A question for the 50+ DUers on getting old /rant

[hyphenate]

In 36 days, I will be 51. Now I know of a lot of DUers over 50 who say it's wonderful, great, and all that fun stuff, but I'm going through a bit of hell. I feel, at my age, that I should have accomplished something more than I have, and that at no time in my past have I ever felt I've done what I could have done, and that in many ways my life has been nothing but a big waste of time.

Granted, my health is not great and I've been getting progressively worse in that department, but even when everything was hunky-dory, I don't think that I'd acquired any real satisfaction with how things have gone. So I guess this is like a "midlife" crisis, only it seems more like a "2/3life" crisis or a "3/4life" crisis and that there really isn't enough time (or energy) for me to change things very much.

HOW does one get to the point of being satisfied with their place in life, even when there isn't much cause to be satisfied? No children to brag about, no husband(s) to rant about, nothing awe-inspiring to be proud of, and nothing really much that made any real difference to a waiting world.

Perhaps someone will hand me the line about George Bailey, or about the people who might have, at one time or another, benefited from a kind word or whatever, but certainly I don't feel like I've done anything that anybody else couldn't have done. And while I might have had a great idea or two in my lifetime, I am reconciled to the fact that I have had nothing but a mediocre life, and that there isn't much energy or strength in me to change that in this lifetime.

One of my problems is that I know I COULD have done better: with a high IQ and an ability to learn fast, there were times that I could have excelled in a wide variety of ways, but I was lazy and took the easy way out. And now, looking back, it appears that if you take the easy way out too many times, you end up with nothing to show for it, and little to hold you over through your end days.

Anyhow, I'm just kind of frustrated at this point, and looking in the mirror the tired cliche of "not getting any younger" keeps coming into my mind, and a constant nagging that the best years are not only behind me, but lost in the eternal mists of time.

I hope I'm not depressing anyone else--I just am feeling way too ancient, and not having enough wisdom or accomplishment is only making me feel older.

[graywarrior]

1. Dude. . .I feel your pain.

I know what you're saying.

[RevCheesehead]

2. I think there's a lot of wisdom in your post.

I don't think our lives should be judged on what we've accomplished, how often we've been partnered or reproduced, or how much (or little) money we make. Those are superficial milestones. The real measure is found in what makes you who you are, and how you've connected to the world around you.

About the difference you've made in others' lives:
Sure, someone else probably could do what you did. But the important thing is that you took the time to show compassion to another human being. That doesn't happen without listening and paying attention.

About being satisfied with your own life:
I guess I just adapted the attitude that I did what I thought was best at the time, and if others have a problem with it, too bad. It really comes down to not looking for some external validation, and learning to know, accept, and love yourself.

In my down days, I often think of things that I don't have, and ways my life doesn't measure up. I let the tears come, and usually feel better after a good night's sleep. And, of course, my faith plays a huge part in how I understand my place in the world.

I wish you an early Happy Birthday, and hope that it turns out to be much better than you anticipate. :hug:

[AngryOldDem]

23. Can I print out your post and keep it in my wallet?

There is A LOT of wisdom there, Rev. I think a lot of us needed to read that. Thanks for posting it.

[RevCheesehead]

32. Be my guest.

And, many thanks. :)
:hi:

[Poiuyt]

3. Have you ever done any volunteer work?

If so then your life hasn't been wasted. My grandfather said that we were put on earth to make it a better place for others. That philosophy keeps me going.

There aren't too many Beethovens or Jonas Salks in the world. Not many of us are going to make a lasting impression like that. We tend to wallow in mediocrity. But it certainly isn't too late to start making positive contributions to your community. It doesn't have to be awe-inspiring to be positive.

Look at it this way...you could be contributing to the world in the same way that George Bush is doing.

[Gormy Cuss]

4. I can't help you out except to say that such crises are normal.

I've had them, may have them again. The first one I had was the year I turned 25 -- hardly a "mid-life crisis."

