A fantasy "what if"

[sammythecat]

Let's say you had the opportunity, well,... let's change that. Say you were compelled to go back
in time to 10th century England. A one way trip with nothing but your bathrobe and your wits (if
any).

There you are in a field not far from a small village. Pretty soon you're going to find yourself
heading toward that village. When you get there, what in the world are you going to say, or do, to
get some trust and acceptance from these people?

I've given this some thought (more thought than to my taxes) and I'm kind of stunned that I can't
think of a single thing I could say, or do, to keep these people from coming to the conclusion that
I was either witch ready for roasting, or a delusional, and scary, madman that should be chased
off into the forest.

Any skills or knowledge I have now would be utterly useless for me back then. Remember, time
is important here, and you won't have a lot of it. You're going to be hungry soon, and if you don't
come up with something pretty quick you're going to be the source of heat and light in the village
square some night, or, if you're shunned, you're pretty much screwn. You'd be the most
disadvantaged of all, in the day when life truly was brutish, and short. You'd be doomed.

I thought of telling them about bacteria and the benefit of keeping wounds clean, but they'd
probably set me on fire long before the results came in. I thought I had it when I thought of
gunpowder. Now THAT would be impressive! Simple gunpowder is some sort of combination of
sulfur, charcoal, and saltpeter. Charcoal, check, I can probably get that. But what about
saltpeter? What the hell is it anyhow? Do they have a jar of it in the hut? "Oh, and by the way,
can I borrow a cup of sulfur, please?"

Oh, shitfuck!! What's the combination!? I forgot the freakin' combination! What's the ratio,
Kenneth?
Whad'ya' mean, "What is the Google?"!

I'm lost. I'd have to strangle weaklings and eat them for food. I'd be a real honest-to-God ghoul, and my mother wanted me to be a scientist.

Got any ideas? What would you do? What would Jesus do?

I've given an inordinate amount of thought to this, so if you come up with something good, don't be
too glib and casual about it. Please make it sound like you had to think very, VERY, hard to
come up with an answer. Otherwise I will feel stupid and become despondent and inconsolable. :-(

[WI_DEM]

1. Gosh, I'd have to live by my wits--after all I'd be a naked guy in a modern bathrobe!

Maybe I'd get rid of the bathrobe and go into town naked or with strategically arranged leaves around me and say "I was ambushed and they took my clothes and money." Maybe some maiden would take pity on me.

[sammythecat]

2. Ahh, and then one thing leads to another...

and then afterward while enjoying your cigarette you talk about... :shrug:

[grace0418]

3. Wear the bathrobe and pretend you are a king from a foreign land.

Start ordering people around and they may believe you.

[sammythecat]

4. Not bad. But it wouldn't work for me

My bathrobe isn't very regal looking. I'd just look like a nut in his bathrobe.

In a field. :-(

[grace0418]

5. Yeah, but it might look pretty fancy and exotic to someone who's worn the same

sackcloth tunic for the last ten years.

[sammythecat]

9. And smell better too! I hope!

But what if he likes it so much he takes it?

Yikes! :scared:

[grace0418]

11. That's why you have to order everyone around.

Put a little fear into them so they think you'll kick their asses or have them beheaded or something.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. I have this really nice fuzzy bathrobe, and they'd take it away from me

and then I'd be buck naked, which would put me at a huge disadvantage right at the beginning.

[sammythecat]

10. That might be true

but not in the way you might expect! :evilgrin:

[WI_DEM]

7. Plan B would be to go into town and say "My name is George W. Bush and I'm the village idiot."

[sammythecat]

22. Couldn't you just say "I'm George W. Bush" and be done with it.

Why be redundant?

You're a smartass too.

Here: :spank:

[CanuckAmok]

8. Tell them to eat their own dung.

Then when they're busy doing that, *BAM* hit them all in the back of the heads with a shovel.

Take all their beans and stuff while they're out-cold/dead, and never look back.

[sammythecat]

14. I'm a little stuck on the first step there.

You know. The part about getting them to eat their own dung. That might be tougher than the original problem.

If you could solve that, everything else would be a piece of cake. :think:

[Gatchaman]

12. All right, you primitive screwheads! LISTEN UP!

This is my BOOMSTICK!

Seriously, take over the world. You can't build a computer or an airplane, but there's a million little day to day things these people would have no clue whatsoever about.

[sammythecat]

15. For instance,...

:shrug:

[Random_Australian]

13. Martial arts, of course. You can carry that with you anywhere.

[sammythecat]

17. But what to do when

the cops arrive?

with sharp stuff and pointy things to stick you with? :shrug:

[Random_Australian]

21. I mean use it to become successful.

You can look around the town, work out something that they would like, and start plying your trade.

