Unwanted advice: Hate it? Love it? How do you handle it?

[CBHagman]

It's happened again. I've received an unsolicited one-sentence suggestion for how to handle a rather complex problem. I know the person in question means well, but I've reached the point where my first reaction is to feel despair and annoyance, not gratitude or relief.

In fact, I have to struggle to recall incidents where unsolicited advice resulted in a solution to a problem.

As for the advice I just received, I did turn it over in my mind and mulled over whether it provide a practical solution in my case or not. At the moment I suspect "Not" is the answer, but the jury's still out.

Advice on handling advice is...tearfully solicited. :-(

[Kali]

1. sometimes it is the only way people know how to reach out

offering advice is seen as a way to help. Sometimes what is needed is just an ear but the need to "solve" problems is strong.

On the other hand, sometimes people are just assholes trying to show thier superiority.

Good luck.

[CBHagman]

4. You're right about the need to "solve" problems.

A one-sentence piece of advice ("Why don't you ____" or "You should ____") seems to be the way many people handle the mention of a problem. I realize it's a way of handling the situation and trying to be helpful, but it also strikes me as a conversation-ender that frees people up from having to ask questions, listen, or give genuine support.

I tend to have a delayed reaction regarding these bits of advice. They really do damage in a lot of cases to the relationship. For example, when I mentioned to a then-friend that I would prefer not to receive advice, she took umbrage at the mere expression of a preference.

What seems to be another aspect of this is the mania for simple solutions, i.e., if you do X then Y will follow.

[InvisibleTouch]

2. I allow ONE instance of unsolicited advice per person per topic.

One time can be considered thoughtful, and is usually okay with me. More than that is nagging, judgmental, or worse, and I tell them to mind their own business.

I try to hold myself to that same rule, too, no matter how strongly I might think I have the answer to the other person's problem. It's okay to say it once - then it's up to them to take it or leave it.

[fizzgig]

3. it depends on the advice and who is giving it

if it is from someone i know and it upsets me, i try to politely tell people that i appreciate their concern but will ask for advice when i need it. if it is honestly given out of kindness or concern, i will thank them for it and let them know i will think about it.

if it's from some random person i barely know who might be happening to be listening in on a conversation, i tend to tell them to piss off and mind their own business.

[Maineiac]

5. You did the right thing

to not immediately dismiss what the person said. Regardless of the source, at least mull it over a bit. I know of a few people who constantly do that. I listen intently, file it away for future reference, and when I get a chance, think it over and decide if it's got any value.

[NC_Nurse]

6. Take what you like and leave the rest.

A handy saying I use often.

[trof]

7. My uncle had a saying, "Unasked for advice is seldom welcome."

And I think that's generally true.

[CBHagman]

8. Sounds like a wise man.

By the way, I Googled the term "unwanted advice," and noticed that most of what came up dealt with issues of pregnancy and parenting! It sounds as though people just can't shut up when it comes to that department...

[trof]

14. never, Never, NEVER, offer advice to your child on how to raise her child.

Not until or unless she gets you into a hammer lock and throws you down and sits on your chest and says "NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!"

[datasuspect]

9. "it's not what you say, it's how you say it."

there is much to be said for tact.

[spooky3]

10. sometimes it helps to confide only in certain persons

Some people just aren't able to be sensitive enough to what you need, which may be just a sympathetic ear.

But when people start a conversation with you about a chronic situation they know about (illness, having trouble selling a house, a divorce, a problem child, etc.) this won't help. When I was in a situation like this I tried hard to change the topic by asking the person something I knew about them. I was amazed at how bad some of the unsolicited advice was, which I attributed to their never having been in the situation I was in and having trouble putting themselves in that situation.

[CBHagman]

11. My current situation: advisers who haven't been in same boat.

I've noticed a lot of the people who give me advice simply haven't dealt with the situation I'm currently in.

Your suggestion about changing the topic is a good one. I would also like to find a polite way to deal with the unsolicited advice -- that and getting real support, whatever the hell that is.

[spooky3]

17. You can change the topic politely, such as saying

"Thanks, I appreciate it. But let's talk about something more pleasant! How is your job going? (How are your classes? Are you planning a trip any time soon? etc.)"