[idgiehkt]

5. I'm in my late thirties

so officially too young to comment but one thing you said touched a chord with me and that is what you said about 'taking the easy way out too many times'. I did a part of my astrological chart a few years back and it has to do with the orbit of the planets like Saturn, Neptune and Uranus and actually I had had emotional crises or tough spots that had coincided with each one of these and I had actually done the right thing at each of these intervals, which really surprised me because I had never looked at it that way. I can't understate the new perspective it gave me on my life. Because I had difficult decisions to make at each juncture and each time I found the emotional courage to take the 'road less traveled' so too speak. It made me appreciate the amount of emotional courage that I do have...I'd always beaten up on myself for not being physically courageous enough and this gave me a different view of courage. I can't remember the official name of this kind of charting but I'm sure a professional astrologer would, if you are into that kind of thing...because those things are in my view what life is about, not the outward and superficial things.

[Wapsie B]

6. I am still trying to find my place in life.

A lot of use could have done better. But for me, I never really knew where the right place for me was. I'm still searching for that.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

7. I'll be 52 in a little over 2 months

I've come to the decision that in 18 more years I'll settle down and grow up a bit.

But until then I refuse to consider it. :shrug:

[doc03]

8. I have had the same thoughts myself.

I will be 59 in a couple weeks and the same thoughts just seemed to have occurred to me in the last year or so. I think what brought it on was being treated for a very rare eye cancer in 2005, although the symptoms and treatment for that cancer are not serious at all the chances of it metastasizing to the liver in the next couple years are fairly heavy. I haven't been married and have no children. When I was 34 in 1982 my dad came down with cancer and was in and out of the hospital until his death in 1989 and since then I have been taking care of my mother. My mother does live on her own but it seems like every time I get a couple days off work she always needs something and the time off rushes by and I am back at work again. I have two brothers one is a drunk and the other had drinking and drug problems himself but has straightened out the last couple years so everything has been dumped on me. The other day I visited an old friends house and he has all the pictures of kids and grandchildren and walls covered with trophy deer and fish and I think of all I have missed by trying to do the right thing.

[ElboRuum]

9. Not everyone was meant to set the world on fire...

...although it is common in our overachieving society to think that unless you are solving all the worlds problems and jumping out of airplanes with nothing but a few ropes and a piece of canvas to slow your fall you aren't living up to your potential.

There is a great deal of wisdom in your post, and somewhere along the line being 'older' became a grave sin and cause for derision, meaning that probably no one will hear what wisdom is there.

Look, it's a struggle in this life just to find things to do that make you happy, much less try to attach some cosmic meaning to what you do actually decide to occupy your time with. Sure you COULD have done better, but why didn't you? You were lazy and took the easy way out? I don't buy it because I am under the firm belief that not everything in life should be about banging your head against walls just to get a little value added.

If I had to guess, though, I'd say you aren't happy. But take heart, this can be changed because I believe that that unhappiness stems from the aforementioned looking in the mirror and saying "not getting any younger". We're all pretty brainwashed into taking a daily inventory of our lives, looking in the mirror at time marching roughshod across our features, all while presumable judging ourselves by the values of a society which deifies youth.

Youth isn't God. Age isn't the Devil. And not everyone was meant to shake and shape the world. What you see in the mirror isn't a bad thing even if you've been trained to believe it is from years and years of careful societal indoctrination. Start with that change in attitude, then move on from there.

[grasswire]

10. Is it too late?

I think even someone far older than you and in worse health can still make an impression on the world. Ways that come to mind:

Put beauty in the path of a beholder. Even a pot of flowers on a porch can cheer someone every day. Beautiful music, beautiful color, beautiful garden.....

Give a word of unexpected and/or unmerited cheer to everyone you encounter. And go out of your way to send greeting cards, make phone calls, and write letters.

Help someone just a little bit. A child, perhaps, could delight in a book. An elementary classroom could soar with a package of art supplies. A clerk who regularly serves you could feel pride if you gave him/her a very small token of appreciation.

Cheer for someone. Be a member of the boosters of a local high school baseball team. Go to hear elementary school band concerts, and applaud. Be a supportive fan of someone who is striving to excel, and their success will be part of you.

Share a hobby. Fishing? Jigsaw puzzles? Collecting? Flea marketing? Get someone else excited about it, too. Share your knowledge.

There's still SO MUCH you can do. If it is true that the purpose of life is to make the world a better place than you found it, then these small acts can make you significantly successful, indeed.

[neweurope]

28. Thanks, grasswire, I needed that.

I'm in the same position as the op... You made me think.
:hug:

----------------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[KitchenWitch]

11. I will be 43 in a couple of weeks and still do not know what I want to be when

I become an adult.

