Question: How do you deal with your SO's anger?

[SeattleGirl]

Not necessarily anger at you, but how do you deal with it when they are angry about something?

I'm asking because I got really angry at the phone company today (I'll spare the details). I was in a different room than MrSG when I was dealing with them, but told him what was going on when I got off the phone. I had good reason to be angry, and I did not lash out at him or anything, but he did his usual shut-down thing. Apparently, I'm not supposed to ever get angry about things; I don't know. He just doesn't deal with it well.

What about you? When you SO gets angry about something, how do you deal with it? How does it affect you?

[KitchenWitch]

1. Oh boy...is that ever a loaded question.

Check your PM.

[SeattleGirl]

2. Will do.

[grace0418]

3. I don't deal with it well either. My mother was very abusive and would have

fits of rage that came out of nowhere. And even if she was mad at one of my siblings or my dad or the mailman, she could easily turn on me or anyone else in her field of vision. So my reaction to people getting angry is to shut down and try to get out of the way before they turn on me. It's not that I don't feel my SO has the right to get angry, it's just an instinctual reaction on my part.

It doesn't help that my SO sometimes takes anger/frustration at someone or something else out on me. Not physically or anything, he just gets snippy with me when I know I'm not the one he's mad at. He usually apologizes for it later but it still sucks at the time, especially considering my history with my rageaholic mom.

[SeattleGirl]

4. That's understandable, grace.

There was a lot of anger in my home when I was growing up, and I confess to being a very angry person for a long time, but I am not that way now. And as I said, I don't lash out at him when I'm not angry at him, and even take it to another room. I just sometimes feel that he'd rather I never felt angry about anything, or never had any intense feelings of any type. :(

[grace0418]

7. Yeah, that's no good either. People need to be allowed their feelings.

They just need to know how not to take it out on others. It sounds like you've learned that. My mom never did and probably never will. At least she's not a rage queen anymore. Now she just whines and is unbearably passive-aggressive. I don't know which is worse.

[SeattleGirl]

14. Ugh, I hate whining.

If I can learn to deal anger better, and not get bent out of shape over every little thing, can he not learn that any show of any emotion is NOT a bad thing? :shrug:

[grace0418]

18. You've been together a long time, right?

Sometimes my husband assumes I'm going to react or behave the same way I did when we first met (I was 18 and still trying to recover from living with my mom). I've matured a lot and learned a lot since then. I think it's just because we've know each other for so long (we're 37 now), he has a harder time seeing how I've grown because he's so close to it. My friends now always say how level-headed and rational and easy-going I am, but he still sees me as overly-sensitive and negative.

[SeattleGirl]

20. Almost 17 years.

And I think you're right. Ive seen changes in him, and have acknowledge those to him, but yeah, he still thinks I'm going to be the same as I was 17 years ago.

[grace0418]

24. I think it's very hard for some people to step back and see changes in

someone so close to them. Maybe deep down they fear their partner will change too much and not want to be with them any more. I don't know what it is, but I've definitely experienced it. I can recall relatively recent quarrels we've had where he will say "you always do XYZ... (I know, you're never supposed to say that)" and I think "I haven't done that since I was 22! WTF?"

[Redstone]

11. Jesus, there's my Old Man right there. We got to be good at hiding from him.

Restone

[grace0418]

16. It definitely scarred me for life.

My reaction is utterly primal, unconscious and based on self-preservation. Great way to treat a little kid.

[raccoon]

42. My mother was like that too.

"And even if she was mad at one of my siblings or my dad or the mailman, she could easily turn on me or anyone else in her field of vision."

I can understand people getting mad, but if they're mad at something/somebody else, dammit, don't take it out on me.

[grace0418]

46. Especially a little kid who has no idea why he/she is being punished.

When you're not old enough to be able to say to yourself "I know this person isn't really mad at me, she's just mad and taking out on me inappropriately" it's so confusing and damaging to your psyche.

I'm sorry you had to live with that.

