Two nuns

[underpants]

These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's
there?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the
other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?

[meegbear]

1. BWAH-HAHAHAHA!!

[Glorfindel]

2. Two nuns walking down the street together

meet a drunk. They separate and let him pass between them. The drunk stops, thinks for a second, and says, "Now how did she DO that?"
O8)

[underpants]

3. :-)

:bounce:

[tk2kewl]

4. LOL!

:rofl:

[BOSSHOG]

5. Two Nuns got in a car wreck

They took their car to a garage but the mechanic sent them to a fruitstand because he said Nuns traveled in pairs.

[underpants]

6. Booooooooooooo!

[BOSSHOG]

7. Hey

that's one of the world's greatest jokes. Two Nuns walk into a bar. The bartender says, what is this a joke?

[underpants]

8. Guy sitting in his living room reading the paper

HE hears a knock on the door so he gets up walks over and opens it.

No one is there. He looks down and sees a snail. He picks it up, looks at it, and throws it across the street into his neighbor's yard. He goes back and sits down and reads his paper.

Three months later there is another knock on the door.

The gets up and opens the door, no one is there again. He looks down and there is the snail.

And the snail says, "What the fuck?"

:shrug::grr::shrug:

[BOSSHOG]

9. Hey (#2)

Did you steal that joke from me? I read that in Reader's Digest years ago and posted sometime back at DU. Guess what I herd? Sheep!

[underpants]

10. No but a mushroom did walk into a bar

and the bartender said "We don't serve your kind in here"

and the mushroom said "Why not I'm a fun guy"

[Smooth Operator]

11. Nun jokes eh?

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was
cleaning the father's room the other day and do you
know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was
in the father's room putting away the laundry and I
found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

[BOSSHOG]

12. Utter Nunsense!

everybody knows priests don't use condoms.

[Smooth Operator]

13. okay then try this one on for size

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly
across the street from a whore house.

They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the
house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!". They
both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously
and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.

"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing
holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is
coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the
flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!".

Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the
house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly
sneaking in.

"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap, "One of the poor girls
musta died."

[zanne]

17. I love it! nt

[Parche]

16. Nun Cents

Wild Nuns
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns. The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

The Sister answers, "Oh, we just got off Highway 101."
-------------------
Pregnant Nun
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups

---------------


The Nun's Secret
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

-----------------------

[BurtWorm]

14. Stop me if you've heard this one:

Two spinster sisters made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no life after death.
The eldest was the first to go, and true to her word she came back to her sister that night.

"Gladys. Gladys."

"Is that you, Agnes?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"Oh how wonderful! Tell me, what's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. A little lettuce for breakfast, off to the
golf course. I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. After a huge
helping of lettuce for lunch, there's another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After a supper of lettuce, it's the golf course again. Then more sex
until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"I don't quite get the lettuce, but I'm really surprised you can have sex in heaven."

"Oh I'm not in heaven. I'm a rabbit in Wisconsin."

[zanne]

15. So cute!

I just repeated it to my husband. It'll be all over the neighborhood by tomorrow.

[Smooth Operator]

18. Bill Gates

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows Vista. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.

God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."

Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine" said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says: "That was the screen saver."

[racaulk]

19. So three nuns die in a car accident and go to Heaven.

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates. He says to them, "You have all lived a good life serving God and you will all certainly get into Heaven. But before you do, you must each answer one question."

He approaches the first nun and says, "Who was the first man on Earth?"

The first nun says, "Gee, that's an easy one. That was Adam."

Bells start ringing, lights start flashing, the pearly gates open and the first nun gets into Heaven.

Next, St. Peter approaches the second nun and says, "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The second nun replies, "Gee, that's an easy one. That was Eve."

Bells start ringing, lights start flashing, the pearly gates open and the second nun gets into Heaven.

Then, St. Peter approaches the third nun and asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The third nun had trouble with this question. She had read the Bible many times over in her lifetime, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't remember the first thing Eve said to Adam. So she gives up and says, "Gee, that's a hard one."

Bells start ringing, lights start flashing...

:evilgrin: