I have been told I am very "reserved" many times

[alarimer]

I cannot seem to overcome it. I could try drinking more but that doesn't seem like a healthy choice. Alcohol triggers my headaches in a big way so I try not to have more than 2, although it sometimes still happens.

Anyway, on dates or when meeting new people, I have been told that I am "reserved." I know part of it is just shyness that goes away (sometimes) with time as I get to know someone. But I struggle to find things to say. I have to remind myself to ask questions of the other person (so as to at least appear to be a normal person that knows how to make conversation)- like "What do you do?" "How old are your kids?" etc.

I met someone the other night who was quite the opposite. He hugged me when I left, which kind of surprised me. I am not a demonstrative person so I won't normally touch someone I don't know; I always let them make the first move. He sent me a message the next day, saying that he would have kissed me but didn't want to freak me out, because he was a very sexual person (his words). Aren't we all- just maybe not on the first date (not that I haven't done that before). After a brief email exchange I haven't heard from him since. I am not sure I am that interested or possibly I am just chicken. He was just a little too gregarious for me. Is that possible? I mean, they say opposites attract so someone like that should bring me out of my shell (at least in theory). I really hate this part of the dating process. When you meet someone new and then agonize over every word or communication. Or maybe I'm the only one that does that- over analyze everything.

[crim son]

1. You aren't the only one.

Why would you not give Mr. Gregarious a chance, just once or twice? You could initiate by sending him an email, and get together for something simple so if it doesn't work out, it's not a tragedy. As for being shy, that's an endearing quality.

[alarimer]

2. I will

I mean, it's only a date, right? Chance to have so some fun and I can find out if he really is a freeper.

[crim son]

4. Yeah, it's only a date. And if he's a freeper,

you can view it as a job, not just an adventure. :P

[alarimer]

9. sometimes dates DO feel a lot like job interviews

especially first ones.

[alarimer]

11. Now I am too nervous to call or write

This happens all the time. I don't take the initiative because it makes me nervous and then things, relationships and friendships, fall by the wayside. :banghead:

[crim son]

12. If you're really nervous, then try to write when you have an adventuous moment.

It's easier than a telephone call (of course I have phone phobia). Write, push send and then forget about it. Anything good that follows will be a pleasant surprise and if nothing comes of it, oh well, you're only practicing for next time. :hug: Wait for that moment of confidence.

[Wapsie B]

3. What you've described sounds a lot like me.

A lot. Not the alcohol-triggered headaches though.

[alarimer]

10. I think it actually might be migraines

There seems to be more than one trigger. But it does keep me from drinking too much.

[SPKrazy]

5. I've Been Told That A Lot In My Life Too

so what if you are reserved? The best way to make someone think you are a good conversationalist is to be a good listener and focus on reflecting what they are saying. People are most interested in themselves as a rule, so if you act interested in them, you will impress them.

Over analyzing things is a specialty of people like me who are shy, worriers, and tend to take apart every little thing that happens.

Drinking isn't the answer. Learning to live in the moment and to let go of the future and the past and be in the here and now is the answer.

As for the date? What the hell?

:shrug:

go for it... it's just a date.

[alarimer]

7. You're right

I have learned to identify certain topics that are good conversation starters. Not politics unless I know the politics of the person. I mean it's okay if we disagree but I don't like to bring up heavy subjects right away. So sports is good. Not that I know a huge amount about sports. Their job. Movies. Music. TV. Boring but safe.

[u4ic]

6. If someone is going to judge you

negatively because you're quiet for the first while, then they aren't worth your while. There is always more than meets the eye.

Our culture seems to want faster, stronger, LOUDER. Not everyone wants that, though. There is room for all personality types.



Perhaps he is someone who you can learn from, if this is an issue for you. As is often said, when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

[alarimer]

8. I know

It's weird to be introverted in a society that apparently values the extroverted a lot more. I have found my niche as far as work goes. It is not a problem there. I have learned how to deal. I can even give talks without too much trouble. It is in the personal life that it is more of an issue.

Actually the really weird thing is he reminds me of my last boyfriend. That did not end well. But I know that everyone and every situation is different so it doesn't mean this will end the same way.

[I Have A Dream]

13. I don't come across that way to people, but I definitely feel it inside.

I hope that things get easier for you, alarimer.

:hug:

[alarimer]

14. It only lasts until I really get to know someone

but even then I've been accused of being uncommunicative. I suppose that's true to a degree but what if I just have nothing to say? I guess it's a skill I haven't learned yet but I have gotten better.

[I Have A Dream]

15. Do you feel drained after being around people? Do you feel as though you...

need to be alone to recharge your battery?

[alarimer]

16. Yes. and I am very jealous of my free time

I am reluctant to give any of it up for someone who might not be worth it. But sometimes I also complain about being alone all the time. So maybe too much aloneness isn't good even for me.

[I Have A Dream]

17. I feel exactly the same, alarimer. Here's some information that I posted a...

while back. Maybe it will help you.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=3903011&mesg_id=3905211

I don't really much like small talk. A little bit is fine and can help to break the ice and connect with people, but I'm bored out of my mind when the entire relationship revolves around idle chit chat.

It's our culture that doesn't value people like us. Other cultures think that our way of being is perfectly fine and is actually the preferred way of being.

[alarimer]

18. I will check that out

I took the test on the website and I guess I am at least borderline HSP. I already knew I was an introvert from doing an MMPI years ago. It was interesting. I work in a science field and a lot of my coworkers were introverts as well. I think we are drawn to biology because we are not "people" people, even though in my job I deal with the public ALL the time. I am not really bothered by it anymore except when some member of the public approaches me when I am working and tries to talk my ear off. That can be tiresome. But I can survive in my field without having to be an extrovert. I don't really even have trouble speaking in public anymore. Yes I get nervous but it doesn't scare me the way it once might have.

I work with one person who is an extreme extrovert. Drives me nuts! He talks constantly; it is almost as if silence is bad. And talks about the stupidest things too- as if the silence has to be filled with something.

[Maraya1969]

21. I was just going to post that site for her!!!!! I have the same thing and this

test made me feel a lot better. I especially identify with sensitivity to loud sounds and such. I finally realized why I hate going to the movie theater. I've ran out of the theater so many times with panic attacks.

Now if I ever go I sit in the very back and wear ear plugs and sometimes sun glasses. And I don't care if I look like a freak because it makes me feel much better.

[HEyHEY]

19. Just sporadically punch people in the face. That'll fix the issue.

[Redstone]

20. Nothing wrong with being that way, not at all. Don't worry about it.

Redstone