A truly brutal music review

[tcfrogs]

Came across this while looking up news about the just underway Widespread Panic tour:

Widespread Yawning
Pass the bong—and the NoDoz
By Darryl Smyers
Published: March 22, 2007

With the passing of Jerry Garcia, not only did the Grateful Dead (thankfully and belatedly) end as a functioning unit, but also hordes of imitators wasted little time in vying for the mantle of chief jam band, top purveyors of nonstop guitar noodling contained in epic songs with absolutely nothing to say, played on (and on) as their minions hawked a seemingly endless surplus of patchouli oil and tie-dyed undergarments.

Beginning in the early '80s with "Porch Song" and "Driving Song," efforts whose music matched the originality of their titles, Michael Houser and John Bell began an unlikely popular ascension that saw Widespread Panic sell more than 3 million albums and pack venues such as Denver's Red Rocks Amphitheatre 23 times, proof positive that the masses have never been the greatest judge of either presidents or performers.

Along with the equally interminable Phish, Widespread Panic represents the worst inclinations of consumer capitalism and the senseless worship of instrumental prowess. Taking their cues from the latter-day excesses of Southern rock icons the Allman Brothers, Widespread Panic has rarely found a groove they could not pummel into oblivion, quite content to exploit the mindless, phallic-centered idolatry of all things elongated.

More at the link:

http://www.dallasobserver.com/2007-03-22/music/widespread-yawning#comments

Almost 700 people have made comments just ripping this "reviewer".

[Ptah]

1. wow

# 15

like wow man, that is so unbelievably lame. dude, you need some heady crystal energy or something, cause you are totally harshing my mellow. i know you are a big shot reporter and all, but that doesn't give you the right to put your pecker in chickens, maaaan.

Comment by doodoobraid — March 21, 2007 @ 09:21PM

[idgiehkt]

2. rolfmao

what did the deadhead say when he ran out of drugs?

"man, this band really sucks."

:rofl:

just kidding, I like some dead songs, but the reporter needs some chemical persuasion to truly understand the appeal of jam bands, I think.

[Drum]

3. Amen.

:)

[MrSlayer]

4. I cannot disagree.

I loved the South Park episode on the topic.

[gbate]

5. I agree.

[bbernardini]

6. While I'm a fan of some jam bands, I think this guy is right on the money.

I love Phish ("Hoist" is probably one of my top 20 albums of all time), and I like quite a bit of the Grateful Dead's repertoire. However, I've listened to several recommended Widespread Panic shows, and they bored me to tears. At least the Dead has their folk roots, and Phish has a heavy jazz and Zappa influence. I can't find anything appealing about Panic.

[izzybeans]

7. This reviewer speaks for me.

Noodling phallic centered mindless consumption.

I went to one Phish show and find it a muse for a great tragic comedy. "So this is what happened to the revolutionary spirit. Hash for your tickets. Hash for your tickets! Dude your totally blowing my mind with your incessant wanking!"

[Rambis]

8. Loved the dead

went to phish and I thought it was the most contrived POS (something) I had ever witnessed.
Signing a song in a donald duck voice, jumping on trampolines and endless noodling. The highlight at the end was a really great version of rocky top but that was it.

Wide spread used to play at Fatty's in Breck for 10 people or so and they kicked ass back in the day it seemed fresh. I still liked the grateful dead shows because there was always potential to hit something magical although those moments became fewer and far between no one else has ever be able to come close.

It is better than shit sandwhich but not much:)

[bbernardini]

11. The sad thing is that Trey was/is a brilliant composer...

...but sometimes he let the jamming overshadow that. His big solos were always so predictable: build build build HIGH NOTE build build build HIGHER NOTE build build build EVEN HIGHER NOTE build build build HIGHEST NOTE. (See "Chalkdust Torture" on "A Live One" for the best example of this.)

As for the trampolines and Donald Duck voices, I like a band that doesn't take itself too seriously. Sometimes doing stupid stuff on stage just because it's SO STUPID is enough reason for doing it. If I may be so bold to quote Frank Zappa's "A Little Green Rosetta":

"They're pretty good musicians
But it don't make no difference
If they're good musicians
Because anybody who would buy this record
Doesn't give a fuck if there's good musicians
On it
Because this is a stupid song
AND THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT"

[Rambis]

13. Could be

I don't see the appeal of his music or Dave Mathews either. I like bits and pieces of the songs they both do but the majority of it makes me want to jump off a cliff. I think they take turns being Bruce Hornsby on alternate days. A good friend of mine put it best, "Bruce Hornsby is a soulless mutherfucker"

Maybe it is like Jazz I just don't appreciate it because I have not consumed enough wine and brie cheese:shrug:

[bbernardini]

14. I'm not sure what wine and brie have to do with jazz...

If anything, some of the best jazz was created on hard drugs. Perhaps you're thinking of soft jazz, aka "And Now Your Local Forecast"?

[Rambis]

17. Acquaintances

used to sit around and listen to jazz and drink wine and eat brie cheese. The biggest bunch of pretentious fucks I have ever met.

[asthmaticeog]

9. I love the comments - typical hippie bullshit.

I work for a publication, and our music writers get the exact same kinds of comments as LTTEs all the time. I wonder if there's a template for them printed on the blotter or something. The best ones are constructed around a comical misuse of the term "open-minded." Apparently, in hippie-land, open-mindedness is either the quality of A) uncritically accepting everything as valid and proceeding to write from that viewpoint, a quality that would make a writer completely useless and voiceless as a reviewer, or B) liking exactly what the letter-writer likes. I wonder how many in the B camp would be so "open-minded" if someone played them a Throbbing Gristle album.

The other good ones are straw man arguments, of the "you probably like the Backstreet Boys" or "go listen to your Good Charlotte albums and STFU" variety. It's especially amusing when that line of thinking is combined with type-A "open-mindedness." :eyes:

On edit: I've been reading more of the comments, and there's a LOT of homophobia in there. Comments about amyl poppers, calling him a "peter puffer?" If I may nick a line from ronnykmarshall, how niiiiiiice...

[RandomKoolzip]

15. Heh heh... "blotter."

:thumbsup:

[GoneOffShore]

10. I'll always remember going to a Dead Concert and hearing

"Man, I'm out of dope. These guys really DO suck."

:rofl:

[regularguy]

12. Retired Deadhead here; I thought the review was funny.

But I have to admit that I never saw the appeal of WP.

"Widespread Panic has rarely found a groove they could not pummel into oblivion, quite content to exploit the mindless, phallic-centered idolatry of all things elongated."

Now *thats* funny!

[RandomKoolzip]

16. Widespread can go suck a fuck.

This Deadhead agrees with everything in this review.