My 85 year old mom wants to marry her 90 year old boyfriend...

[grannylib]

whom she's been dating for a whopping 6 weeks or so, ever since his wife died in January, holy cats...

I realize they don't exactly have time to date for a few years and see how things work out, but man, I think they're rushing things JUST a hair...

Does anyone know if it's possible to retain Medical Power of Attorney for an elderly widowed parent, even if that parent should remarry? Mom's been doing really well, actually, since Daddy died, and she's been taking her meds and been pretty healthy overall, but it's because we can back up and enforce her doctor's orders and meds (with the help of staff at her assisted living facility) and we're afraid that she might decline if that were gone.

I mean, I love her to bits and want her to be happy but I have some real reservations about this. She's a big girl, obviously...but yikes.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. As long as she's mentally competent.......

Please get out of her way, and allow her to do as she wishes!

As you say, she doesn't exactly have the luxury of time......

It sounds like she knows what she's doing.......

Just my 2 cents, obviously....

:shrug:

[grannylib]

4. No, I certainly wouldn't stand in her way...I just don't think SHE'S sure

either...
I asked her if she were happy, and she replied "Well your brother seems to think so..."

Not what I wanted to hear! She's very susceptible to being controlled; very submissive; she has all these plans to write to people to get their opinion on a 'mixed' marriage (Protestant/Catholic) and it just appears to me that she's trying to convince herself almost, more than anyone else...
I just want her to be happy with whatever she wants to do, including getting married or not getting married...happy and healthy.

On Edit: And Mom has never been really 'mentally competent'...she's dingy as a doorbell, and dizzy as the day is long, and has never been able to think clearly about anything, really...so this doesn't shock me at all *lol*

[crim son]

2. I agaree with CalPeg.

Time is of the essence and there are no more lessons to be learned.

[grannylib]

5. And short of committing her, or duct-taping her to the commode or something,

there really isn't anything I could do to stop her, and I wouldn't, unless I had solid evidence of something that could really be injurious to her (finding out he is abusive or something like that, or that his first two wives are presumed dead but their bodies were never found, or some damn thing!)

Just want to look out for her...

[MonkeyFunk]

3. I agree with Peggy...

Best wishes to your Mom.

[grannylib]

6. *lol* Thanks! I wish her the best, too...just want to make sure that what she's

doing IS best for her, just as she always tried to do that for me...

[Omphaloskepsis]

7. I would talk to a lawyer.

The internet is a bad place to get this kind of information. Talk to someone that has first hand experience with this type of thing. And that rash on your leg, it is Gingivitis. That was a freebie.

[SeattleGirl]

8. I'm with CalPeg too, but do understand your concern.

My mom lived with a man for a number of years (dad died years ago), shortly after she inherited a good amount of money from my grandfather. While I wanted her to be happy, I confess I was a little leary, so just asked her outright about it. Even though they weren't getting married, I didn't really know this man. Mom said they had already discussed it, and she had her financial advisor make sure this guy couldn't get her money, if he were so inclined (he wasn't, it turned out). I wasn't concerned about the money for ME, but because my mom has some health problems, and while she has insurance, she still has to pay a pretty penny for some of the stuff she needs, and I (and my siblings) wanted to make sure that the money was there for her use when needed.

Having said all that, though, if this is what your mom wants to do, and you don't have reservations as far as her welfare, then she should go for it! Maybe you could offer to be the flowergirl! ;-)

[Control-Z]

9. How close are the two of you?

If you are comfortable doing it I would suggest having a heart to heart talk with your mom and possibly making some legal arrangements prior to the marriage.

I have a dear friend whose father married a few months after meeting a new woman. (His wife had died a few years prior.) He was not a rich man but had a bit of money after a lifetime of investing and saving. My friend never trusted the woman but backed away out of respect for his dad.

His father is now ill and the woman is taking advantage of him. She has changed his will (to benefit herself and her children) and has forced him to sign it. She doesn't allow his own own children to see him - has restraining orders to keep them away.

The man is a prisoner in his own home. He is left without basic care. He goes weeks without being bathed. She doesn't allow him to use the phone. My friend sneaks over to their house to check on him, he's so worried, and sees him through the window just sitting there alone in the same chair. If he knocks on the door the woman calls the police.

Legally, there is little he's been able to do. He's had only one "supervised" visit with his father in a year.

Tell your mom that you are worried. If she is willing to give you Medical Power of Attorney and legal charge of her other affairs, should the need arise, it would allow all of you to rest easy without interfering with her happiness.

[grannylib]

19. My brother already has Medical Power of Attorney; we just want him to be

able to keep it if she were to remarry. She's been doing so well since she has been staying on her meds and eating a decent diet - we don't want to see her backslide in any way.

[NC_Nurse]

10. I think you need to talk to her about it frankly.

And also get some legal advice before she gets married. I understand people want her to be happy, but sometimes
there can be a lot to consider with an elderly parent.

If only it were a perfect world where people always got married for the right reasons. But it's not.

[windlight]

11. good for her but...

My 84 year old grandma and her 88 year old boy friend live together but they are not going to get married since they would lose some SS money if they did. So even though i don't know your mom's situation, that maybe a concern she should look at as well.

[grannylib]

18. She's a former pastor's wife (Daddy was a minister for over 50 years)

and she would not consider that; just too prudish. I wish she would, and so does my brother - we'd have no problem with her shacking up *lol*

If she's happy and her needs are taken care of and she's being treated well and not taken advantage of, I'll be the first one to toast the bride and groom! I just want to take care of her.

