"I wish I had a dad."

[xmas74]

I asked my daughter what she would wish for if she had three wishes. She said she had two wishes-she wished she had a dad and she wished that we would all go to Disneyworld.

I-I despise that man. He doesn't deserve to be called a man.

[Shine]

1. I'm sorry, xmas74.

:hug: Are there other important male figures in her life, like an uncle or grandfather, that can help fill her desire for a dad? I was raised by a single mom til I was 12, so I can relate to her wanting to feel a part of a "normal" family, like her friends. She's just a kid, wanting what all her friends have, too. She'll get through it, they all do, and they're fine. :hug:

[xmas74]

2. We live w/ my parents.

My dad is very involved in her life. I also have two friends who take her out and play football or hockey w/ her every time they come to visit (about once a month). But she gets crap about my friends since they are a couple. She doesn't understand why some make fun of them.

And my best friend's husband plans on taking her fishing w/ their daughter nonstop this summer. He's already volunteered to teach her how to bow hunt when she's older. (Not my thing but if she wants to learn it he'd be the person to teach it. He thinks rifles are for wimps.) And another friend, now a professor, has offered to teach her how to box.

She has men in her life and all are very positive but she still wants a father.

[Shine]

4. It's good she's got all that positive male influence in her life.

yeah, they're not her dad, but they're better than nothing. She'll understand more as she gets older, I'm sure. :hug:

[xmas74]

5. They love and understand her.

J and M both love her like a daughter. (They want children someday.)

All of them have volunteered to do things for her, to make sure that she doesn't ever feel left out.

[Shine]

12. She's one lucky kid, if you ask me.

It takes a helluva lot more than sperm to make a Father.

[xmas74]

15. J and M say that all the time.

J was abandoned by his father and M was initially kicked out when he came out. (They've reconciled and their bond is stronger than before.)

J's a big man. He loves to play different sports w/ her. He'd also tear into anyone that made fun of her. When a man is 6'6 and nearly 275 people tend to listen to them.

M says he wishes he were better at sports and such. Right now he enjoys brushing and braiding her hair and he buys her dresses. When she gets older he says he'll take her to a spa.

My other friends have sworn to do their best. One offered to stick a potato in his exhaust pipe-I told him no.

[trof]

7. My grandpa was my 'father' figure. See #3 below.

[xmas74]

9. My dad,

a few friends, the husband of a friend-all have stepped in.

[trof]

3. I've had the same wish.

Mine left in 1944, or thereabouts.
It was a wartime thing.
Another woman.
Never saw him again.
I got over it a long long time ago.
But in my 'golden years' I think about it sometimes.
'What if?'

...and life goes on

[xmas74]

6. Hers has had no contact w/ her, ever.

He left while I was pregnant-didn't want a "girl child".

Only time he has ever contacted me is when he's drunk or high. Then he makes threats. Even then he never says "How's our daughter"?

[Maddy McCall]

37. Were we married to the same man?

He's not a Texan by chance?

:hug:

[xmas74]

41. Nope-from San Diego.

He's an ass and the only non-musician I've ever dated.

He made me wish I'd stuck w/ the musicians and you know that usually isn't a wise choice.

[XemaSab]

8. How old is your daughter?

'Cause no dad is better than a flaky or abusive dad.

My dad left when I was a baby, and that's only one bummer to get over.

[xmas74]

10. She's 6 1/2.

Just enough to notice the other kids at school w/ their dads and to hear them talk about the things they do together.

Her dad's an idiot.

[philosophie_en_rose]

11. She wants an ideal of a dad.

If only she knew what kind of men are out there, who are fathers in sperm only. :(

[xmas74]

13. But she doesn't understand.

She sometimes thinks it's her fault that he's an asshole.

[Darth_Kitten]

24. She'll figure it out only too soon.........

she's a baby now, I hope she can be a child with an idealized view of fatherhood.

She'll know only too soon that reality is often very different from the ideal. :(

[SPKrazy]

14. Sounds like a tough situation...

:pals:

Having a 6 1/2 year well, almost 7 actually kid, I can imagine how hard that is for you.

[xmas74]

16. She'll be seven in June.

We have our moments where she talks about dads. She's just about over ever having her "real" father-now she wants me to marry someone that will be a dad to her.

[SPKrazy]

17. Well that is a hard one too...

mine will be seven in April... good luck with it all xmas74! :pals:

[xmas74]

18. Thank you.

[SPKrazy]

20. of course ...

you are very welcome :D

[hfojvt]

38. "I will be your father baby, put your tiny hand in mine. I will be the one who loves you

till the end of time."

I always wanted to be a step-dad. Not really, but as late as I started dating I figured that most women my age would already have a child or two, and that has mostly been true. Why is her wish either difficult or undesirable for you?

[xmas74]

43. I'm getting older

and less likely to give up control to anyone. Most of the men in my area want total control over a woman. (Remember, I live near a base. Tends to be more conservative.)

And most of the men around here don't want a woman w/ a child. They refuse to date a woman w/ a kid, unless she dumps the kid somewhere they'll never have to see it. Have you seen any of the shirts that say "I support single mothers" and they have a pic of a woman on a stripper pole? Those shirts are popular in my town-I see them all the time. The mentality is the same-single moms are great to screw but not to get serious over.

I won't date unless I know the person has the best intentions. I won't give anything of myself unless I know this is someone who could be serious. And I won't bring them around my daughter unless it is very serious-either we're shacking up (sorry, I hate "living together". "Shacking up" makes me grin and giggle.) or we're getting engaged.

I just won't bring men in and out of her life. It had better be for keeps.

[SPKrazy]

46. You can tell you care deeply for your daughter!

I know that as hard as it is, she will get past this. Are there males that can be part of her life now so that she doesn't feel so left out?

I'm sorry this is so hard, and it sounds like you live in a hard place to find decent men who aren't Neanderthal types and I'm sure I'd feel the same about wanting to protect a child from having their heart broken or being hurt by someone otherwise.

I know I responded upthread, it just is breaking my heart a bit for you and your little girl... she is nearly my son's age and I just feel a connection there somehow. I hope things get better for both of you!

:hi: from the state below you!

[xmas74]

49. There are men in her life.

Family, friends-she just wants her father.

And hello to you too!

[SPKrazy]

52. well i guess it will just

end up being something that you have to help her deal with
and i am confident that you will do that well!
:hug:

[xmas74]

53. Thank you.

[LibraLiz1973]

19. As a child who never had a "dad" I understand how she feels

I'm 33 and there are times when it still gets me.
My biological father is a demented, twisted, sick son of a bitch.
I've never missed HIM- (have been lucky enough not have seen him since I was about 4, but he writes! oh, how he writes)
but I have missed having a father like some that I have met.
I was raised in my grandparents home until I was 11 and I am very close to my grandfather, I call him dad.
But, it is never the same. We are very very close and he has never treated me different than his 4 children (if anything, I am the most spoiled), but, I wished he didn't have to do that- if that makes sense?

As a girl about your daughters age it really bugged me- luckily by the time I was about 15 I knew alot of "fatherless" people.
More than 75% of my closest friends have no father in the pic for a myriad of reasons which almost all boil down to general suckiness.


You do the best you can for your daughter - she does know that & someday she will be more than thankful for the positive male role models that you have provided her with.

Don't beat yourself up for it- you are doing the BEST possible thing for her to be exposed to so many men who truly care and will stand behind her. You tell her people who make fun of the gay couple just don't know how lucky she is. I guarantee someday she will thank you for all that you have done.

[xmas74]

25. She's never had him in her life.

IMO, that's a good thing. But we live in a military town-very conservative and you see families almost always together.

She just wants what the other girls have.

(And did you see the ad at the bottom of the page? It's for meeting single fathers. How funny!)

[sammythecat]

21. As sad as it is, and I can only imagine how you felt

when she told you her wishes, she's much better off that "man" isn't in her life. What a shit!

I lost my father to cancer when I was seven and she never remarried. Luckily I had my grandparents living with us and that helped. It's a tough thing for a kid, there's no getting around that, but it's not an insurmountable problem.

It really sounds like she has a lot of family love in her life and that's wonderful. I'd put all my money on her turning out just fine.

Best of luck to you, your daughter, and your family in the future. And here's to hoping that her father someday realizes the painful truth of what his selfishness has done. Maybe he'll become a good man someday. But I'm not putting any money on that.

[xmas74]

26. He'll be dead of an od

before he can come to his senses.

I tried to involve him in her life when she was a baby. I sent him pictures, I wrote him progress reports, etc. I decided to stop after the time he called and threatened to kill me unless I dropped the child support case. I ended up getting a full order of protection against him.

[Darth_Kitten]

22. Every girl wants a positive male role model...........

she may want a dad but perhaps not the one she has.

I remember feeling the same way as a kid. I love my mother dearly but she goofed severely in picking fathers for her kids. Girls want normalcy, or what they think is normal.

Even today I think I wish I had a real dad. My stepdad hardly lives his own life and seems vaguely interested in what's going on in the world. Of course, we have to call HIM because he hates communicating with the world. I don't know... I almost think my mother lives his life for him......always making excuses for him.....he's not evil but after what he gave my family he doesn't deserve to sit back and just ignore everyone......My bio father was, no probably still is, mentally disturbed and or schizophrenic. :( I have a cynical view towards fatherhood.

But I kind of understand what your daughter may be going through because of my background. It's great you are bringing positive male role models into your daughter's life, but she still gets to define for herself what she wants as a father (good/bad or indifferent) I see too often women pushing their boyfriends of the moment as daddy figures for their kids and nothing kids resent more.

If your ex is indeed a jerk (I won't challenge you on this) trust me, she'll figure it out herself.

[xmas74]

27. I no longer date

because every man I've met has refused to have anything to do w/ a child. At least that means that I don't bring different men in and out of her life constantly.

Him? He lives less than an hour away and is way behind on his child support. He purposely dropped insurance coverage so that he didn't have to cover her-I'm doing that through work. And he's thousands behind on support, not including the insurance. Less than an hour away and he has refused to ever visit, except for the time he called and threatened to take her from school and dump her somewhere I'd never find her. And according to the school, unless the courts take away his rights (which they won't-they said they won't "bastardize" her) he legally could pick her up since his name is on the birth certificate. (I know they're full of shit but if they believe this I'm frightened. I've informed them that they are to contact me immediately if he ever shows up. I will be there in two minutes and will call 9-1-1 en route.)

The main male role models in her life are family and those that are so close I consider them to be family. Every one of the friends involved in her life have proven to be long term friends-10 years or more, most nearing 20 years. They would be known to her either way because they would be apart of my life as my friends but each one that I've mentioned has stepped up and offered to do more. Why? Because they've each said she deserves better.

[Darth_Kitten]

29. He does sound like a loser..........

and I wouldn't believe what the schools say........legally he can't be allowed to do what he's doing. What a dick to tell you the truth, he sounds disturbed and shouldn't be around kids.

I hope you weren't thinking I thought you would be bringing men in to be father figures for your daughter. I was speaking of what I have witnessed around me. :)
And you are right, men don't want to raise "another man's child"......at least not too many.

I'm really sorry you and your daughter have to put up with this bad behaviour.
Why aren't the courts holding him responsible if he's an abusive jerk and behind in his support?
What a vindictive weakling he is. :mad:

[xmas74]

31. For a full order to actually work

they'd have to catch him in the act. (I know that rule quite well-I used to dispatch those calls all the time. We had a sicko a few years ago break into his exwife's house and cut her hair while she was sleeping. He then braided it and placed it on the pillow next to her.)