In my life (maybe it is just me) I have found very few people CAN be really supportive if the situation isn't something they have successfully dealt with. And if it is complex and difficult it may be that your family and friends just don't have the time to take it all in and unselfishly listen. Some may toss out simple advice quickly just to shorten the time. If you are having a serious ongoing problem, IMHO is VERY much worth paying a GOOD counselor/psychologist to help you talk it through. You are paying him/her to listen to you with YOUR (not their) best interests in mind. That means if you need them to listen and offer support (and help you find a path out if that is possible and desired), that is what they will do. There are many other advantages, including that because the relationship is temporary and not social, you never have to worry about the fact that they may share your confidential info with others or at an embarrassing time. The key of course is getting a really good counselor. I once had to do this and the first person I went to was awful but the second was really really helpful.

On edit: another key advantage is that if you can get a good counselor, you need less from friends/family and are less likely to get upset, disappointed, hurt, etc., by their not providing what you need.

[Darth_Kitten]

12. Challenge them a bit....

"Really.....WHY do you say that?"

or

Why would you even suggest such a thing?

[Skittles]

13. tell them to fuck off

that's what I do

[CBHagman]

15. Efficient, but. I want to keep what's left of my teeth!

:shrug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

16. I'd ignore it.

What does it matter?

It's one sentence, which could not take more than fifteen seconds of your time.

It's up to you to decide how you're going to process that information.

You have the power and they are only providing input to you.


The real question is why you are annoyed? Are you distracted? Is this person with good intentions really insulting you? Is the advice always redundant? If so, you could easily deal with those issues instead of the fact that someone dared to communicate with you. (i.e. "I knew that, thanks." or "Thanks, but I really need to focus right now" or "Thanks, I'll ask (real supervisor).")

I see that you're really annoyed, but I don't understand why you are taking advice so personally. People should communicate in the workplace. I'd rather have someone share their better idea than follow through with lesser one.

[CBHagman]

19. The advice feels condescending and pat.

By way of clarification, I'm speaking strictly of personal relationships (friends, relatives), not workplace issues.

The reason that the advice bothered me so much is that I was already terribly upset and the solution my friend suggested sounded as though it would both exacerbate my pain and not provide a practical resolution.

[BarenakedLady]

18. Funny you should mention this

My mother is visiting this weekend.

:eyes:

I bite my tongue is what I do.

[SacredCow]

20. I suppose it depends on who gives you the advice....

When I feel they do mean well I will thank them for their concern and consider their advice. Then I change the subject.

[JitterbugPerfume]

21. take it with a grain of salt

and then throw away the shaker:silly: :wtf:

I NEVER give unsolicited advice , especially to my sister who needs to get rid of the Gigilo:blush:

[skygazer]

22. Some people don't know how to offer support

They think that when one is in need of support, what they're looking for are solutions. I've noticed that especially with men - no offense to men but I think that's how they often tend to view things. I've found that if I vent to a woman about a tough situation, more often than not, she'll simply nod and offer a sympathetic ear. Guys tend to be more action oriented - did you try this? Maybe if you did that?

Of course, there are plenty of women who offer advice too - I don't mean to pin it all on guys, it's just what I've found personally. And over many years of analysing it, I think it's just that some people think that's how to offer support. They don't mean to be obnoxious.

So when confronted with it, I generally smile, thank them and tell them I wasn't really looking for advice - I just needed to vent.

But it's good you turned it over - sometimes other people's ideas are a little clearer than our own.

[CBHagman]

23. There are also one-uppers, bth male and female.

You know the type: "You think you have it hard? Why, just this week I had to..." And the kvetch-a-thon commences.

But the Mr. or Ms. Fix-it routine is more common, I think, and I've noticed it in both sexes.

[crim son]

24. I dislike it, but because I tend to hand it out

I put on a smile and say thank you. Usually people honestly want to be helpful and if we don't like their advice it's because we see the situation from a different perspective. Since it happens frequently that I'm told how to handle this or that, I have a standard response, "Well, I'll think about that. Thanks." To my mind it's the only reasonable way to deal with the situation since taking my frustration/irritation out on a well-wisher would be a mistake.