[raccoon]

47. Thanks, Grace. nt

[Madspirit]

5. Wow

Melanie doesn't like my anger either. She tends to lecture me and then I get madder and.... but eventually we calm down and talk about it.

What really bugs me...(I love her to bits...<g>)...is preemptive behavior control. If she knows ahead of time I am going to call a business or some place I'm likely to get pissed, she will tell me..."now don't get mad when you talk to them." Then I start out defensive.

We've been together for 15 years though so we've learned to get to the talking part much sooner.
Lee

[SeattleGirl]

12. Oh, MrSG does that very same thing -- don't get mad.

Quit telling me how to feel! That irks the shit out of me. I don't mind suggestions on how to deal with a situation; he sometimes comes up with some good ones, but don't do a pre-emptive strike on me. Grr!

[zanne]

39. The worse thing my husband can say to me when I'm mad.......

"Calm down". It makes me crazy.

[raccoon]

41. Hearing that from anybody when you're pissed off will make

just about anyone, unless they're a saint, pissed off.

Because it comes across as if the speaker is superior and has the right to tell the other person how to act, as if they were a little kid.

[SeattleGirl]

54. Exactly.

I hate that.

[Blue-Jay]

6. How would you rather he react?

[SeattleGirl]

13. Not ignore me. Acknowledge what I'm telling him. Not treat me as if

I'm invisible. Stuff like that would be good.

[Oeditpus Rex]

8. I kinda got off on it

When my ex got mad in the way you describe, it meant somethin' was gonna get done. Every time she got mad at a utility provider or something, we wound up getting credit for whatever they'd done to screw us.

I'd be like, "You GO, girl." :headbang:

[grace0418]

9. My husband is that way with me. He knows that I don't put up with bullshit

from anyone and the job will get done if I have anything to say about it.

[SeattleGirl]

15. Will you marry me?

:P :7

[Oeditpus Rex]

17. Maybe

Did you get the phone bill reduced/service restored/whatever? :P

[SeattleGirl]

21. Yes.

Guess that means I make the grade, huh? :rofl:

[Oeditpus Rex]

31. Well... this one, yeah

But there'll be other tests. :evilgrin:

[SeattleGirl]

32. Oh, NOW you tell me!

:spank:

[Redstone]

10. There's at least one dynamic going on there that we don't know about.

You're frustrated about, and angry with, the phone company. There could be several reasons for your husband's "shutdown."

Be honest, because I'm asking you as a friend:

1) Do you tend to go on and on about problems? Mrs R likes to "reinforce" things (over and over), which the rest of us find to be tiresome.

2) Does your husband have a tendency to let things go, rather than get worked up (as I do, much to Mrs R's frustration)? I don't know the details of your problem with the phone company, but I can recall numerous scenarios when Mrs R will get cranked up about something that I consider to not be worth worrying about. In those cases, I just let her vent, and go on to the next thing. Is that what's happening with you guys?

Redstone

[SeattleGirl]

19. Answers to your questions:

1. I used to do that, but haven't in years. I'm much better at letting the little things go. In this particular case, it was not a little thing. I was told incorrect information by 2 people at the phone company, and because of their "errors", I ended up paying nearly twice what the first person told me I owed. Then I was told it would take 2 days to get the phone turned back on, which also ticked me off. They can shut it off in a second; they should be able to turn it back on that fast once they get they hands on my money. One good thing about me getting after them -- instead of 2 days, it will only be a total of 12 hours before it's back on. :)

2. MrSG can be passive/aggressive. It's not that he lets everything go; he can get in someone's face if necessary. And it's okay with him if he does that, but apparently it's not okay when I do. Again, I used to get all tied up in knots over every little thing, but not any more. In fact, sometimes he gets nutso when I DON'T get worked up over something he thinks I should. :crazy:

[Redstone]

25. Aha. Then you have a right to bitch, not only at home but here as well. And you have

my sympathy. When you have a problem with the phone company (and it's their fault) that is so bad that your service gets cut off, yes, that's WELL worth some anger.

Redstone

[SeattleGirl]

28. What really irked me was being told that "The computer" will

have to figure out how much I've overpaid, AFTER they have the money.

Since when did HAL start running the world?

[Breeze54]

22. D*I*V*O*R*C*E*

;)

[SeattleGirl]

26. .....

:)

[NNadir]

23. I'm very uxurious. I wait for her to forgive me.

[SeattleGirl]

27. Hmmmm, looks as if I need to learn the definition of a new (to me) word.

Uxurious?

[qwertyMike]

29. Hugs n/t

[SeattleGirl]

30. Ahhhhh, thanks!

:)

[grannylib]

33. When my hubby gets angry, he tends to stomp around a lot and swear

hugely and really go off...I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it hate it. Makes me want to just get in the car and drive away, for a really long time. And if it were a rare occurence, I could take it better, but he really doesn't handle things well most of the time, so it's two-three times a week sometimes that he's all out of joint about SOMETHING, and it's hard to tell what's really REALLY important and what's just frustration - he deals with it all on about the same level, and that level is 15 on a 1-10 scale.

It just makes me want to be alone and go have a smoke and think some relaxing thoughts.

[SeattleGirl]

34. That's completely understandable, granny

I used to have my dial set on 15, but that was long ago. There are many things now that would have made me mad in the past, but not any more. However, any level of anger seems to bother MrSG, so it makes me think that HE hasn't learned to reset HIS reaction dial!

[grannylib]

36. I hear ya. If I get peeved enough to actually let someone KNOW, he

gets ALL freaked out; it's so unusual. I generally swallow everything and then it blows, which is really a shitty way to handle things...So his dial is set on 15 for BOTH of us, *lol*

I used to be more easily angered, and REALLY cynical, but have become much more the family optimist in the last quarter-century or so...hubby still the family pessimist, sees the worst in everything, worries about everything, and blows it all out of proportion.

I keep telling him it's a good day if he wakes up breathing; not sure if he believes me or not.

[Breeze54]

37. Then just do it!

"It just makes me want to be alone and go have a smoke and think some relaxing thoughts."

Why put up with that childish behavior? You deserve some peace in your life.

Three times a week?? No way... would I put up with tantrums.

That would just make me a victim and I don't wear that label.

[grannylib]

92. *LOL* Why thank you, I think I WILL!

I guess sometimes I overdo the 'patience' thing; I keep hoping that if I can remain calm and try to handle things a little more proportionately, maybe he'll learn to do the same, but maybe after this long it's pointless...I dunno...

[Manifestor_of_Light]

35. I try not to listen.

My sweetie just cusses and gripes and sighs. He doesn't confront anybody because he feels powerless to effect change in others he has conflicts with, just like I do. He doesn't yell, but it's very unpleasant for me.

I'm like lots of other people here. My parents were mild mannered WASP types who did not yell and scream. They did low level sniping at each other.

I cannot be around unpredictable people. They blow up and yell at me for something I did wrong, or mentioned the wrong word, or whatever, and I just want to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. Sometimes I will just burst into tears. And then the person that yells at me thinks I'm acting like a spoiled kid who wants all the attention, when the opposite is true. I want to crawl under a rock so nobody will notice me because I'm embarrassed.

My dad was a dry drunk and occasionally would rage at me and my mom and sister. It was pretty rare. And he would never hit a woman. And mom was predictably a passive aggressive whiner that was busy trying to convince me that my dad was a no-good bum. It didn't work at all. He was a cool guy, and quite streetsmart and wise.


And then the people that blow up at me seem to think there's something wrong with me. I wish they would give me a list of their hot buttons. A list that says "Please do not mention the following subjects-one, two, three, etc." I will just avoid them totally. Even to the point of refusing to ever talk to them again.


Beats me.

[SeattleGirl]

55. It's difficult to deal with people like that.

And what you said about people who blow up acting like there's something wrong with you -- kind of reminds me of the people who play mean jokes on others (and I mean MEAN) who turn around and get all indignant when the butt of the joke gets upset, as if there's something wrong with them because they don't enjoy being humiliated.