Also, you may need to live in the woods and eat fishes and berries. But I'm a country bumpkin so I can handle that.

[sammythecat]

23. But if you tried to use karate to become successful

wouldn't the villagers soon get the shits of you, and like, call the gendarmes, or the FBI or something?

Ply my trade? Right now I drive a forklift. They didn't have propane till William the Conqueror brought it from France in 1952!

[Random_Australian]

26. You are not getting me.

1) Look around the village.
2) Find a stream.
3) Set up a camp in the woods.
4) Use your brains, well-fed body, immune system, and martial arts to become a kick-arse ranger.
5) Find something the villagers want.
6) Help them acheive said thing.
7) Then villagers like you and don't call the genitours, gendarmes, men-at-arms, or trebuchets.
8) Then you use attributes again to become kickarsely influential.
9) Start a social improvement algorithm.
10) Leave behind a kick-arse society when you die. (or something that will eventually become awesome)
11) Become really jealous of the other guy who did the same thing, but better. In France.
12) Send him a nuke.
13) Laugh.

[sammythecat]

38. Galldang!!!

I'm the fuck with you!!

Damn!

You're fucking inspiring, Dude!! I'm ready to go right fuckin' NOW!!

YEAH!! :yourock: you really do.

[Random_Australian]

39. *takes bow* Thankyou, thankyou.

:D

[rug]

16. I'd ak directions to the nearet monastery.

[sammythecat]

19. There's a possibility

you could at least buy a little time maybe.

A little time to think of a long term solution. :thumbsup:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

18. Can I bring a chainsaw? That would help a lot.

[sammythecat]

20. Don't be a smartass

This is series.

:spank:

[Oeditpus Rex]

24. If I could go back to 10th-century England

all I'd wanna do is beat those daffy English k.....niggets to the Holy Grail and then taunt them with it.



Oh �— and pay a visit to Castle Anthrax.







:7

[sammythecat]

25. In your bathrobe!?

what's a nigget?

[Random_Australian]

27. knight, except pronounced like it is spelt. That is why the k was out the front.

He's quoting from a great movie.

[sammythecat]

29. Oh

I was afraid maybe they bit. :thumbsup:


What's the movie btw? I like those kind of movies.

[Random_Australian]

31. Monty Python: The Quest For The Holy Grail.

One hell of a good comedy movie. :)

[sammythecat]

33. Yes it was, and I completely

missed the reference.

One indication that I'd be at a serious disadvantage coming up with a creative solution. Can't even remember what I already know when it's right in my face. :banghead:

[Oeditpus Rex]

28. Why not?

It's a fantasy, innit? I can do ANYthing. :7



These are k......niggets:







So deemed by this French dude:

[sammythecat]

30. now I getcha.

Monty Python.

I'm pretty dense sometimes. Just most of the time. :-(

[wildhorses]

32. i don't think i would go into the village

i think i would try to set up a place of my own in the woods...
i would pretend to be mute until i could get the cadence of the spoken word...
i would try to fashion my bathrobe into something that looked more presentable to these people.
i would keep my mouth shut and my ears open.
i would try to make myself useful so as not to appear expendable.

i am spending more time on this than i did my taxes:rofl:

[sammythecat]

34. A good plan of action.

Really. :thumbsup:

I had to laugh at one of your points though. Just how are you going to make your bathrobe "more presentable"? Hang acorns from the hem? Fluff it up a bit?

You were close to getting this :spank:

for that

but you're not, for now.

[wildhorses]

35. but, really??

i do love the good spanking:evilgrin:

i would try to observe their way of dress from a distance and scavenge and forage. it could be as simple as to turn it around and wear it backwards. perhaps tie my belt up a little higher as in the 'empire' design...

i would have to quietly observe and then make my decision as to how to best make it more presentable to their eyes.

[sammythecat]

36. I see what you mean

and that's a very sensible thing to consider. I hope yours isn't a bright or rich color. Mine's a deep, and rich, forrest green. That might bring on some questions that would be difficult to answer.

Anyway, enough of that. About the spanking thing,... :evilgrin:

[wildhorses]

37. well. not to boast or appear to be the 'lounge' about type

but, i have 3 robes

one light weight lavender summer robe
one heavy weight light green tapestry type robe
and
one heavyweight flannel robe in a dark grey ...this is the one i hope to take with me to the 10th century...

and about that spanking....






























i have been a very bad girl;)

[sammythecat]

40. Ahh, a most excellent choice my dear,

a heavyweight flannel robe in a dark grey would be just PERFECT for the heath in Olde England this time of year.

A bad girl huh? A very bad girl yet.

Well I think a good :spank: is definitely in order. We want you to be a good girl.

Good girls get smooches :loveya:

[wildhorses]

41. ooohhh then

i promise to behave *batting eyes*