Who should pay for the first date? Do guys feel pressured to pay?

[skygazer]

Who should pay for the second?
Who should pay when you become an established couple?


There's a raging battle going on at work about this - interested in hearing the Lounge's opinions.

edited to ask - guys, do you feel pressured to pay all the time or do you feel that a lot of women expect you to?

[dropkickpa]

1. The person who did the asking

regardless of sex, OR, go dutch. I have spoke, so it shall be.

[catmandu57]

2. That's what I'd say

Let the person who asked first pay for it, after that you can alternate.

[unpossibles]

3. I agree. Makes sense. n/t

[Crabby Appleton]

26. I agree - the asker

[taterguy]

4. My first date with my wife was meeting at the dog park

It eliminated the whole "Who pays" problem

[skygazer]

6. Well, t hat's something I pointed out

That especially the first date should be relatively inexpensive anyway.

[Connonym]

5. First date, dutch. Absolutely

However, if your date insists on paying be gracious. When you become an established couple take turns paying but not in a way that you're keeping score. It should be something that makes you both feel like you're equally contributing and neither party is being taken advantage of financially. If one person makes significantly more than the other and wants to do more expensive things than the other can afford, that requires a frank discussion.

I've had to have a discussion (which felt awkward to initiate but actually went quite well) that I simply couldn't afford regular dinner at the kind of restaurants he picked. Sometimes you just have to discuss it and come to an agreement.

This advice comes with the caveat that I've had lots and lots of dates but only a few long-term relationships.

[WhollyHeretic]

8. I'll second that

That's exactly what my girlfriend and I do

[Oeditpus Rex]

13. Why do we call it 'dutch'?

Isn't that potentially offensive to the wooden-shod, dike-fingering folk? :shrug:

[skygazer]

Don't you dare turn this into a sex thread!

:spank:

[Oeditpus Rex]

19. I'm not tryin' to

I'm tryin' to get somebody else to do it. :D

[China_cat]

23. In Holland they call a date where each pays for their

own an American date.

[trof]

24. It is a bit of a slur. Like 'gipped'.

"Some say" the Dutch are a bit tightfisted.
Overly thrifty.

on edit: The original phrase is "Dutch treat", which is no treat at all if each pays his own way.

[dropkickpa]

30. Serious answer

Maybe because of dutch doors? You know, the ones split in half?

Not so serious answer

Only if they're not invited!

[WindRavenX]

7. 50/50

Always have, always will.

[NewJeffCT]

9. I used to feel guilty if I didn't pay

but, that's just my personality. I even felt guilty when a co-worker took me out to lunch because I helped her out a lot at work...

[skygazer]

10. Well, that's part of what started the discussion at work

One of the guys was complaining because he'd like to date more but he says he just can't afford it. He felt awkward if he didn't pay for the date, even if it was kind of casual or if she asked him out.

One of the other guys got all belligerent and pretty much said that all women expect the guy to pay all the time. And a couple of us women disagreed because we were of the opinion that whoever asked on the first date should pay and it should be pretty much dutch or 50/50 after that.

And then one of the younger girls felt that the guy should always pay. I should have asked if guys felt pressured to pay - wonder if I can still edit.

[NewJeffCT]

16. Never felt external pressure to pay

It's just an internal thing with me - even though I've always supported women in the workplace - and, when I was young, I couldn't understand why anybody would oppose the Equal Rights Amendment. Heck, both my wife and ex-wife would have to agree that I do (or did in my ex's case) a vast majority of the housework.

But, I've also always been the one that likes to open a door for a woman, let a woman off an elevator first, listen intently when a woman speaks and ask her questions based upon what she said, and also, pay for dates.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. first date: person who asked. second date: split it.

established couples should have their own arrangement. if one makes significantly more than the other, they should pick up most of the checks IMO.

[Maddy McCall]

12. Whatever works for that couple. Shouldn't be a hard rule about it.

Every couple is different.

On the first date, I'd think that the person who asked the other one out should pick up the tab.

If the couple becomes established, then whatever works for them is how they should do it.

[Connonym]

14. I have a problem with the 50/50 every date

I think if you split the check every time it makes money that much more an issue and it's a pain in the as "no you had 2 glasses of wine" etc. That's why I think taking turns works better. It just seems friendlier and less like a financial transaction.

[Roon]

15. As a gay man

Whoever asked the other if they wanted to go out, should pay.

