuse to be

a bigger person and yes, I AM putting you in the middle by asking you to leave that loser at home. It's my birthday, not his and you are a grown woman, deal with it."

But, I have been known to be undiplomatic. :)

[freeplessinseattle]

25. true, a family therapist would say that tension

often accompanies changing the status quo, but sometimes needs to be done.

[madrchsod]

11. tell her he`s not welcome to your party

point out the fact that you will not tolerate his "attitude" and since he`s refused to be respect both you and her wishes you will not invite him to your party. if she does`t come so be it. never let anyone come between you and your values. i`ve tried to live my 40+ years of adult life with this philosophy although i`ve ruffled some feathers along the way i have nothing to be ashamed for. whenever anyone makes you that uncomfortable then have nothing to do with him or anyone who enables him-even your mother. it`s called "tough love"
oh yes--good luck

[freeplessinseattle]

30. Yes, "tough love".

nicely put, thank you. I know I shouldn't feel bad bc I have a conscience and values. Valuing respect from others for others is human. Why should I worry about their feelings so much if mine are scoffed at and intentionally hurt?

[Whoa_Nelly]

33. Respect yourself first, kiddo

You can't control if others choose to not respect you, but you can choose to respect yourself.

Many b-day :hug: :hug: :hug:

Happy 35!

[Skittles]

35. I CONCUR

she needs to tell that guy - AND HER MOM - that racists are simply NOT WELCOME. *PERIOD*

[Kajsa]

78. You nailed it right here.

"Valuing respect from others for others is human. Why should I worry about their feelings so much if mine are scoffed at and intentionally hurt?"

This jerk doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care about
anyone else's feeling either. His behavior proves it.

You have no reason to be apologetic. He is the one causing the tension and strife.

For the above reason( lack of caring) he is not invited, ever!

It sounds like your Mom needs a huge reality shot in the arm.
She's hurting herself by sticking with this guy.

Sure, she might get angry, but you could be saving her from a man
who could get very violent with her .

That's worth risking a little anger from her.

" The truth shall set you free but before it does, it will piss you off."

[struggle4progress]

15. The key is choosing a good birthday theme! When you send out cards

be sure to remind everyone that this is not only a celebration of your birthday, it's also an organizing event for the local chapter of Impeach Bush, a fundraiser for Obama, an appreciation of the ACLU's accomplishments, and another important opportunity to write letters to the State Legislature supporting gay marriage equality

[Poiuyt]

20. Great idea!

:rofl:

[freeplessinseattle]

24. heh, that would be fun

It's just a few people, immediate family, but that sure would be a pointed and creative way to get my point across. Make the card ultra festive and lighthearted, because I'm just "having fun" with a "pasty obnoxious smelly white men" dart board, etc.

[Richard Steele]

41. You're an evil genius, you know that?

[struggle4progress]

54. Yep. My brain never rests: plot, scheme, plot, scheme, plot, scheme ...

[SeattleGirl]

16. Wow! I wouldn't want that man around me either!

I agree with the suggestion to tell you mom that she is welcome, but he is not. He is HER boyfriend, not YOURS. And loving your mother doesn't mean you have to just roll over and let the man spew his venom all over the place, especially on your birthday.

I do understand your delimna, but you have to value yourself too. And I know you can do it -- you were willing to face down one of your fears not too long ago. Face this one, and take care of yourself!

:pals:

[freeplessinseattle]

19. that's right! thank you, maybe that was practice

to show me I have the fortitude to risk dealing with something unpleasant and risky in order to do the right thing. Now if only I could cat trap my mom and find her a better companion!:)

[SeattleGirl]

36. LOL! Now there's a good idea!

Should I call Mimi and Lars to come help? :rofl:

[freeplessinseattle]

37. Yes, an intervention is needed, STAT!

This might help illustrate how much influence this freak has over my mom-she has always been against declawing, but got her new cat declawed bc he wanted her to. and the kitty didn't even get a chance to scratch a post, like all our other cats did. There's just no excuse anyway, furniture isn't that important to risk a cat's life. I expressed my dismay clearly then, but my mom just had a "oh, well, what can ya do" attitude. It blew my mind.

