okay, what's today's "enlightened" opinion on this scenario?

[grasswire]

The single mom has two teenagers, boy and girl. About three nights a week, the girl (14) sleeps in bed with the mom. Given the fact that they travel occasionally to poor parts of Eastern Europe where nobody in the family has a separate bed, and given the fact that the girl is obviously hungry for physical affection, could this behavior be bad for the girl in any way? When they sleep in the same bed, the girl twines her legs around the mom and nestles in her mom's embrace like a baby, the mother says. I have noticed that the girl has some problem differentiating herself as a grown girl who is no longer a "little" girl. She drew a picture recently of the two of them depicting herself as about 1/4 the height of her mother when in reality there is only an inch difference in their height at 5'7" and 5'8". Too, the girl often lisps and talks in a very young way when talking to mom. Is there any correlation between the sleeping together and the acting babyish?

I'm not being a busybody. The mom has asked me for input, as the girl has some new academic problems and she is trying to sort out some behavioral quirks.

[Rhiannon12866]

1. I don't know how enlightened I am, but I think that the girl is very young for her age.

And, perhaps, she could benefit from therapy. I have had to sleep with my mother, on occasion, like at a hotel, and my grandmother, as well, and it always made me feel very uncomfortable.

[Maineiac]

4. I totally agree

There are times when you need the help of qualified professionals. This is one of those times. The Mom should get his girl some help.

[Rhiannon12866]

7. I think so, too.

At 14, most kids are rebelling, at least a little. The last thing that I wanted, at that age, was to be close to my mother, though we got along alright. I was very close to my grandmother, always, but a hug did it for me. I agree that this girl should speak to someone professional, IMHO. :-)

[Oeditpus Rex]

2. I don't think anyone here is qualified

to make this call.

What does the mom think? She knows her daughter better than anyone, and she's apparently made the connection and is concerned.

[Random_Australian]

3. I'll agree with OR here. Consider your opinion seconded, Mister Rex.

[grasswire]

5. to be honest...

...I think the mom has some trouble seeing the girl as a blossoming young woman at times, too. The girl is under-challenged and not truly asked to be competent or capable. The mom is super-capable. It must be hard to be the growing daughter of a strong woman. It must be easier to keep thinking of yourself as a little girl than to assert yourself. For the first time, the girl is having some trouble with schoolwork (eighth grade). I suspect it's time to help her emancipate herself from her little girl era, give her some responsibilities and point her toward being her own strong woman. Would that mean putting an end to the co-sleeping? Or is that unrelated?

And you're right. I'm not qualified. The decision won't depend on what I have to advise.

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. So much easier that

she may be infantilizing herself because she can't meet the standards her mom has set — whether the mom has done so consciously or otherwise. Young teens, in particular, compete with their parents on some levels, and if she feels she can't keep up, she may well just give in. Her new trouble with schoolwork is an indicator.

I'm speaking in general terms, though, not necessarily to this specific case.

[grasswire]

9. a complicating factor may be...

...that her brother, a sophomore, is extremely gifted, socially adept and well-differentiated from mom.

I should have included the info that the girl is "skin-picking" on her arms -- something often associated with OCD. She's been doing this for about a year; picking at tiny whiteheads compulsively -- often unconsciously. Her arms are covered with tiny red spots and scabs. Her mom rejects any notion that the girl needs professional help with this.

[SKKY]

8. I'm quite certain the mom has done things, or continues to do things...

...to encourage this type of behavior- subconsciously of course. She needs to get this girl some help, and should probably be there with here becaue I think the psychologist will want to ask some tough questions of mom as well.

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. Sounds like Mom has problems letting her daughter grow up.

The issue is that Mom isn't differentiating; and because of that, the girl isn't getting anywhere, either.

How very sad.

Probably nothing evil or sinister in intent from the mother; just some slight mental illness.

[grasswire]

12. I don't believe there's either....

....anything sinister OR slight mental illness. I believe the problem is something that might be termed "benign neglect." The mom simply doesn't realize that the dynamics border on unhealthy. She believes that the girl suffers from daddy hunger and needs a lot of affection from family members so she will be able to form good, loving relationships as an adult. It's just that there is confusion over whether the girl is a young girl, or a young woman. You know, I just realized something else. The girl is allowed to watch movies and television that are mature for her age -- has been for several years now. It must be confusing to be allowed some entry into the adult world but feel compelled to act babyish to get affection from mom.

Yeah, I think some counseling would be a good thing. Mom will have trouble working it into her busy professional schedule, though. Sigh.

[wildhorses]

11. sounds like this girl is forming very weak boundaries--

and is demonstrating some self-abusing behavior which could suggest a deeper underlying issue. these signs lead me to believe that therapy might be appropriate.

[uppityperson]

13. Not passing any judgement but if mom is concerned, get her some professional help.

She needs to go talk with a professional to help her sort out if this is a problem or not, and get everyone what assistance they can get. I am NOT saying this is the mom's problem, but it is ok to go talk with a teen specialized counselor for starters. Best of luck, teen yrs can be difficult for all and remember, anything anyone does affects everyone.