Having many choices in life can be both a blessing and a curse. I did default my way through a lot of them, and am where I am now because of that.

:shrug:

[CanuckAmok]

12. I'll be 40 in July....

Before you dismiss 40 as "not 50", let me say that I truly believe my best years are behind me. I've wasted my life to this point, and after losing my life's savings in my divorce, I don't feel inclined to try doing anything.

What I feel is that I'm just winding down the clock.

It's sort of funny, because I have always had strong role-models in my life, telling me to not waste the precious time I have, and it's exactly what I've done.

[fortyfeetunder]

13. My GAS tank is on full of bull

GAS -- Give a $hi+

So I'll be a half-century old very soon, before the month is over. It's my parents who should be feeling old, after all they'll have a kid old enough to join AARP!

[dEMOK]

14. The courage of you're honesty proves your worth...

...The fact that you have evolved to the point where you can expose your life (bare before strangers) says that although you still have higher aspirations (which you may still accomplish) -- you're life is already a gift to the human family.

I'm certain that if I were a part of your immediate family, I would personally know the gift of your generous heart (which is so evident in your OP).

Only the wise admit what they don't know ( this I know ;) )

One of my favorite thoughts (I'm a writer), "Understanding... it doesn't matter when we get it -- it matters that we get it."

Peace
(I'm a 55 year old child prodigy you've never heard of {yet ;)})

[Maineiac]

15. Don't think of 50 as the end

but a chance to start fresh. Get out there and do the things you wish you had but didn't.

[DainBramaged]

16. I'm 56 and it just sucks

I have health issues. My friends can't find decent jobs because they are too old, no matter how qualified they are. Cheap, stupid and young is the cattle call in industry. I'm not happy with where I am either, Had a GREAT paying job in 2001 as a Sales Engineer for a design and fabrication shop that lost all it's contracts after 9/11 out of fear by manufacturers, and it has been hard ever since, I work in the auto industry as a Systems Administrator, but Indian run firms keep trying to take away my job by offering cheap "temporary" green card labor.

I wish I'd have invested in Microsoft in 1996.

We'll get by, unfortunately. I wish for the both of us things had turned out better. The only bright spot in my life is a wonderful daughter, a dream child. I just hope she is smart enough to see the future as I lived it.

Be well

[Maineiac]

18. I feel your pain

I'm in IT as well. Young and stupid is in. Those of us that can and have done it are tossed aside like yesterday's paper. That's OK. I contract on the side and when those fresh, young bucks totally screw things up, I charge twice my salary on an hourly basis to straighten it out. Unfortunately, there is not enough work around to make a living at contracting so I'm underemployed right now and take up the slack with contract work. When was the last time you called anyone's tech support and got someone who spoke english as a first language. The laughable part is they give them Americanized names like Joe or Ralph.

[DainBramaged]

26. You bet, Indian tech support

How Dick and Jaynne learned to read from the masster book.


They R technnicks now.


Be well

[Esra Star]

17. I think everyone should investigate the opportunities that are

available. I did a course/seminar years ago called "The Forum".
Today it is called Landmark Education.
All I can say is it is worth investigating.
Seriously.

http://www.landmarkeducation.com/

[musette_sf]

36. i did a course back in the 70s

called "est".

known these days as "The Forum".

http://skepdic.com/landmark.html

http://www.rickross.com/groups/landmark.html

speaking from experience, it's a lot of Amway without the Jesus or the soap.

to the original poster, if you are seeking an authoritarian approach on examining your thought processes, then Landmark will fill the bill. if you (like me) view such an examination as more of an intimate, personal journey, then Landmark is not for you.

to esra, i'm glad it worked for you, but having done the est training twice, and also various of the seminars, i know this is not my cup of tea. my fatal flaw was my lack of "guests". (total # = 0) something about that intimate, personal journey thing, that i thought people needed to feel for themselves to want to start the inward trek, not because i "invited" them to be my "guest" at what amounted to a high pressure sales pitch.

[Esra Star]

39. It is unfortunate that you felt like it was a high pressure sales thing.

I really don't know about this "guest" deal.
I did the forum in Sydney in 1985 and have been recommending it
ever since. My hit rate is very low. I think zero.
Anyway I thought the OP was lost somewhere on Desolation Boulevard
and even investigating this option would be a good move.
Thank you for your input.

