If you ask people "what are you doing on _____", you should know that people hate you.

[LoZoccolo]

It is rude to try to hijack somebody's schedule by asking them what they are doing on that day, as if they have to justify whatever it is they are doing, or even have to justify not wanting to do something with you.

And when you do it, you do not fool anybody. Everybody knows it is a manipulative ploy, and people do not want to hang out with you simply because you do that. It makes you look like no one really wants to hang out with you. And there is probably some reason they don't, if not simply for the fact that you do this obnoxious and pathetic thing.

If you were a cool person before you did that, you are an uncool person after you did that.

I just thought that I would let you know, because believe you me, someone wants to tell you.

[Generic Brad]

1. So are trying to say tomorrow night is not good for you?

How about Saturday instead?

[Magrittes Pipe]

2. What are you doing on May 23, 2012?

For it will be on that date that Liam finally breaks down and eats Noel. And then the earth will be consumed by a cataclysmic eyebrow.

[crispini]

3. Dude, wait, what?

:crazy: Isn't it all about context? I mean, A: "Wanna go do X sometime?" B: "Sure, when?" A: "What are you doing on Sunday?" B: "Sunday's not good for me, how about Monday?"

I singularly fail to see what is wrong with that. :P

[LoZoccolo]

6. That is slightly better, but still rude.

The assent is there, sure. But it is still not A's business what B is doing on Sunday.

But the really bad one is:

A: What are you doing on Friday?
B: Uh...uh...
A: I wanna go see some lame cover band.
B: Uh, no.
A: Come on! Why don't you wanna hang out with me?

And the even worse:

A: What are you doing on Friday?
B: Going bowling with some people from work.
A: Oh, I think I'd like to go too.

[Truthiness Inspector]

4. It's not black and white though

If someone is an emotional vampire, then you already know that. But I'll ask friends, "Hey, what are you doing on Friday?" Then it'll go, "Not sure, no plans yet, you want to do something?" And so on. And my good friends do the same to me.

BUT I do know what you mean about a time-trapper.

Coordinating busy schedules is a pretty common issue, and time-trappers are equally as obvious.

[LoZoccolo]

12. I like that word, "time-trapper".

I hadn't heard it before, but it works well. As more and more people use it, more and more people will know that the behavior is unacceptable.

[REP]

5. Have No Idea How That Works

Tell me, then, what is the right wording for, "What are you doing on X? If you don't have plans, we're doing Y and if you can join us, that'd be great." or "What are you doing on X? Wanna do something?"

In the latter case, it turns out I may have to kill my fiance.

[LoZoccolo]

7. The right wording.

This:

What are you doing on X? If you don't have plans, we're doing Y and if you can join us, that'd be great.

Should be:

If you don't have plans, we're doing Y and if you would like to join us, that'd be great.

[REP]

8. I'll Keep That In Mind The Next Time I Care

[LoZoccolo]

9. You are welcome.

Feel free to come to me with any other questions about how to act, so long as it's not like every day.

[Critters2]

10. So THAT's why people hate me.

Mystery solved.


Thanks :)

[swag]

11. People ain't no good.

[unpossibles]

13. so what you're really saying is that I am not ok to just hang out with

so you won't answer until you know what I want you to do with me, and if it's lame, you'd rather not admit you have no plans and be guilted into doing something lame with someone lame?

I agree.

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. etiquette demands that the asking person disclose themselves first,

not ask the askee to disclose themselves first.

It's just simple manners - declare your intentions, then ask if they are available.

You don't send a notice out to wedding invitees asking "What are you doing September 15?" and demand that they write back, and then, if they aren't doing anything, or if you think what they're doing is lame, send them an invitation.

So why do it face to face?

Rudeness is rudeness.

Just say "I'd like to hang out with you Friday night - are you available?"

[Richardo]

14. Score one for molehills

:eyes:

[Blue-Jay]

15. ?

[liontamer]

26. I recognize the exact episode that screen shot came from

just thought I'd share. Anyway, what are you doing on saturday?

[Rabrrrrrr]

27. Looks like the one he's reciting love poetry to Lwaxana

and threatening to blow up the Ferengi who's holding her.

Is that what you're thinking?

I love that episode!

[Blue-Jay]

29. Thank you for out-geeking me.

For a moment, I thought that I had stepped across the line.

[Rabrrrrrr]

31. LOL!

No problem!

[Blue-Jay]

32. You are the Bele to my Lokai.

Um...


Fuck! I just shifted the balance of terror (dorkiness). This is my last post on the subject (and my last battlefield).

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. Ah, the skin of evil draws tighter. Soon I will be the last outpost of geekdom

and I'll have the best of both worlds!

[liontamer]

48. exactly! n/t

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. Absolutely right. The proper way is to ask "Are you available?"

And of course, etiquette demands that one not inquire as to what they are doing if they are not available - a simple yes or no is all that is required for an answer. One never needs to justify why one is not available.

"I thought of going to a movie Friday night - are you available?"

"I'd like to invite you over to dinner - are you available next Wednesday?"

I hate having to defend myself. "What are you doing tonight?" <-- bad bad bad. :spank:

[Fran Kubelik]

18. Also if you call someone and begin the conversation with:

Whats up?

I always want to respond with: YOU called ME, right?

[crispini]

30. I always think that's polite.

I read it as: "Before we get down to brass tacks i.e. the reason why I called, how are YOU?"

[GirlinContempt]

37. I ask people that, or something similar, straight off

because it gives them a chance to say "I'm just cooking dinner/running a bath/on my way out/etc" before I launch in to some story/request/etc. Also I just care :)

[Fran Kubelik]

51. oh...whoops

:blush:

I think it is because I had a friend who was infuriating about it. It was the way she said it. She would call because she was bored. So then I would be put on the spot to entertain her. Now it is a button for me.