[Beausoir]

38. My husband never gets angry. He never gets angry at me.

I'm not making this up. He gets stressed at the kids. Kinda crabby about the bills, etc. But he never raises his voice to me.

It's...weird. To be so in control all the time.

[SeattleGirl]

56. I always feel a little leary of people who are in control all the time.

Maybe I'm expecting them to blow up big time at some point....

[Beausoir]

91. Well, I've been with him for 25 years and he hasn't "blown up" yet.

He's just a very nice guy. Very calm and gentle.

[One_Life_To_Give]

40. My first reaction is to give her space

because that is what I would want. I have to stop and consciously think that she reacts differently than me and this may not be what she wants me to do. But it may take a few minutes before I realize that and get back to try and figure out what she is thinking.

[SeattleGirl]

57. I like it that you realize her needs may be different than yours.

If I'm really angry at MrSG (doesn't happen often), I've learned to take myself out of the room for awhile, until I can more reasonably talk about what I'm pissed about. That works well for me, but when I do come back, I want him to listen to me. The shut down stuff really irks me. It's as if I'm not acceptable unless I'm some kind of Pollyanna or something.

[Phillycat]

43. I grew up in an abusive home...I would never be with a yeller now.

I don't spend time with anyone who expresses anger by yelling, stomping, slamming doors, or fuming. Friends or significant others. I have no desire to be around someone who cannot control themselves. When those things happened in my house growing up, that meant a beating was next. I refuse to have those triggers in my life now.

Luckily, I have an SO and friends who don't do that. :)

[SeattleGirl]

58. Very understandable, janesez

I don't like that stuff either. I think one can express anger without throwing a temper tantrum.

[mike_c]

44. ultimately, divorce....

Her anger led to greater than usual levels of self-destructive behavior.

[SeattleGirl]

59. It's sad when someone harms themself.

[leftofthedial]

45. nothing much, really

when my ex became angry, I'd just have plastic surgery, change my name, leave the country . . .

:shrug:

[SeattleGirl]

60. LOL! Of course you would!

:7

[Shine]

48. The dynamic in our marriage is a bit different....

b/c I'M the one who tends to get angry! LOL. Seriously, between the two of us, MrShine is much more even-keeled, emotionally, than I am. He's much more patient than I am, pure and simple. It takes a LOT for him to get truly angry and when he does, I'm fine with it. I can get extremely pissed off and reactionary at the drop of a hat sometimes....but, to my credit, I can also get off it, just as quickly. It depends on the situation. Hey, I'm an Aries, what can I say? :D Bottom line, though, when I get angry, he usually is fine with it, too. We're pretty good at working shit out, between the two of us, on the whole.

The challenging times come when we're dealing with his mentally ill brother, for whom MrShine is basically responsible. Long story there, but ultimately, we get into many many arguments about how to best handle that situation and it's complicated b/c of the BIL's mental illness. In fact, I would venture to say that dealing with the BIL has been one of the biggest challenges in our marriage.

:hi: :hug:

Good luck with your situation, SG. I know you're in the midst of a lot of change right now.

[SeattleGirl]

61. Taking care of someone can put a lot of strain on a marriage, for sure.

It sounds like the two of you manage to deal with it, though, which can't always be easy. :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

49. I kiss him and hold his hand

and tell him I love him, and talk it out, if he wants to :)

And he doesn't get angry with me...I get angry with him sometimes, but it's very hurtful to him, so I'm working on talking about it asap, instead of stewing and giving him the silent treatment. I used to be a screamer who threw things at people, but I've gorwn up a bit now :)

[SeattleGirl]

63. I used to be a screamer too, but deal with my anger in a better way

now.

One thing I've never done is hit below the belt. By that, I mean that when we know someone really well, we know their vulnerabilities, and some people use those vulnerabilities to attack someone during an argument. To me, that's just not okay, not for me, and not for the other person. Because once the argument is over, I don't want mean, cruel things hanging over our heads.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

50. she is a very big fan of talkign things out. i am much more prone to temper tantrums

[SeattleGirl]

64. Do you eventually get to the point where you can talk things out?

I'm assuming you do.