[musette_sf]

40. perhaps there are laws in Australia

that prevent the ultra-high-pressure sales pitch.

because in the US, that is all that est, The Forum, Landmark, and "Werner Erhard" have ever been all about.

[RebelOne]

19. Well, I am 68 years old, and yes, aging definitely sucks.

But it is a hell of a lot better than the alternative, which is death. I'm not complaining about my accomplishments in life because I have done most of the things that I always wanted to do.

[Rex_Goodheart]

20. Are you male or female?

When my wife hit age 51 she left me... after 29 years of marriage.

Men and women age differently. I think a certain number of women go through dramatic personality changes when they hit menopause. We as older men become victims.

My advice to you if you're male, married, and want your marriage to last: state explicitly to your wife over and over again that you appreciate her and are working actively to keep your marriage fresh. Otherwise who knows what surprises are in store for you.

As for the rest of your concerns... what point does it serve to dwell on your past? Live for now. Relax. Have fun. If I can do it, considering the body slam I just went through, you can, too.

[zanne]

21. Wow--you're really depressed.

Really. It does sound like a life crisis, but holy crap; you're 50, not 90! I think that you're depressed because I went through the same thing. I got help and now I feef alot better. This problem needs a little perspective. I just hate that you have to feel this way. By the way, I'll be 55 in a couple of weeks. I don't know much, but I know this; when you're 70, you'll feel badly that you wasted time being depressed at 50. I don't mean to be harsh, but things aren't as bad as you think. Good vibes.

[GalleryGod]

22. Not depressing me in the least....

But at 57 I'm in the dream job I worked my ass off for 20 years to get to.

To wit: Teaching 180 students per semester at a Small,Elite,
Catholic, Liberal Arts College:think:

Having said that...I think one can change one's life whenever they want and, Oh, BTW:


The CHICKS RULE !

[LaurenG]

24. Life really is what you make it

I think I started to become more thankful and I realized that I was a pretty good person and had people around who loved me and whom I loved.

What do you think you missed out on anyway?

I just do what I love now. I still have a job that I'm not that fond of but I make up for it by doing things that I love when not at work.
I include people in my life who want to be included. I have hobbies that are fascinating. I love hiking and reading and playing (or sitting around) outside and I do some of that everyday.

Just try to slow down and enjoy what you have that is good and at the same time keep learning and start doing things that are fun.

Make the most out of what you do have and try to remember that you've probably made a difference just by being here. I run into people frequently who tell me things I've said or done in the past and that I did make a difference in their lives.

Keep your chin up imo you're just getting started.

:hi:

[raccoon]

25. A lot of things you said I can really identify with.

"I feel, at my age, that I should have accomplished something more than I have"

I felt that way at 50. I'm in my mid-50's now. I don't feel that way any more. I guess I've just accepted it.

"No children to brag about, no husband(s) to rant about"

Same here. But wouldn't you rather be single than in a bad marriage? A friend of mine is in a miserable marriage, and would love to get out of it, but feels she couldn't make it financially if she did. They make it, but aren't well off. I bet if we knew how many couples stayed together because of finances (again, I'm not talking about wealth), we'd be amazed.

"I am reconciled to the fact that I have had nothing but a mediocre life"

In our society "mediocre" has a bad connotation; worse than "average" I think. But we can't all be above average.

"One of my problems is that I know I COULD have done better: with a high IQ and an ability to learn fast, there were times that I could have excelled in a wide variety of ways, but I was lazy and took the easy way out. "

I could've written those words! One of my siblings said to me, "I think you could have been a nuclear physicist." What am I now? An underemployed lab manager.

But happily underemployed, I might add. As the job market continues to deteriorate, as the number good and/or meaningful jobs continues to diminish, we Americans need to learn to get our fulfillment from somewhere other than our work.

I regret that my education was so poor, and that, like you, I took the easy way out. But nowadays I am studying science (on my own), and learning SPOKEN Spanish, which I've always wanted to do but never until the last few years had the opportunity to practice.

I'm happier than I've been most of my life. Now having said that, I believe that much of my life I was depressed. If you haven't been evaluated for depression, you might consider it.

There have been some kick-butt responses here. Hang in there!

[Arugula Latte]

27. I wonder if you could just take a baby step ...

Maybe do a good deed for someone ... You can think: "Well, if nothing else, I helped do X." Then maybe do another one. It could add up. Write down all the little things you do -- even things like recycling. Over the years you can see how they add up.

I know it's hard ... I think a lot of people go through what you are going through. When we're young it seems like life is an unlimited buffet, and as we age we see our leftovers congealing on our plate. However, there is more food left at the buffet! Go get some!

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

29. Hey, stop telling my story!

:), sort of. The thing is , to move forward from here, this moment, NOW! Besides, what is of real value in this life anyhow except our relationships with other people? All the material goods, money, prestige, status etc are but ephemera..........

[hyphenate]

30. I want to thank everyone who has

responded to my posting. Normally, I would respond to everyone individually, but today has not been a really good day for me to sit and answer everyone--I spent a good portion of the day asleep from the constant fatigue I feel. I hope it gets better, but a day gets really shot when I don't have energy to do anything.

I love some of the ideas and suggestions, and I will cherish each and every one with a great deal of interest. I am glad I'm not alone--I sometimes have the feeling that I live in a very isolated world. While I have had anxiety for awhile on the subject, it has only grown into a monster since my best friend died in 2003 after a long illness. She was only 57. She always kept the "better than the alternative" quote handy when I grumbled, even though her life was a complete hell for the past 5 years of her life. I think of her often when I think of life vs. death, and in a lot of ways, her ghost haunts me and keeps pestering me to do the right thing.

On the other hand, my ex-friend, the fundie, has completely gone over the bend with her unwavering fanaticism for all things fundie, and to preserve my own sanity, I had to get that element out of my life, especially when she began to do things which were counter-productive to everything she had represented up to that point. At 57 herself, she took everything which was good and loving and tossed it all away to believe in the most extreme form of religious belief, but more importantly, she had used me for nearly a year after her mother died, and then completely ignored me when she discovered "love" online--it's difficult to maintain a friendship when your best friend lies to you constantly and treats you with derision at every turn.

Regardless, I just wanted to let people know that I hadn't forgotten this thread, but hadn't gotten around to answering it until now. Thanks!

[NV Whino]

31. Getting old sucks

big time.

[MistressOverdone]

33. NOBODY get over 50

without some regrets. List the positives, reflect on the possibilities and make some goals that are within your physical, mental and financial means. Things thats matter.

About the physical stuff, I have found glucosimine really helpful with the aches and pains in the joints and I try and swim every day to stay loose.

Sometimes life seems calmer to me now that I'm older, but then I find I have lost the capacity for chaos I used to have. So it is a wash, I guess.

Bottom line: I HEAR YOU.

[Auggie]

34. I hear you completely,

Though many people have accomplished great things in their 50's. Perhaps we will too.

[onecent]

35. Gettin' Old ain't for Sissies (My mother use to always say that)...and

now that I'll be 62 in May I can definitely relate.

I, too, don't feel I've done anything. But I wouldn't know who to compare my life to.

Angelina? GW? Jackie? Paris?
Mother Theresa? Diana? Bill Clinton?

The billions and billions of people...who never get even 15 minutes of fame.....I'm in that bunch....

Going through a phase presently wondering what's on the other side.
Preoccupied with trying to remember some of my earliest significant hurdles...

Wondering if I'll see my children again (in any form)...my husband, my mother,..... best friend, worst boss, animals in my life?

So much mystery. So little time to investigate.

Think I'll just stay on DU. LOL

[Xipe Totec]

37. Believe

Artist: Franka Potente
Song: Believe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAGBndvUhZA

I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left
but running here again

I don't believe in promise
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can resist
the things that make no sense

I don't believe in silence
cos silence seems so slow
I don't believe in energy
the tension is too low

I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
so don't waste any tears

I don't believe reality would be
the way it should
But I believe in fantasy
the future's understood

I don't believe in history
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe that's destiny
or someone to accuse

I believe, I believe!!!

I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left
but running here again

I don't believe in promise
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can resist
the things that make no sense

I don't believe in silence
cos silence seems so slow
I don't believe in energy
the tension is too low

I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
so don't waste any tears

I believe!!!

I want you to try, try
to needing to know why, why
No kidding, no sin, sin
No running, no win, win
I believe!!!

No angels, no girls, girls
No memories, no Gods, Gods
No rockets, no heat, heat
No chocolate, no sweet, sweet
I believe!!!

