Question: Could this guy really be THAT nice?

[crim son]

My almost sixteen-yr-old daughter has been working at a small bookstore since last spring, full-time in the summer and part-time during school. Her boss is a very friendly guy and I've spoken to him on a few occasions when he never fails to tell me that my daughter is the most wonderful, talented, mature, magnificent employee he's ever had etc. etc. This I know! His shop is right around the corner so it's within walking distance. Most mornings the boss picks Kira up at the bus stop and drives her to school. He and his wife take her out to lunch/dinner frequently and he usually buys and brings her a lunch at work. Because the house is cold, he bought her an electric blanket. Every couple of months he gives her a "bonus" - a hundred bucks. When she's gone to Boston, he's given her spending money. For Christmas he and his wife gave her money, jewelry and a cell phone with prepaid minutes. Last Thursday she appeared at the back door carrying a huge box: it's a television w/built in DVD player, from guess who?

So he just called. He and his wife are going down to Boston and he'd like to take Kira and her best girlfriend (whose parents he's already contacted) for a birthday trip - it's Kira's birthday. Is it okay by me, he's wondering. I just don't know.

I've talked to Kira many times about his generosity and she agrees that it's amazing but that she gets no bad vibes whatsoever from him, and insists his wife is just as kind. I, personally, get no bad vibes from him. Still, this is the oddest situation. Is my little girl working for the Best Boss in the Universe, or should I be concerned?

[tk2kewl]

1. does the couple not have kids of their own?

maybe they're just trying to fill a void? :shrug:

[crim son]

8. They have an older son (thirties) and no daughter.

Your suggestion has been my assumption.

[tk2kewl]

17. I doubt it could hurt if you had a heart to heart with the guy and his wife.

Be frank. You could probably tell if he is lying.

[Arkansas Granny]

48. I agree. If they are on the up and up, they wouldn't be offended by

someone being concerned about the welfare of their child. On the other hand, if there is something shady going on it should be easily spotted. Any bad vibes - say no!

[dropkickpa]

14. That's what I immediately thought

They sound like a couple who are childless that I worked (dogsat) for when I was 14-16 and they kind of latched on to me that way. They were very cool people, just kinda lonely, and Dave told me that it was refreshing to speak to someone who is younger but surprisingly "with it" (his words, I think he meant politically). They would WAY overpay me for what I did for them, and would always bring me back neat stuff and buy me books they thought I would like, and even bought me a new pair of sneakers once when mine were a shambles (they knew my family was not well off). They tried to do/give a lot more, but I have never been good about accepting gifts or help. They moved when I was 16, but I still correspond with them, and it is a friendship that has really blossomed as I've gotten older, even though they are across the country now. I never got one iota of ick from them, and my ick-dar is REALLY sensitive.

I would probably prefer my kid to go only if her friend went, although, at 16, it would be pretty hard to pull off any ickiness with no one being the wiser.

[commander bunnypants]

2. I would say concern.

sorry, but that is alittle to nice for a employer/employee relationship

CB

[crim son]

9. Don't be sorry.

That's why I'm wondering. :)

[seemunkee]

3. Do they have kids of their own?

Maybe she is the daughter they couldn't have.

[crim son]

10. That is what I've been thinking.

It really does seem to be like that... but...

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

4. As long as she feels comfortable, I'd say it's fine.

Does he treat all his employees that way, or just your daughter?

Given that the wife is often involved, it certainly doesn't sound like he's making "advances" towards her. So I'd say, as long as your daughter isn't weirded out by it, consider yourself lucky.

[crim son]

11. There is only one employee: she's it.

To my mind, this makes it more reasonable. Also, and I didn't note this in the OP, my neighbor knows the owner and recommended my daughter to him.

[AllegroRondo]

5. Well, the wife is also involved

so that tones down the weird factor a bit. If it was *just* the boss doing this, I'd be freaked out.

But it is worth keeping an eye on.

[crim son]

12. The wife is quite involved. I've spoken with her too

and again, she appears to genuinely care about Kira and enjoys having her around. For example, at Christmas Mrs. Boss wanted to pick out toys to donate to various charities. She invited Kira to come along and help her pick them out. The package included dinner, too.

Really, really nice!

[Midlodemocrat]

6. I'd be a little weirded out.

In all honesty, I don't think I'd let her go, but I've been told (over and over :eyes: ) that I am WAY overprotective.

They might genuinely be that nice, but I don't know.

God, how cynical we have all become. :cry:

[crim son]

7. With good reason, I'm afraid.

:cry:

[rug]

13. When in doubt . . . .

http://sor.informe.org/sor/

[crim son]

15. He's not listed.

Thanks, that's a great place to check.

[skygazer]

16. Doesn't it suck that we have to worry about nice people?

But I guess we do.

I don't know - I'd feel the same way you do. It's odd. I don't know as I'd allow the trip. I'd feel bad about that but I'd feel worse if she went and something bad happened.

Is there any way you can just honestly and non-judgmentally speak about this with them? They have to understand how unusual it is for strangers to show such an interest in a kid, don't they? I mean, they sound great but my ex-husband seemed like a nice guy, too. ~sigh~

[MissMillie]

20. I was thinking the same thing

I guess the only suggestion I have for crim son is that she sit down and talk to her daughter and make sure she's comfortable w/ this couple.

[crim son]

22. I think talking with them is a good idea.

I attempted to when he called, but couldn't come up with the words so the conversation devolved into high praise for my kid. I think I'll do that.

Sorry about your ex. Some people are great until they're not, right?

[Schema Thing]

18. Sounds like they really appreciate your daughter

as a friend and employee, and you agree that they should.

Small businesses often produce friendships that are family like, from what I've seen.

I'm sure it's all quite innocent; maybe even something as innocuous as the wife having a terminal illness and they are making a choice for (and grooming) her replacement together as a family. :evilgrin:

[crim son]

23. Oh, ugh.

Although if it happened, she could support me in my old age, and comfortably!

[wildhorses]

19. he called and asked for your permission--that gives you the

opening for a discussion, in which you can voice your cares and concerns...sounds like a great conversation starter and a chance for you to get better acquainted with them as well. also the other girl's parents will have some questions, right?

:hi:

[tk2kewl]

21. That sounds like the right thing to do to me too.

:thumbsup:

[crim son]

24. I did try to "feel him out" but decided to discuss it with the STBE

first. I know for a fact that HE will have questions.

[amitten]

25. I personally wouldn't let her travel with them. First of all, no matter

how nice they are or how much they like her, it is highly unusual. And I don't think that they are using her as a surrogate daughter...the spoiling has gone beyond that.

Secondly, I think it is inappropriate for any employer/employee to have such a close relationship. Maintaining a personal distance, while remaining friendly, prevents future hurts and misunderstandings. Why can't this couple do something locally with your daughter, and INVITE HER MOTHER AS WELL...?

Third, just because the wife is involved doesn't mean something weird isn't going on. Lots of pervy men out there have wives that are complicit, or look the other way, to stay on their husband's good side. There are even women out there (terrible, but true) that allow their husbands to have sex with their own children, while just looking the other way. And pervs don't always give out a bad "vibe"...sometimes no one knows until it's too late.

And lastly, these people should understand that taking someone else's child on a trip could be a huge liability. If something happened to her, they would be responsible. Would all involved be ready to deal with that?

I think the whole thing sounds a little too good to be true. I think you'd be wise to refuse any future expensive gifts as well. When I was a child, I was taught not to accept outlandish gifts. It's best to say, "Thank you so much, but I just can't accept such a big gift. I wouldn't feel right." That's polite, won't hurt the relationship, and makes it so you never feel beholden to those that aren't close friends or family.

If you're having to ask the people on DU if this thing is kosher or not, then I think your maternal instincts are fairly screaming that it's NOT. :shrug:

[crim son]

26. Actually, it's the opposite.

I'm not terribly worried and my instinct tells me these people are okay. I'm concerned that I'm not seeing something, though, and so I appreciate your comments.

[amitten]

27. The reason you're asking is that you know you're instincts are

not matching up with the facts.

These people are behaving in an unusual manner, by most anyone's standards. Now their intentions might be entirely good. That doesn't mean that they aren't paving the way for future misunderstandings and a relationship your daughter may not actually want.

At the very least (best case scenario) they are behaving like they are her grandparents. If you want them to assume that role, fine, that's your choice. But you need to realize that you are sending them a message that it's okay for them to have a very close relationship with your daughter.

If you don't want them to have that, you need to nip it in the bud.

[Shell Beau]

28. Maybe they feel like she is the daughter they never had.

Still, I would probably be a little worried also. Seems kinda weird.

[yy4me]

29. When my children were growing up, they accused me of being

overprotective. They now have kids of their own and have told me many times that I was right and that they are now glad that I kept them on a fairly short leash. Kids need to have some freedoms and learn to develop their own way but it is our duty to protect them from things that seem to be outside the norm. Somewhere along here, I would begin to put my foot down. I would not be comfortable. In this very strange world in which we live now, I'd rather err on the side of caution.

[amitten]

30. I agree. I keep thinking back to one of my high-school friends.

She was always getting nice little gifts from her grandpa. Big deal...I figure, he's just an extra-nice grandpa.

For graduation, he gave her a real diamond tennis bracelet worth several thousand dollars (it was huge). She didn't seem all that excited.