[malta blue]

51. Whenever I get upset

about something, MrMB deals pretty well, even when the anger is directed at him. Me, not so much....when he is upset about work or something, he shuts down and then I start feeling grumpy and we all know "if mommy's not happy, nobody's happy"...After a couple of days, I usually snap and then he snaps out of it.

Not very healthy:-(

[SeattleGirl]

65. Sounds a bit like MrSG, though he has gotten better at talking

about things. He still does the shut-down thing, though. And it really irks me when I ask what's wrong, and he says "Nothing." BS! I know something is wrong by his behavior. If he doesn't want to talk about something at a particular time, I'm cool with that, but I just wish he'd SAY THAT, instead of lying and saying nothing's wrong.

[ceile]

52. I leave.

Anger is not an emotion that I deal well with coming from other people. He gets mad about something, I generally leave the house or go in the other room.

[SeattleGirl]

66. Does he really act out when he's angry?

Or is it difficult for you to deal with any degree of anger, regardless of how it's expressed?

[ceile]

76. Any degree.

He radiates anger sometimes and because I can't do anything to help him deal with it, I tend to leave.
When I do say something to the effect of "calm down" or "is this really helping?" he just says that we "deal" with things differently. Which is true, I prefer a beer and a smoke or a chat with my girlfriends, to slamming things around.

[SeattleGirl]

78. Sometimes removing ourselves from the room is a good thing.

Especially if the person expressing the anger is really being "expressive".

[NewWaveChick1981]

53. My husband definitely has anger issues...

:yoiks: He stomps around and acts like a five-year-old who had his toys taken away. I do NOT buy into it, and I never have. He does it to get attention, and it's just stupid. If he's angry at me, he's usually punitive in his behavior and then contrite about an hour later. If he's angry at someone or something else, he's usually punitive and holds grudges. He's downright hostile about it at times.

I used to hold my anger in, and I don't any more. If I'm pissed off, I allow myself to be pissed off until I'm not angry any more. I don't throw things or take it out on anyone else. I know most of you have seen me mention coming close to leaving him on several occasions, and his lack of anger management is one of the major reasons why. He has never been physically violent, but I really do NOT enjoy being berated and then apologized to. I should never be berated, and neither should anyone else.

[SeattleGirl]

67. That's too bad. It's one thing to express anger about a specific

thing, but quite another to use that anger to berate someone. That's why I have my "no hitting below the belt" rule. I don't use my anger as an excuse to throw the proverbial garbage at him, or anyone else.

[NewWaveChick1981]

72. Thank you, SG...

:hug: I like your rule. :)

[Zookeeper]

70. Mine, too....

He can be very critical and sarcastic with a tone of utter distain. And he doesn't handle frustration well. I can stand up for myself, but having to stand up for our kids as well, has just worn me out.

He's dealing with it, and the situation is improving. However, after so many years, even a reduced level of criticism feels like too much.

It's a tiresome thing to live with, isn't it, NewWaveChick? :hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

71. Yes indeed, Zookeeper...

:hug: :pals: I hate that you know what this is like. Sounds like your husband and mine could have been brothers. He's dealing with it too, but it's still too much.

Makes me glad at this point that we don't have kids. I'm glad you stand up for yours, but I know it's very tiring. :hug:

[Zookeeper]

74. .....

:pals: :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

79. NWC and Zookeeper......

:hug: :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

62. Anger turns me into a mouse.

Whether it is directed at me or not. I usually have a panic attack if voices are raised. I try to hide or fade into my surroundings. I shut down and/or burst into tears.

[SeattleGirl]

68. I used to do that too, Ariana.

I grew up around a lot of anger, but I've learned over time that anger is not necessarily a destructive thing. In fact, if someone is angry with me, I'd rather they tell me rather than shutting down and ignoring me. My mom used to do that to me, and I felt invisible, as if I didn't exist to her. She doesn't do that any more. If she's angry about something someone did, she tells them, which I like.