I want you to try, try
to needing to know why, why
No kidding, no sin, sin
No running, no win, win
No angels, no girls, girls
No memories, no Gods, Gods
No rockets, no heat, heat
No chocolate, no sweet, sweet

No feeling, no secrets...
The silence you feel...
which hides you from
the real...
I want you to try, try
needing to know why, why

I believe, I believe!!!

[Breeze54]

38. "I'd rather be over the hill than under it."

"Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied many!"
-- Anonymous

Stories like the one below keep me going.
I read about a 90 yr. old woman who is still working, the other day!
Compared to them? You and I are babies! :P


Father, son to graduate college together in May

Thursday, March 22, 2007 — Time: 8:52:52 PM EST

By CHERYL R. CLARKE

http://www.sungazette.com/lifestyles/education/articles.asp?articleID=16031

MANSFIELD —

Paul Otruba was once a student of Richard F. Mason, an astronomy professor at the university
here in the 1970s; now he’s studying journalism under Mason’s son, Dan, at the same university.



Paul, 58, was a student of Richard Mason when he was in his mid-20s, Dan Mason said, but had
to quit school twice to support his family.

In May, Paul will finally graduate from college with a bachelor’s degree in liberal studies
and a minor in environmental studies, one step ahead in line of his 22-year-old son, Victor.

Victor studied filmmaking at Pittsburgh University for two years before transferring to Mansfield.

Paul needed 33 additional credits to graduate, and has worked part-time to complete them
over the last 30-plus years.

Paul is taking Dan’s magazine production class as part of his class load. There are nine students
in the class, Dan said, and Paul is the oldest.

-------------------

NYC's oldest bartender still going strong at 90

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14462796/

-----------------------------

Want to feel a little younger?? :) Go here! http://www.eons.com

:P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives."
--Maurice Chevalier

"You're only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse."
-- Anonymous

"I'd rather be over the hill than under it."
-- Anonymous

"Old age ain't no place for sissies."
--Bette Davis

"Please understand that no matter how old I get, I will always be a kid at heart!"
-- Anonymous

"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty."
--Henry Ford

"Anyone who is too old to learn was probably always too old to learn."
-- Anonymous

[MikeH]

41. I am struggling with some of the same things

I am now 56, and while I am in good health (I run/jog, and I hike, often with the Sierra Club, and hope to stay in good health for many years), had a very good job for a number of years from the mid '80's through most of the '90's, and did a number of things I had long wanted to do during that time, I am currently struggling with feelings that I have missed out on a few things.

In particular, I am feeling that in a highly competitive world, I have not become one of the especially "successful" people, money wise or materially. This is true even though I was very good at mathematics when I was in school, and was known as one of the math brains. I sometimes liked to fancy that I might become another Einstein, but that did not come close to happening; however that in itself is OK.

I am currently looking for a job, and I am dealing with my age, and with the fact that many jobs, especially in the computer field, require some specific knowledge and skills which are in many cases different than the knowledge and skills I have and have used in the past.

For me my biggest area of regret, and feeling that I missed the boat, is that due to some serious personal issues I had when I was young, as well as some general circumstances, and some of my own choices (which I do not necessarily regret), I have not had any serious relationship with a woman, and have not come close to getting married.

It is possible that something might still work out, and I don't want to completely give up. I would like to have a relationship with a woman if I do find one who is right for me. However I would also like to be able to accept it if, for whatever reason or reasons, it just isn't to be.

I am realizing that presently I am not bad off, and am happy with a lot of things that have happened and that I have done and enjoyed in my life, and with having worked through most of the personal issues I had when I was young. However I have some anxiety about the future, with my present job situation, wondering if I am ever going to be involved in a serious relationship with a woman (though I do enjoy the advantages of being single), and also with things as they are under the * misadminstration.

It was the morning of my 50th birthday, December 13, 2000, that I woke up to the news that * was the one who was going to be the pResident. I would later learn that this was much worse than it seemed to me at the time.

And throughout most of 2000 I had been doing some work for a startup company which we had hoped would become a full-fledged company, but the company did not make it. I have been doing consulting work much of the time since then.

So it has been a weird time both for me personally, and for the country and the world, since the day I turned 50.

[Redstone]

42. You are who you are. What has happened, has happened. Thinking about it too much

will just give you a headache.

Sorry, but that's all I have.

Redstone