I learned years later that he'd been forcing her to give him blow jobs since she was seven years old.

Nice, huh? I've just found in life that grown men rarely (if ever) give opulent gifts to young women without an ulterior motive of some sort.

[Karenca]

31. No way would I allow my 16 year old daughter to go out of state with 2 adults

who are not related, OR not the parents of my children's friends.


I am a protective mother - the word "OVERprotective" is often misused - if you have questions about a situation involving your child, whether it entails that you are receiving 'creepy feelings",
or
you feel like you "should" be getting those feelings
ought to be enough warning trigger for you to err on the side of caution.

[Phillycat]

33. I agree - I would not allow the trip.

There is something creepy about this, and just because the wife is involved doesn't mean something weird might not still be going on.

[Karenca]

34. The more I read the OP,

the creepier the whole thing began to feel to me.

[amitten]

35. I don't like the picking up at the bus stop part. Just seems very

above-and-beyond nice. This man is going out of his way every day for the pleasure of spending a few minutes alone in the car with this young girl...? :shrug:

And he already sees plenty of her at work. I don't know...

On edit: Also the cell phone. I wonder if he ever calls her on that phone? Then the parents wouldn't know.

[Karenca]

38. Yes, the car ride - but what bothers me most is all the money gifts:

When she went to Boston -- he gave her money -

Christmas -- Besides gifts, he gives her money-

Every few months - he gives her more money - $100.00-

I don't like the sound of that at all - I would take it as a bright red warning signal.

[amitten]

39. And the jewelry. Jewelry is quite a personal gift, IMHO.

I've only ever received it from people I'm very close to.

Even my own family rarely gives me such gifts, and we're very close.

I think the whole thing is worrisome, but I don't have kids so what do I know.

[Karenca]

41. Yes, I have to agree - though by 'jewelry", the OP may mean something

something inexpensive and casual, such as costume beads or plastic bangles.

On the other hand, a gift of fine jewelry is something very personal and seems like an inappropriate gift - to me, anyway.

[crim son]

37. Kira would not be going alone, but would be bringing a friend of hers.

My feelings are mixed.

[Karenca]

32. crim son, I hope my post didn't sound harsh.

I still wouldn't allow my daughter to go though. :hug:

[crim son]

42. No, not harsh, just harsher than I had considered the situation to warrant.

No matter; it's good to hear what you all think, seriously, and I will talk it over with the STBE. :hi:

[Sequoia]

36. Sounds a bit overboard to me.

I'd be suspicious if any boss of my daughter's acted that way. All those gifts....?? Is she very pretty? Do they tell her she should be "in the movies", are they mega chruch goers? How old are they? What's their background?

I'd be on guard. There's something to be concerned about when there's so many gifts bestowed on a person. Call me paranoid, but perhaps you should ask them why all the interest.


you said: "he never fails to tell me that my daughter is the most wonderful, talented, mature, magnificent employee he's ever had etc. etc."

and then there's this one:

"Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life."


Be be aware crim son, we love you!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

40. How well do you know your daughter's boss and his wife?

Not knowing them, I'd be wary. Have you checked local predator lists? I would, no matter how nice they might seem.

Then again, based on what you've posted about your current situation, it's possible that they are pretty well-to-do and want to help a nice kid who works hard and doesn't have the easiest life.

Sorry I'm no help on this one. You know the picture much better than I could...

[datasuspect]

43. it's entirely inappropriate

i wouldn't have let my child receive those gifts, they would have went back and the kid wouldn't work for those people.

unless they are relatives or close friends of the family, there is no context for their behavior.

[Zywiec]

44. I wouldn't allow my almost-16 year old daughter to go.

I give her a lot of freedom to do things with her friends, but not with adults. Just seems weird.

[ScreamingMeemie]

45. I would tell them exactly what you have told us...that you're concerned.

And see what happens. Moms are pretty good judges of what's going on, and your daughter has been open about the gifts, dinners and what not...which is a good thing.

I would have a sit down with the couple and see what you come away with.

[skypilot]

46. The thing that kinda sticks out for me...

...in your post is the "birthday trip" thing. I mean, the rest of it sounds like a bit much also but wanting to take your daughter out of town on her birthday just rubs me wrong. Maybe if they'd invited you as well I might feel different. You are her mother and this is her sixteenth birthday. I know that some people make kind of a big deal about a girl's sixteenth birthday. Seems to me that they'd want to included the parents in the celebration. This is a tough call for me but I feel uncomfortable with what you've described.

[jakefrep]

47. Have you discussed this with the parents of your daughter's friend?

More than likely, they're having similar thoughts and concerns.

I see no harm in talking to the boss. If you're friendly enough, maybe he'll invite you along.