[Strawman]

21. They don't deserve to be comfortable if he behaves that way

Making him unwelcome and your mom unconfortable with the situation is a good thing. It's the difference between being merely "nonracist" and actively "antiracist." The antiracist is the "bigger person."

Don't worry about putting her on the defensive. That's her problem. Flatly say he is not welcome at your party because he is a racist.

[freeplessinseattle]

23. Sounds good to me!

If they can't get it, you are correct, they don't deserve to be comfortable being hateful every minute of the day.

[reyd reid reed]

22. You're perfectly justified

in not wanting to include him. It's your birthday, you can not include anyone you don't want to be there and for lesser reasons than this one. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me, either.

And your mother should understand this. And if she doesn't, tell her I said that she needs to open her eyes and take a good, hard look at this man.


Good luck and...

:hug:

[freeplessinseattle]

27. True, it's for her own good, right?:)

if I was in a relationship with someone who is toxic she'd speak up, out of concern for me ('course when I was younger I didn't see it that way, so maybe I'm projecting)

[u4ic]

29. Yikes

I echo the responses on this thread. It's your day...make it clear you do want her there, but not him.


Good luck, and have a wonderful day. :pals:

[freeplessinseattle]

31. Thank you for your kind words

the positive support is much appreciated. for some reason I feel like a diva, birthdays aren't a huge deal to me, but it is an opportunity to stand my ground and possibly shift the dynamics a bit.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

32. Since he's made it clear that he does not respect your feelings,

I see no reason why you should invite him over to ruin your day.

Since your mom must know how you feel about his behavior, and has witnessed his disrespect for you, she should understand your feelings, and show you the courtesy her boyfriend lacks.

I hope it doesn't create a rift between the two of you; but I don't think you really have a choice unless you want to argue with him.
:hug:

[freeplessinseattle]

38. True, and it is weird. If it was my dad acting like that

she'd have no problem telling him to shape up and act like a human being for a little while, for my sake. for the most part, if it was really bad and repeatedly, and this definitely is.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

44. Too bad you can't invite an eligible older gentleman to your party

so your mom could see how it could be. Maybe one of our fine DU men...

[freeplessinseattle]

45. Yes! that is a grand idea!

any volunteers? hmm, wonder, is George Clooney's dad single?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

49. What age group would your mom find attractive?

:evilgrin:

[Truthiness Inspector]

34. Teach him a lesson

If you have good black friends, invite them. Introduce this asshole to them, and watch him twist in wind sputtering. At least that's what I'd do.

[freeplessinseattle]

39. I have thought of it, and an ex boyfriend of mine has offered

but I'm not sure if I want to subject him to that. Probably the racist wouldn't have the nerve to say anything in front of my friend, but if he did it could get really interesting, and with a real live person right there I'm sure everyone else would be uncomfortable hopefully rethink their own bigotry.

[Evoman]

40. I admire your patience.

If this asshole said that shit in my presence, he would be sitting on the curb, wondering where his lost teeth were. People like that are toxic, and you don't have to be in their presence. If my mom married a racist (which would be fucked up, because we are latino....), my brother and I would either a)keep him in line using fear or b)refuse to let him visit for any holidays at all...if my mom didn't like it, tough tit...drop the fucking racist, and we'll welcome you back.

[freeplessinseattle]

46. well, there's good reason my teeth are flattening

gnashing while sleeping keeps me sane during the day, I guess:). I did take off early on Christmas Day, but just snuck out quietly. like I'm guilty of something. about time I grew some ovaries and followed my conscience, without aplologies.

[Bunny]

42. I can only echo the sentiments expressed already in this thread.

But I will add that you indicated your mother is going to marry this asshole. If she does indeed marry him, the tone you set for this upcoming birthday occasion will mark the tone for all future "family" gatherings.

Once she's married, is it likely that she'll leave him at home when it's time to visit with you? He seems like the type who will insist on coming along, after all he'll be her husband, right? It may come down to you not seeing your mother much at all because of him, and I think you should point this out to her. Perhaps it will keep her from making the mistake of marrying him. (I'm not normally much for ultimatums, but sometimes you just have to stand firm.)

Good luck.

[distantearlywarning]

43. I don't think you should "keep the peace"

I wouldn't if I were in your position. Why should he get to make you uncomfortable while you have to sit there quietly and take it? And if your mother knows he causes problems but brings him anyway, then she has nobody but herself to blame if, well, he causes problems. If he acts up, tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel and ask him to stop. If he continues to act up, kick him out of your house forcefully but without extreme emotion.

Trust me, I know from experience that sitting meekly by and letting these kind of people rant and rave is NEVER helpful. Some of them don't realize that they are even being offensive until it's made clear to them by others that their behavior is inappropriate. If they do realize that they are being offensive, and are behaving that way on purpose, your inaction is neither doing them nor anyone else they ever come in contact with in their lives a favor.

Think about it: if you had a three-year old and he was throwing a tantrum, what would be the best way to get him to stop in the future - doing nothing about his behavior? Or providing consequences and making sure that he understood that every time he acted that way the consequences would happen again?

It's the same with 33-year olds. Set some boundaries with him and stick to it. Don't worry about your mother - let her make her own mistakes. And don't pay for her inability to set boundaries by having your parties ruined.

[freeplessinseattle]

64. true, maybe I'm more worried about him twisting

it to me being unable to be "gracious"-just ignoring rude people is my mom's lifelong tactic. I really shouldn't have to be worried, but he has some weird influence over her, for instance she has alwyas been against declawing cats but she did it for him.

He knows he bothers me, my mom has whispered to him to tone it down, but he'll either get louder and proclaim he can say whatever he wants, it's a free country, blah blah, or just glare at me and probably talk shit about me later.

[distantearlywarning]

79. Ok, another thought for you.

Perhaps the reason your mother doesn't stand up to him is the same reason you feel unable to take any concrete action to set boundaries with this man. No, I'm not talking about any of that "you want to be a victim" therapy crap.

I'm simply talking about the desire to avoid conflict. Both of you are desperately trying to avoid making a scene, getting into it with him, straining family dynamics, making someone unhappy, and so on and so forth.

What are the consequences of choosing conflict avoidance for her? Well, so far she finds herself doing things she believes are immoral (the cat declawing, for instance) and tacitly supporting beliefs she doesn't have, she is developing a strained relationship with you and other family members and may lose her relationship with you altogether, she is unhappy and tense at family gatherings, she may even be making the world a worse place in a very general sense by continuing to accept racist behavior from someone she could potentially influence.

That's a pretty steep price for her to pay to continue to "keep the peace".

Now...what price will you pay for not rocking the boat? What price are you paying now? You need to ask yourself whether the avoidance of conflict is worth the potential consequences for yourself and others around you. Be honest - don't just necessarily take the "comfortable" way out. Nobody ever did anything right in the world by choosing the easy path instead of the hard one. And sorry to tell you this, but "ignoring" bullies only reinforces their sense that they will be allowed to get away with anything they choose to do to other people.

Or, to put it another way...you don't seem to approve of your mother's actions, but in a very real sense you are following her right down that same road. She doesn't stand up to him, and neither do you. if that's the choice you want to make for yourself, ok - but don't go there blindly.

Anyway...((((hugs)))) I hope that you make the decision that is right for you. Family stuff is never easy.

[guitar man]

48. tell your mom

that her BF's actions have consequences, not the least of which is you not wanting him anywhere around you. If she doesn't like it, tough shit.The person causing the problem is the racist asshole, not you. And don't ever forget that.

[freeplessinseattle]

62. exactly. thank you.

I mean really, now I'm getting really ticked. It's about time she stood up for what is right and not worry about her own consequences. what is he going to do? rant to her about what a bad job she did raising me? leave her? in that case, all the more reason.

I guess on some level I am afeaid of him trying to turn her against me, but she is my mom and I'm her only child, we've always had a good relationship, so I shouldn't worry. It just really disturbs she got her cat declawed for him, so he has some warped influence over her.

[kay1864]

50. Given that he's a jerk...

and enjoys trying to get a rise out of you...

any chance he'll insist on accompanying your mom, and showing up uninvited?

I only ask because if yes, you might want to prepare for the possibility of both of them showing up at your door.

[freeplessinseattle]

61. oh, yes, but I don't know what to do in that case!?

any suggestions?

[kay1864]

74. Tell them at the door "I'm sorry, but you're not welcome at my party"

If he forces his way in, call the police on his ass. Seriously. This guy's a jerk, and deserves a smackdown. At that point he's trespassing.

If your mom pulls the "if he goes, then I go" card, then say "I'm truly sorry you feel that way" and shut the door. Eventually they'll turn around and leave.

It's YOUR party. You have the right to decide who's invited and who's not. Don't let him spoil your day.

[freeplessinseattle]

76. you know, my grandfather doesn't care for him either

they are both control freaks so butt heads often, so I think he would back me up. you are right, he should be behind bars.

[unpossibles]

51. first of all, happy birthday

second of all, that sucks. I see two or three options here:

1 - somehow get someone to videotape the party. Most racists are somewhat shy about it in public or if they think it could get out.

2 - tell him he is not welcome and why. Difficult, but may be necessary. And be diplomatic about it if possible.

3 - kind of along with #1, find some other way to embarass him into shutting the hell up. Invite friends who will stick up for you or who he would not want to show his true colors around.

I don't know. Not much help here, and I know what you're going through if it helps with a couple of my relatives.

[freeplessinseattle]

60. you know, that is a good idea

having that vitrol interjected into a happy, light gathering would really be highlighted and stick out like a sore thumb. maybe mention I'm sending it to America's Funniest, for the hilarious moment I dump a pot of scalding coffee in his lap:)

[KamaAina]

52. A *vitamin pill*?! Yowza!

My own Mom had a boyfriend who called our black cat that, in an affectionate "Here, kitty, kitty!" voice (!) -- but he wasn't a racist, having been part of mixed-race doo-wop groups and the like. (The female cat loved him, by the way, and would frequently mark his clothes and stuff until we got her fixed.)

But really, a vitamin pill?! This man needs some help. Is Dr. Phil or one of the knockoff shows doing a show on racism?

[freeplessinseattle]

58. seriously. sometimes the night sky

he refers to "dark as ""

It is really bizarre, so much so I have to think he must be mental.

[Danger Mouse]

55. Man, my stepdad was horrible too...just in different ways.

I don't think I'd have your self-control...we used to argue all the time...he even threw and ear of corn at me at dinner one time. I told him once, 'God I wish you'd wear pants.' and he'd bellow 'FUCK YOU!'
But I really wish he'd worn pants.
You have an awkward situation on your hands.
You shouldn't be a doormat to your mother or this idiot. If he can't behave like an adult and insists on being an insufferable jerk, then he doesn't need to be at your gathering thingy.
Stick by your guns, and don't let your mother guilt you into letting him come. The fault is with HIM for being so horrible to you. If he really wanted to be included, he'd make some sort of attempt at acting like a human being, rather than an angry baboon attempting to crack open a walnut.
That's just my opinion.

[freeplessinseattle]

56. guess I should be grateful this dude wears pants!

he's fond of those "wife-beater" t-shirts though, and not so fond of deodorant, wish I had the nerve to tell him to do something about that. wish he'd wear a muzzle too.

Sorry you had to live with that nut, I count my blessings that I never had to live with him.

[Danger Mouse]

81. Horrid individual.

My stepdad is now living in a nursing home.
However, he made my teenage years a living hell at times....I had low self-esteem as it was, and he did his best to grind what little self-worth I had into the ground.

[NashVegas]

63. Don't Leave That On Your Mom - Take It Directly To Him

If/when he starts in, make him squirm.

Him: "Oh look - nigger cake."
You: (very seriously): "Why do you call it that?"
Him: "It's just a joke."
You: "It's not a joke to me. It's inappropriate."

ie, don't be so afraid to stand up for your beliefs in front of people who supposedly have a loving relationship with you. Party or not.

You can always invite him to take a walk away from the main party or to another room to do it.

[freeplessinseattle]

65. exact scenario has occurred

and I just get accused of being "oversensitive" or having no sense of humor.

[NashVegas]

66. Don't Back Down

It's not a subject you should have to have a sense of humor about.