[Ariana Celeste]

69. I've gotten a little better about it since I left home.

It's going to take time but I know my usual reaction doesn't help anything, especially since it tends to piss people off even more.

[SeattleGirl]

80. It takes time, for sure.

One of the keys for me was to realize that not every expression of anger was over-the-top with everybody.

[Zookeeper]

73. I'm not upset by reasonable expressions of anger....

especially if it has nothing to do with me.

[SeattleGirl]

81. I'm not either.

But MrSG is. :-(

[Hardrada]

75. Duck!

[SeattleGirl]

82. Stop, drop, and roll!

[fudge stripe cookays]

77. What anger?

reprehensor is the most easygoing guy I know.

I've seen him REALLY angry maybe twice to three times in our entire relationship (8 years and counting). When he does get angry, it's mostly just cranky, and not even that bad. We just crack jokes about it, and he goes and surfs in the other room for awhile. After a beer or a glass of wine, he comes out and he's fine. I call him Cranky Pants when he gets like that.

Now ME, I'm a totally different story. I scream and bitch and lose it. He has a special nickname for me, but unless you were a little kid in the 1960s and watched the cartoon "The Mighty Hercules", you'd have no idea what a "Sidious Bird Lains" is, and that when he makes pterodactyl noises, he's teasing me affectionately about it.

I adore him. :loveya:

[SeattleGirl]

83. Sounds like a really good guy!

[fudge stripe cookays]

86. I am always laughing when he's around.

And that's worth a lot. Part of the reason we work so well. Even with health issues and everything else, he keeps me laughing!

:D

[querelle]

84. I Just Walk Away

Anger is something that I don't deal with particularly well. I grew up in an environment where I was never exposed to shouting or anger. My parents used to go for a drive when they had to "discuss" contentious issues so I was never exposed to such things. Outward expressions of anger makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't have an SO right now, but when I did, he understood this and tried his best to behave. But.......he is my ex for a reason you know.

Q

[SeattleGirl]

85. One of the things that has helped me deal with anger is the job I do.

I'm a vocational counselor, dealing with folks hurt on the job. Oftentimes, by the time they get to me, they are really pissed off at the worker's comp system. I let them vent (but I don't let them make it personal with me), and then I explain the system to them. Nearly everyone I've dealt with who has been angry ends up thanking me for taking the time to explain things to them, as usually no one has before that. I can't fault them for their anger at all, but as I said, if they start making it personal, as if everything is my fault, I stop them. They don't pay me enough to be a verbal punching bag!

[MichiganVote]

87. I guess I don't get the part of when he shuts down somehow that

translates into your assumption on his part that you should not feel angry about stuff.

You are you. He is who he is. You'll probably change the phone company before you change him.

[SeattleGirl]

88. He's told me he doesn't like anger, so it's not an assumption.

I could certainly understand if my "anger dial" was set on turbo all the time, but it's not. I don't scream at him, or threaten him or anything; he just doesn't like it when I get angry about something, and would be perfectly happy if I never expressed anger again.

And I agree with your point: he is who he is, and I am who I am. Doesn't mean it doesn't bother me sometimes.

[MichiganVote]

89. :) Well, it seems to be the case that your anger bothers him as much

as his lack of anger or lack of response to your anger. It could be considered controlling to withdraw from someone significant when that person is angry about something. Not that there is any control is marriage...:) Factually, my husband is a venter, always has been. Me, much less so. But curiously, whenever we switched roles earlier on, we were both uncomfortable with each other. Now, after 26 years, he doesn't care and neither do I.

He's a little better at realizing that someday's I'm just into listening to a pisser and I'm a little better at feigning interest when I could really care less.

[GalleryGod]

90. We have our moments, (like once a YEAR)but, nothing near what's on this thread.

I feel so very,very, lucky. I think I'll make her breakfast in Bed in about an hour !