As to child support, they are understaffed. And now investigations aren't even done by the state-it's all private contract. I've been informed many times that if I were on assistance they would guarnish his wages immediately.

[Darth_Kitten]

57. I looked up deadbeat fathers and your state......

they are pretty bad at making these abusive jerks responsible.

[xmas74]

59. Yes they are.

When we finally had the warrants to arrest (I used to dispatch and enter warrants) they were usually 20 grand or more behind.

Even then we often got lucky and some other state would serve it for us. When that happened the warrant was usually a few years old.

[BikeWriter]

23. Aw shit...

Having had children who were moved away from me by their Mom and having raised two other men's children I've seen both sides of that.

[xmas74]

28. He lives less than an hour away from us

and has refused to see her.

He wants absolutely nothing to do w/ her. The only time he's ever mentioned her has been to call and threaten me about his back child support. (Threats of "making your kid motherless" or "I'll take your kid and dump her somewhere you'll never find her"-real threats, btw.)

I just don't get it.

[Darth_Kitten]

30. He's uttering threats?

Go to the Police.

[xmas74]

32. Like I said above-

it has to be proven. I have an order against him but he has to be caught in the act.

I have an order but he's smart. He calls from pay phones not in his town.

Right now it's my word against his but enough in my favor that a judge does allow me to renew my order every 13 months.

[Wapsie B]

33. I'd tape all phone calls.

Even if he's calling from pay phones if it's his voice on tape I'd think that would be enough. Damn, I am so sorry that you have to deal with crap that.

[xmas74]

35. But he calls my cell.

I'm not sure how he got it (but I have a few ideas).

He'll catch me out somewhere and I'll answer the phone. I'm not big on screening.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

34. I think what she's feeling...

is pretty normal, myself.

My Dad was a shitbag who was screwing around on my Mom just a few months after my birth. He had wanted a boy, too. (sound familiar! :D) By the time I was 9 months old he was pretty much out of the picture for good. Even though I had a Grandpa who I was very close with and acted as a surrogate Dad until I was 18, there was still something missing for me.

I really couldn't put my finger on it until I saw Mira Sorvino accept her Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe. In her speech she was thanking her father for all that he had done for her -- when the camera cut to him, you could see Paul Sorvino's face literally glowing with his love for his daughter. It was clear that Mira was her Daddie's girl, his Princess. I could see these two people shared something that was deep and beautiful, and it was then I felt just how deeply I wanted a father to have looked at me with such love and adoration.

I think there are certain parts of our hearts that can only be filled by our Moms and Dads. Even if your biological Dad was a first rate shitbag, the desire for that kind of connection with the ideal dad is still there. For me, my "Dad" part will always feel a little empty.

I think your daughter is just feeling her empty spot a little. Just acknowledge her feelings as best you can and continue to "hear" what she has to say on the subject.

[xmas74]

36. It's still quite hard

I don't know what else to do for her, especially since it is sometimes pointed out at school.

She feels lonely and isolated from the other kids.

[judaspriestess]

39. Oh my god,

how tough it must be to hear that. I am so sorry, I can tell you from first hand experience, I grew up completely without a father and when I became a teenager I guess I lashed out for lack of a better term, because I wanted a dad too. I was a pissed off teenager. Then I became depressed and it took me a long time to finally accept what the situation was. Then my father died and we never reconciled. It devastated me personally growing up. I always wanted to know what I had done wrong for him not to want me.
:cry:

damn to much info, sorry......

[xmas74]

40. There's no such thing as too much info.

and your story is exactly what I'm afraid of.

[lildreamer316]

48. .....

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Serendipitous]

42. I have a teenager going through this for past 7 years

He's been abandoned - emotionally, physically and financially. He gets the occasional call somewhere NEAR his birthday - filled with false promises of a "card in the mail" that never arrives. He's dealt with massive issues of abandonment and just the realization that he's genetically tied to a real piece of shit. Therapy and time have helped... but it's still very difficult. I wish you and your daughter the best and here's a :hug: for the both of you. If you ever need to "talk" or vent, PM me... I know exactly what you're going through.

[xmas74]

44. Thank you.

And my box is always open on this end too.

I suspect it will take therapy for both of us eventually-myself and my daughter-to really get over what happened. He's refused any interest in her. He abused me, dumped me during pregnancy and occasionally calls to make nasty threats.

We'll both need it.

[mentalsolstice]

45. My arms are out there for you!

My cousin, who is really like my sister because she was in our household so much, really had problems b/c her dad abandoned her. My aunt used to put his name on b'day and Christmas gifts, because she didn't her daughter to know that her father just didn't give a shit! My aunt remarried when my cousin was 12, however, there were turbulent times ahead. At the time my cousin had drug problems, ran away, etc. She thought her life would be more perfect with her birth dad. My uncle stuck through it. When she was 18 she asked him to adopt her, legally at that age her birth father could not contest. Since then, she has had her "dad".

In my husband's family, we've had a similar situation...although my SiL did everything she could do to keep the father (and his family) of her grandson out of his life, until it benefited her...then she wanted a convenient babysitting service, but on her terms. It was disastrous! However, so many holidays that this little boy would cry b/c he didn't have a dad! It was heartbreaking!

I'm glad you've got a lot of males that are willing to step up! Based on my experience, it's a shitty situation, and so hard to explain to a child! :hug:

[xmas74]

50. She cries on her birthday,

at Christmas and on Halloween.

It's odd about Halloween. She sees the other kids' dads taking them trick or treating and she wants her to do the same. She cries over that, especially if she sees someone's father dressed up in a matching outfit.

[mentalsolstice]

54. No easy answers!

The only thing I can say...is let her be around you while you're around positive and supportive male friends.

[xmas74]

55. She's always around me.

And my friends always plan family-friendly events so we are all together.

[Redstone]

47. Mrs R wishes she had, too.

Redstone

[xmas74]

51. It's been hard

and it makes me feel like it's also my fault for picking an idiot.

She just wants her father and I don't know what to do for her.

[Redstone]

56. It is by NO MEANS your fault. Get used to that concept, OK? You'll feel better if you do.

We do what we do, and we live with what happens. But that doesn't make it our fault.

I married inadvisably once, and that did poorly for my older son until he was about 4 years old. But since then, I've done well by him, and he's long forgotten his mother and what she put him through.

You can only do the best you can do. Do you understand that?

Redstone

[xmas74]

60. I do understand that

but there is a certain guilt factor whenever I see both parents with their children at a school event, at Little League, at dance recitals, at church service, etc.

It's especially bad when I see her watching them.

[ikojo]

58. She'll come to realize that....

My "dad" got married the day after the divorce between him and my mom was finalized. I was six years old. Some on DU may not like what I am going to say but it's been my experience....

I think SOME men have this ability to completely divorce themselves from kids they helped to bring into the world. My "dad" had no problem moving to Florida when I was 12 and seeing the six kids he left in Illinois but one day a year. He and wife lived quite well.

After he died there was a memorial service in Florida. Two of my sisters attended it and introduced themselves as two of the decedent's children. His friends in Florida (with whom he had gone on many gambling trips to the Bahamas) said "we didn't know he had any kids in Illinois." 24 years later that still stings.

[xmas74]

61. I believe you

and I know it's not just dads (though it seems more common among them-probably because they didn't actually give birth to them). Some people are able to completely divorce themselves from a situation-they can just call their kids a part of their "past"-kind of like a bad relationship you'd prefer to forget.

I don't understand that mentality. You rarely hear about adoptive parents never wanting anything to do w/ their child. They usually want to meet them someday and they gave them up. (For a better life, of course.) I just don't understand how someone could completely cut someone else off like that.