[philosophie_en_rose]

12. They both need some independent legal advice.

My great aunt is having a religious, but not a legal, ceremony with her partner.

They consulted a lawyer and a financial advisor. She would lose my great uncle's pension. He would lose some other benefits he inherited from his deceased wife.

They are both of sound and strong mind, but it just didn't make sense for them to be legally married. They took care of each other in new wills, in which it doesn't matter that they weren't legally married. And the religious ceremony apparently takes care of the "living in sin" angle that matters to my aunt.

I understand that you're worried about your mom. I do think it's fair to suggest that they see attorneys or financial planners, but they really need to make their own decisions. If they're happy, it's all that matters.

[Rabrrrrrr]

13. There could be financial ramifications for getting married -

she could lose pension, social security, health care (if she's getting it from her husband's employer).

It would also mean that her estate becomes his estate, and you and your siblings might end up getting nothing after she dies.

Plus the medical power of attorney will have to be redone to ensure that you continue to have it, not him.

Perhaps she has nothing to lose, but it's worth looking into. He might be conning her into marriage in order to get her estate.

If the reason they want to get married is to have guilt-free sex in relation to whatever religious faith they might have, they can have the religious ceremony but not do the legal part.

Many older people are not getting married at all, or just doing the religious ceremony, mostly for financial reasons as outlined above.

I hope it's none of the above, and that they are just a happy couple who want to get married; but with the elderly, this is all important stuff to look to.

[grannylib]

20. I don't give two hoots about any estate or that crap; I just want her to be

happy and healthy and treated well, and if she is, I'll be thrilled for both of them :-)

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

14. I do NOT agree with CaliPeg - hell must have just frozen.

It's far more complicated than "she should just do what she wants!" There are many legal and many more financial matters that need to be taken care of first.

No matter what the age, reckless actions regarding marriage are not to be taken lightly.

And quite frankly, there's also the issue of who gets to decide on health care issues should one of them become incapable of making decisions on their own. Do you want someone she's known for SIX WEEKS having the final say in whether or not a "do not resuscitate" order is signed for your mom?

Sorry, but if this were my parents, I'd make sure a lawyer and a financial planner got involved first. The sentiment that she should just do what she wants is, frankly, idealistic and naive. There's far more at stake here than you think.

[grannylib]

21. The medical and end-of-life issues are exactly what concern my brother

and me; he already has Medical Power of Attorney but we want him to be able to keep it even if she were to remarry. She has DNR orders on all her medical records, signed and notarized, all i's dotted and t's crossed, but I want to check to see if that remains in effect if she remarries.
She is very submissive and susceptible to being controlled by men, and we've seen some indications that the boyfriend may have some control issues. It's been one of the good things that has come out of my dad's death, to see Mom become just MOM - not the pastor's wife; not the head of the Women's Guild or the Bible Study or a member of this or that organization or charity...she's not been playing any role other than Helen. And I don't want her to lose that!
But as I've said, as long as she's taken care of, not taken advantage of, and is happy and healthy, I will be the first one to toast them at their wedding! I just want to make sure as I can that she WILL be all of those things.

[Gormy Cuss]

15. You should talk to her about meeting with a lawyer on the medical power of attorney issue.

Beyond that it sounds like you're not worried about assets or benefits to pay for her care -- if that's the case, then that means marrying the gent after only six weeks is strictly her business. You can of course try to talk her out of it if you think the old guy is after her money.

[Evoman]

24. After her money LOL!

And what is he going to do with her money...spend it on travelling, booze and hookers?!! Lol..he is older than she is!!

[Gormy Cuss]

25. There's no upper age limit on gold diggers.

;-)

In all seriousness, if a parent is mentally competent it's a free choice.

[Roon]

16. awwwww!

That's sweet!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

17. My stepfather (then 71) proposed to my mother (also 71 at the time)

about a week after they got together after being apart for 45 years.

They were married two months later.

I think older people are very aware of how little time they have left, they have a lot of life experience, so they know when they've found THE ONE, and they don't want to waste any time.

As long as your mom is of sound mind, wish her the best. They're not teenagers, and having someone to love will keep them young and healthy.

[grannylib]

22. As long as we can do whatever is within our power to ensure her health

will be taken care of and her wishes will be respected and that she won't be taken advantage of, I certainly will wish them both the best!
I just want to take care of her.

[Evoman]

23. Hell, I say she should do whatever the hell she wants.

The lady is lucky if she's got 10 more years....and she should live like shes got 5 years left. As to being rash..well..she doesn't owe anybody anything. She's lived her life, she's raised her children, and any money she has is hers to do with as she wishes.

[grannylib]

27. No, she sure doesn't owe anyone anything...but I owe it to her to try to

ensure that her health and well-being come first.
As long as she's happy and healthy and well-cared for and loved and not being taken advantage of, I'll be thrilled for both of them.

[RedStateShame]

26. Just tell her she can have sex without marrying the guy!!

[grannylib]

28. *lol* As a devout wife of a Lutheran pastor for 57 years, I don't think that's

gonna happen!
I would certainly not object!
But Mom - she just wouldn't go there.

As someone suggested earlier, maybe they could have a religious ceremony without a civil marriage license - just have it blessed or whatever, maybe that would satisfy her. The church means more to her than any state statute...I'll have to think about that one.