[freeplessinseattle]

70. I know that, and I know they do, too

it's just sheer hate. how can I make them admit that and feel shame??

[NashVegas]

73. They Don't Have to Feel Shame

They just have to show respect for you.

You can't control what they feel (and you shouldn't try to), but you can draw a line about what is and what is not appropriate behavior at a function you host.

I'm speaking from experience: when it comes to messed up families, if you aren't willing to play the role of Family Asshole, absolutely nothing will change. You can't cure anything or anyone, but you can gain their respect and acceptance for your standards.

[Zuiderelle]

71. I agree. And if it continues and he doesn't back down either, then leave.

It's that important. And if your mom (freepless) refuses to leave him home for your birthday, you should tell her not to come too. Maybe eventually she'll get the point of how his words are destroying all your relationships. I've known people like that in my life. I don't ignore them. I say something similar to what Crisco suggested and if they don't stop, I walk away.

[geiger]

67. Without reading all these other responses, I can tell you from experience

with my own dad that nothing works. I just decided one day that every time he made a slur, I would calmly state my disagreement.

after trying to "ignore," over a period of time, I started to feel complicit. That's why I made the decision I did.

Unfortunately, until my dad was on his death bed, I never allowed my two boys to be around him. I didn't want them to even hear it.

[freeplessinseattle]

72. exactly. silence is complicity

that's how I feel, and it drives me nuts that my calm protests are seen as rocking the boat when it is really the other way around!

[distantearlywarning]

80. Sorry, but you ARE "rocking the boat"

Probably in his eyes and possibly in the eyes of your mother and other guests. This is not a bad thing, though, so don't be afraid of it. The best people this world has ever known have been boat-rockers, through and through.

But do be prepared to take shit for it. People don't like boat-rockers - not the bullies, and sometimes not bystanders who want to be ostriches (i.e. sticking their heads in sand). But, like I said up-thread, nobody ever changed anything bad in the world by ignoring, keeping the peace, or being nice. Don't get mad or upset, just set your boundaries about acceptable behavior and stick to them. So what if he calls you names or tells you you're being sensitive? You don't give a shit about what he thinks anyway, right? Or you can just kick him out if he gets too out of line.

I think you should stand right up in that boat and start jumping up and down. If your mother and her boyfriend fall overboard, good! A nice cold dunking might be just the refreshing wake-up call she needs.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

69. Get that They Might Be Giants song.

Play it on repeat.

[WhollyHeretic]

75. and maybe the Specials song "Racist Friend"

If you have a racist friend
Now is the time, now is the time
For your friendship to end

Be it your sister, be it your brother
Be it your cousin, or your uncle, or your lover

If you have a racist friend
Now is the time, now is the time
For your friendship to end

Be it your best friend, or any other
Is it your husband, or your father, or your mother

Either change their views
Or change your friends

If you have a racist friend
Now is the time, now is the time
For your friendship to end

So if you know a racist who thinks he is your friend
Now is the time, now is the time
For your friendship to end

Call yourself my friend
Now is the time to make up your mind
Don't try to pretend

Be it your sister, be it your brother
Be it your cousin, or your uncle, or your lover

So if you have a racist friend
Now is the time, now is the time
For our friendship to end

[Taverner]

77. Simple: when he starts dropping the "N" word

Start dropping "inbred redneck", "dumb-ass cracker" and "Southern Sheepfucker" in reference to his Klan :)

[peacefreak]

82. How 'bout suggesting a "Ladies Day"?

Do a little lunch, shopping, primping, scrapbooking or a walk down Memory Lane for the Matriarchal side of the family. If he insists on showing up, tell all the labor stories you can think of! :evilgrin:

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

83. I understand the difficulty. However. It's YOUR birthday. He's not invited. End of story.

If your Mom wants to not come because he's not invited, her choice, but this guy coming, especially after the way he acted out last time, is a nonstarter.

[Orsino]

84. Two words: water pistol

If he's as hard to train as a cat, similar measures may be called for. Every time he sets of an alarm bell, give him a squirt and yell, "No!" With luck, he'll leave, and if he escalates, maybe you can have him arrested.