[liontamer]

17. the person who asked

[Lil Missy]

18. Depends on the couple.

When I met my mate 2 years ago I always paid for everything because I could afford it at the time. And that includes road trips and airfare. Actually, I pissed away a lot of money just on dates. I don't regret it one bit. We tried lots of new restarants, and I discovered sushi! And the memories of the trips were well worth the money. As an aside, I worked for a high end hotel chain and one of my benefits was free hotel stays.

Then, I ran out of the small inheritance I was spending. We took turns for a period of time, and now that I am in a bad spot she usually pays. It all evens out in the long run.

But we are a couple, and I think the rules are a little different for dating. Traditionally the man used to be expected to pay because he could afford it better. But that has changed. I don't think men should always have to pay just because they are men. That's not fair. And if it gets to the point where you want to continue seeing someone, then there is no reason a discussion couldn't take place to decide to keep within each other's means, no matter who pays.

And for the record, I don't miss "dating". I pay about 20 bucks a month for Bockbuster to watch, on average, 6 movies per week at home. Those are the kind of dates I really love.

[Forkboy]

20. Whoever has the cash to pay for it.

I'm a natural romantic! :eyes:

[buddhamama]

21. i agree.

it doesn't matter to me. and i am a romantic, Juan, so stop spreading those vicious rumors about me. :D :hi:

[Forkboy]

22. Spoken like someone who would pay for a guy's dinner.

:woohoo:

[taught_me_patience]

25. Splitting is unacceptable

The guy should pay for the first date and the girl can pay for drinks afterward (if its going good). The key is to not go super fancy on a first date. The total bill should not be above $60. Its been my experience that the girl will normally start paying at the third date (by that time interest is clearly established). Then, you should take turns paying for the bill in a fair manner (guy pays for dinner and girl pays for movie). Spitting the check 50/50 is stupid. If I go three or four dates and the girl hasn't offered to pay, then I stop seeing her. She's gotta bring something to the table.


taught.

[bigwillq]

27. The person who asked the other

out on the date.

[rockymountaindem]

28. Is it a date if the guy doesn't pay?

I always thought that if the guy doesn't pay it's just hanging out, not a date.

[Zavulon]

29. I feel expected to pay, and I do so - it's easier than messing with the question.

The quickest way to kill a relationship is to burden it with serious philosophical questions on the second date or so. If I like the girl, I'm willing to spend the money. If not, I go to a bar and take my chances.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

31. Either the asker or just split the damn thing.

:shrug:

[trof]

32. The times they are a-changin'. Way back in my day...

The guy ALWAYS paid.
You paid for the meals and the movie tickets and the concert tickets and the flowers and candy and the corsage and the gas and anything that might involve the outlay of actual cash money.
When I was a bit older, I was expected to pay the babysitter of my date's child when I took her out.
(The mom, not the kid.)
Is my 'geezer' showing yet?
Read on.

And we opened doors and walked on the 'outside' on sidewalks.
I think that was to 'protect' her from the mud that horses and carriages might splash up a generation or two before.
Maybe from the stray bullets of duels and shootouts too.
We <shudder> lit our date's cigarettes.
Everybody but 'squares' smoked.
But nobody I knew dipped snuff or chewed tobacco.

Our dates didn't order in restaurants. For some reason, they were'nt supposed to speak to the waiter. We'd ask them what they wanted and then try to remember it long enough to tell the waiter "The LADY will have...um...was it the salmon?"
"Unh hunh."
"And the baked potato with sour cream?"
"Unh hunh."
"Was it the bleu cheese dressing?"
"No, the Thousand Island."
"Oh, yeah...AND THE THOUSAND ISLAND" to the waiter standing at her elbow.

If you parked in front of your date's house and honked the horn?
You might as well just drive on. She would NOT be coming out.

In private homes, you fixed her drink. It was unladylike for her tender digits to touch a bottle of demon liquor.

We also had the "3-call" rule.
After you'd screwed up your courage to the absolute limit, you would call a girl and ask her out.
If she "had other plans", that was not a good sign.
You were 'allowed' to call her on two other occasions.
If she always had "other plans" then that was the 'polite' way of her telling you that you had zero chance and to piss off and never call her again.

Ah...memories.
I guess we've made some 'progress' since then.

[NightWatcher]

33. I always pay for the date

It makes it less weird when I beg for sex later on in the night.

[eyesroll]

34. My SO got dinner (he invited me), and I got drinks after.

He, um, got breakfast the next morning. :o