I am sure when you do it you mean it the way you explained above. Sarah just meant: too bad if you were in the middle of something and I really do not care if this is not a good time to talk...entertain me!

[Midlodemocrat]

19. I still don't get this.

I routinely ask and get asked 'what are you doing on xyz date?' If I'm not available, that's it. If I am, I'm not insulted.

:shrug:

[GirlinContempt]

20. That's fucking ridiculous.

Just because YOU don't like it, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way.
My friends CONSTANTLY ask me what I'm doing on x day, and it doesn't bother me. Maybe people need to grow the fuck up and learn how to deal with their own issues with saying no or having friends that don't respect them instead of blaming fucking language.
What a lazy lazy idea. I care about my friends, they care about me. I have no problem telling them no, even if I'm NOT previously busy, because they respect me and I respect them enough to treat them like adults.
Get over it.

[Susang]

23. ...

:applause:

[GirlinContempt]

36. Heya susang

What're you doing tomorrow? :P

[Rabrrrrrr]

24. It's not ridiculous - it's called MANNERS. Etiquette. Hospitality.

Call it what you will, it is not ridiculous to be courteous.

Of course, if you and your friends are all totally okay with it, that's fine, as long as you only do it with each other. Small groups of people tend to make their own rules, which is fine within that system.

But in the greater world context asking someone what they're doing before proffering an invitation is discourteous.

[Name removed]

35. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. Wow - you really piled on me for stuff I didn't even say.

Well played, I guess. :shrug:

Anyway, it's still a discourteous thing to do to ask someone "What're you doing" instead of saying "I'd like to invite you to..." or "I thought we could...", etc.

As a gentleman, it's not something I would do, even with my friends. Especially, in fact, with my friends. I respect them, and try to act in a respectful way.

[GirlinContempt]

45. I was referring to both you and the OP

I don't object to someone finding it rude, I object to all the other implications of the post.

[LoZoccolo]

39. Ettiquette, in large part, is intended to avoid such conflicts.

You learn it so that you do not ask "what are you doing on _____" and have people end up hating you.

[Rabrrrrrr]

40. Spot on and well said!

It's about making life for the other person easier, not more difficult.

[crispini]

41. Exactly, and as I grow older...

I find that it's actually MORE important, not less, to have nice manners towards the people who are closest to you such as friends & family. They, after all, see the most of you, and if you're abrasive, you could really wear on them. I'm not talking now about the mock-abrasive, beating up on you for fun, but about the sort of constant venting or ragging or nagging that people so often feel free to do when they are in a relationship with someone. Sometimes people treat their SO's in ways that they would NEVER treat other people, because they feel they CAN do so... when in fact, over the long term, it just makes your SO think you're a dick.

/digression

[Rabrrrrrr]

42. You are correct - while some might think they "don't mind" rude behavior,

when they experience behavior that isn't rude, then they realize "Wow - maybe that old way that I thought was okay isn't so good, and, gosh, it actually takes no more energy to be polite than to be overly familiar, and, holy cow, it's like the friendship and my life have moved up into a higher, more fulfilling level - I feel more like a real person!"

It's a good feeling.

I'm discovering the same stuff as I grow older - politeness and manners are so important, and really do make life better for everyone.

[GirlinContempt]

46. What a load of horseshit.

Anyone that would hate me for asking that isn't someone I'd ask that anyway. Because either they'd let me know it wasn't ok, or I wouldn't ask as I didn't know them well enough in the first place.

[GirlinContempt]

47. Funny.

I think that etiquette allows us to get along with each other to the extent necessary. People I choose to extend my relationship with do so with me based on our affinity for the other. This means that sometimes there will be conflict, using manners to avoid conflict is just silly. Conflict happens because some times it has to. It's very lazy to expect everyone to behave around you in a way that allows you to never have to speak up for yourself. Manners are important, but so is communication, being able to be comfortable with your friends, and being able to say what you mean sometimes. When it matters.

[realisticphish]

21. To me

You already know if you would want to do something with person X, and you respond accordingly. If you like them, you say, "nothing, why?" because chances are, you'll want to go. If you DON'T like them, you say, "i might be doing X, why?" and then have an excuse ready, such as "oh, i already promised i'd stop at a party around that time," etc. If it turns out you want to go, you can just say that the party was going to be lame anyway, and you'd stop there for a sec on the way to meet person x, whatever.

[Gidney N Cloyd]

22. Worst case scenario: >

"Hey! What are ya doin' Saturday?":D
"umm, uhh, nuth- ":shrug:
"Great! I need help moving! Come over around 9 with your truck!":D

[Mojambo]

25. Stupid shit like this is why I'm glad I don't have a social life. n/t

[liontamer]

28. can't you just reply "not sure, why?"

I don't feel bad saying no if I think the plan is lame either. example :
"what are you doing saturday?"
"not sure,why"
"I'm thinking of going to K town for dinner? Want to go?"
"No thanks, I'm not really up for that. Have fun"

[LoZoccolo]

33. I could.

But it is still rude.

[Lex]

43. Are you sure you're directing this rant to the right people?

Or do you mean to direct this to the people who are actually doing this to you?

Talking to them directly about it might help.

[LoZoccolo]

44. Evidently, for some people, yes!

:D

[ghostsofgiants]

49. If you're so uptight that shit like this bothers you, you should know that people hate you too.

[LeftyMom]

50. So

What are you doing on Tuesday?

[Fran Kubelik]

52. Hee!

:rofl: